Please help

[Este67]

Hi everyone,

Feel quite sad posting this but I'm too embarrassed to discuss this with my friends.

I'm 32 and in a relationship with a lovely guy - we've been together for 7 and 1/2 years. He's good looking, thoughtful, kind, funny, sweet etc. We have a great bond and often spend hours talking about anything & everything. In a lot of ways I feel very lucky. However, whilst we are very loving and tactile towards eachother: we have not had sex in 3 years and I cant cope with it anymore. It's affecting my self esteem and I feel very isolated as I don't know anyone else in this position. My partner and I have spoken about it many times and the conversation usually ends with us agreeing to work on it but nothing happens. He says he's still attracted to me but can't explain why he never initiates sex and doesn't/ can't respond when I do. Its now reached the point where it just feels weird/unnatural to even think about being sexual with him and any time we do attempt it ends in tears.

For a long time I've accepted this situation because we get on so well and I've just assumed that this is the price you pay when you're in a long term relationship. However I'm now at the stage where as well as just wanting to have sex, I'd like to have a child and there is obviously no way that will happen if things continue this way.

On top of that, I recently went out on a friend date with a friend of a friend and I noticed that we had a lot of chemistry. I would never cheat but I have found myself really thinking about this guy and wondering what it would be like to be with him. It also made me wonder if I could have banter and physical chemistry with someone else instead of having to choose one or the other.

It probably sounds like ending my relationship is the obvious choice but everytime I think about us not being together, it literally breaks my heart and I end up crying because we spend so much time together and are very close. Plus, I'm terrified to be single at 32, in a new place (we both just moved to another city for work) where I don't know anyone and where I might not find anyone who will be as patient and thoughtful with me.

This situation is honestly causing me so much anxiety and I cry about it most days. We discussed it at length last week and agreed that if we still haven't had sex by Jan 2020 that we will part amicably. However we have been down that road before and the chances are that unless I end it, we will just carry on as we are as the lack of sex really doesn't seem to be a problem for my partner (even though he says it is). I really don't want to make the wrong choice and lose my chance to have a child as I am very aware of my fertility. Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation & could offer some advice?

I see what you mean! Yes I agree it can feel awkward aswell after not being intimate for a while. Totally get this and has happened with us also. Sometimes I think the more sex you have the more you want it, the less you have the less you want it and more unnatural it feels. Easy to get into that routine where you aren't doing it.
Well see how it goes with the holiday etc but if he's not exciting you or your sex drive maybe it is the right decision at least you've broken up on good terms. These things happen and in a way I think it is nicer than a horrible break up.
It is very important to think of yourself and needs in this situation especially your want for children and considering your age. It would be better to start fresh now at 32 with someone else than continue with this relationship and start again in a few years at 35 if you are worried about fertility. That being said I know alot of people are older as they become parents and as a 28 year old I am in the minority!! So you definitely wouldn't be alone if you ended up waiting a bit longer

I have a very close friend who's husband is just like this and it's caused her a lot of pain. She is late 30s now, they've had loads of counseling and haven't had any kids yet because of the sex issue. Honest advice - leave! 32 is young, really, I know it's hard but be brave - you have years ahead to meet other people and settle down. Better now than in 5 years time. Find someone you have loads of chemistry with.

Though I also think it’d be better for you to leave, it’d be a big gamble. I left my ex for almost identical reasons at the age of 27 and to be honest, I regret it because I haven’t even had a sniff of a relationship in the 2.5 years since then and I’ve been treated dreadfully by every man I’ve dated. If I could go back in time I’d have stayed, at least until we’d had a child.

Would you prefer to die childless than leave your security blanket of a relationship? Because that's what it boils down to. It's a choice.

Also, he's my first boyfriend

That was quite obvious, tbh. (As was the fact you didn't come here for genuine advice, but were trying to find someone to persuade you to just carry on). It's also the reason you're so clingy and distraught about moving on. Like a child having to give up taking their comfort blanket everywhere.

Just because he's the first person who ever held your hand in public (on account of being your first boyfriend, not because he's the only man in the planet who could ever love you) does not mean sacrificing the rest of your life on this dysfunctional, fulfilling relationship is the right path to go down.

You don't need to announce to people you've broken up. Do you need to move cities? Can't you just find somewhere to live in the same place and stay in the same job? Why are you making it a bigger deal than it needs to be?

Just because a relationship ends, does not mean everything you shared is obliterated. All the moments you shared and the good times stay with you. The positive ways this relationship has shaped you stay with you. Just like any other positive experience that came to an end.

Maybe you should work on yourself, your self esteem, your boundaries, your communication skills, and your belief in the value of your own needs before trying to get into another relationship too. Sex was clearly an issue right from the beginning, never mind communication if you were faking orgasms (why?), So it can't be a massive surprise this is how things are.

If you want things to change, focus on the fact the distress at moving on will be temporary to get you to a better place in the long run.

If I could go back in time I’d have stayed, at least until we’d had a child.

And the op is going to have a child with someone who won't have sex with her how exactly?

I pity any child deliberately brought into such a dysfunctional situation as the one described here. They're humans not possessions.

I think in the end it doesn't really matter how you feel. The fact is, something is wrong and as an adult you have to face up to it.

Enjoy your holiday, give it that last shot and then big girl pants and face the truth xx

"It's also the reason you're so clingy and distraught about moving on."
I would say it's more to do with ending an almost 8 year relationship with someone I still love and care about. I am not clingy in the slightest, never have been.
"You don't need to announce to people you've broken up. Do you need to move cities?"
I hadn't intended on releasing a press statement or moving to another city. However, I will need to tell friends and family at some point and move to another house if we split up, which are both prospects causing me some anxiety. I believe that's quite normal.

" if you were faking orgasms (why?)"
To protect his feelings. I know I'm probably not the authority on sexual behaviour but I'm almost positive I didn't invent faking orgasms.

Thank you for the constructive parts of your message.

You're too young to be going through this and he is being selfish by not doing anything to address it.

Go on holiday together but I'd be treating it as a farewell.

Hey there. Sorry you are going through this. I personally would not do anything rash - as you say, sex is not the be all and end all.

Is your partner perhaps suffering from erectile dysfunction? There are pharmaceutical solutions out there and lots of herbal libido enhancers that could really help.

How about body image and energy levels? Fitness and physical could help with both.

Yes erectile dysfunction is something we've discussed. He has vaguely mentioned the idea of trying viagra but not done anything about it. He has also promised to go to a doctor but as of yet he hasn't even registered with a doctor yet and I don't think he will unless I nag, which I don't really want to do.

Tbh, I'm 80% sure I will end it in the new year, we get on like a house on fire but he doesn't seem to value what's important to me and sticks his head in the sand. I think it's indicative of what's to come if we stay together for longer. We spoke yesterday about it again and he was saying Im being too negative and shouldn't assume it's a problem we can't get over, but he's not made any moves or done anything to fix it and I'm tired of always being the one to take initiative. Every step of our relationship whether it be moving in, getting engaged etc has always been led by me and I'm tired now.

I honestly don't think I will find anyone else but I think I owe it to myself to at least try for a chance to be a mother and I just have to try to be strong.

Oh to answer your question re. fitness, I'm a size 8-10 and he's slim/ athletic. We're both in good shape and have decent fitness levels for our jobs.

he's not made any moves or done anything to fix it

I think this is the crux of the problem, not the sex issue itself. He's either in denial about it being a medical/psychological problem
or he's not being honest about his sexuality (e.g. asexual) but either way he seems to be prepared to lose you over it rather than face up to what is actually going on. Or he genuinely believes you will never leave him.

Such a shame especially if it is erectile dysfunction as there is help out there for him. But you are right he should be making the effort to sort out his issues.

Sounds like you have made a decision. Wish you every happiness, you will meet someone else I am very sure

Stop wasting time with him.

He’s asexual, gay or embarrassed about ed.

You’ve given him a deadline. If he does nothing to remedy the situation it shows he doesn’t care enough to (in the case of ed) or he can’t because he’s asexual or gay.

I hope it works out for your sake. You seem to love him.

There are a lot of physical health reasons why he may have no apparent sex drive OP, but he needs to go to the GP and discuss it. He probably is embarassed, but it would be good to rule out anything underlying (and reversible!).

Be like his previous partners and walk.

He is short changing you and is being very disrespectful by dismissing your needs.

He is eroding your self confidence and stealing your chance of being a mother. No man, especially this self centred one, is not worth that IME. Time is ticking along very fast - he has already wasted 3+ of your fertile years - why give him another 3 months - you know the outcome.

Where did you get this story that relationships should be this shite?

You're too young to give up on a sex life.
Of course it will be sad - you fell in love with this man and you've had a life together. But you deserve more than this. And it will be no good for him to stay in a relationship with someone who resents him and/or cheats on him /turns into a shell of themselves because they're denying a core part of their humanity. Because that's what will happen.

Say goodbye, mourn, cry, and then pick yourself up and have a wonderful new start.

Good luck!

There's a number of health reasons that could produce he lack of desire. It could be quite good to have him checked out ( for his health even if its not for ure life) endocrine disorders, hormonal inbalances, depression.... it seems a shame to throw it all away for that one reason but somethings gotta give.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all your messages, even the ones that were hard to read were helpful. Just to give you an update:
He approached me yesterday to have a chat because he could tell something was off. I explained that I didn't really see how positive thinking was going to fix the problem and I feel quite anxious about the situation given my fertile years are numbered and I know I definitely want children soon. I once again told him I think he has ED and needs to see a doctor. He then blurted out that the problem is definitely not ED as he can get an erection fine and has taken viagra twice prior to us trying to have sex but the problem is that he isn't sexually attracted to me and I'm not to him (this is true, I'm not). He said I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever been with but there's just something missing for him. I then got upset and asked what the point was in waiting until Jan to assess the situation, as we are not any more likely to be attracted to each other in a few months. He said he was intending to drink less, excercise more and be positive in the hopes it might improve things and if it doesn't we can at least know we tried our hardest and end as friends on good terms. To me this just felt like more sticking our heads in the sand and I wasn't really on board with this so he said, "Well I think it's clear you've already made your mind up so we should just end this on good terms as I want to keep our friendship." I agreed with this and started crying as it was quite strange to hear it out loud. He then seemed to backtrack and said he wanted to go with the original plan of waiting till Jan as what harm could a few more months do. He then was being really tactile and loving the rest of the night. I think it is essentially over but we both just need some transitioning time. Even after he backtracked, we were discussing who is going to go in the spare room and how we'll tell our families etc. I had suggested moving into the spare room and he said, "we don't have to stop sleeping in the same bed, I've slept in the same bed with my friends loads of times." I think on some level he definitely knows it's over but was struggling to actually label it as that as it's so definitive.

In my head, I'm preparing to be officially single from Jan 2020 and just hope that we can still be in each other's lives in some capacity. Its been really painful the last few weeks but something in my head has just clicked and I can't pretend I'm happy anymore. Thank you again everyone for the advice, I think getting some objective opinions was the push I needed to see this situation for what it is. Wish me luck:) xx

and said he wanted to go with the original plan of waiting till Jan
HE wanted!
What about you?
You know it's over.
Why the hell do you want to prolong the agony of being and feeling rejected for the next 3 months?
What is the point?
There is no point!!!!
Rip of the plaster and end this now.
It's like torture. Why torture yourself?
You could be finding yourself for the next 3 months.
Spending precious time with friends and family.
Getting out there and enjoying life.
You never know what is around the corner.
Stop torturing yourself for this guy. You owe him nothing.
He's clearly said the problem is that he isn't sexually attracted to me THIS is not going to change.
It's not - never!!!!
Cut your losses OP.

I honestly think you just need to rip the band aid off here. These next few months will be even more painful counting down, having to see all the happy families at Christmas. Move into the spare room to start with.

It is this drifting, knowing that it is over that is making it harder

You have had 3 years already of transition time - whether you spoke about the issues or not during that time you were BOTH aware that intimacy was not happening and the relationship was eroding.

End things now OP. This will not get better. You are wasting your time with this. What if the love of your life appears in the next 4 months but you miss out on him because you keep this going? Come on. Give your head a wobble

Bring single and childless at 32 is far better than at say 45. It's normal or health, several children and 20 years late my partner and myself still have a good sex life he's clearly not willing to change.