Please help

[Este67]

Hi everyone,

Feel quite sad posting this but I'm too embarrassed to discuss this with my friends.

I'm 32 and in a relationship with a lovely guy - we've been together for 7 and 1/2 years. He's good looking, thoughtful, kind, funny, sweet etc. We have a great bond and often spend hours talking about anything & everything. In a lot of ways I feel very lucky. However, whilst we are very loving and tactile towards eachother: we have not had sex in 3 years and I cant cope with it anymore. It's affecting my self esteem and I feel very isolated as I don't know anyone else in this position. My partner and I have spoken about it many times and the conversation usually ends with us agreeing to work on it but nothing happens. He says he's still attracted to me but can't explain why he never initiates sex and doesn't/ can't respond when I do. Its now reached the point where it just feels weird/unnatural to even think about being sexual with him and any time we do attempt it ends in tears.

For a long time I've accepted this situation because we get on so well and I've just assumed that this is the price you pay when you're in a long term relationship. However I'm now at the stage where as well as just wanting to have sex, I'd like to have a child and there is obviously no way that will happen if things continue this way.

On top of that, I recently went out on a friend date with a friend of a friend and I noticed that we had a lot of chemistry. I would never cheat but I have found myself really thinking about this guy and wondering what it would be like to be with him. It also made me wonder if I could have banter and physical chemistry with someone else instead of having to choose one or the other.

It probably sounds like ending my relationship is the obvious choice but everytime I think about us not being together, it literally breaks my heart and I end up crying because we spend so much time together and are very close. Plus, I'm terrified to be single at 32, in a new place (we both just moved to another city for work) where I don't know anyone and where I might not find anyone who will be as patient and thoughtful with me.

This situation is honestly causing me so much anxiety and I cry about it most days. We discussed it at length last week and agreed that if we still haven't had sex by Jan 2020 that we will part amicably. However we have been down that road before and the chances are that unless I end it, we will just carry on as we are as the lack of sex really doesn't seem to be a problem for my partner (even though he says it is). I really don't want to make the wrong choice and lose my chance to have a child as I am very aware of my fertility. Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation & could offer some advice?

OP, this is your first boyfriend and you obviously care for him a lot. It’s going to take time to work through your feelings for him and be ready to move on. Do you want to drag that out for 3 months when you’ve mentioned several times that you’d like to have children. It takes time to move out but start sleeping in a separate room. Stop turning to him for emotional comfort. Eat separately. Start separating out your lives while one of you looks for a new place.

It’s over. There’s no point dragging out this false intimacy.

He then seemed to backtrack and said he wanted to go with the original plan of waiting till Jan as what harm could a few more months do

That is one of the most selfish things I have ever read on here. 'What harm'??

The fact is that like most of your relationship he has KNOWINGLY stolen away from you your possibility of meeting a man who really loves you and with whom you could have a family. He has KNOWN how he really feels about you but has let you carry on dangling and hoping things would change. He has been a selfish, harmful arsehole.

And he wants a few MORE months of it? Why exactly? Dear god, OP, find your anger and get out of there.

I think I have to take responsibility also in that, I've not felt attracted to him either for a long time and haven't done anything apart from nag/ moan about it. I absolutely understand where everyone is coming from and tbh my intention was to end it properly last night but I'll confess: hearing it out loud freaked me out and how upset he got made me second guess myself, so I kind of just went along with what he was saying. He doesn't get a lot of time off and he also has an important job interview coming up and I don't want what's going on with us to affect his mood.

I haven't been the perfect partner by any means, I'm always nagging him or trying to change him in some way and that's something he's never done to me I.e. he just accepts me the way I am, so I feel guilty just walking away abruptly and not giving him/us time to disengage. I don't honestly think I'd meet the love of my life in the state I'm in right now, so I think it's more intelligent to take some time to build up my self esteem again.

I really am not the naive, weak simpleton these posts would suggest, I'm usually very strong, decisive and have my crap together in all other areas of my life. Promise!

OP I was married to someone who avoided sex, it left me in emotional tatters, thinking I was so unatractive.

Life is too short to suffer this, and it makes it difficult if apart from this everything is fine. If he loved you, he would be doing something about it, and not be suggesting parting in Jan 2020.
He feels affection for you but no more. His sex drive is nothing you can fix the reasons behind his behaviour are his own.

You deserve a (fully) loving relationship, don't hang around go out and get it.

I've been happily married now for 42 years, okay I wasted a few years of " forced celibacy" but I did move on, please don't waste any more of your life.

I feel guilty just walking away abruptly and not giving him/us time to disengage
You've already 3 years to disengage and you know it OP.
Stop delaying this.
Stop making lame excuses.
You need to end this now.
If it's not going to be over until after Christmas... what?
Loads of money spent on presents etc..... to just walk away.
He will want more time after that too.
Stop trying to salvage this.

You are flogging that poor dead horse. leave him be. Let him rest in peace!

Honestly I've been in a similar situation where I've thought it through too much, dreaded starting again, being alone, causing heartache and fallout etc. However in the long run it's a small price to pay for your potential future happiness. You can do it alone, and start again and if you meet someone else along the way then that's a bonus, but the relationship you are in isn't a happy normal one. There is nothing to say you can't stay friends with your partner. Do you want to look back in another 10 years and despise him for denying you the closeness you crave? And children even? Believe me you will wish you could go back in time and kick yourself up the backside (I wish this about myself regularly).

He has been very selfish.
You keep trying to initiate and he rejects you but didn't bother to tell you how he felt.

I wouldn't wait anymore at all. There's no point to let him waste anymore of your precious time.

I have to ask if he watches porn?

He told me masturbates all the time and to "completion" if you know what I mean. I don't honestly think he's gay or asexual, he's just not that into me sexually. I do agree with you that he's been selfish but I can't stress enough that I am very far from perfect myself. I will perhaps at least let him have the interview before making any further moves. I do really appreciate the passion everyone has shown on this, please don't think your words are falling on deaf ears because they're not, I'm not under any illusions anymore that this can be salvaged and that is in part due to the reactions of everyone on here.

Forced celibacy is horrid. I'm in my 60s and still want sex in a relationship - and you would like children. He's being extremely selfish keeping you in a sexless limbo. Take control and end it NOW for your self esteem and MH sake. Sort out being 'friends' from distance.

Not convinced you aren't being a 'beard' to cover his homosexuality but whatever the real reason, stop wasting your precious fertile years on this man.

I haven't been the perfect partner by any means, I'm always nagging him or trying to change him in some way and that's something he's never done to me I.e. he just accepts me the way I am

He accepts you as are you but isn’t sexually attracted to you and didn’t have the balls to tell you for 3 years, even when you’ve begged/nagged him to get help for this and even when it’s left you in tears time and time again. He’s not bothered to change you or himself or do anything to improve the relationship, despite you asking for that. You say he’s helped you when you’ve been down about this issue, except he hasn’t because he could have long ago admitted he wasn’t sexually attracted to you or got help. Also, presumably he was sexually attracted to you in the beginning but decided to just bury his head when he felt his attraction to. I’m sorry OP but he’s not the saint you paint him to be, he’s a selfish arse. He’s had 3 years being a selfish arse and so stuff him if the timing isn’t right for him at the moment. The timing will never be right for a selfish arse because they’ll always have something more important in their life than yours. If he finds himself suddenly sexually attracted to another person, he’ll be sure to end the relationship properly regardless of whether the timing works for you.

You might not have been the perfect partner but you tried, unlike him. You are not solely the reason this relationship failed.

Is he a porn addict? He gets his thrills - but denies you yours BIN BIN BIN

I'm sorry OP, I can understand how it can take a while to process this. It's easy for us to say

You need to do what's right for you. Put yourself first. You sound like a lovely, caring person, please don't get caught up in either feelings of guilt or obligation towards him, or the sunk costs fallacy (we spent X number of years together so therefore I have to keep sticking around).

As women it's hard to escape that kind of thinking (we're trained in it). But it's OK for you to look after yourself now.

I still think he's not telling you quite the whole truth, OP. I don't know many men who won't even attempt a shag of a willing woman that he's living with and otherwise has a great relationship with. The not attracted to you didn't stop you wanting to have sex with him, did it? Not even after a couple of drinks and an otherwise cuddly evening?

Still not buying it. Unless his tastes are very VERY particular, sexually, he hasn't even tried, and even in the days he was trying, he wasn't putting much into it, was he?

I wonder if he's either got rather extreme fetishes that he doesn't want to face, or he's into women (or men) who are on a particular end of a particular spectrum.

Better that you split. You've had the hard discussion. Your relationship won't feel the same any more, even if you are staying in the same house and 'pretending'. Get out there, OP, and find someone else.

"Still not buying it."
I still believe there is more to it too but save from giving him truth serum I'm not sure what else I can do. He said that he will always love me and thinks I'm beautiful but life issues (3 moves in as many years, long distance relationship for the first year) and tensions between us (him earning less than me, not pulling his weight around the house etc ) have contributed to his waning attraction to me. When I countered that by saying lots of couples have these issues and don't stop having sex (indeed some couples I know seem to have more sex in times of stress) he said he didnt believe that.
"I wonder if he's either got rather extreme fetishes that he doesn't want to face, or he's into women (or men) who are on a particular end of a particular spectrum."
I don't think it's that complex. When we first got together, I was more guarded and wouldn't let him see me without makeup, I was a stone lighter, size 6-8 and was much more glamorous. Fast forward 7 years, I'm currently wearing a onesie with hair scraped back and glasses on! This is partly why I don't blame him, I think I relaxed too much and I'm definitely going to learn from that.

I don't think it's that complex. When we first got together, I was more guarded and wouldn't let him see me without makeup, I was a stone lighter, size 6-8 and was much more glamorous. Fast forward 7 years, I'm currently wearing a onesie with hair scraped back and glasses on! This is partly why I don't blame him, I think I relaxed too much and I'm definitely going to learn from that.

No no NO. The utter shit has even let you blame yourself for his lack of desire for you. You put on a stone and wear a onesie, and you think THAT is the reason? You 'relaxed too much'??

My OH wants to have sex with ME. He doesn't care what I am wearing or not, I have glasses, I have a post-children middle-aged body, I wear whatever I bloody feel like, I nag him about all sorts of stuff sometimes unfairly, I can be stubborn and bloody-minded, and I am far, far from perfect. Nevertheless he loves having sex with me.

This is not your fault and you don't have to spend your life feeling that you cannot be who you are.

It may just be the case that he has porned himself into being completely unable to have any sex with a real woman (getting more and more common these days btw, google it) rather than that he has a secret fetish or whatever, but it is NOT your fault and you didn't cause him to be like that.

Listen to @Haffiana she speaks the truth!

One of my best friends has a husband just like your partners. They have been married for 14 years, sex wasn't good before but has been non existent since marriage. He does not find her attractive. She refuses to leave him but suffers deeply in silence. She has feared being on her own for 14 years and chose to suffer for 14 years rather than break free all that time ago. Don't be her.

Hey op, i dont have any advice for you im afraid but i was reading the thread and thought this might be of interest too you. Its a podcast on sex in long term relationships. You can find it on itunes or if you have an android wherever you can get them (im not an android user so useless sorry!)

I know you and your dp have split, but it is very interesting on female sex and i found it very useful.

I really feel for you and wish all the luck. Its hard situation your in, and you deserve all the happiness.

I should say the podcast looks like its about relationships but i found that is was very empowering for women and the sex life they deserve, with or without partner.

Even though it must be so hard I'm glad you have made a decision regarding relationship and wish you all the luck in the future. no doubt it is going to be hard but given time (cliche I know) things will get better.

I just wanted to offer my experience!

I don't think he's gay or anything else tbh.
I was him in my last relationship.
Would make up every excuse why I couldn't have sex.
But basically it was because I didn't want sex with him I wasn't attracted to him in that way anymore.
No matter what I did I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him.
I thought it was because I just had no libido anymore so tried everything to get it back.
But still didn't want sex with him or anything.
So I thought it was just me I didn't like sex.
Until I went to the gym and had a personal trainer and then found myself getting turned on just by him touching my arm....
then I was on a night out and some guy came to talk to me and whispered something in my ear....I got turned on again.....I hadn't been turned on by my husband in years so it was strange....but at that moment I knew I had to end things as it wasn't sex I didn't want anymore it was just sex with my husband.
We split up and now I love sex.
Sometimes it just fizzles out but me and my ex husband never had amazing sex like you didn't at the start with your partner.

Sorry just thought I would share. Not sure if it will help x

I hate to put it this way, it seems wrong, but the clock's ticking OP. Cut your losses immediately and get with the program :)

He doesn't find you sexually attractive. He tells you he masturbates a lot. He may be a nice man to have as a friend but for goodness sake, bin him as a partner and find someone to build a life with. Leave him to his porn and masturbation and go out and meet a man who fancies the knickers off you. After a few weeks of fantastic sex, you'll realise exactly what you've been missing.

You want a family? You won't get pregnant with this selfish sod, and why would you even want to? There will be a lovely man out there, who will be a brilliant husband and a great father. Go and find him!

Cut the cord NOW, it's ages until Christmas, plenty of time for families and friends to get used to the idea of the end of your relationship.

Hello OP. How are you doing tonight??

I've read your update and am really sorry to hear it. Except, at least you know now.

A few things I'd like to address...
Even if you dont leave right this second, start on The List of things you need to do.
Maybe do move out of the bedroom?
You said you know you'll never find anyone else. That's negative self talk. As soon as possible, stick up a note that says I am open to a wonderful relationship when the time is right.
Do start to cut down emotionally with him. Maybe look at your night time activities? I've always rated gigs for meeting men.
Look at some self esteem work too. You say he earned less, didnt pull his weight etc and that's why he no longer fancies you. Well, that bar is pretty low. You shouldn't have to ask a man to do his share, he should just do it. Being cut off sexually does not follow from having to ask him to grow up. You're selling yourself short with that.

The main thing is, challenge your thinking on this I'll never meet anyone shit, and raise your self esteem.

FWIW I'm 45 and just got engaged to a fabulous sexy capable rugby player hunky type man, whom I met on tinder. Previous to that, the drummer from a very well known famous band clocked me from the stage and chased me down thro Facebook. The world is an oyster my love, make it yours xxxx

@something2say

Hi there, you're very kind to check up on me. Currently, I'm all over the place. The shift from me not knowing what to do to feeling (almost) certain I should end the relationship has taken place over a few weeks (if that) and I'm a bit overwhelmed.
I'm also aware that this pretty much started when I met someone who I felt I had a spark with and I'm not really happy with what that says about me.

I haven't had a further conversation with him, so we're technically still together, which makes no sense as we have established there's no physical chemistry between us and clearly don't want the same things. I've loosely decided to bring it up again after he's had his interview in a few weeks.

However, I'm still alternating between feeling guilty for any upset a breakup might cause him, feeling angry/ resentful at how much of my time he's wasted then back to feeling guilty for the fact I didn't take responsibility and address this sooner. I also feel guilty that I'm not being as loving towards him (not holding his hand when walking, not wanting his leg on mine when on the sofa, not wanting to kiss him goodnight) and he is picking up on it and seems hurt by it. Tonight he asked me if I still loved him, which he has never done before.
I'm just exhausted by everything and keep wishing I could turn back time, which I know is pointless.

Thank you for the advice re. Self esteem. I have struggled with ED and depression in the past and I believe that might be the root of the issue. I understand what you're saying re. meeting someone else but I went through a long time being single prior to meeting him, whilst all my friends/ peers were rolling in attention and boyfriends and it's really left me with a lot of hangups.