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Original poster

Husband has ‘secret’ child

105 replies

Hesthedad · 25/09/2019 14:53

A woman has contacted my husband on FB to say that he is the father of her 12 year old. She admits that she wanted a child but not a partner so she didn’t tell him when she was pregnant but now the daughter wants to get to know her father.
My husband seems to just believe her - I feel we should ask for a DNA test but he seems convinced.
We have been together for ten years, married for eight and have two children. He wants to meet the girl but the whole situation just makes me feel sick. It’s all so out of the blue.

OP posts:
OneForMeToo · 25/09/2019 20:19

I said although it wasn’t known it would feel like it was built on a lie. Everything you had thought you knew wasn’t right Anymore regardless of why it does change everything.

AMAM8916 · 25/09/2019 20:26

None of the OP's business? 🤔. Oh I know, she's only his wife and the mother to their two children who suddenly now have an older sister but yeah, totally none of her business at all...

I can't believe someone actually wrote out the words 'none of your business' and posted it

AutumnFabreeze · 25/09/2019 20:31

Love the idea of this beautiful utopia where everyone is happy and grateful that this has happened.

Personally I would be massively pissed off about this and I don't know if I would be able to deal with it. There are not 2 of you now, there are 3. You, DH and his Ex. She will be calling the shots of getting maintenance and when he can see her. You won't be able to plan Christmas, birthdays or holidays now without putting her needs first to make sure she is fully included.

I wouldn't be able to handle that or be willing to bend my own family out of shape to do that. But then I never was good at sharing.

CrazyToast · 25/09/2019 20:52

Of course YANBU to be shocked and worried about the change. What a bombshell! Your DP is B very U if he doesnt insist on a DNA test, for everyone's sake, the wee girl's too. Heartbreaking if everyone assumes they are related then it turns out later they aren't. It is just the sensible and responsible thing to do, and definitely what a parent should do to protect a child. If she is his DD, then it could be a lovely and positive thing for you all, pending a likely adjustment period while you get to know each other etc.

washyourface · 25/09/2019 21:31

Why on earth would you think DH's relationship with his youngest son would be at risk with this?
Has he given you signs before that he's not loving toward him??

Mystraightenersarebroken · 25/09/2019 22:56

@OneForMeToo I wouldn’t of married and had children with my dh, had he already had a child I'm sure hearing that would make your 'D'H feel really loved Hmm

OneForMeToo · 25/09/2019 23:09

He knows how I feel it would of been a deal breaker for both of us if either had children already.

Mystraightenersarebroken · 25/09/2019 23:19

That's one of the oddest things I've ever heard OneForMeToo. You'd better hope your marriage never ends.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/09/2019 07:12

I wouldn't have married my DH if he already had kids either. Plenty of women don't consider partners that already have kids. Nothing odd about it.

I'd also be pretty gutted if all of a sudden my DD had to share her daddy with another family unit.

OneForMeToo · 26/09/2019 07:53

Even if my marriage ends I’ve got no want to play mummy to someone else’s child. I’d rather be single, I don’t really like other people’s children let alone want to help raise them.

Blueoasis · 26/09/2019 11:26

I can see why OneForMeToo thinks that. Not everyone is interested in being involved with someone else's children. Why would I want to bring up someone else's? Which you have to accept if you want to be with someone who has them. You can't just ignore them can you? That's cruel. So any men with kids are a no to me.

This mother seems a bit of a crap mother for doing this to her child. She's the only one in the wrong here. Get a dna test, he probably isn't the dad, she may just hope it's him.

perfectstorm · 26/09/2019 14:51

Personally I would be massively pissed off about this and I don't know if I would be able to deal with it. There are not 2 of you now, there are 3. You, DH and his Ex. She will be calling the shots of getting maintenance and when he can see her. You won't be able to plan Christmas, birthdays or holidays now without putting her needs first to make sure she is fully included.

@AutumnFabreeze the mother's apparently not interested in money, and I doubt very much she wants to lose her Christmas and other special days with her child, either. It sounds far more as if the child wants to get to know her father a little, that's all. You're assuming an awful lot about what this 12 year old wants, and it's diametrically opposite to everything that we know about the mother, to assume that she wants that level of involvement with her child. And the girl is 12 already - the days when parents have to mediate contact are decidedly limited!

How about the OP takes it one step at a time, and sees how things pan out?

OP - you may like her. She may be a nice girl, and she may adore your sons, which is surely a swift route to your own heart! She may of course be a little madam and a menace, I'm not going to be sentimental about it, but... if she reminds you of your own kids, which if she's got the same father she may, then you may find it easier than you think to like her. And she may be anxious for you to do so, too. Just give her, and the situation, a chance. Let it settle. Don't jump to dire conclusions all at once.

I do sympathise, honestly. I'd be weirded out as well if an ex of my husband's suddenly got in touch with this news, and I'd also feel a bit threatened. But it is what it is, and for all you know, your sons have just acquired an older sister who will love them for life. It might not be bad. Just give the girl a chance.

Izzybellissi · 10/03/2020 12:02

If the child maintenance and enforcement team get in contact they backdate the payments from birth. This happened to my husband.

antisupermum · 10/03/2020 13:47

ZOMBIE THREAD

SuperMeerkat · 10/03/2020 18:09

How annoying, I invested a whole 10 minutes skim reading to the end dying to know the outcome 🤬🤬 I wonder if the @Hesthedad will ever come back. I’m thinking probably not 😂😂

Jkl37 · 29/04/2020 05:23

Hi. Just wondering how this situation is panning our for you. I’m in the same boat as of today. DH told me he’d fathered a child before we met but now that she’s made contact years later it’s been quite a shock.

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 29/04/2020 05:33

@Hesthedad what did happen?

Inkpaperstars · 29/04/2020 06:02

I can see why you feel shocked and upset OP, but I don't think you have any choice but to try and support your husband and if it turns out to be his child, the daughter too.

Your DH must insist on a DNA test though, for all of your sakes. I know of situations where someone has been pregnant after sleeping with more than one man but had one of them she 'wanted' to be the father. Reluctant to do DNA in case it turned out to be the other man, which it did. Your DH, you and your sons, and this young girl all deserve to know the truth before becoming emotionally involved. Obviously the mother has been secretive so I don't think she could reasonably be offended at being asked, and take control of the tests/provider etc at your end.

Inkpaperstars · 29/04/2020 06:02

Argh, old thread

snappychat · 29/04/2020 06:18

Damn so annoying, just done the same, read right through then realised old thread and no outcome Angry

JacobReesMogadishu · 29/04/2020 06:29

Of course it’s the OPs business.

There’s suddenly a strange 12yo who may in the not too distant future be living in the OPs house every other weekend. I’d say it’s 100% her business. What if there isn’t a spare bedroom for this girl? What if OP needs to buy a bigger car?

That’s just the practical stuff, never mind the emotional stuff.

JacobReesMogadishu · 29/04/2020 06:30

Gah, zombie thread.

EdwinaMay · 29/04/2020 06:33

Maybe we should resurrect more old threads - at least it doesn't involve Covid19 Grin secretly hoping OP comes back with a follow up

TitianaTitsling · 29/04/2020 06:37

Another gah! Thought was the conclusion!

SnuggyBuggy · 29/04/2020 06:41

Also annoyed as was hoping for a follow up

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