I was the OW, and his family want nothing to do with our children

[Justanothersunday]

Cowardly name change for this. I'll sum up the backstory as briefly as possible whilst being transparent.

DP was with the mother of his first child for a long time, after many years together she was meeting up with another man from her past and bringing him back to their home whilst DP was at work. DP found out and forgave her for the sake of keeping the family together but the relationship never truly recovered.

A year or two after all of that i met DP, he changed jobs and joined my place of work. Over a period of months an emotional affair began. He told me he was developing feelings for me and was no longer in love with her so he left her and we began a relationship.

We moved in together and have gone on to have two children of our own. Many years later we are still together.

DP is still hugely involved in his DC1's life both financially and physically present.

The ex was close to his family and remains so, with most of them having very little to do with DP now and turning their backs on him.

However, his family have also refused to acknowledge our two children (short of giving me abuse on the internet) and have never wanted to meet them. My DC have never received a Christmas or birthday card and have been completely shunned.

They have grandparents, uncles and cousins they know nothing about.

Short of calling me a home wrecker etc which I can take on the chin, what do you think about the way my DC are being treat?

Should they be punished for their fathers actions?

Hopefully you've got parents of your own who fulfill the grandparent role.

His family's reaction are bizarre. If it was my ds I would be upset and disappointed, but would hopefully have the wisdom and maturity to get past this. In fact I am sure I would. I agree with other posters that you may be better off without this wider family contact given the type of people they are.

I grew up with just one living grandparent and whilst there were aunts, uncles and cousins there was extremely infrequent contact (cousins were adults whilst I was a child, also we lived miles away). It wasn't a big problem for me....

I am also struggling to understand why you would be sad that your precious DC don't have anything to do with these arseholes?

Just be grateful, and whatever you do, don't push any kind of relationship. It's bound to end in tedious drama.

Do his family know about her infidelity? Because if they do, that’s a bit of a double standard and shows a lack of understanding about how such a severe relationship wound can lead to someone leaving to be with someone else. If they don’t know, your partner should have told them long ago to give them the time to process all that has unfolded since. There may be reasons why he wouldn’t have told them (protect his child from find out, shame, humiliation) but they should not be made to cause him difficulty down the road to where he is now.

How does your step child handle this? Are there family events in his side that only the stepchildren goes to?

Does your stepchild get on well with your children?

Are you outcast purely because of being OW or was there other later flareups during the divorce?

He walked out on his child to pursue a new relationship. It’s little wonder his family have acted the way they have.

Given the origins of your relationship you didn’t expect it to be all rosy surely?

His family aren’t the ones in the wrong. I find it strange you think the grandparents are in the wrong for not having a relationship with the children as they are innocent yet you told your DH you wanted a relationship knowing that meant he would have to leave his child and wife.

I wish we’d had no contact with one set of my grandparents. No affairs involved but they hated my dad and they brought little of joy or value to our lives as children and my mum was bloody miserable but stuck in the FOG as an only child who’d been brought up to believe in “being nice” and putting up with their revolting manipulative behaviour.

No child needs people in their life who disrespect or hurt their parents. Your children only need you and their dad. Count yourself lucky you and they are free of these people.

Perhaps they thought you were just the next fling and he would move on to someone else. Maybe they thought being involved in with your DC might cause them heartbreak if you split up with DP and they never saw the DC again. Or they could be just not very nice people. 🤷‍♀️

AFAIK they don't know about his exes infidelity first, no.

I do, and it has been brought up during an early argument I had with the ex when she contacted me post split. I have had it confirmed by the ex, although she tried to downplay it.

When we got together and the backlash ensued I encouraged him to tell them, particularly his mother, what she had done before, because as it stood he was being painted as a monster and me aswell.

He didn't want to tell her because his ex and his mother are extremely close, more so than he is with his mother, and he didn't want his ex to lose the support of his family after he left. He held alot of guilt for leaving for a long time and wanted his ex to be supported by his family even if he wasn't.

ex, although she tried to downplay it

What reason did she give?

What other conditions do you put on your love for your children @GoldenEvilHoor?

He was unhappy in the relationship and met somebody who made him happy so left the unhappy relationship, surely that's preferable to staying with her and us having a full blown affair.

Unfortunately relationships dissolve and people fall out of love, everybody has a right to be happy and shouldn't stay somewhere that they're not. His relationship with his DC1 is undamaged and the pair are as close now as they were before.

It would have made no odds whether he stayed single for a year before we got together, I know enough about his family now to know that they would respond like this however we started. They adore his ex and want for him to be with her and nobody else.

My DC and his DC1 get on well, but yes there are many events that his DC1 attends that our DC are exiled from.

My DC2 is too young to understand at the moment but my DC1 is getting to an age where it's hard to explain away the favouritism and the fact she is cast aside.

PicsInRed, she denied that they had sex together but admitted there was other contact - so it was still cheating either way.

Anyone who is in their right mind doesn't abandon their child and grandchild for making their choices. He hasn't abandoned his first child to a pp comment. People change, they fall in and out of love. It's life you accept it and move on. You don't abandon your kids and grandkids. It's sickening behaviour.

To that end, OP as many people have said, count yourself lucky. If you had a relationship with these people it would be very hard work for you and your kids. You're better off out of it.

Been there ,done that, very similiar circumstances, his mother said she would never acknowledge our 2 children as her grandchldren, and never did although she visited and stayed with us several times as did his children from his previous marriage
The children from the first marriage inherited thousands of pounds from a wealthy uncle who lived in Australia,i don't think he was even told about my 2,
However the marriage didn't last, due to domestic violence and not allowing one of my sons who lived with his father to visit, and not accepting my 2 who came with me,he was bad to them, which was my reason for leaving and divorcing him
So not such a happy ending for us, but i'm glad yours turned out well op

I'm v sorry to hear that Princess, you've definitely done the right thing getting rid of him he sounds truly abhorrent

What you're basically saying is "I wish my DC had regular contact with these horrible people just because they are linked by blood".

Your DC are better off without them. This is a positive for them.

If he had left his ex because he was unhappy rather than lining up a replacement before he did so maybe they would be more understanding?

As it is they see you as the reason for the split.

They don't sound very nice people, maybe it's not a bad thing that they are not involved in your children's lives.

Yes it has been an eye opener for me this thread, it has reinforced my gut feeling that they're better off without them.

I wish things were different, ie they were different, but I must accept the cards dealt and count my blessings that my DC haven't been exposed directly to their rejection

It's naive to think they could form a 'healthy relationship' with your DCs. They can't do that when they don't have a relationship with you or your DP.
fwiw I'm hugely doubtful that his wife had an affair. There's absolutely no reason for your DH to keep that secret and allow you to be branded a home wrecker.

She did have an affair.

It seems a bit bizarre that his own mother wouldn’t seek to speak to her own son about why the relationship broke down. Could you convince him to go see her and explain now the dust has settled? Maybe there has been a lot of lies told by the ex to the family. It’s going to be tricky for them if they have a good relationship with the grandchild.

How long ago did this all happen?

I am glad you have had your eyes opened and hope you can stop wishing for the impossible.

We all wish for the perfect grandparents for our children but in many, many cases and for a myriad of reasons, this is often just not possible.

Be thankful that these people do stay away from you.

I feel very sorry for your husband actually, more so than your children who don't even know these people - he has parents who would rather have a relationship with someone who brought her affair partner into his own home, than with their own son. Just horrible.