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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you respond to this

86 replies

DamnaThatOnesTaken · 24/09/2019 11:37

Hello.

Argument with my husband. He thinks I'm being dramatic by being upset. I am so upset I'm contemplating leaving but I haven't told him this yet.

For context toddler is present the entire time. I walk into the bedroom and saying morning just about to go collect the shopping (this is the first thing I have said to him today). He says oh so we're not having sex then. I say what with toddler (I say his name not toddler) awake? He says yes put him in his room and put the gate on he can bounce on the bed. I say I can't do that he will want to come out or need me for something. He's 22 months old. He says but he always bounces on the bed whilst you do things like put the washing away. I say this takes a few minutes and he can come out when he wants and I can go in and check on him. He says oh so putting the washing away is more important than having sex. I say no but you can't compare the two. He says shut the f up. I say don't swear in front of toddler. He says shut the f up again. I say stop swearing in front of toddler! He then picks up the pillow he was laying at and throws it at me with force. His aim was pretty bad and it would have hit toddler in the face if I didn't manage to intercept it. Yes only a pillow but a very hard throw and short distance. I say that almost hit toddler! And he shouts I was aiming for you it wasn't going to hit him. At this point I remove toddler from room. I deeply regret not doing this sooner but I wasn't expecting it to escalate like this.

He has shouted and sworn in front of toddler before. I have gotten upset but forgiven. Now I feel I've forgiven and it's escalated to something more physical if I forgive this surely it will escalate again.

I don't want to leave him. But I don't want my toddler to ever witness something like that again. For context he works full time and I am a SAHM. When home he is either asleep or on pc and it's a miracle if he interacts with toddler for more than 10 minutes. He once asked me to get out of the bath to change toddlers nappy (which he ended up changing but not before telling me he hated me for making him do it). The only thing making me consider staying is that my toddler does adore him as when they do play together it is great. And we also have happy moments. Would this incident make you overlook the happy the moments and leave? How would you respond? He's currently at the gym and I'm not sure if he's returning before going to work.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 24/09/2019 11:41

He sounds like a knob
I bet this isn't the only time he's been one either
I would consider leaving him, he can be great with the toddler when he has him, doesn't mean he's a great husband

whocanbebothered · 24/09/2019 11:44

LTB, quite simply. A decent dad doth not make a good husband.

And I would argue all day about him being a good dad after that example of his behaviour....

7Worfs · 24/09/2019 11:49

Jesus... this is a dysfunctional relationship that is slowly but surely going to damage you and your child if you don’t leave.
Hating you because he has to change a nappy! Immature, lazy, disrespectful cunt he is.

MashedSpud · 24/09/2019 11:50

Wow, not only is he a knob he’s swearing and throwing things his idea of foreplay is bartering about washing. Sounds like a gem...

Mabelface · 24/09/2019 11:51

Yup, he's a nasty cunt.

7Worfs · 24/09/2019 11:52

Also the near miss with the pillow is a huge deal breaker. I wouldn’t tolerate even near misses that could hurt DC. The fowl language in front of toddler makes me sick too

7Worfs · 24/09/2019 11:54

*Foul, not fowl 🐓 ofc

SunshineAngel · 24/09/2019 11:56

Obviously you've only given us a hint of what things are like for you, but honestly, if this is representative of what he's usually like.. get rid.

Drum2018 · 24/09/2019 11:58

it's a miracle if he interacts with toddler for more than 10 minutes

The only thing making me consider staying is that my toddler does adore him as when they do play together it is great. And we also have happy moments

How does your toddler get a chance to adore him if he hardly interacts with him? I wouldn't be staying with him for the sake of your child. That's never a good idea as you will lead a miserable life, your child will grow up with little respect for you and think that he can treat women like shit.

Are the happy moments few and far between or do they outweigh the abusive moments? Does he often hassle you for sex? He sounds like a prize prick and I'd be thinking seriously about a future with him.

ISmellBabies · 24/09/2019 12:02

He's a terrible husband and a totally useless dad. Of course I'd leave, what the fuck is there to stay for?! So he might interact with his own dc for 10 minutes every week or two, big whoop, that's not parenting. Leave, you deserve better. He's already shown he'll only step up and parent if and when you doing it instead isn't an option. Lazy deadbeat.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/09/2019 12:03

When your DC is older and realises dad is not interested in him and is not willing to do the basics to make sure DC is cared for DC will not adore him

I would respond by making a plan to leave. Start gathering documents. Work out your financial position. Can you stash a bit of cash? See a solicitor. Anticipate that he will fight dirty eg say he will go for custody. Gather support around you.

Wishing you well

timeisnotaline · 24/09/2019 12:10

How is 10 minutes a week of fun play a great dad? My kids have uncles who live on the other side of the world who give them more one on one attention average over a year than your kid gets from his dad.

It wasn’t even a moment of awareness for him that he threw something at his toddler and it would have hit him if you hadn’t caught it. If that isn’t then where’s the hope?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/09/2019 12:14

Your toddler could spend quality time with his Dad without you being in a relationship!

I also can't get over he was completely ok with you getting out the bath to change a nappy Shock

Sunshineandflipflops · 24/09/2019 12:16

Interacting with his child for 10 mins every now and again isn't being a good dad.

Throwing things at his mother and being verbally abusive to her isn't being a good dad.

Thinking it's ok to basically lock his child in his room so that he can get his end away isn't being a good dad.

Maybe if he has to step up and actually parent if you leave him when he has his child might make him realise what being a dad is.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2019 12:19

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
What sort of example did your parents show you, did you dad treat your mum similarly?.

Is this all you think you deserve, is your self worth that low?. Do not further grow flowers in the hole he has dug for you.

You wrote that you do not want to leave him. Why did you write that and what are your reasons behind that?. Staying for your toddler is no reason whatsoever to stay with such a man, a man also who barely spends any real amount of time with his child and one too who abuses you as this child's mother.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and just what is this person learning here from you two?. You cannot fully protect your child from what he/she is seeing and has already seen here at home particularly as you are all currently under the same roof. I would think also that your child is now starting to mirror your reactions and becomes super compliant and hypervigilant when dad is around. Your husband is no H to you nor parent to his child.

Make plans to leave; start talking to the likes of Womens Aid and the Rights of Women about establishing a new and importantly an abuse free life for yourself and your child. He won't make it at all easy for you to leave and will probably threaten full custody to boot (that would be said as a way of further getting back at you). No obstacle to leaving though is insurmountable.

A good dad does not abuse the mother of his child and this abuse of you (and in turn your child) has escalated over time. Fear of him and fear of the unknown are perhaps playing parts here too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2019 12:21

(missed a bit out here)

A good dad does not abuse the mother of his child and this abuse of you (and in turn your child) has escalated over time. Fear of him and fear of the unknown are perhaps playing parts here too in why you have stayed to date.

CalmFizz · 24/09/2019 12:23

He sounds like an absolute pig op, really unpleasant.

ISawyouinTescoyesterday · 24/09/2019 12:28

Sorry but I wouldn't feel safe with him after that. You need to leave.

GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 12:29

He sounds like an absolute c*nt, sorry.

A few mins playing with a toddler now and then is easy to do.

If look into.everything you're entitled to and make plans to go. Have everything lined up.

GilbertMarkham · 24/09/2019 12:29

*I'd

byefeliciabye · 24/09/2019 12:32

Please leave this man. He's abusive. And it seems sexual coercion is something he doesn't have a problem doing. For the sake and safety of you and your child, please LTB.

olivetreelane · 24/09/2019 12:34

Wow, what an abusive prick! What a way to talk and treat you because you wouldn't have sex with him!

Op, do you honestly think staying will benefit your toddler, the one he barely interacts with?

LTB

EKGEMS · 24/09/2019 12:37

How would I react? I'd be at a divorce attorney's office this morning and I'd take that bastard to the cleaners for child support and alimony

missbattenburg · 24/09/2019 12:38

What happy moments? How on earth can there be happy moments with a man who behaves like this towards you?

For your sake and for your child's, value yourself much, much more than this.

I don't care how nicely this massive manchild plays with his kid, he is still a Class A Cunt.

Stay with him and you waste your life and ruin your child's childhood. Leave and build a happier, healthier life for you both.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 24/09/2019 12:39

I'm a police officer working in safeguarding (domestic abuse).

Please leave this abusive man.

  1. He expects sex from you, whether you want it or not.
  2. He got so cross with you he THREW something at you.
  3. He threw it at you with your son present.
  4. The thing he threw could have hit your son.
  5. He didn't apologise for losing his temper, he shouted at you more.
  6. He swore repeatedly at you, in front of your son.

He will escalate this behaviour.
Your son is being exposed to verbal and physical abuse of you, and your partner's abuse is so reckless that it could physically harm your son.
Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is normal, and acceptable?

Please report this to police, if you do eventually leave him it will be useful to have a log of similar incidents to show he's abusive.
Speak to women's aid.

Do not let him give a half hearted apology and minimise his behaviour.

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