Husband has ‘secret’ child

[Hesthedad]

A woman has contacted my husband on FB to say that he is the father of her 12 year old. She admits that she wanted a child but not a partner so she didn’t tell him when she was pregnant but now the daughter wants to get to know her father.
My husband seems to just believe her - I feel we should ask for a DNA test but he seems convinced.
We have been together for ten years, married for eight and have two children. He wants to meet the girl but the whole situation just makes me feel sick. It’s all so out of the blue.

Are OP and her kids expected to ignore this child or pretend that she has been present in all their lives all along and nothing has changed?

Her sons' should have a relationship with their half-sister particularly if she ends up having a relationship with her father.

It's shit for the OP as she's the only one in her immediate family who if she has a relationship with the girl, it will never be recognised legally.

OP please try to remember it isn't your husband and the girl's fault what has happened.

It all seems so logical to me. Twelve is the age when my dd started to take an intense interest in her father. (Not the same as she knew him though she didn't like him)

Why would a woman like that tell her daughter a lie?

I do think though, OP, you might benefit from a couple of counselling sessions, as this has hit you so hard. I personally cannot imagine your husband feeling less affection for his youngest child just because an older child has turned up, but you have your reasons.

That's a kind of angry, pro the mother post, which is a bit off imo considering how shitty the mother has behaved. She's robbed 12 years from both her child and her childs father, nothing can ever bring that back, how cruel

I see the posters point though. Because two wrongs don't make a right, and the mother behaving badly doesn't mean the father now gets to treat the girl badly too. In fact it's rather shit to suggest otherwise.

I do think you need to get your DH to understand how much this will turn your lives upside down, so that proof in the form of a DNA test is really a necessary precaution before allowing this to dramatically change your lives. For the sakes of all of the children involved, as well as the adults.

I think this situation needs to be very carefully managed for all your sakes, you, your husband, your children plus the new child and her mother. And slowly so that you can get used to the idea as it's bringing up all sorts of emotions and anxieties for you.

Can you get some outside help? Some form of family counselling? It's quite a lot for you to handle, understandably, and could be quite traumatic for the children involved.

This little girl’s mother kept her dd and dds father apart. Regardless of whether or not your dh is the father, her behaviour is despicable. I also think your husband chose to have sex with her and the moment he decided not to take responsibility for contraception, he took the risk of creating a child.

I hope everything turns out ok for you. It must really be rocking your world. I agree dna test is a big priority. Everyone needs to know the truth.

It’s a big disruption to your life. Not at all surprising if it has you reeling a bit. But it’s not a disaster, just a big change. DNA test should be one of the very first things. Something done before it’s mentioned to anyone else (especially your children). If confirmed then try to accept with grace and see it as a potential boon for your children - having a wider family etc. but what will happen is very up in the air - wanting to know more about your father as a 12 yr old is very different from wanting a relationship with him or with step-brothers. Family counseling may be a good idea.

The op's husband is an adult. In sure he can sort out a DNA if he wants to without any guidance.

Yes, your life will change, op. That's a given if the young girl wants to remain in the life of her father and half siblings. I'm not sure why you feel sick though. There are far worse things that could happen in life.

I see the posters point though. Because two wrongs don't make a right, and the mother behaving badly doesn't mean the father now gets to treat the girl badly too. In fact it's rather shit to suggest otherwise.

I wasn't suggesting anyone treat the girl badly?

You need to park your gender issue op.

I think you stand to lose the most if you make a big issue of this.

A DNA test is the first thing that should be done and then take things from there. Don't tell the other kids until it's confirmed that she is their half sister. No sense building their hopes up/or upsetting them needlessly. I wouldn't be telling any other family members until it is confirmed either. Your Dh needs to take a sensible approach and not simply believe the child is his just because he'd be happy to have a daughter.

I’m echoing all the others saying that a DNA test should be done first and foremost, purely because it would be very upsetting for the young girl if she found out he wasn’t her dad after they met.

It must be such a shock OP, I feel for you all. How does your DH feel about it all? I’d be feeling very cheating if I were him

Those ancestory DNA tests can prove helpful for that sort of thing and might also be helpful because if he is not the father the girl might find some connections on who she might be related to.
I think as well you are assuming a lot - yes he might have wanted a girl but trust me...teens girls are lovely but with all those hormones they are not so sugar and spice anymore and he might get a shock!
I think its really out of your control and you have a choice to either be supportive or difficult. I think it would strengthen your marriage more if you are supportive.

DNA test then if he is indeed the father he should be a father to her and seek mediation with his ex to agree how they will co parent.

And pay maintenance from such time as the DNA test results arrive - his ex’s wealth is irrelevant, he should provide financially for ALL his DC.

You can seek support for the impact on you personally and, with your H, help your DC adjust.

@Teddybear45

"Sorry to be blunt but this isn’t about you or your feelings. This is about a girl, your DH’s daughter, who wants to get to know her dad. If your DH isn’t disputing this and wants to get to know her then you shouldn’t be putting your children in front of that decision as roadblocks."
You cannot just assume the girl is the OP's daughter just because he had sex with the girl's mother. She may have had sex with any number of men. It is ridiculous for him to just assume he's the father.

If I was the child I would also want to know the OP's husband was definitely my father. The truth should be determined for the sake of everyone before relationships are established.

OP, you are correct in that, if she is your DH's daughter, it is going to affect the family dynamics. All you can do is be welcoming. Your children will be affected by this too and it will be a shock to them to have to share their father with another child. Careful handling and patience is called for.
I'm sorry you are in this unusual and difficult situation.

I’ve been with my dh for 10 years and this would rip us apart. I’d try and support him but I’d feel like our whole relationship was based on false foundations. If my feelings weren’t taken into consideration by my dh I’d end it.

First of all, your husband needs to respect that this doesn’t just affect him and he needs to get a DNA test before believing this women.
He then needs to think carefully about how to deal with this, and how it will affect everyone in his life.

take care op- can’t even imagine.

Only an idiot would ignore the importance of getting a DNA test. So please OP, insist your DH gets one and take things from there.

Wow what a shock for you all! I agree that a DNA test is sensible, you would hope that the mother would understand why he wanted one. To the poster who said about backdated maintenance, LOL. He hasn't dodged paying it, the mother didn't tell him about his daughter; so so cruel and I wouldn't give a penny of backdated of maintenance, disgusting. Must be hard for you as well OP, hope you're okay.

Fucking hell, your poor husband. 😳

I agree tho, I'd want to be sure as well.

He definitely need a DNA test to prove paternity. Then you can all move on from there. I would caution him to take things slowly if he is her father. It will be overwhelming for all involved.

You must get a DNA test, for everyones sake.

If this happened to us, our two children would be very upset.

OP

Isn’t there a case for the woman tricking your Dh? She has said she wanted a baby and stopped seeing him quickly - basically used him, without his knowledge, as a sperm donor. There was a man recently who was taken to court as he got a woman pregnant and had been saying he wasn’t fertile (so he didn’t have to use contraception). Surely this has similarities? If it gets messy around maintenance it might be worth making sure her intentions at the time are now in writing.

Sorry you are going through this Op. I would get a DNA test first if positive, I would support DH with how he want to get to know the child. Unless he knew, he will be in as much shock as you and probably will want to take things slowly for the sake of all involved.

Absolutely do a DNA. There are legal ramifications.

Other than that it’s would seem to be a better situation than first appears. The mother isn’t concerned about money or having a relationship with your husband.
Be honest about what is going on and not worry too much about what may or not happen in the future. You have no way of knowing how people will react including your children. Don’t treat it like a dirty secret, it is what it is.