Does DP have a point? Am I being too hard on him?

[PatrickStarFish]

DP and I have been together for over a year, I got the impression early on that he has been brought up to see his mother running around doing everything for the family whilst his dad watches TV and relaxes. DP did try this on with me but I put my foot down, he's seemed better since and said he never wanted to be like his father so is glad that I said something.

Anyway last night we were discussing babies and during conversation he said he would expect the mother to do all night feeds as the bloke would be working whilst the mum has the luxury of maternity leave to sit around the house all day. I told him that personally I would expect the night feeds to be shared no matter who was working and he said that would be selfish of the mother.

I also put the suggestion across that the mother might want to go back to work so who would do the night feeds then? he replied that by that time the baby would be sleeping all the way through I said not neccessarily, she might want to go back after a few weeks...he said this would be incredibly selfish of her and he wouldn't want to spend his life with a woman who was so selfish and unfit to call herself a mother!!

He went on to say that equality doesnt work and never will, life isnt fair and the sooner "she" realised that the better for the family unity.

He really came across as a sexist pig and I'm not sure I want to go down this road. Was it just the way it was worded do you think or is he being a twat?

Blimey I would be off. Certainly the idea of having kids with someone like that......

Can I just say please don't make a decision on the basis that he might change if a baby actually turned up. What kind of logic is that? To give him his due he is hardly sugar coating it is he. If he is honest enough to tell you that should you have a child he will a) favour it over the others and b) give you no help at all - i think you should take that exactly as he says it.

Run fast and run far.

He sounds hard work, although I think its pointless really discussing what you'll do until you have the baby. I did 95% of the getting up- partly because of breastfeeding and artly because dh is utterly useless at getting up in the middle of the night and I'd have to wake up to wake him up. I still do all the getting up tbh (eldest has SN - was up last night from 3am). Also although I work he works very long hours in a pressurised job and as we're going to have another 10 years or so of it at least I kind of figure there's no point arguing about it. If we'd discussed sleppless nights we would have been thinking along the lines of 2 or 3 years max for the 3 kids, not 18, so would have been pointless discussing it.

If I've had a heavy night I stay in bed whilst he does breakfast etc I aslo frequently kick him out of the marital bed to bring a child in with me as that gives everyone the most sleep. It's a case of finding whatever works for your family.

Having said all that he sounds as if he's been brought up to be pretty selfish and I would think long and hard about how thoughtful he is in other areas before committing to him!

He doesn't sound nice. Agree with the others, run. Especially if he's not nice to your children, I wouldn't be with someone who wasn't (I have 2 children from 2 marriages)

Get rid - NOW - before you get any more embroiled.

It shouldn't really matter what he thinks of babies and women's roles because the important thing you have already discovered about him is that he's not great with the children you already have. Unless he admits that and, in the same breath, is prepared to work on improving his relationship with them (which I doubt he has), then why on earth would you remain with him to their detriment ?

If you had his child, who he's already told you will be favoured, your own children are likely to be made to feel even more unhappy and you will forever feel piggy in the middle trying to placate all concerned.

And that's before you get onto his selfish sexist attitude regarding child rearing.

FWIW, I b/f both mine until they were over a year old. I think night time feeds went on for more or less 4 or 5 months. Even so, my partner got up, changed the baby, and brought them to me. Okay ..... he then went back to sleep while I fed, but he had done all he could and allowed me a precious 2 or 3 minutes extra dozing. It was the thought that counted. Besides, you obviously already know that care of a baby or child goes far beyond feeding and it sounds as though he honestly believes a woman should put her life totally on hold to do all that's required, while it's okay for a bloke to carry on doing whatever regardless.

For goodness' sake, please do not marry, and/or have a child with this man. It's far too risky and relying on him changing once a baby's here is likely to blow up in your face. There are plenty of decent, unselfish men out there.

"I dont think I could have children with him to be honest, he isnt great with mine as it is and he has already said that his own baby would "inevitably" be favoured."

There is your answer.

Any man who suggested that they would favour their own biological child with me, over my other children, would still have an imprint on his arse, from where I booted him out of the door.

Get rid and move on.

What Braceyourself said, with knobs on.

yes, I think I would be looking for someone who was great with my children. they do exist.
His opinions sound a bit like the sort of thing my brother would say - by that, I mean that he hasnt thought stuff through properly. He might mature and improve with time and help - but then again, he might not.