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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has ‘secret’ child

105 replies

Hesthedad · 25/09/2019 14:53

A woman has contacted my husband on FB to say that he is the father of her 12 year old. She admits that she wanted a child but not a partner so she didn’t tell him when she was pregnant but now the daughter wants to get to know her father.
My husband seems to just believe her - I feel we should ask for a DNA test but he seems convinced.
We have been together for ten years, married for eight and have two children. He wants to meet the girl but the whole situation just makes me feel sick. It’s all so out of the blue.

OP posts:
ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 25/09/2019 14:57

Wow what a shock definitely proceed with caution and get a DNA test

antisupermum · 25/09/2019 15:04

I assume he probably knows if he was in a relationship with the woman at the time, and whether the had unprotected sex (or even protected sex, I suppose!). So, if all those facts add up, maybe that is why he is just believing her as it doesn't seem outlandish to him that he ay have produced a child then.

I would still be asking for a DNA test though and as your husband is potentially going to be financially liable for this "new" child, you have every right to demand as you are married to him and will have financial ties to him.

I think you need to have a very firm chat with him and make it clear that yes, this may be HIS child, but this is YOUR life not to mention your kids that it is affecting and he does not just get to make the calls on this situation, and expect you to follow him down the path on it.

The womans' story may be very perfectly true and plausible. The devils advocate could also say that she may have looked him up online, seen that he is doing well for himself and selected him because he was a suitable candidate for a father and/or gullible enough to believe her.

Original poster
Hesthedad · 25/09/2019 15:09

He says the relationship was fairly casual and that she ended it very quickly (after she got what she wanted presumably) She then disappeared out of his life till now.
I am concerned that he has always wanted a daughter - we have two sons and when I was expecting the second I know he wanted a girl. The woman says she had never intended to get in touch until the girl started asking.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2019 15:15

What a shock. I wouldn't be upset with your husband, but I would demand he take this seriously and take steps to protect your family and confirm the girl is actually his child before he agrees to bring her into your lives. Also, I would see a solicitor immediately. This would be non-negotiable for me. If your husband accepts his child as his, might the mother take him to court for back/future child maintenance? You need information before any steps are taken.

aboutbloodytime123 · 25/09/2019 15:17

Similar thing happened to a friend of mine. It's a few years down the line now and it's all amicable - friend has small DC and they have a grown up sister. It was a shock for her but actually he did know about it - the mum moved away when her daughter was little and didn't stay in touch with him. It was the daughter who tracked him down once she was old enough to be able to. So it might be as another PP said that your DH knows a little more than he's let on.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/09/2019 15:18

well it isn't a "secret" child, he did not keep it from you. Why do you feel sick about it? He wasn't with you at the time. But yes, a DNA test is a neccesity and if the little girl is his then he needs to step up and sort out some maintenance for the mother. Quite a shock for all involved I'm sure but it needn't be a drama, and in the long run all will be fine.

Badolddays · 25/09/2019 15:19

I know someone who received a call out of the blue like this and the family became close to the child over a couple of years but it turned out the guy wasn’t the father after all which a DNA test confirmed.

BeanBag7 · 25/09/2019 15:19

@aquamarine1029
I dont think it is possible to backdated child maintenance. It would hardly be fair to expect the dad to suddenly stump up 12 years of payments for a child he didnt even know existed.

LolaSmiles · 25/09/2019 15:22

What a big surprise. I can't imagine how you're feeling.

Other posters are spot on. A DNA test should be first on the agenda to protect everyone involved and give this little girl the truth. There's no point going further with meetings if he isn't her father and if things were brief and casual then there may be other men who could be the father.

If the mother has been honest with the child about her keeping father in the dark then that's at least something. At least he's not going into a situation where the child has been told lies about their dad.

Proceed with caution OP, you've got a great family and if your husband is a good man then he'll find a way to make it work.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2019 15:23

I dont think it is possible to backdated child maintenance.

This is what I'm taking about. "Thinking" something is NOT knowing. The op needs to make sure that her family is protected. It's not good enough to just assume things. She and her husband need professional legal guidance.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/09/2019 15:24

That's horrible. I'd definitely get a DNA test just to confirm things.

Original poster
Hesthedad · 25/09/2019 15:26

Money is not an issue - part of the reason why this woman chose to have the baby on her own is that she comes from a well off family.
I’m not angry with my husband but the dynamics of our family are bound to change and I’m concerned about my husband’s relationship with our youngest son.
My MIL is going to be over the moon - my husband’s family are parents, him and his sister and his sister has a son and a daughter. It’s MIL who was always going on about ‘one of each’.

OP posts:
KUGA · 25/09/2019 15:31

SnuggyBuggy is spot on.

Teddybear45 · 25/09/2019 15:32

Sorry to be blunt but this isn’t about you or your feelings. This is about a girl, your DH’s daughter, who wants to get to know her dad. If your DH isn’t disputing this and wants to get to know her then you shouldn’t be putting your children in front of that decision as roadblocks. The girl’s mum has probably done you a favour as you got to live all these years as a family without knowing about or needing to provide care for your stepchild (something that is difficult by any measure). Keep quiet, let your DH take the lead, and don’t be there if you don’t want to be but don’t stand in the way of your DH’s dd building a relationship with her family (including her half-siblings).

SunshineCake · 25/09/2019 15:32

The priority should be a DNA test for the sake of the child. She deserves to know for sure who her father is and it can't be just assumed on the basis of this woman saying so.

Novembersbean · 25/09/2019 15:38

He should definitely get a DNA test, but besides that I really feel for you in this situation, I would feel sick too. Being a step parent is really hard even if you go into it knowingly and isn't what a lot of people would choose for themselves, it must be really tough having it sprung on you at this point in your relationship.

Drabarni · 25/09/2019 15:38

Yes, he should ask for a DNA test, but please be aware of the royal "we". This is his business and unfortunately nothing really to do with you.
It seems like he may have his daughter after all, why does this concern you?

ChuckleBuckles · 25/09/2019 15:44

It seems like he may have his daughter after all, why does this concern you?

Because the life of OP and her DC are about to be changed in a major way? I think she is allowed to be shocked and concerned about this and it very much does involved the OP, or will she just be expected to not mention another child about the house having visitation time? Are OP and her kids expected to ignore this child or pretend that she has been present in all their lives all along and nothing has changed?

OP do you have someone to talk to IRL about this, a trusted friend or family member maybe a counsellor to help navigate this change?

Iloveacurry · 25/09/2019 15:46

Yes I would want a DNA test too. She wasn’t really a secret if your DH didn’t know.

And your MIL ... well she doesn’t sound very nice at all. One of each?! It doesn’t really work like that.

LolaSmiles · 25/09/2019 15:47

This is his business and unfortunately nothing really to do with you.
It seems like he may have his daughter after all, why does this concern you?
The poor OP is about to have her life potentially changed in a huge way. Surely it's obvious why she's going to be bothered.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/09/2019 15:49

Of course it concerns the OP. One minute you have a happy family and good marriage and then an ex turns up with an unwanted child, I think most people would be affected by that.

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2019 15:49

I think asking for a dna test is prudent, but as he seems to know her and believe her I suspect the result is a foregone conclusion.

I would say though, it's right he then develops a relationship with his child. As a pp said. This is about her. I'd certainly encoourage my husband to welcome her and I wouldn't wish to be with someone who denied their own child.

ChuckleBuckles · 25/09/2019 15:50

Surely it's obvious why she's going to be bothered

OP has already been assigned "Stepmum" status and should just shut up and put up it seems.

BogglesGoggles · 25/09/2019 15:53

What a complete nightmare. I would suggest that as the relationship was so casual he has no way of knowing that he was the father even if the timing is right and that he should have a DNA test before meeting her to avoid hurt feelings. I would also suggest he has some counselling before meeting the girl in case she isn’t what he expected or she doesn’t take to him and they don’t end up having a relationship in the end.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/09/2019 15:56

and if the little girl is his then he needs to step up and sort out some maintenance for the mother

That's a kind of angry, pro the mother post, which is a bit off imo considering how shitty the mother has behaved. She's robbed 12 years from both her child and her childs father, nothing can ever bring that back, how cruel