MIL being abused by FIL

[Nomintrude]

I'm hoping I can get some advice about the situation my very lovely MIL is in. Her husband (my partner's dad) has always been controlling and got his own way with things, kept her away from the finances and basically conditioned her to accept being in a subservient role in the marriage. In the past 18 months he's become unwell with various complications and she has been caring for him. During this time his behaviour has become really vile and abusive. She's been doing everything for him up to and including wiping his bottom, while being subjected to awful verbal abuse (on one occasion he said he would nail her head to the wall but that would be a waste of a good nail ).

He listens in on her phone calls and tries to stop her talking to people by constantly shouting and banging with his stick. Their house is in serious need of work which he won't authorise paying for despite being very comfortable, wouldn't let her get a cleaner despite the fact that she's a full-time carer for him and having to do huge amounts of extra laundry for him, and has really awful sciatica from lifting him. He accuses her of spending money frivolously which she doesn't at all, makes her pay for big household items out of her pension while keeping hundreds of thousands of his own savings. It's 'his house, his money' despite the fact they've been married for 40 years.

Basically, he's a weapons grade cunt and she's been calling us anxious and in tears not knowing what she can do about it. We've tried talking to him, writing him a letter, family meetings, talking to the GP. Social services are now involved and have been helpful, but it seems their hands are tied unless he becomes physically abusive. He has a legal right to live in the house, and she won't leave as she'd have to re-home her dogs and I just think it would all be too traumatic for her.

She's finally had some respite when he went into a rehabilitation place for the last three weeks but is due to come back on Monday. He had agreed to carers coming in but has now refused to sign the paperwork saying he doesn't need them, and doesn't want to spend the money which is about £250 a week and definitely affordable for him. She's dreading him coming back but the home he's in don't do long term care and say they've done all they can to help him regain his strength. The physiotherapist also commented on how manipulative he is and said it's one of the more extreme cases she's seen.

As far as we can see, the only thing she can currently do is refuse to be his carer when he returns and just try to live with the behaviour as best she can. We try to give her as much emotional support as possible and help her to see she doesn't have to do as he says but she's such a gentle and unworldly person, and I think she will find it very difficult not to fall back into the dynamic when he's in the house again.

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. She's a lady in her seventies who has been a housewife all her adult life and has a fairly traditional worldview so we don't want to alienate her by being too overtly 'feminist' but she does listen to me and has realised how unacceptable it is. We just don't know what the options are to advise her though.

Can I ask a question which might be horrible and brutal but seems to be a way out no one is mentioning... he’s an old man with a brain tumour? Realistically might he die soon anyway? I’m not saying she shouldn’t take steps not to be abused, but is this a problem that might resolve itself fairly shortly?

The only way to force him to pay for carers is for her to be not there when he returns. She is entitled to a break. I am sure it would be possible to organise some cover for the chickens and even dogs. Because one day, she might snap and put a pillow over his face. I know that is what I would at the very least fantasise about in her place.

PotteringAlong... The tumour itself is benign and I don't believe it's growing or progressing. Other health issues were prostate problems and he also is obese and diabetic. Not sure why he's become so incapable but I think it's been a case of use it or lose it, and his natural laziness. It's sad to see him like that but he's only in good seventies so there's no reason to think he won't live for quite a few more years - or he could keel over tomorrow, we just don't know. MIL's own health will fail in the meantime if she's continually under such stress - it's criminal but nobody will intervene because he has capacity.

Sorry not read the whole thread as limited on time but don't think anyone has suggested the police? This appears to be years and years of domestic abuse, both financial, verbal, coercive control.

I know it might seem drastic and will write more later if it's an avenue you would explore but they could help. There are charities for helping temporarily rehome animals for victims of DA as this is a frequent reason people stay. They are "fostered" in essence. It sounds an awful way to live. Poor lady.

Recording him being abusive won't really make much difference, unless she is prepared to go to the police with it and have him prosecuted for DV. I'm not even sure how interested the police would be in this kind of coercive, financial sort of abuse if it isn't physical. She has the same options as any other woman in an abusive situation: leave, start divorce proceedings, etc.

Him being abusive won't stop him being able to live in his own house.

She just needs to absolutely point blank refuse to provide care and to not be there to do it. How long do you think he will realistically cope/manage without care?

However, once he realises he isn't getting his own way he will likely turn nasty and become more financially abusive so she really needs to get her ducks in a row (as they say on MN) and get her own bank account, move any savings she has access to, copies of financial documents, etc before he gets to that point

Thanks Needsomebottle. I just think she couldn't bear to not be with her dogs, she's dotty about them and they sleep in her bed. Officially two belong to my partner's brother so aren't always there, but are most of the time. It's a bit of a chaotic set-up really. Will definitely put the suggestion of police involvement in the table, perhaps get an officer to come round and give him a stern talking to about coercive control. He's the sort of person that's very slippery though so I'm doubtful how much difference it would make. It's a step in the right direction for MIL though.
I know the law regarding coercive control but in practice is it quite hard to prove? What would be the trigger to get the police involved? With violence it's a bit more clear-cut.

By no means the biggest issue here but if she's worried about the dogs, Dogs Trust do a fostering service for people fleeing domestic abuse and then she could have her dogs back once she's settled. Might be worth getting in touch with them to put her mind at ease on that score at least.

A lot of this will depend on how prepared she is to stand up to him. Does she want to involve the police? Does she want to leave/divorce him?

You may find she struggles with these ideas and it's incredibly difficult to do it the behalf of someone who isn't 100% on board with the idea

@justchecking1, this is the crucial issue really. She gets very upset about it (understandably!) but ultimately finds it very difficult to take any action.

Not wishing to put you off as personally I wish more cases like this went to the police, but they wont just give a stern talking to, if offences are reported, they will record them and have to follow them up, which would mean a statement from her and potentially court given the seriousness of this situation. It might be worth talking it through with womens aid first or a local domestic abuse charity so they can give you some idea what would happen with police involvement.

Please though, do not be put off by him being a slippery character. Police see these cases (sadly) all the time. They are used to dealing with manipulative people and aren't easily fooled by them by and large.

Your MIL's case does sound very severe. My heart goes out to her. And you for being so supportive.

Could we make a report to the police? It doesn't have to be the victim who starts that ball rolling necessarily, does it? I think she might be willing to make a statement, she's been very open about it all with us and we've had long chats with her and the social worker too.

My Mum passed her dementia test too, when she very clearly had problems, it just didn’t pick them up.

If the house has a lot of value or equity, she can divorce him, get half the house to house herself, let him go into a home and his half of the house will pay fees. A solicitor would advise her on any split in savings etc and she would get a state pension to live on.

She'd never have to even see him again.

She won't do it of course if she is that straight-laced and worried about other people's opinions, but she should

Tell her she only has one life to live and deserves better

She has a 50% share in the house, regardless of what the deeds say if they are married.

OP you can get land registry information here: www.gov.uk/government/organisations/land-registry - from memory its about £3. Think link given upthread is not Gov one. It would be a useful starting point to understand who owns house so that at least is clear?

@Withington she's not on the deeds apparently.

If your FIL returns home and your MIL is there the whole cycle will continue. Refusing to care for someone when you are trapped in the same house as them would be extremely difficult for anyone, let alone someone who has lived their life under coercive control.

The fact that he's been judged to have capacity means that he is within his right to refuse care. He is also completely within his rights to return home. I very much doubt he will allow you POA.

Can you or your MIL ring Age UK? I would want some legal advice as to where your mother would stand financially and with the house. She can then see what her options are for leaving.

Putput she won't leave, I'm certain of that. She's lived there all her adult/married life.

You must register her interest in the house. See a solicitor. If he wills the house away to someone else (he can do another will without your DH knowing about it), it will make it horribly complicated to resolve her claim to her share of the house.

Dementia tests are inadequate - even the Royal College of Pysch admits it.

Even if you're diagnosed with brain injury/dementia, you can still have capacity in law.

OP, I've lived your nightmare with my family and friends, twice. With hindsight (believe me, that's the only useful knowledge you get - afterwards):

1. FIL almost certainly has got dementia but it's too early for tests to pick up. Especially if he's always been foul. The key question is has there been a change in his level of vileness? If so, you might want to think about telling his GP.

1. IME, no one can do anything much to help either of them. You'll all be treated for stress yourselves, so take note of this more than anything: look after yourselves. You'll need every ounce of strength for the battles ahead.

1. In the end, there will be a crisis which resolves matters for both parents. One/both will fall and end up in hospital, whence they don't go home. Either FIL gets taken into care or - more likely - MIL will be taken away.

1. This might be a long, horrible wait, with shrieking phone calls every night at 2am for years. Get a separate number for PIL.

The minute either MIL or FIL arrive at A&E, maintain a firm refusal to SS to have anything to do with them. This is the only way you can help them. In the meantime of course you have been doing things for them and you will have sussed out a decent care home.

1. Last but not least, do not at any point rely on 'nature taking its course'. Or or any of the other euphemisms for death people will come out with. MIL and FIL may live for 25 years - you are looking at managing an emergency that lasts a quarter of a century. Care home is the only answer.

Ok she wont leave. Would she change the locks and tell the police (with a view to get a court order/injunction preventing him to come home).
If not its a case of supporting her as things are.
Sadly the threashold for the police to take action without her consent is very high.

@Hellywelly10 I don't think she can change the locks on her husbands house. That's illegal.

^the police would need to clarify if she had grounds to do this based on the individual circumstances.

If he does in fact have dementia, how does that change things? Could they do another test? His brother died of an aggressive form of dementia a few years ago and it was horrible for the whole family, he had to be sectioned. I wonder if it's the same situation again. I bloody hope not, I'm going to be worrying about my partner going the same way one day .