I was the OW, and his family want nothing to do with our children

[Justanothersunday]

Cowardly name change for this. I'll sum up the backstory as briefly as possible whilst being transparent.

DP was with the mother of his first child for a long time, after many years together she was meeting up with another man from her past and bringing him back to their home whilst DP was at work. DP found out and forgave her for the sake of keeping the family together but the relationship never truly recovered.

A year or two after all of that i met DP, he changed jobs and joined my place of work. Over a period of months an emotional affair began. He told me he was developing feelings for me and was no longer in love with her so he left her and we began a relationship.

We moved in together and have gone on to have two children of our own. Many years later we are still together.

DP is still hugely involved in his DC1's life both financially and physically present.

The ex was close to his family and remains so, with most of them having very little to do with DP now and turning their backs on him.

However, his family have also refused to acknowledge our two children (short of giving me abuse on the internet) and have never wanted to meet them. My DC have never received a Christmas or birthday card and have been completely shunned.

They have grandparents, uncles and cousins they know nothing about.

Short of calling me a home wrecker etc which I can take on the chin, what do you think about the way my DC are being treat?

Should they be punished for their fathers actions?

In an ideal world they should be included, but why would you want them to associate with family that think so little of you and would probably bad mouth you. Sad for your DC but don’t let them be so aware that they are missing out

Id just not react. I never had grandparents. My kids do but they dont have two involved parents. Children dont have to have minimum two parents minimum 4 grandparents. They have whoever is in their life.

Just get on with your lives and dont force it. By trying to force it you will only upset yrslf. Pointless.

Ime not having to share dc with toxic people is a massive plus.

Do you want them to be involved? Looks like a lucky escape to me.

I don't believe the timeline you've typed out about him leaving her on the strength of an emotional affair with you. Men IMO like to try before they buy, there's a good chance they don't believe it either.

You raise a good point there Onlyfools.

It's true I wouldn't want them exposed to an environment where I'm demonized and spoken ill of, but at the same time I believe they should be mature enough to distinguish between their hatred for me and their blood relatives who are wholly innocent, therefore should want to form a healthy relationship with them.

Of course the children should not be punished.
However his family have made their position very clear so you need to just get on with it.
When people have an affair they never see the bigger picture. They never look at all of those involved in their life and how the affair will affect them and future relationships.

I know you feel its cruel that they want nothing to do with your children and I agree with you but you reap what you sow.

I’m guessing the story he spun you about her having the other guy isn’t true? That’s why they have shunned him.

Maybe there's more to it than that. People who leave for another person often rewrite history and lie to themselves about it all so much they come to believe their version is the truth.

OP just work with what you have.
My xmil and xh trash me and write weird letters to kids. We are better off without them! Not every potential relationship has value!!

I'd also agree with PP - if these people want nothing to do with you and your children, why would you want the children to know about that ? It's not necessary for everyone to have grandparents, aunts uncles and cousins. I grew up with none of these - they just didn't exist. My life was fine - I had my parents and sisters, and my friends . That was plenty enough for me. Don't stress that your kids don't have these relatives - it's perfectly possible to live without them.

It was just an EA when he left her but he knew when doing so that I would want to be with him if he left the relationship.

It was very much a "I want you too, but I won't be with you whilst you are with her" conversation.

He did leave her to be with me I won't try and pretend otherwise.

I guess everybody is different but I can't imagine not wanting to know my grandbabies, irrespective of my DCs choices.

I don't think having an affair would be a good enough reason for me to disown my son and grandchildren. I'd be very disappointed in him and not want to take sides, I'd try and stay impartial. Disowning your own flesh and blood (the grandchildren) is far worse than having an affair - the kind of person that would do this is not worth losing sleep over.
While this must be very hurtful for you I doubt that the children are missing much by having such vindictive people in their lives so try and focus on the family you do have.

They sound horrible OP, but given that they are I think I'd look on the bright side - at least they aren't in your life, interfering and making snide comments. I'd far rather be ignored than that. They are extremely mean to exclude your DC, but quite honestly I think you've all had a lucky escape!

He wasn't lying about his ex partner meeting up with the man. I know this to be completely true.

However, I realise he chose to stay with her afterwards so it isn't a good defence for leaving her for me later on down the line.

they should be mature enough to distinguish between their hatred for me and their blood relatives who are wholly innocent, therefore should want to form a healthy relationship with them.

You need to stop thinking the "should" do this and "should" do that. People do what they choose to do, no "should" about it.

I think you have had a lucky escape.

I've been cheated on, been the cheater and been the OW.

People make mistakes, things get messy. The idea disowning your own child and your grandchildren due to a bit of petty infidelity is pathetic (looking at you @GoldenEvilHoor). Why would you do that? What does it achieve other than a bit of smug, moral superiority?

No they should not be treated like that, their son was unhappy and left before engaging in an affair, there is no reason for them to treat any of you like that. But as others have said, I wouldn't want them in my children's life. I would to NC.

I am completely NC with them (their choice) so my children know nothing of any of it, but I do wish for their sakes that things could have been different.

Only if they were civil would I promote a relationship in the first place but as Christmas approaches once again it just causes me to reflect and feel sorry for the children.

You are mourning imaginary relationships. The reality of those people being in your DCs life sounds like it would be awful

As a grandparent there is no way I could ignore my grandchildren whatever the circumstances. They are not to blame for anything their parents have done.

Yes I think that's true. I need to remind myself of that fact.

I'm not sure how you can know for certain what he was like with his ex if you have NC with ex or your partner's family.

You know what he's told you.

I've had plenty of contact with his ex, and a degree of contact with his family.

Myself and ex have managed to be civil and speak in person, the same can't be said of his family.

If my son had an affair I would wash my hands of him seriously? How extreme and frankly awful,
people can make mistakes- I doubt any parent that truly loved their child could do such a thing