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Original poster

Does DP have a point? Am I being too hard on him?

33 replies

PatrickStarFish · 12/08/2007 09:15

DP and I have been together for over a year, I got the impression early on that he has been brought up to see his mother running around doing everything for the family whilst his dad watches TV and relaxes. DP did try this on with me but I put my foot down, he's seemed better since and said he never wanted to be like his father so is glad that I said something.

Anyway last night we were discussing babies and during conversation he said he would expect the mother to do all night feeds as the bloke would be working whilst the mum has the luxury of maternity leave to sit around the house all day. I told him that personally I would expect the night feeds to be shared no matter who was working and he said that would be selfish of the mother.

I also put the suggestion across that the mother might want to go back to work so who would do the night feeds then? he replied that by that time the baby would be sleeping all the way through I said not neccessarily, she might want to go back after a few weeks...he said this would be incredibly selfish of her and he wouldn't want to spend his life with a woman who was so selfish and unfit to call herself a mother!!

He went on to say that equality doesnt work and never will, life isnt fair and the sooner "she" realised that the better for the family unity.

He really came across as a sexist pig and I'm not sure I want to go down this road. Was it just the way it was worded do you think or is he being a twat?

OP posts:
EscapeFrom · 12/08/2007 09:17

Don't go down this road unless you like being a Surrendered Wife. You will be a slave to his whims.

PeachesMcLean · 12/08/2007 09:22

Well you might want to keep your legs crossed for a bit I'd say
But a lot of this comes down to breastfeeding and in that sense, there is no equality.
However, his attitudes to his mother are clearly disturbing. Does he pull his weight equally round the house with you?

greenday · 12/08/2007 09:24

'mum has the luxury of maternity leave to SIT AROUND all day'???????
If you believe that yourself, you're in as much trouble as him. Run away before its to late!

Freckle · 12/08/2007 09:32

So presumably you've already decided to bottle feed, otherwise he wouldn't be able to help with night feeds anyway.

Perhaps you need to put your foot down again.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 12/08/2007 09:44

TBH I had alot of arguments with dh while i was preg which made me scared about what we were about to do. Then I actually had the baby

It is very easy for dh to make sweeping atatements about theorectical baby and putative parents - this gets turned on its head when baby is actually there and making their own demands. I breastfed and co-slept thereby making night feed question null, but there is plenty that your dh will need to do to enable you to bf.

If you bottle feed then you will need help in order to function at night and during the day. He may have absorbed all his parents old fashioned ideas but he is not an idiot (i assume or you would not be with him), if he wants to be with you he will have to contribute to your partnership. There are no cyrstal balls available to predict how we will actually be as parents anyway ... I am contstantly reassessing.

Otoh - if his attitude is really negative - only you know him well enough to decide whether having children is a good idea.

WideWebWitch · 12/08/2007 09:49

He's being a twat.

Dh and I took it in turns to get up with dd. It was bearable because if you had a bad night you at least knew you'd get some sleep every other night. She didn't sleep through until she was ONE AND A HALF. If either of us had had no decent sleep in that time we'd have been loopy by the end of it.

I went back to work ft oth when she was 4 months old (we also had an at the time 6 yr ds from my first marriage) and I still did my share, getting up every other night. And I had a job where I needed to be with it. So I have put my money where my mouth is on this.

WideWebWitch · 12/08/2007 09:50

DH was a SAHD when I went back to work btw.

WideWebWitch · 12/08/2007 09:50

And you can still bfeed, you can express and put it in a bottle for night feeds.

Judy1234 · 12/08/2007 09:50

I would never have married a sexist man. In fact our conversations before marriage from his side were as you will will earn more if our child care arrangements don't work out I'll stay home and look after teh children. My father in the 1960s worked full time and did all the night feeds when my mother stopped breastfeeding. Men like you are dating went out with the arc and are best avoided. Tell him you would expect him to take the new 6 months paternity leave as you'd be back at work and that may be you both need a bit of counselling on these topics or else you're not sure this can work properly. It is not selfish for women to return to work. It can be better for children and relationships. It is the selfless option in some ways.

lupo · 12/08/2007 09:56

I think dh is wording it wrong, but when we had our baby I did used to do the night feeds in the week, and then used to nap with baby in the day so I could make up on my sleep, dh couldnt nap at work so seemd fairer and I was a sahm. Weekends we took turns and still do and when I went back to work we took turns also. so can see his point about needing sleep on work nights, esp if you can sleep in day with baby

WideWebWitch · 12/08/2007 09:57

But lots of people CAN'T sleep in the day and don't. It's perfectly possible to work ft oth and get up every other night. I did it. Men who say they can't are being pathetic and not pulling their weight imo

Nightynight · 12/08/2007 09:59

I have done night feeds (breastfeeding) and then gone to work during the day. I would agree with your partner, that if one person is staying at home, they should do night feeds. It is a completely different thing, to be at home when you are feeling knackered, to sitting in a meeting trying to make intelligent contributions while propping up your eyelids with matchsticks.

It sounds a bit unrealistic to write off mothers who return to work as selfish. Does he earn enough so that you could afford to take a longer break? Many people don't. There aren't that many mothers who are yearning to go back to work with a 6 week old baby - mostly they have to, to pay the mortgage.

The equality question is one that each couple has to sort out for themselves. What you feel comfortable with is so personal. It obviously hasn't entered your dp's head that he might take paternity leave himself!

I would be a bit worried by the comment that "life isnt fair" because this seems to imply that the womens role must automatically be worse than the mans, and that he thinks this is OK. The real situation is so much more complicated (some men like staying at home, some women like going out to work, some women stay at home and are the boss of the household etc etc etc).

So yes, I would want to probe a bit deeper. But you wont really know until after the baby's arrived, thats the problem.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 12/08/2007 10:00

oh.. he would have a reality check once baby is here, especially when he realises that nothing in the house gets to be done if he doesn't help with the baby.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 12/08/2007 10:01

and I'm not saying he should play with the baby while you run around like crazy sorting the house. You have to play as a team to make for a happy home.

lupo · 12/08/2007 10:03

Nightynight, thanks thats what i was tring to say..very hard to function at work without much sleep, atlease if you are at home you can sit down with a coffee, afterall most newborns do sleep quite a bit or atleast content to lie in in moses bsket for a bit etc

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 12/08/2007 10:17

I think that leaving a husband with a tiny baby for 24 hrs may help to open his eyes that early childhood is not all about sitting rocking a baby and singing lullabies..

Dior · 12/08/2007 10:31

Message withdrawn

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 12/08/2007 10:33

Oh that's so true, I got a travel cot before DS was born because I was studying and I had the image of my mind that I could continue working on my research while DS would be playing peacefully on the cot at the side of my desk! ha ha ha

Dior · 12/08/2007 10:36

Message withdrawn

Original poster
PatrickStarFish · 12/08/2007 12:07

Another thing he said along this line of conversation...I read a thread ages ago where a woman was getting annoyed because her husband was going out drinking with friends almost every night and they had a newborn. I asked DH what he thought of the situation and he said "some people are just like that". So I said that if I was that woman I would wait until he got in from work one day and tell him he was to take care of said baby whilst I went for a night out.

He said this would be selfish of me! I asked why it was not selfish of the bloke and he said "it is but that doesnt mean you should do the same or its the baby that suffers". So I asked what he suggested for the woman and he more or less said there wasnt much she could do and it would be better for all involved if she just accepted it and didnt do the same.

I dont think I could have children with him to be honest, he isnt great with mine as it is and he has already said that his own baby would "inevitably" be favoured

OP posts:
moondog · 12/08/2007 12:11

Oh Lordy.
Pack now and leave or a life of misery awaits you.
Wot a W.A.N.K.E.R.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2007 12:34

If he is not great with your own children then why are you with him?. What do you get out of this so called relationship?.

Your children may well wonder why you seemingly put him before them if you stay with such a man.

Also him stating that his child when born would be more favoured than your two is also worrying.

Better to be alone and happier than to be badly accompanied.

Judy1234 · 12/08/2007 12:44

He doesn't sound much of a catch. Sexist to the core.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 12/08/2007 12:50

Run, run and don't look back. What a charmer. Even if you got past his sexist bullshit, a child of your union would inevitably be favoured. Now that would ring huge bells for me.

MaloryTowersHasManners · 12/08/2007 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.