MIL being abused by FIL

[Nomintrude]

I'm hoping I can get some advice about the situation my very lovely MIL is in. Her husband (my partner's dad) has always been controlling and got his own way with things, kept her away from the finances and basically conditioned her to accept being in a subservient role in the marriage. In the past 18 months he's become unwell with various complications and she has been caring for him. During this time his behaviour has become really vile and abusive. She's been doing everything for him up to and including wiping his bottom, while being subjected to awful verbal abuse (on one occasion he said he would nail her head to the wall but that would be a waste of a good nail ).

He listens in on her phone calls and tries to stop her talking to people by constantly shouting and banging with his stick. Their house is in serious need of work which he won't authorise paying for despite being very comfortable, wouldn't let her get a cleaner despite the fact that she's a full-time carer for him and having to do huge amounts of extra laundry for him, and has really awful sciatica from lifting him. He accuses her of spending money frivolously which she doesn't at all, makes her pay for big household items out of her pension while keeping hundreds of thousands of his own savings. It's 'his house, his money' despite the fact they've been married for 40 years.

Basically, he's a weapons grade cunt and she's been calling us anxious and in tears not knowing what she can do about it. We've tried talking to him, writing him a letter, family meetings, talking to the GP. Social services are now involved and have been helpful, but it seems their hands are tied unless he becomes physically abusive. He has a legal right to live in the house, and she won't leave as she'd have to re-home her dogs and I just think it would all be too traumatic for her.

She's finally had some respite when he went into a rehabilitation place for the last three weeks but is due to come back on Monday. He had agreed to carers coming in but has now refused to sign the paperwork saying he doesn't need them, and doesn't want to spend the money which is about £250 a week and definitely affordable for him. She's dreading him coming back but the home he's in don't do long term care and say they've done all they can to help him regain his strength. The physiotherapist also commented on how manipulative he is and said it's one of the more extreme cases she's seen.

As far as we can see, the only thing she can currently do is refuse to be his carer when he returns and just try to live with the behaviour as best she can. We try to give her as much emotional support as possible and help her to see she doesn't have to do as he says but she's such a gentle and unworldly person, and I think she will find it very difficult not to fall back into the dynamic when he's in the house again.

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. She's a lady in her seventies who has been a housewife all her adult life and has a fairly traditional worldview so we don't want to alienate her by being too overtly 'feminist' but she does listen to me and has realised how unacceptable it is. We just don't know what the options are to advise her though.

It will be very hard for her to break 40 years of coercive control, especially if she is of the generation of 'that's just what you do'.

I've dealt with a lot of women telling me this and I've thought, er no, I'm not up for this in my marriage, but in their generation they often really felt they had to.

If he is busy saying he can do x, y and z when he physically isn't able often a good way is to just ask him to do it and leave him alone to get on with it. It soon becomes clear he really does need the help of 2 people and isn't going to do whatever it is by himself, although sometimes a miracle does happen.

Then just keep saying 'No, Mum isn't doing it, you've shown you need 2 people' like a broken record. Literally use exactly the same words over and over.

You know he manipulates - toys out of the pram followed by puppy dog eyes, but you aren't MIL, you don't have to fall for it. Just carry on saying the same thing over and over. No letters, meetings, arguing - just everyone saying the same thing over and over so he knows MIL is not going to dig him out of this hole.

His loss of control - over his life and his body - is intensely distressing for him, and it seems he is coping by pretending it isn't happening and having massive tantrums. Unfortunately for him, he isn't immortal or unique as a human being and his wife isn't his emotional punchbag. There are things in life we all have to do and ageing is one of them.

I think she can't prevent him coming home as he owns the house, but I don't think it makes her de facto carer. What if she were ill/immobile/ otherwise unable to provide care? She may well become too ill if she is forced.

I actually think that divorce is a good idea. I hate it when women are abused by men and people expect them to stay and put up with it. I think legal advice on her position with the finances etc would be extremely helpful. I'm sure your DH would be able to access help if he's helping with the finances anyway. I'd recommend getting a power of attorney in place anyway, it only needs to be invoked if ever your FIL loses capacity, but it gives him an opportunity to be absolutely clear how he wants his affairs conducting.

My DP's mother was not allowed home after several falls, as DP's father refused carers coming into the house and said he could look after her, when he a) couldn't and b) didn't even try.

As others have said you do have to jump up and down to make the point to Social services before they will pick up any responsibility. A chat with the GP, with you / your DH alongside, making sure the GP is getting the correct message.
Get both types of POA set up now - financial and health

Hi OP. My DM wasn't on the deeds to the house she shared with DF, as the house was bought decades ago when DF was the wage earner and she a housewife, and it was just the way it was done at the time. When my lovely DF died a couple of years ago, even though he'd willed everything to my DM, we had to have the house valued and go through probate to get the house to her. If your MIL isn't on the deeds, there's nothing to stop FIL disposing of it another way - eg to charity or something. If it's not something you can ask FIL, you can search deeds on www.onlinelandregistry.org.uk. You don't have to be the owner of the house to do a search.

My FIL was like this. Eventually he had an episode serious enough to get him admitted into hospital. At that point, MIL who was outside his influence then decided she needed help and additional carers if he was to come home. She never looked back and while he did return to the house, the carers remained.

Good luck. FIL sounds like a nasty piece of work.

You can only get POA set up now if FIL agrees as he still has capacity to decide. If he is agreeable though, this is a good idea

All heatlthcare professionals hands are tired. You mother in may not be able to physically look after him but until she says no more nothing is going to change.
The best thing she can do is leave and take the dogs.
Has your partner said anything to his parents? Is there anyone in the family who he listens to perhaps?

Oh and get her interest in the house legally noticed! My dad never put my mum's name on the deeds to the family home then willed it to his sister when he died. And incompetent lawyers just allowed it to happen. Abusive men will go to extraordinary lengths.

Is it the hospital social worker you've been speaking to?

I was in a slightly different situation when my mum was in hospital, but with similar implications (she said she could cope at home, this was clearly nonsense due to the state of the house). I found the hospital social workers were much more clued in to this kind of situation than anyone else, as they see it so often.

Also, you say the house is in need of serious work. Is this an issue for him going back? If so, get photos and show them (I got that advice on here when I was going through it and it was a game changer).

In the end they did find some money to put her into 'respite' care for a month, to enable us to try and find another solution, so it might be worth asking about that, if you think FIL will agree.

And wrt power of attorney, the person granting power of attorney must have capacity when it is granted. It doesn't need to be invoked until capacity has been lost. It may be that capacity is never lost so it's never invoked. My DH and I have POA in place for each other and we're still in our 50s. Means that if the worst were to happen (for example if one of us were incapacitated in a crash or something), the other would be able to access everything that would be needed. Have you ever tried to change your electricity supplier if you're not the account holder?!

I think it might be wise to get legal advice, as the way I understand it, if she's in the home but not caring for him, she could be accused of neglect. Though that would probably be more the case if someone more able than mil was in the home. However if it is explained that she will not be there and you take her out of the home to stay at yours, then you won't be accused of neglect. I imagine she needs her GP to state that she can't be his carer.
Completely with you regarding all this. She shouldn't be caring for him. I'm just concerned about you or mil getting into trouble with this

She'll do it because she's kind and would feel guilty, and to keep the peace. So my worry is that it will go back to how it was

I'm quite sure you're right about the status quo returning; the difficulty here is that she's got options but clearly doesn't want to use them

Personally I'd advise her to get further advice for herself or even to take the Freedom Programme, but again you can't assume it will change anything at all. Only she can do that, and before having her to live with you, you might want to consider how long you'd want that to continue, what her presence would mean for you all and what you'd do if she didn't wish to leave again

I just realised that although this is your MIL/FIL, you've not mentioned your DH's views at all

What's his opinion on the matter and what input has he had so far?

Mil needs support and advocacy in her own right from a local domestic abuse charity. What steps does she want to take?

Yes indeed Hellywelly.

Age Concern have all sorts of resources and signposts. I found them to be really helpful.

Yes indeed Hellywelly.

Age Concern have all sorts of resources and signposts. I found them to be really helpful.

Poor woman. I would get her to her bank asap to ooen her own account which her pensions should be paid into, ne shouldnt need her money. If he is due home Monday I would tell the social worker she will be away for a few days therefore there will be no one to look, after him. She needs to get all financial info copied and filed safely and seek advice from a solicitor.

Are you sure he hasn't got dementia? Get a diagnosis- he may well have.

Thanks, loads of good advice here. I'm really worried about her legal/financial position - had no idea some of the issues that could crop up. I'm going to raise that with my partner and we'll definitely do everything we can to get it sorted.

Question - what would happen if she recorded him being verbally abusive? Is she allowed to do that without his permission/knowledge?

How would she record him, if she puts cameras in the house he may well break them, she could record it on a phone, would she feel safe telling him she has had enough of his abuse and will record it or will he just tell her to leave. Is it worth your dh talking to him to support her. If she is really unhappy and feels threatened by him would she be better staying somewhere else at the moment anyway.

You can get some very discreet surveillance equipment now, so it would be possible I think.

@minesagin37 he's been tested for dementia and apparently passed with flying colours. One of his health issues is a benign brain tumour though which we think might be affecting things but only in terms of making existing traits more extreme. We don't know though and he cancels every appointment that's made to see the specialist, and says he doesn't need the treatment, which I think would be surgery. He's understandably scared of that I guess but none of us know to what extent the tumour could be worsening his behaviour.

I just think he's always had things his own way and can't cope with losing his independence so has turned on MIL in an incredibly horrible way. He won't do anything to help himself either (there's actually no real reason they can find for why he's lost so much mobility other than sheer idleness) so it seems doubly unfair that he's been depending on her while being so abusive.

Someone asked about my partner, he's very much involved and on board and massively disappointed in his dad. It's been a big eye opener for him.

Maybe it is fear. I have seen patients react this way and take it out on loved ones.

You can arrange to have poa for her, then you and your dh can look after her money as soon as its registered and her health if she ever loses capacity, you dont want him making any decisions for her. It may be tumour related but without scans you might never know. Could the cinnamon trust take care of her pets for a while when she could stay with you. I think she would benefit from time away to think about her future with ot without him.

Maybe, but it's still abuse. The financial abuse as far as I can see has been ongoing, and she told us recently that when they got married he made her stop seeing her friends.