MIL being abused by FIL

[Nomintrude]

I'm hoping I can get some advice about the situation my very lovely MIL is in. Her husband (my partner's dad) has always been controlling and got his own way with things, kept her away from the finances and basically conditioned her to accept being in a subservient role in the marriage. In the past 18 months he's become unwell with various complications and she has been caring for him. During this time his behaviour has become really vile and abusive. She's been doing everything for him up to and including wiping his bottom, while being subjected to awful verbal abuse (on one occasion he said he would nail her head to the wall but that would be a waste of a good nail ).

He listens in on her phone calls and tries to stop her talking to people by constantly shouting and banging with his stick. Their house is in serious need of work which he won't authorise paying for despite being very comfortable, wouldn't let her get a cleaner despite the fact that she's a full-time carer for him and having to do huge amounts of extra laundry for him, and has really awful sciatica from lifting him. He accuses her of spending money frivolously which she doesn't at all, makes her pay for big household items out of her pension while keeping hundreds of thousands of his own savings. It's 'his house, his money' despite the fact they've been married for 40 years.

Basically, he's a weapons grade cunt and she's been calling us anxious and in tears not knowing what she can do about it. We've tried talking to him, writing him a letter, family meetings, talking to the GP. Social services are now involved and have been helpful, but it seems their hands are tied unless he becomes physically abusive. He has a legal right to live in the house, and she won't leave as she'd have to re-home her dogs and I just think it would all be too traumatic for her.

She's finally had some respite when he went into a rehabilitation place for the last three weeks but is due to come back on Monday. He had agreed to carers coming in but has now refused to sign the paperwork saying he doesn't need them, and doesn't want to spend the money which is about £250 a week and definitely affordable for him. She's dreading him coming back but the home he's in don't do long term care and say they've done all they can to help him regain his strength. The physiotherapist also commented on how manipulative he is and said it's one of the more extreme cases she's seen.

As far as we can see, the only thing she can currently do is refuse to be his carer when he returns and just try to live with the behaviour as best she can. We try to give her as much emotional support as possible and help her to see she doesn't have to do as he says but she's such a gentle and unworldly person, and I think she will find it very difficult not to fall back into the dynamic when he's in the house again.

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. She's a lady in her seventies who has been a housewife all her adult life and has a fairly traditional worldview so we don't want to alienate her by being too overtly 'feminist' but she does listen to me and has realised how unacceptable it is. We just don't know what the options are to advise her though.

She doesn't have to let him back. He needs care, she's not legally obliged to provide it, therefore he does not have a place where care is available to him.

Can you start enquiring about getting him to a home fulltime. If your MIL goes to the G.P and says she can't cope with him, she has sciatica and he is making her ill at home, maybe they can get him referred into a home.
Has anyone got Power of Attorney over his health?
He sounds like a right, narcissistic, control freak fucker. They are everywhere and make life hell.
Sorry I haven't been much help, I hope your MIL can get some peace.

Ok firstly, is her name on the deeds to the house? If not, I suggest you go to a solicitor and get her interest in the house registered - he sounds like the type to will it elsewhere to spite her.

Secondly, no she doesn't have to have him back in the house. Will he get better? He is abusive and she is perfectly within her rights to refuse to care for him due to this. The money stuff would come under coercive control which is now recognised as abuse.

Maybe you can be her mouthpiece here, but to say to SS that if he comes back she will not care for him - in fact if he is discharged you and DH will be taking her (and dogs!) for a nice long month's break at yours. Don't back down.

She needs to rehome him not her ddogs...

Poor lady. All too common! A month at yours with her dogs sounds ideal if you have room.

If it's his home, he can come back but she does not have to provide the care.

Unfortunately Lexi he can't 'be referred into a nursing home', he would have to pay for it and that doesn't sound like it would be forthcoming. And a POA can only act if he doesn't have capacity and in his best interests - not just take over because he is being an arse.

All you can do is keep supporting her and reminding her that even if she thinks that when you get married 'it's for better and for worse', it really didn't mean this, and he now needs a team to look after him not one elderly woman.

Are Social Services seeing your MIL as a Vulnerable Adult in her own right?

He's considered to have mental capacity so no power of attorney unfortunately, although it's been mooted as an idea. My partner handles his finances for him as he's been unable to do so since becoming ill, I think it's just been too mentally taxing or something but apparently he's judged to be compos mentis so there aren't any avenues we can go down there. He throws a hissy fit if he sees anything come out of his account that he hadn't agreed to, no matter whether it's getting things in place that he actually needs, so he's still holding the purse strings really. We'd like him to go into a home ideally so he can't continue to make her life a misery, but he can't be forced to do that and I think he rather enjoys being at home playing his nasty games. Plus he's so tight I can't imagine him agreeing to the expense of it anyway.

Mitzik that's what I thought, but she's been on the phone to the social worker this afternoon and they've said as it's his home she can't refuse to allow him back. He does need care but is arguing that he doesn't - I can't see how that can be true after three weeks of rehab, when before he couldn't even use the toilet or get out of bed unaided. My partner suspects he might have been putting it on a bit so I don't know really.

I just worry he'll come back and wear her down until she's doing everything for him again. He goes from openly vile and abusive to acting the lost little boy and she inevitably feels guilty. Not to mention she can't really think straight because he won't leave her alone. It's textbook abuse really. I said to tell the social services she didn't feel safe having him in the house but apparently that's not enough. He's never actually hit her, but has made threats and grabbed her clothes. I worry a bit that if he's more mobile now he'll just up the abuse and get physical as well.

Yes, she's being classed as a vulnerable adult but unfortunately the advice they're giving is that she can withdraw care, and she can leave, but those are her only options. She's said she won't do the care anymore when he comes back but was worrying about whether she had to get him his wine and whiskey so I don't think she's really twigged that she doesn't have to do a damn thing for him anymore. She'll do it because she's kind and would feel guilty, and to keep the peace. So my worry is that it will go back to how it was.

I agree with lexie - your MIL needs to see her GP and get them to agree that she physically isn't capable of looking after him at home. It would also be helpful if his physio could write a report about how difficult he is for a professional to cope with, let alone an elderly frail woman.

SS will push and push and push to get her to take responsibility, some seem to think it is their job to keep people out of care homes and make the relatives do the caring at home. You have to force them to take notice. I had to do that when they tried to insist that my elderly incontinent stroke patient uncle came to live with me.

AnnaMagnani, he does need a team to care for him. His stay at the rehab place was delayed so they could make sure there were two carers available to move him. Which she'd been doing by herself, despite being in pain .

Can you explain to MIL that he needs more care than she can provide and that it is unkind for her to continue to attempt to meet his needs while running down her own health....then take her in for a short holiday? If there is no space for the dogs they could be kennelled for a couple of weeks.

Then work on him explaining that his wife is not there to care for him and he needs to make other arrangements. Unless his hand is forced, I'd agree the dynamic will return, and get worse as she becomes less able, and he becomes more frustrated with it...and more abusive.

If you set it up as being a caring act to ensure that he gets the help that he needs, rather than MIL abandoning him because he's an abusive cunt, then she might be more willing to come stay with you for a while.

Can she move out for a while so? Do you have room for her to stay, with the dogs, even for a month or so, until fil realises he cannot manage at home without a lot of extra help. I wouldn't be collecting him. If he thinks he can get a taxi and make his way home then let him off. Tell the staff that mil is not fit to care for him and won't be caring for him. Tell fil that mil is no longer able to care for him so if he wants to get home he needs to sign for a carer, agree to a cleaner and whatever other help he will need. When all those are in place with a routine established, then mil can go back to the house if she even wants to. My mother literally killed herself looking after my father. None of us realised the work that went into caring for him until she died, and he was mobile enough to drive. She didn't go into detail about it. She did have a cleaner despite him not wanting 'strangers' in the house. When she died we organised home help and he had no choice. He ended up in a nursing home anyway as the help wasn't enough for him to manage at home. You know exactly the stress and strain your mil is under so get Dh and any other siblings to step the fuck up now and stand up for her.

Can she stay with you for a few days when he's due to return home? Or failing that, make sure she's out when he's due to arrive? That might help him accept carers.

Sorry, cross post.

Oh, she can refuse. On the grounds that she is not caring for him, he has refused outside ones and it would be unsafe for him to be there without the appropriate level of care, which she is unable to provide.

'He's not coming back here and that's the end of it' is something his social worker will have to deal with, instead of manipulating her to agree to do something she doesn't want to and can't safely do.

She needs to move in with you for a few days, if you will have her. That will send the signal to SS that she's not providing care.

Sometimes only drastic action works with the authorities. The SS staff are probably willing her to do that, so that they can help.

Ok, reading through these posts it seems the only way to force his hand (or social services) would be for her to temporarily leave. We'll suggest she comes to stay with us which will be chaos with the dogs but I know she wouldn't put them into kennels. She may not want to leave the house, and her chickens, but I'm sure we can sort something out there if she does agree. If she stays with us, it wouldn't mean she was jeopardising her claim to the house does it? I don't know whether she's on the deeds or not but she is his spouse of 40 years so she must have a pretty strong legal position surely?

I’m concerned if she stays and does not provide care. If he truly needs care, then could she be considered in neglect?

I don’t think she should be caring for him. I would really try to get her to take a break, either staying with you, or better yet, using their joint assets to take a reasonable trip, maybe something like a caravan holiday where she could bring the dogs. Not expensive, and she could go away for 3-4 weeks so he would be forced to fend for himself or accept outside help.

Purple I don't think it would be considered neglect, if she makes it clear she won't be doing it.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother, Drum2018. Unfortunately I fear that's quite common.

Social care will have massive budget restrictions and will push and push for family to shoulder the burden of care. When my mum needed intervention I was told that if I took her home with me for a three-day visit over Christmas that would demonstrate that we were able to care for her and adult social care wouldn't need to get involved. It was utterly hideous. It was as if we had to allow a crisis to happen for them to step in.

You and your MIL are perfectly within your rights to say no to becoming a full-time carer.

I agree she absolutely must go to her GP and get whatever support she can.

Sorry you're going through this

OP, I think for a few pounds you can search the land registry to find out about the deeds.

You’re absolutely correct that as a spouse, and house wife, of 40 years she has a good legal position - but only if she takes steps to take this legal position. It may sound extreme, but what about divorce? She’s due half his pension, savings, investments and the house. With your husband helping with the finances, I’m sure he’s aware of the potential value in the pot to be shared.

Although the above is extreme, other options as suggested but that’s only a partial fix and only if your FIL agrees to pay for carers and continues to pay. Doesn’t address the abuse or lack of repairs to the house or other expenditures for MIL is made to make from he small pension.

Defenestrator, does that mean that by allowing him home (which legally she must), she will be his death facto carer anyway? It's such an awful system . I can't believe that despite his abusive behaviour which has been witnessed by multiple people, she's got no way of keeping him out.
I did say today that she really needs legal advice over the money. I think that's something else we'll need to do with her because she's accepted his narrative over the finances up to now. I've asked my partner and apparently she's not on the house deeds (what a shock!) but the will states everything goes to her.

She won't be considered neglectful. She does not have a duty of care, especially if she makes it clear to both him and social services that she will not be providing the care role.

She cannot stop him from coming home if he owns all/part of the house and has capacity to chose to come home. She cannot force him to have carers either if he has capacity. However, she also doesn't have to care for him and if he makes a capacitous decision not to employ carers despite being unable to look after himself that is his own look out. No one can force him into a care home while he has capacity to make his own decisions.

She must make sure her interest in the house is registered otherwise he can refuse to let her come home if this turns nasty. Is her name on the mortgage/deeds? It is really important that her interest in the house as her marital home is recognised.

How mobile/capable of looking after himself is he? If she leaves him alone for a week will he be able to get food, etc? If not, problem solved. He'll either give in and get carers or be so unwell he'll have to return to hospital/care of some kind. I know that sounds harsh but you'd be amazed how many of these horrible abusive old bastards there are out there, making their wives miserable and afraid into their elderly years. Most wives will continue to put up with up, despite advice to the contrary, through either fear or misplaced loyalty. If your MIL goes back, don't feel that you've let her down, it's just that this kind of behaviour is deeply ingrained and very hard to change.

Your poor MIL, thank goodness she’s got you and ds fighting her corner.

My mum had a nightmare with her uncle, trying to look after him / do his shopping with a full time job when she was in her 60s herself. He had Carers come in but not enough for his needs, my mum felt guilty but he was a 30min drive away, she got a lot of help and advice from Age Concern so they might be worth a call, they supplied him with some extra Carers themselves and helped my mum get more help from the local authority. As your MIL is also elderly they might have some suggestions. Good luck

No, it's not neglect when FIL is refusing the carers he needs. That is self-neglect, which he has the capacity to be allowed to do.

I'd be tempted to get him his wine and spirits. Lots of them. frequently.