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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you respond to this

86 replies

DamnaThatOnesTaken · 24/09/2019 11:37

Hello.

Argument with my husband. He thinks I'm being dramatic by being upset. I am so upset I'm contemplating leaving but I haven't told him this yet.

For context toddler is present the entire time. I walk into the bedroom and saying morning just about to go collect the shopping (this is the first thing I have said to him today). He says oh so we're not having sex then. I say what with toddler (I say his name not toddler) awake? He says yes put him in his room and put the gate on he can bounce on the bed. I say I can't do that he will want to come out or need me for something. He's 22 months old. He says but he always bounces on the bed whilst you do things like put the washing away. I say this takes a few minutes and he can come out when he wants and I can go in and check on him. He says oh so putting the washing away is more important than having sex. I say no but you can't compare the two. He says shut the f up. I say don't swear in front of toddler. He says shut the f up again. I say stop swearing in front of toddler! He then picks up the pillow he was laying at and throws it at me with force. His aim was pretty bad and it would have hit toddler in the face if I didn't manage to intercept it. Yes only a pillow but a very hard throw and short distance. I say that almost hit toddler! And he shouts I was aiming for you it wasn't going to hit him. At this point I remove toddler from room. I deeply regret not doing this sooner but I wasn't expecting it to escalate like this.

He has shouted and sworn in front of toddler before. I have gotten upset but forgiven. Now I feel I've forgiven and it's escalated to something more physical if I forgive this surely it will escalate again.

I don't want to leave him. But I don't want my toddler to ever witness something like that again. For context he works full time and I am a SAHM. When home he is either asleep or on pc and it's a miracle if he interacts with toddler for more than 10 minutes. He once asked me to get out of the bath to change toddlers nappy (which he ended up changing but not before telling me he hated me for making him do it). The only thing making me consider staying is that my toddler does adore him as when they do play together it is great. And we also have happy moments. Would this incident make you overlook the happy the moments and leave? How would you respond? He's currently at the gym and I'm not sure if he's returning before going to work.

OP posts:
Whenthereslovethereshope · 24/09/2019 20:04

I wish you all the strength and luck @DamnaThatOnesTaken. Hopefully things will work out for you. Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2019 20:06

If you feel unsafe at any point do call the police and have no compunction about doing so.

The man you fell in love with was an act, and one designed to draw you in. He gave you the usual abusers 101 answer I.e you made him do it which is utter rubbish. You are not responsible for him or his actions. He does not want help or your support because he feels entitled to act like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2019 20:09

Wherethereslovethereshope

You originally wrote have you tried marriage counselling and that is purely and simply why I wrote my response to you. Do you really think that ops husband would at all be open to such a thing?. OP is not at fault here, this is not a marriage counselling issue because that also implies that she is at fault too.

Drum2018 · 24/09/2019 20:20

For the love of God don't get pregnant. Get to your gp and get contraception sorted asap (the injection lasts about 3 months) and maybe tell your gp what's been going on - again it will then be on record. Is there nobody you can turn to now for help - family member, friend? Could you leave and stay with parents/sibling?

BusyDoingNothingx · 24/09/2019 20:23

This is disgusting behaviour OP. Glad you're trying to seek the right help for you and your LO.
He's a vile pig. Not all men would go out and cheat at all, boys maybe but not real men!
It's okay him saying it's just a pillow but as he threw it with such force if it hit your toddler it could have sent him flying and who knows what he could have hit his head on!

timeisnotaline · 24/09/2019 21:26

Oh Damna, please wake up every morning and make progrsss towards leaving. Please dont wait until you come back saying he punched me in the face and says it’s my fault for making him angry and my toddler saw it all.

Minionmomma · 25/09/2019 04:40

Omg I hate him. You have every right to feel angry. You and your little one deserve better.

AgathaF · 25/09/2019 07:05

I should be grateful he chose a pillow - this really sums up the control aspect of his abusive nature. He chose a pillow. His choice. A normal and decent man would have chosen to not throw anything, indeed it wouldn't occur to them to throw anything at their partner and child. He didn't. Be aware that another time he could choose to throw something more damaging, or use his fist.

Please take steps to separate. Keep trying with women's aid. He's not safe for you or your child to be around.

Thatnovembernight · 25/09/2019 07:16

Sounds like my exh. He did not change despite many promises and several ‘goes’ at counselling. Things only got worse. Sorry for what you are going through. Get as much help as you can.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/09/2019 10:04

Are you trying the national Womens Aid number?
If so then google your local number and try that as well.
You can also send them an email and they will get back to you.
It is abuse OP.
It is BAD!
But deep down you actually know this.
You are just still in the 'justifying' stage of the abuse.
Keep going OP.
You will get there!

finn1020 · 25/09/2019 10:13

He’s horrible and this behaviour will escalate.

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