Please help

[Este67]

Hi everyone,

Feel quite sad posting this but I'm too embarrassed to discuss this with my friends.

I'm 32 and in a relationship with a lovely guy - we've been together for 7 and 1/2 years. He's good looking, thoughtful, kind, funny, sweet etc. We have a great bond and often spend hours talking about anything & everything. In a lot of ways I feel very lucky. However, whilst we are very loving and tactile towards eachother: we have not had sex in 3 years and I cant cope with it anymore. It's affecting my self esteem and I feel very isolated as I don't know anyone else in this position. My partner and I have spoken about it many times and the conversation usually ends with us agreeing to work on it but nothing happens. He says he's still attracted to me but can't explain why he never initiates sex and doesn't/ can't respond when I do. Its now reached the point where it just feels weird/unnatural to even think about being sexual with him and any time we do attempt it ends in tears.

For a long time I've accepted this situation because we get on so well and I've just assumed that this is the price you pay when you're in a long term relationship. However I'm now at the stage where as well as just wanting to have sex, I'd like to have a child and there is obviously no way that will happen if things continue this way.

On top of that, I recently went out on a friend date with a friend of a friend and I noticed that we had a lot of chemistry. I would never cheat but I have found myself really thinking about this guy and wondering what it would be like to be with him. It also made me wonder if I could have banter and physical chemistry with someone else instead of having to choose one or the other.

It probably sounds like ending my relationship is the obvious choice but everytime I think about us not being together, it literally breaks my heart and I end up crying because we spend so much time together and are very close. Plus, I'm terrified to be single at 32, in a new place (we both just moved to another city for work) where I don't know anyone and where I might not find anyone who will be as patient and thoughtful with me.

This situation is honestly causing me so much anxiety and I cry about it most days. We discussed it at length last week and agreed that if we still haven't had sex by Jan 2020 that we will part amicably. However we have been down that road before and the chances are that unless I end it, we will just carry on as we are as the lack of sex really doesn't seem to be a problem for my partner (even though he says it is). I really don't want to make the wrong choice and lose my chance to have a child as I am very aware of my fertility. Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation & could offer some advice?

If you stay with him you will continue to be unhappy and will not have the children you say you want. He's a good friend. So split up and re-label this what it actually is: friends. Then find someone you can have a full relationship with.
You've already had a date with someone else, tbh you're kidding yourself if you think your relationship is going anywhere. You're just wasting more and more of your remaining fertile years.

It sounds like he is asexual. So it has nothing to do with you. So don't worry about your self esteem. He seems aesthetically attracted to you and because of your bond could be demi sexual and heteromantic. Have a look at asexual.org and do some research. You will find threads on asexual/sexual relationships that might help you understand more. Ultimately it is your decision whether to remain in the relationship or not, but having the facts may help you decide.

If your partner wants to change, will he go and talk about why he doesn't want sex, with a professional therapist?

Has your DP had other relationships?

Sorry, I can’t imagine this relationship ever working out.

Has he seen his GP about this?
What is he doing to try to rectify the situation?
Anything at all?
If not, then he is just not interested.
And if that's the case then it's time to move on.
He could try viagra.
You could try sex therapy.
Has he suggested any of these things?

As others have said - stop wasting your fertile years on a man who is either asexual or gay.
What's the point????
Get out there.
Enjoy some time finding YOU again.
Single at 32 is fine.
Flippin' 'eck, I'm single at 50 and friggin' love it!

I definitely think you need to find you again. Get a new hobby, find something in life that makes you happy. Also your OH going to see the GP night help.

If you want dc then you need to sort this one way it another? Ok you could still have dc without having sex, but that causes all sorts of issues in itself. I don't have a high sex drive myself, but I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with a man who didn't find me sexually attractive. If your dp says he does fine you attractive then maybe a trip to the gp is in order?

We have discussed therapy but came to the conclusion that it would feel quite forced given the nature of the problem and it is already so awkward. He has been with lots of other women prior to me and one long term relationship of 10 years plus. He said the sex fizzled out after a few years but not to this extent. Re. being gay or asexual, I have put this to him several times before and he strongly denies either of these are a possibility. Its quite confusing as he is generally very tactile, for example whilst I was writing this message he came over twice to give me a hug and kiss for no reason and this morning he was grabbing my bum when I was in the shower.

I appreciate that the most obvious solution is to end it, its just very sad/ painful to consider not seeing him every day. Also, he's my first boyfriend: I was perpetually single prior to meeting him or seemed to attract men only interested in one thing (oh the irony) and this has left me doubtful that I will meet anyone else.

To answer your question re going to the doctor, I have suggested this (nagged might be more accurate) many times and he has either brushed this off and said a doctor would not be able to help him or agreed that he needs help but not done anything about it. He is very masculine, does a very blokey job and doesn't seem like the kind of man that would have this problem, so I believe he is deeply embarrassed by the situation and just wants to ignore it. To an extent I have done this too because we genuinely are so happy together in every other respect and we communicate so well but lately I just can't deal with it anymore.

But what is the point of trying to make this work? It sounds like you've been hanging on to this as a relationship for far too long already. Separating if you haven't had sex by Jan2020... it shouldn't be that much of a challenge / hurdle. And so what if you do have sex once before Jan 2020. It's still not good is it, and do you want this to be your life from now on... it's unlikely to improve as you both get older. Part as friends, stay in touch and have a nice time when you hang out. And find someone else who you are sexually comparable with - it's time to explore something new.

I have put this to him several times before and he strongly denies either of these are a possibility
He hasn't wanted sex with you for 3 years!!!
What does he suggest it is?
He is ASexual or Gay!
So he needs to decide which one it is.

Is he older than you OP?

Op, what was the sex like before it stopped?

Either he's asexual or he's gay. He's also had the problem before.

It is up to you if you wish to remain romantically involved with him, or move this to friendship. But do accept it won't change.

He isn't definitely gay or asexual OP, there are plenty of other reasons this could happen.
I don't see that you can do much more than explain that this is a deal breaker and if it doesn't change you'll need to either break up or if it suits you, find someone else to fulfil your needs.

It doesn't matter the reason, what does matter is that he is happy with things as they are and you are not. You want him to seek help, he doesn't want to.

You therefore only have three choices - stay with him and give up on ever having sex or a child (or seek IVF or other intervention so you don't have to have sex). I suspect this will eat you up, but you will stay out of fear until another man comes long that pays you attention. You will have an affair and call it 'the inevitable happening'.

You could open up your relationship so that you can have sex with other men, who may also then father your children. Of course, he is then also free to have sex with other people too - how would you feel if he did that?

Or you can end the relationship because you are not willing to give up your sex life and the hope of children.

What you cannot do is stay, keeping on imagining that one day he will change - he won't.

I think your tears are about the grief of the end. I always grieved relationships whilst in them.

I agree with everyone else, it's going nowhere. Set a limit, tell him and get cracking on the future.

I'm sorry, I've been there right down to the 3 year dry spell. Left and met someone wonderful online who proposed in July.

You're only 32. Let it hurt, soothe and accept, and then move on xxx huge hugs xxx

He's three years older than me.

Wow - I thought you were going to say at least 10 years older.
Well then he really does need to seek help.

Re. what the sex was like before, I have to be honest- not very good. He never did foreplay and only wanted sex in missionary, which doesn't work for me. I would tell him what I liked and he would either do it (begrudgingly and still not very well) or tell me he would try the next time and not do it. Generally he is quite sensitive and doesn't handle being critiqued in any way very well. It was better in the beginning when we were more passionate about each other but the sex has never satisfied me. Ironically, as I fell more in love with him I felt guilty about pretending to orgasm, so stopped faking it, which I also think has contributed towards the problem. I appreciate this sounds mad but I have had swinging off the chandeliers sex before with people who a) weren't very nice people and didn't care about me and b) I didn't have the emotional closeness I have now with my partner, so I guess I thought that was the sacrifice for being with someone who introduced me to their family, holds my hand in public etc. I haven't had those things with anyone else apart from my partner.

OP, he clearly doesn't give a shit about your happiness. Sex has always been crap even when it was happening and you were giving him direction. Now his libido is non existent but he refuses to seek medical help.

Is holding hands in public really worth more than a relationship with someone who meets your sexual needs?

Not to mention, plenty of guys will hold your hand in public, introduce you to their mum, and still give you amazing sexy times - it's not mutually exclusive! But you'll never meet that amazing guy who ticks all of your boxes while you're wasting your time with this reject.

I appreciate why you are saying what you're saying but I think it's a bit harsh to refer to him as a reject. Whilst I do think he's been selfish in this area, he is honestly such a lovely, funny, thoughtful guy in every other respect, (perhaps I haven't been fair in how I've described him) to the point that several of my friends have told me they are jealous of me/ how lucky I am to have him (obvs they don't know about the sex thing). I don't think hand holding makes up for the lack of intimacy no, but also sex is not the be all and end all. As I've said before I know it sounds like the most obvious thing in the world to leave him but I was single my whole life before I met him and I'm really saddened by the idea of coming home to nothing instead of (admittedly platonic) cuddles and laughter with a great guy like I do now. I guess I was hoping someone could give me hope that they've been in the same situation and fixed it but I see that's unlikely. I've just moved to a new place and I have no family or real friends here, so this is a very daunting prospect for me. Ultimately, I know I want children and I know that's probably not going to happen with him but it's hard to accept and walk away from everything we have together.

"You're only 32. Let it hurt, soothe and accept, and then move on xxx huge hugs xxx"
Thank you for this, you're very kind x

It being fixed out of nowhere does seem very unlikely yes. Its so sad isn't it, such a shame.

BUT - I think you are thinking the past will equal the future with regards to dating. You HAVE had a functional relationship, there is NOTHING wrong with you and there ARE good men out there.

The hard thing it seems is that mostly he is great - it's just this one area. And unfortunately that area is an important one.

It might be a good idea to sit him down tonight and tell him you're considering ending it because of the lack of sex / not very good sex. See what he does.

But if there is no change then do leave.

The thing is, if the jeans or shoes are perfect BUT they pinch / are uncomfortable in some way, then you learn that they just don't fit. Yes you love them, yes they are great BUT when it comes to your ongoing day to day comfort, you know you can't choose them because they let you know that they're just somehow not right.

You learn not to choose these things in the first place.

I did it though, I was with a man where at first the sex was questionable - I proceeded - 2 years in we stopped sex really - 3 years later like you, I could not imagine doing it, we were not sexual in any way, I gave away my pretty lingerie and stopped walking about naked. I started looking at other men. I wish I had clocked on earlier and not wasted the time.

This IS how this guy is.

More hugs xxx

That sounds like a really hard situation especially when he's providing you with such great emotional support. Speaking from experience it is possible to have both! I'm not sure setting a deadline on having sex is that best way to go as it might make him feel pressured in the same way the therapy would.
What happens if you initiate things? If you are both in bed at the same time and give him a little stroke or something?
Tbh id be worried if things have fizzled out like this you'd never get back on track especially if the sex has never been great to begin with.
Very hard situation but you could end up with someone else in a few years that is completely different.
Personally for me although sex isn't the be all and end all it is still important. My partner and I haven't had sex for 6-7 months as it's too painful whilst I'm pregnant and I hate it!!

Basically, it starts in the same way every time. I'll initiate when we're in bed on a Sat or Sun, eye contact, kissing, touching etc. He'll either ignore/ reject me or he'll try but not succeed if you see what I mean. It feels awkward, clunky and I'm dry as a bone every time. He never initiates and doesn't raise the issue unless I do. Before him, I used to have a really high sex drive but I don't anymore. So now when I try, its more out of feeling that we should, which is not sexy obviously.

I sat him down at the start of the week and said I thought we had just become best friends and he agreed. But then he said that now he has a good job (historically I have always earned more than him and taken on more of the bills which is a source of resentment between us)in a new city we both love and getting on really well, that we have nothing to lose by giving it until the end of the year to try to "rediscover" each other. We also both have holiday this week and next so the idea is that we're going to try and rekindle things. In my heart of hearts I can't see how we can but thought I owed it to us to try. I agree the time limit thing isn't helpful but then when we've talked about it and not set a limit, nothing happens.

Honestly, if I were younger I think I wouldn't vee strugling with this as much but the thought of having to move yet again, tell everyone its over (most of whom have no idea there's an issue) and deal with the pity and feeling left out I used to when I was single is too much to bear. I obviously need to try and be strong either way but it's very hard.