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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it wrong to tell your partner you don't like the way they look?

84 replies

IamAporcupine · 23/09/2019 00:00

I was helping DH to cut his hair. He was topless, and I looked at him and noticed how much his body has changed. It really upsets me, but I do not like it.

Just to clarify - the change is intentional, it is not something that has just happened to him.

I feel awful, and I do not know how to deal with it.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 23/09/2019 00:10

So you mean, for example, they've started going to the gym and then got into extreme body building, or something, rather than 'it's 20 years down the line and neither of us are as slim as we once were' ?

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 23/09/2019 00:11

Yep

OP posts:

bombomboobah · 23/09/2019 00:23

Hmm tricky....

bombomboobah · 23/09/2019 00:24

How would you feel if he didn't like your body?

Actaea · 23/09/2019 00:31

Tbh it upsets me more when DH insists I look ok but I know for a fact that I don’t.

MMmomDD · 23/09/2019 00:32

Sadly - not much you can do. Presumably it’s some form of extreme fitness or weight loss - so he is doing it because he wants to.

AutumnRose1 · 23/09/2019 00:39

In answer your title question, my answer is yes, it's wrong.

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 23/09/2019 00:46

@AutumnRose - why?

@bombomboobah - I'd feel bad of course, but I think I'd prefer to know so I can do something about (or not)

OP posts:

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 23/09/2019 00:47

*about it

OP posts:

butterandbread · 23/09/2019 00:47

I’ve been told that I’m too thin for his liking before, but that was during a period where I was eating very little due to general lack of appetite, stress, and PND, so it did come from a place of concern.

If it’s purely based on aesthetics and on your level of attraction, I personally don’t think I would say anything. Not if I could see he was happy and I had no health concerns.

It doesn’t seem to be affecting your relationship, at least as yet. Is the dislike due to your general lack of attraction to such body types, or is it maybe just time you need to get used to what sounds like such a big change?

I’m really not attracted to muscley men but I also can’t imagine it being a huge deal for me if my partner did overhaul his imagine and look this way, so maybe I’m not the best to advise!

AutumnRose1 · 23/09/2019 00:56

OP because it's his body

He can do what he likes with it. You asked the question, that's my opinion. Unless there's a drip feed coming, it doesn't even sound like there's any health concerns, so you'd literally just be saying "I find your body unattractive".

Tilltheendoftheline · 23/09/2019 04:58

How would you feel if he told you he doesnt like your body and asked you to change it?

category12 · 23/09/2019 06:31

If it's body modifications or body-building, and he's seriously into it, telling him is unlikely to get you anywhere. He's doing it because he likes it.

Difficult one.

MajesticWhine · 23/09/2019 06:36

I think you could say something, if it was done sensitively - surely you are allowed to point out how different he looks.

category12 · 23/09/2019 06:52

Perhaps something like "do you think you might be going a bit far?"

SimonJT · 23/09/2019 06:55

It depends how it’s said and why.

My ex became really fat, he went from a 30 to a 38 inch waist, so not just a bit chunky. I mentioned it as I was worried about his weight and eating habits having an impact on his health, he did end up with type two diabetes. He didn’t take any comments well and decided to blame me for his diabetes, what a charmer.

My boyfriend has shaved his head, he looks like an extra in the boy on the striped pjs which I told him. I know it doesn’t bother him and he is well aware that his hair looks both awful and funny, if he was upset, sensitive about his awful hair etc then no, I wouldn’t have said anything.

NoCauseRebel · 23/09/2019 06:58

Well yes, it’s his body and he is free to do what he wants with it. But by the same token, while other people don’t have to like it, they are free not to.

If my DP e.g. went out and got a tattoo I wouldn’t like it. In fact it would put me off him entirely. But that doesn’t mean he should not get one just to please me. It just means that I don’t have to like what he does, iyswim.

CherryPavlova · 23/09/2019 07:02

It pulse depend. If it’s being covered in tattoos, ta a bit late but I’d hope he’d have discussed it first and reconsidered if he knew I disliked the idea.
If it’s the whole shaven chest, body oiled, super muscular six-pack look, I’d say I preferred a slightly less extreme look.

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 23/09/2019 07:40

@AutumnRose1 - I know I asked your opinion, I was just trying to understand your opinion better.

Of course I understand about body autonomy etc and I know he can do what he likes with his body, but should I not say anything at all just because of that, even if it might drive me away somehow?

If it was the other way around, yes, it would upset me, but I would prefer to know that what I am going might have an effect on him or our relationship for example.

@category12 - that's what I was trying to say, but he didn't take it well.

@Tilltheendoftheline - I would not be asking him to change his body. I would be asking him to stop changing it

OP posts:

AutumnRose1 · 23/09/2019 08:54

"but should I not say anything at all just because of that, even if it might drive me away somehow?"

I'm not sure. You mean you'd say "if you don't stop this, I'm leaving you?" I'd see it as emotional blackmail. If you want to leave, just leave.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/09/2019 08:56

I think you need to decide - do I love him and want to be with him as he now is, or d9 I want to leave?

Bobthefishermanswife · 23/09/2019 09:00

If he invites opinion sure, tell him, but off your own back, no.

Tilltheendoftheline · 23/09/2019 09:04

I would not be asking him to change his body. I would be asking him tostopchanging it

And change it back to how it was.

If you put a few pounds on. Hin telling you he doesn't like it would be hin telling you to stop eating so much and go back to how you were. IE stop changing your body

MrsMozartMkII · 23/09/2019 09:09

If he's got into body building then you're on a tough road trying to get him to stop. He's enjoying seeing the muscles emerge and if he's at 'serious' gym he'll be keen on his peers' responses. He'll also see it as getting fit and healthy. Probably the only impact you can have is if he starts taking steroids.

If it's not body building then please ignore!

bombomboobah · 23/09/2019 10:55

He is strengthening and improving his body, what's not to like?

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