How would you respond to this

[DamnaThatOnesTaken]

Hello.

Argument with my husband. He thinks I'm being dramatic by being upset. I am so upset I'm contemplating leaving but I haven't told him this yet.

For context toddler is present the entire time. I walk into the bedroom and saying morning just about to go collect the shopping (this is the first thing I have said to him today). He says oh so we're not having sex then. I say what with toddler (I say his name not toddler) awake? He says yes put him in his room and put the gate on he can bounce on the bed. I say I can't do that he will want to come out or need me for something. He's 22 months old. He says but he always bounces on the bed whilst you do things like put the washing away. I say this takes a few minutes and he can come out when he wants and I can go in and check on him. He says oh so putting the washing away is more important than having sex. I say no but you can't compare the two. He says shut the f up. I say don't swear in front of toddler. He says shut the f up again. I say stop swearing in front of toddler! He then picks up the pillow he was laying at and throws it at me with force. His aim was pretty bad and it would have hit toddler in the face if I didn't manage to intercept it. Yes only a pillow but a very hard throw and short distance. I say that almost hit toddler! And he shouts I was aiming for you it wasn't going to hit him. At this point I remove toddler from room. I deeply regret not doing this sooner but I wasn't expecting it to escalate like this.

He has shouted and sworn in front of toddler before. I have gotten upset but forgiven. Now I feel I've forgiven and it's escalated to something more physical if I forgive this surely it will escalate again.

I don't want to leave him. But I don't want my toddler to ever witness something like that again. For context he works full time and I am a SAHM. When home he is either asleep or on pc and it's a miracle if he interacts with toddler for more than 10 minutes. He once asked me to get out of the bath to change toddlers nappy (which he ended up changing but not before telling me he hated me for making him do it). The only thing making me consider staying is that my toddler does adore him as when they do play together it is great. And we also have happy moments. Would this incident make you overlook the happy the moments and leave? How would you respond? He's currently at the gym and I'm not sure if he's returning before going to work.

my toddler does adore him as when they do play together it is great
And he can still do this when you are separated.
In fact, he'll probably spend more time playing with him when you are separated.
This guy is an absolute twat!
Leave now.
He verbally abuses you and expects to use your body when ever he wants no matter where your DC is.
Jeezzzzz... He is a sleaze!!!!

I am shocked at the lack of remorse he's shown you, OP. Please stick with this thread and use it as your diary, sounding board, whatever. It sounds very much to me like you need to leave as a matter of urgency. Your husband sees you as his property, not a person in your own right - you're a gadget for changing nappies and having sex with, which in his mind justifies him in getting so cross with him if you fail to perform. You mustn't expose your son to this. Stay strong, maybe look into that job when you get chance. Good luck.

I am picturing that down the line we can be happy as friends. And I do feel our son will have more quality time with him if separated as their time together would be more special and not me saying please play with him please come off the computer and give him your attention.

I tried womens aid but I went through to voicemail. I'm not even sure what steps to take. I picture a happy place that we can be in separated but it feels like so many steps to get there.

Op this man has no respect for you, please don’t live your life like this.
Make a plan and get out, or better still chuck him out.

Good luck op, you’ve made a brave decision and will save yourself a lot of future heartache

Keep trying the helpline number.

Down the line you can yourself be happy but you should not act as a friend to him going forward.

I would also keep your son well away from his dad and if there is contact it should be formally arranged at a contact centre.

You can't be friends with someone who threatens to punch you in the face. He isn't your friend.

He's an absolutely crap dad, too. OK so he can smile at his own son once in a blue moon - that doesn't mean anything. Your son will get more interaction from the lollipop man when he starts school.

The important thing is to stay safe. Can you go to your family's house? Would they just encourage you to stay with him?

Going against the grain here, but why do people always advise to leave/break up?

Have you tried marriage counselling? Have you guys ever talked about anger management counselling? You know him better than anyone else here. If has been swearing and have said shit before and you have retaliated back, argued and told him it is unacceptable.

I am not saying it is not an abuse but does he even know it? He needs help and so do you. Not saying you shouldn't leave, if has been always like this and don't have any plans to change then yes please run for the hills. But if this his first then why shouldn't you try?

@whenthereslovethereshope we haven't had counselling before besides from his parents. This isn't a one off. He has threatened to punch me in the face a few times. One time he clenched his first but stopped himself. I have ran away from him before saying don't hurt me. And I did feel scared. And there's been one more occasion I felt scared but I can't quite remember why. I agree with you he doesn't realise its an issue. He said to me today every man shouts and every man gets angry. He thinks its normal. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

Its not normal op and counselling is not a good idea in an abusive relationship
Can you call women's aid for some advice?

I've tried womens aid twice but both times voicemail. It's sad that they're so busy. I feel completely ridiculous saying it's abusive. I know it's not normal or loving but it feels dramatic calling it abuse when there are women in far worse situations than me. I know this is atrocious to say but I feel if he hit me I would have a real reason to leave. I'm terrible for saying that I know I'm aware I'm not saying the right thing at all here but feel I can just say what's on my mind because it's anonymous!

All that you write are words that an abused woman would write.

You are not being ridiculous at all here; your H is abusive towards you and your son and its very bad for you and your son at home. Its no sanctuary for you, let alone him.

He threw a cushion at you today and that could have easily hit your child. Your son is seeing all this at first hand and you cannot fully protect him from your H's abuses of you particularly whilst you are all under the same roof

I will keep on reiterating to you that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Abuse is not just physical in nature, shouting and swearing wears good people like you down.

It doesn't matter that there are other women in worse situations, there are also women in much better ones. You could be with someone who was always kind to you, not just when he wanted something or felt like it.

It feels dramatic calling it abuse when there are women in far worse situations than me

Do nothing and you will be one of those women. Get out now before he has the chance to hit you. Next time he clenches his fist you might not be so lucky to avoid being hit, and end up with a broken jaw. He's threatened you more than once, what the hell are you waiting for. As advised by the police officer earlier, report him so you have a record of his abuse.

wherethereslovethereshope

re your comments in quote marks:-

"Going against the grain here, but why do people always advise to leave/break up?"

Because that is really the only way forward when it comes to abusive relationships.

"Have you tried marriage counselling?"
You know really nothing about abuse don't you?. No decent counsellor would ever see OP and her H in the same room together because of the abuse he metes out towards her (and in turn her son).

"Have you guys ever talked about anger management counselling?"
Again this shows a complete lack of understanding and or knowledge re domestic violence and abuse in general. He has a problem with anger, her anger when she rightly calls him out on her behaviour. AM courses are no answer to domestic abuse. He in all likelihood can and does act normally around people in the outside world and such people can also be very plausible to them. It is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. Such men too hate women, all of them.

OP is not safe to embark on any form of joint counselling with this man; these men really do not think they have done anything wrong here. He has told OP as much too.

"You know him better than anyone else here. If has been swearing and have said shit before and you have retaliated back, argued and told him it is unacceptable".

He knows how he treats the OP; he does not care about her at all.
OPs only real option here is to get out of this relationship asap.

Many people believe an abuser's anger causes the abuse in a relationship. However, an abusive person does not become angry the way "normal" people do - their rules are different. And unlike "normal" people, an abuser's anger does not cause them problems; abusive anger is one of their tools. Evidence shows that abusive men who complete anger management programmes do not stop abusing. They merely choose another tool to reach the same end.

Abuse is about power and control; this individual wants absolute over the OP and in turn their child.

I think a real counselling may help? If he doesn't see that as a problem then there must more that should be done (mostly on his part) to make him aware of his own actions. Does his family take his side or cover up for him?

It is sad that he's done to you before and I think maybe it is right for you to walk out but if you have even a teeny tiny hope that something can be done before it's too late then please do. Of course, you need no telling that your child is a priority and his safety is first so I am sure you are good there.

I wish you all the luck. I hope you have your family support and find some work to get back to be independent. I truly believe no matter what and how, a woman should keep her career/education/work always active (not just simply stop) as when you hit a dead end like this, it is easy to get back to it without struggling too hard and for too long.

Disrespectful pig. No respect for you whatsoever!

wherethereslovethereshope

The OP needs to be in a safe place. Her husband may choose to get help but until and if he does, and takes steps to build trust, of his own accord, she is not in a safe place. She has already stated it is not the first time she has been threatened.

Don't get me wrong, I advocate seeking help, but not remaining at risk.

OP, abuse is abuse. It's not a competition. There should never be any abuse. Please keep trying WA, they are very helpful when you get through. Do keep moving with your positive longer term thoughts and plans.

@AttilaTheMeerkat & @millyanon, I agree with both of you on being in a safe place. I agree that OP is not at the moment and needs to get out of there to ensure not only her but her DS is also safe. I never said that that shouldn't be priority.

"You know really nothing about abuse don't you?" "Again this shows a complete lack of understanding and or knowledge re domestic violence and abuse in general".
Please don't judge me @AttilaTheMeerkat. Your comments are very judgmental and disrespectful. You know nothing about me. You know nothing about my abuse. You can't assume that just because I said 'to give it a try' means I am a completely unaware with the issues of abuse.

This is the reason why I said OP knows her DH and her life with him more than anyone of us. She needs hope and right direction. I am not at all telling her to go back to him and play dumb and forget about all what that had happened.

He needs help too and he's the same man she fell in love with. If he's an atrocious monster then I wouldn't have commented my first comment in the first place but he doesn't know if he needs help. You're right about not getting the counselling together but separately may help.

Again, I am supporting OP decision of getting herself together and trying to start anew. But wouldn't she have to deal with her DH for her child's sake in future even if she walks out and leave him today? Isn't it better if he does seek some counselling and get help for his child's sake and if OP can help then why not (but of course keeping in mind the safety).

Trust that instinct. He's an utter wanker who has no respect for you.

Going against the grain here, but why do people always advise to leave/break up?

What else do you suggest a woman does who is being abused? Put up with it?

@whenthereslovethereshope I understand where you are coming from. I appreciate the different view point. Currently he is standing by what he did. I should be grateful he chose a pillow and it was my fault that I got him angry in the first place (by asking him if he seriously thought that was a good idea). He thinks all men would react this way. Those that wouldn't would go out and cheat. I am struggling to see how I will move forward with him because he is justifying his actions.

If all men really were violent and abusive, I'd sooner be single for the rest of my life.

They're not, though. He just has some friends and associates who are every bit as unpleasant as he is.

Thank you everyone. I am going to continue to try and get through to woman's aid. I think my first step will be to find employment. Then find my own place. I need to get things organised before leaving. I do not feel that I am in immediate danger but I do feel it could escalate if I forgave him and carried on as normal. I feel like everything is such a mess. We have been ttc no 2. I am so grateful we have struggled otherwise I would be even more stuck.