Please help

[Este67]

Hi everyone,

Feel quite sad posting this but I'm too embarrassed to discuss this with my friends.

I'm 32 and in a relationship with a lovely guy - we've been together for 7 and 1/2 years. He's good looking, thoughtful, kind, funny, sweet etc. We have a great bond and often spend hours talking about anything & everything. In a lot of ways I feel very lucky. However, whilst we are very loving and tactile towards eachother: we have not had sex in 3 years and I cant cope with it anymore. It's affecting my self esteem and I feel very isolated as I don't know anyone else in this position. My partner and I have spoken about it many times and the conversation usually ends with us agreeing to work on it but nothing happens. He says he's still attracted to me but can't explain why he never initiates sex and doesn't/ can't respond when I do. Its now reached the point where it just feels weird/unnatural to even think about being sexual with him and any time we do attempt it ends in tears.

For a long time I've accepted this situation because we get on so well and I've just assumed that this is the price you pay when you're in a long term relationship. However I'm now at the stage where as well as just wanting to have sex, I'd like to have a child and there is obviously no way that will happen if things continue this way.

On top of that, I recently went out on a friend date with a friend of a friend and I noticed that we had a lot of chemistry. I would never cheat but I have found myself really thinking about this guy and wondering what it would be like to be with him. It also made me wonder if I could have banter and physical chemistry with someone else instead of having to choose one or the other.

It probably sounds like ending my relationship is the obvious choice but everytime I think about us not being together, it literally breaks my heart and I end up crying because we spend so much time together and are very close. Plus, I'm terrified to be single at 32, in a new place (we both just moved to another city for work) where I don't know anyone and where I might not find anyone who will be as patient and thoughtful with me.

This situation is honestly causing me so much anxiety and I cry about it most days. We discussed it at length last week and agreed that if we still haven't had sex by Jan 2020 that we will part amicably. However we have been down that road before and the chances are that unless I end it, we will just carry on as we are as the lack of sex really doesn't seem to be a problem for my partner (even though he says it is). I really don't want to make the wrong choice and lose my chance to have a child as I am very aware of my fertility. Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation & could offer some advice?

All of which can be sorted my love.
For now, sleep xxx
Theres too much second guessing of yourself going on, and it's not necessary. You have no reason to feel guilty. And you're not really together anymore huh....you're in the stage between stages...
And...ed / depression are probably the results of the root cause, not the root itself xx
But it can all be sorted out xxx

Sorry OP but the fact you arent sexually attracted to each other means this relationship is dead. There is no point prolonging your agony. Cut your losses now and you can grieve and move on. Otherwise you'll only have to do this in January anyway.

It IS going to happen. Waiting seems mad and will just make you miserable.

I've read this thread from the beginning..
It must be so hard. 3 years is such a long time. An even if by some miracle you got a bit of a sex life with him again if you had kids it'll probably be gone for good as your sex life can go on the back burner then and I imagine he would use that as an excuse and that would be it never having sex.

That's the best outcome I can see if you carried on and anything rekindled. I know that's really negative but I believe what other people are saying that if you leave you'd realise that you are desirable and could find someone who would want you onesie and all haha. X

How are you feeling today OP?

Hello, thank you for checking on me. I broke up with my partner a few days ago. It was probably the toughest thing I've ever done: I was shaking the whole way through and felt like I would pass out at times. He did try again to get me to wait until Jan and then said I should wait 24 hrs as I have a tendency to second guess myself, but I chose to end it then. He accepted it and agreed it was the right decision. We agreed that we would stay living together until at least Jan and that we won't try to start dating for 4 weeks and that we won't bring anyone back if/when we do meet anyone. We then went for dinner and had a drink, then when we got home he asked me for one last kiss and thanked me for having the courage to end it as he didn't have the bravery to do it himself. Even though nothing much has changed as we were essentially just platonic best mates, its been absolutely heartbreaking. I have never felt this upset in my life. I do though feel very lucky that we are on such good terms, as whenever I have gotten upset he has given me a cuddle and cheered me up. We haven't discussed who's going to move out or anything like that, he said he will move into spare room and we can talk about other logistics when I'm in a better place. Taking each day at a time and trying not to get overwhelmed by fear of what the future holds. I have no idea how people survive divorce, this has been awful.

Ahh you poor thing - but v well done for dealing with a v tough situation. I am glad he has behaved with kindness and respect around the separation but I do think that In the very near future you will firstly experience a sense of release and soon after will be looking forward to / or experiencing a proper fulfilling relationship and will look back at the last few years and not believe that you sold yourself short. One day when you are holding your baby you will think I can’t believe I nearly missed this.

Take care but get out there and have some fun

Aww that's so brave of you. You will look back with pride.

Tomorrow either make lists or watch movies if possible, to rest from the emotional upset xxx

You have been very brave. And it is decent of him to acknowledge that as it means he also thinks it's the right decision but would never have dared do it himself.

I was in a 7 year relationship that I ended age 30 because we hadn't had sex for three years. We were best of friends, in fact I had known him since childhood.

Like you, I met someone I had a spark with. Nothing ever happened but it woke me up and reminded me of the passion we were lacking.

Breaking up was AWFUL. I am not going to lie. It was the worst time of my life. I broke his heart, I moved into a shit flat, I wss broke and I think I had a bit of a breakdown.

However I did come out the other side, met someone new and life is good again. A part of me will always love my ex. But you can't force intimacy.

I’m glad you are on good terms.