Is it wrong to tell your partner you don't like the way they look?

[IamAporcupine]

I was helping DH to cut his hair. He was topless, and I looked at him and noticed how much his body has changed. It really upsets me, but I do not like it.

Just to clarify - the change is intentional, it is not something that has just happened to him.

I feel awful, and I do not know how to deal with it.

Is it just that his body has changed, or has he become something of a bore about his regime?

I ask because my ds1 has, over the last 6 months, seriously got 'into' going to the gym, weight training, 'healthy' diet (in quotation marks because it's pretty much just chicken and broccoli) and protein powder drinks, and I hear way too much about it for my liking. Don;t get me wrong, his physical changes are amazing, but dear Lord he's boring about it If it weren't my ds, but my partner, I think I'd have snapped by now.

It also means he has frequently avoided household chores by leaving for a PT session/for the gym/by having achey legs etc.

Does the same apply to your DH? Because if so, that might have some bearing on how you're feeling.

@Mummybares - yeah definitely

@Shodan - he does not talk about it, so doesn't bother me. It does take a good chunk of his free time, but he usually (not always) tries to do it very early/late in the day. But, yes, it does piss me off that it seems to be a priority.

If he's became a bit obsessive & it's taking up time is that changing the dynamics of the relationship?

Is he doing it for health reasons or was he unhappy about how he looked previously?

Do you think he's looking worse for it & is it putting you off him?

Apologies if these questions have already been asked.

but I did grow up in a household where looking after your body and doing sports was frowned upon. I guess that's where some of this comes from?!

healwaysexercised a lot, but now it's even more (too much?). What inspired him? Not sure

@Mummybares - sorry, I still do not think this is about my insecurities.

@Everafter1

If he's became a bit obsessive & it's taking up time is that changing the dynamics of the relationship?

Yes, that happens too. Before it used to be once a day, now it is twice

Is he doing it for health reasons or was he unhappy about how he looked previously?

He always exercised, but he does it more now.

Do you think he's looking worse for it & is it putting you off him?

He does not look bad. I am sure many women like his body shape. But I don't. As I said, I do not find big muscles attractive at all.

The reason why I posted was because I was interested to know if people felt this is something you can never say to your partner.

There are other issues associated with his (obsessive) training that I should talk to him about, but I wanted to know if the 'looks' side should be completely left out of the equation. Or whether it is somewhat valid to mention it.

By the way - do people think that you should never say that you do not like something (physical) about your partner (even if that is the case), or is it that you think if you love them enough you will always like them?

It depends.

Unless you are worried about his health, if he likes how he looks then I think it's up to him.

If it's a case of never making time for you, thats not about how he looks. Thats a different issue.

Tbh i would say something. I would definitely want my partner to bring it up if something bothered him. After having my kids i weighed 5lbs more than before. DH insisted it doesnt bother him and i look perfect. Of course when i looked in the mirror i could see it and wasnt happy, but i decided to turn a blind eye.
I have a very close friend who lives overseas and i only see her once a year now when she comes to visit. It wasnt until i saw her and she quite bluntly told me that i have pull myself together, because with the youngest child at 18months i have no excuse to look like that.
It wasnt nice and it upset me at first, but it did wake me up and im grateful to her, because it really pushed me to make a change.
DH still insist im perfect now. When i tell him i thought i was perfect before my diet he just says its perfect either way 🙄 this really bothers me because hes obviously not being honest.

@Jeleste - is that a typo? or you really meant 5lbs more

OP YABU, as hard as it is, it's his body and it takes a lot of discipline, training and things you should try to be proud of.

If the shoe was on the other foot and you wanted to loose weight/ get fitter, and he made these comments, how would you feel?

He's obviously loving training and it's a battle you shouldn't and won't win. You can push him away or join him, but health is good surely?

Also if my boyfriend didn't like the way that breast feeding made my boobs look as he didn't find them as attractive, he would be branded a superficial twit.

you are saying you don't find his new body attractive but the answer is the same.

his body is not for your enjoyment but to actually perform the functions of his body - a fitter body which should lift and move without pain.

(badly written but i hope you get my point

@1moreRep - this is not AIBU

As I said several times, if it was the other way around, I would prefer to be told. If I died my hair green, and it was really putting him off, I'd prefer to hear 'I think you look better without green hair'.
Whether I take that on board or not, is up to me of course. (and the same for him)

I am totally amazed at his discipline. I wish I could do a 10% of what he does! Now, the line between 'extremely disciplined' and 'obsession' is a difficult one. And just because this is exercise does not necessarily mean that is 'healthy'.

Again, that would be the subject of a different thread

if it was the other way around, I would prefer to be told.

So if he tells you he needs you to start exercising and taking an interest in how your body looks?

thanks 1moreRep, but I do not think that the breast feeding example, or putting on weight, or loosing weight as a result of life is comparable.

I would find that repulsive, maybe because I also came from a similar family (exercise was for fat people and stupid boring people). I think that it’s one of those things where you have to just accept that looks don’t really matter and ignore it if you can. If you can’t and it’s having an effect on your sexuality life then it’s kinder to tell him than leaving him to wonder what he did wrong or why you don’t want him anymore.

@Tilltheendoftheline - those are your words, not mine - I would never tell him I need him to to stop doing this or that.

@Tilltheendoftheline - could you tell your partner that he looks better with/without a beard?

@IamAporcupine yes that was supposed to be 25 :)

@BogglesGoggles - I thought mine would be the only one!

@Jeleste - phew!

Its not unreasonable to not like his new body. Its not what/who you married.
If he had put on 50lb, you would be well within your rights to not find him attractive and to say so. this is the same. So you can say something.

But its also not unreasonable for him to do what he want with his body, and continue.

Then you need to decide whether you want to stay with him.

@IamAporcupine that attitude is really common amongst non-British descent people ime. Exercise seems to form a purely functional purpose after diet and before liposuction. I was even banned from doing more than the bare minimum of certain kinds of exercise which my parents deemed ‘harmful’ to my development like swimming of gymnastics. Not that I ever wanted to do any exercise to be fair. I’m constantly having arguments with my father over whether I should allow my boys to play rugby. He thinks it’s too dangerous and pretty pointless (apparently boys should be doing lots and lots of swimming, rowing etc). I think that it seems to be sone kind of bonding ritual amongst boys of a certain class so serves a purpose beyond physical development and I do t want them to miss out. While I do admire good male bodies I must admit that anyone who looks like they do excess exercise puts me right off. Nothing like well defined abs to make me question a relationship. Also it’s just a bit gross when there isn’t enough fat under the skin to conceal veins, bones and, muscle outlines. Makes me think of anatomical drawings.

those are your words, not mine - I wouldnevertell him Ineedhim to to stop doing this

I didnt say you did. You said you would be happy to be told. So I gave a specific example.

I have dp I like him with a shortish beard. Because he asked my opinion. I disnr volunteer it.

But when he shaves, he shaves. Not an issue. It's his face.

@Tilltheendoftheline - The point was, I said I would be prefer to be told (if DH liked or didn't like something), you changed it to a command.
No, of course I would not like that, but that's is not what we were talking about.

Anyway, how would you feel if your DP started to look like this?