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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you respond to this

86 replies

DamnaThatOnesTaken · 24/09/2019 11:37

Hello.

Argument with my husband. He thinks I'm being dramatic by being upset. I am so upset I'm contemplating leaving but I haven't told him this yet.

For context toddler is present the entire time. I walk into the bedroom and saying morning just about to go collect the shopping (this is the first thing I have said to him today). He says oh so we're not having sex then. I say what with toddler (I say his name not toddler) awake? He says yes put him in his room and put the gate on he can bounce on the bed. I say I can't do that he will want to come out or need me for something. He's 22 months old. He says but he always bounces on the bed whilst you do things like put the washing away. I say this takes a few minutes and he can come out when he wants and I can go in and check on him. He says oh so putting the washing away is more important than having sex. I say no but you can't compare the two. He says shut the f up. I say don't swear in front of toddler. He says shut the f up again. I say stop swearing in front of toddler! He then picks up the pillow he was laying at and throws it at me with force. His aim was pretty bad and it would have hit toddler in the face if I didn't manage to intercept it. Yes only a pillow but a very hard throw and short distance. I say that almost hit toddler! And he shouts I was aiming for you it wasn't going to hit him. At this point I remove toddler from room. I deeply regret not doing this sooner but I wasn't expecting it to escalate like this.

He has shouted and sworn in front of toddler before. I have gotten upset but forgiven. Now I feel I've forgiven and it's escalated to something more physical if I forgive this surely it will escalate again.

I don't want to leave him. But I don't want my toddler to ever witness something like that again. For context he works full time and I am a SAHM. When home he is either asleep or on pc and it's a miracle if he interacts with toddler for more than 10 minutes. He once asked me to get out of the bath to change toddlers nappy (which he ended up changing but not before telling me he hated me for making him do it). The only thing making me consider staying is that my toddler does adore him as when they do play together it is great. And we also have happy moments. Would this incident make you overlook the happy the moments and leave? How would you respond? He's currently at the gym and I'm not sure if he's returning before going to work.

OP posts:
greenlynx · 24/09/2019 12:48

It’s awful! I don’t think I would be able to overlook something like this. I know from experience that first years of parenthood could be very difficult and demanding but the situations you described.... just too much.
And so sex with him is basically like putting washing away - quick to and from. It sounds so gross and disrespectful. I’m so sorry for you. What if next time he would put your DC somewhere and would physically insist on having sex? or throw something bigger?

Levithecat · 24/09/2019 12:48

Great advice, DontBuy.

Damna, do you have somewhere you could go, or would he leave the house do you think? Can you get your ducks in order to be able to separate as safely and easily as possible? You can get some advice from Women’s Aid or Refuge, 0808 2000 247

DamnaThatOnesTaken · 24/09/2019 14:02

Thank you everyone for your responses. I have read them carefully. We tried to talk about it. He threatened to punch me in the face and told me I should be happy he chose a pillow and not something worse. I'm currently sat in the park with my toddler sleeping in the pushchair. He slept through that argument thank god. Waiting for husband to leave for work before I go back but I feel a bit lost tbh.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2019 14:11

How can you be helped feeling a bit less lost than you already are?.
You are not at home currently and that place is no sanctuary for you or your son, is there a friend or relative you could both stay with now?.

I feel it is only a matter of time now before he does punch you in the face actually; he has already escalated to throwing items (and that too is a further example of domestic violence).

There is no further talking or discussion with someone like this; you cannot at all reason with unreasonable. Would you be prepared to make calls to the likes of Womens Aid today?

socialistmamma · 24/09/2019 14:12

Go back, pack your bags and leave. You don't have to put up with this, you really don't. Do you have somewhere you can go?

Bunnylady53 · 24/09/2019 14:12

So sorry you are in this situation OP. Sending hugs & 💐You & your toddler deserve so much better! Start making plans for a life without someone who threatens you, swears at you & clearly only cares about himself. Do you have any family nearby that can support you? I really hope that you can get out quickly & enjoy a much better life

Themyscira · 24/09/2019 14:19

Ring women's aid if you can. He sounds very dangerous. Stay safe op.

BrightonRox · 24/09/2019 14:23

I'd respond by showing him the door.

justthecat · 24/09/2019 14:24

So if he hospitalised you, how would you feel him looking after your dc whist you can’t ?
Use that thought to make you realise you need to end the relationship 💐

PicsInRed · 24/09/2019 14:26

Sex under threat of violence is rape.

DamnaThatOnesTaken · 24/09/2019 14:41

I am back at the house and he is at work. I'm going to call womens aid when my toddler is asleep as my husband works until late. I am so upset. I know I sound completely ridiculous in what I'm about to say but I don't want to hurt him (husband). I care about him so much. We have been together for 6 years and I know that's not incredibly long but I'm 26 so really we have grown up together. And he has a good side. But I think he has anger issues. I am feeling so guilty that I might be about to tear up this family. I have forgiven things before like swearing and name calling in front of toddler because honestly it feels too hard to leave him and I know that's pathetic but I love him. I'm in tears writing this. I just wish he didn't do this so everything could be OK.

OP posts:
Themyscira · 24/09/2019 14:44

I know, op. This is hard. It's really, really hard. But you are right to say he has done this. Him. You just loved him, but he has abused you and your child. You deserve better. You do.

And you can't fix him. You can't.

Flowers

Dig deep, OP. You can do this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2019 15:09

Damna

You have not really grown up together. I do wonder if you met this man when you were in a not so good place yourself emotionally speaking.

Abusive people are not nasty all the time; if they were then no-one would want to be with them. This man likely also showed you his true nature fully when you got married and/or became pregnant. Both are well known precursors for domestic violence. He may well now apologise or buy you flowers; both are empty gestures and are also part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your mother treated like this?.

He has problems with anger but not in the ways you think he does. He has a problem with anger, your anger when you rightly call him out on his abusive behaviours.

He has torn apart this family unit by his actions, none of this is your fault in any way. You did not cause him to do this to you. I also think that you are confusing love here with codependency (read about codependent relationships) but you cannot and must not put his needs here ahead of yours.

No obstacle to leaving is insurmountable.

DamnaThatOnesTaken · 24/09/2019 15:09

I am just looking around thinking I love my house I love my neighbourhood. I can't afford this by myself. I know there is a job offer on the cards as I have turned it down to be a SAHM and I'm pretty sure they are still looking. And I could afford to rent somewhere close by that workplace so I don't have to worry about needing a car as I'm a pretty positive my husband would fight for that. A part of me just wants to ignore it and continue living happily but I know that is so stupid of me to say! And so selfish towards my son. I am so torn and heartbroken. I really love my husband but nothing will change. He is still to this minute telling me to get over it saying toddler will see worse in school. He still stands by that he didn't do anything wrong and I think that makes it so much worse. He says I am emotionally blackmailing him by threatening to leave. I have not specified I will leave but I said I cannot risk toddler seeing this again so I guess he put 2 and 2 together.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2019 15:10

He has shown no compunction either in hurting you and in turn his son. You do not owe him anything, let alone a relationship now. He has caused this to end by his actions towards you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2019 15:15

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

You are married and have legally enshrined rights in law. Your house is not a sanctuary for either you or your son. Your son has a right to live his life without him seeing his dad abuse his mum (and no he will not see worse in school either).

Where is your real life support OP?. Please be very careful re him going forward; you need to plan your exit from your abuser with due diligence and care. You and your son need to be safe and ultimately away from this man, that is the number 1 priority here. Abusive people never admit wrongdoing and in turn blame their chosen target. You did not cause this to happen to you and you are not emotionally blackmailing him either.

Themyscira · 24/09/2019 15:21

My ex blamed our lack of sex life on his violence towards me - that he lost his temper because he felt unloved. He's not unique in his "logic". Never occurred to him that I didn't want to have sex with someone who denigrated and abused me.

You can rebuild. You can find new happiness - one that isn't tinged with fear and sadness. You can do it.

EKGEMS · 24/09/2019 15:23

Your husband is a VERY dangerous man. He is willing to abuse you in front of your child and therefore he is abusing him by default. You need to really inquire about that job and make an appointment with a solicitor. You need to fully realize no matter how much you love your home,neighborhood and current life that you risk great bodily harm from your husband

TheGoddessFrigg · 24/09/2019 15:30

Your toddler will NEVER see anything worse than his father abusing his mother. This is supposed to be the place where every child feels safe - home.

Idontwanttotalk · 24/09/2019 15:34

I wouldn't dream of staying with him and I would not stay with a man who swore so badly and angrily in front of a toddler. Your DS will be soaking up words and behaviours from his environment. Would you really want him to grow up thinking this type of behaviour is acceptable?

He spends very little time with your DS so your DS will not miss that good 10 minutes.

"How would you respond?"
I'd kick him into touch and never take a backward glance.

DamnaThatOnesTaken · 24/09/2019 15:37

I know you are alright. I feel very strong when I come back and read the comments. When I come off I just want to forget about it and play happy. So thank you for commenting.

OP posts:
DamnaThatOnesTaken · 24/09/2019 15:37

I know you are alright. I feel very strong when I come back and read the comments. When I come off I just want to forget about it and play happy. So thank you for commenting.

OP posts:
DamnaThatOnesTaken · 24/09/2019 15:37

All right*

OP posts:
AgathaF · 24/09/2019 15:45

This is not a good relationship, either for you or your child. Chances are in time it will deteriorate further. You really can't risk subjecting your child to that.

Mabelface · 24/09/2019 16:00

Your house is just a house. Now, picture yourself in a place of your own with your little lad. Imagine the peace and lack of tension. Imagine doing what you want, when you want with no fear of recriminations. This is in your power and control. You can do this, lovely.