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Original poster

Is it wrong to tell your partner you don't like the way they look?

84 replies

IamAporcupine · 23/09/2019 00:00

I was helping DH to cut his hair. He was topless, and I looked at him and noticed how much his body has changed. It really upsets me, but I do not like it.

Just to clarify - the change is intentional, it is not something that has just happened to him.

I feel awful, and I do not know how to deal with it.

OP posts:
BearRabbitPants · 23/09/2019 11:06

It depends... is he spending long hours training evenings and weekends thus not pulling his weight in other areas ie child care housework etc, general spending time together etc? Could that be why you feel negatively?

ConfCall · 23/09/2019 11:08

Is there an underlying issue ....for example, a concern that he’s spending too much time or money on training, or a feeling that he’s trying to impress another woman, or a fear that he’s beconimg unhealthily ?

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 23/09/2019 11:13

I don't like very muscly blokes. It's not my thing at all. My DH was always slim with slight muscles. Mmm... as the years have gone by he's developed a slight dad bod and I still find him very, very attractive. If he started body building I'm afraid I would probably tell him that it isn't my thing but I guess it's his body. I'm also fine with him not being okay with me being overweight like I am now. As long as he doesn't put me down or stop loving me.

ISmellBabies · 23/09/2019 11:22

I think it's wrong to tell someone you don't like their body unless they have actually asked your opinion about it.
He loves his body, it must feel really great to feel so fit and strong. That's what's important, not how aroused (or otherwise) you feel looking at him. Why should your arousal when you look at him be more important as how he feels living in his body!! There's no comparison in importance, so just keep your nasty trap shut. If you're that shallow you can leave and let him find someone who cares more about how he feels than how he looks.

bombomboobah · 23/09/2019 11:40

just keep your nasty trap shut
That's a vicious little turn of phrase isn't it 🙄
(I hope you can ignore that OP😉)

ISmellBabies · 23/09/2019 12:48

Bit rich considering the nature of the original post tbh.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 23/09/2019 13:09

@ISmellBabies - what are you on about?!
I made very clear that I feel awful about this.

OP posts:
DBML · 23/09/2019 13:36

Hi op.
If he’s doing something healthy and you just don’t like the aesthetics, there’s not a lot you can do.
If he’s abusing steroids, yes it’s perfectly fine to say you don’t like it.
I remember when my husband walked through the door with his head shaved (with a razor!). He looked so different and I didn’t like it. But I love him and I’m used to it now. I find him handsome regardless.

ISmellBabies · 23/09/2019 13:41

I don't understand what you don't get about my post. You 'deal with it' by appreciating that how his body feels to him is more important than how it looks to you. Hth.

bombomboobah · 23/09/2019 13:42

Porcupine can you say what it is that you don't like about it, perhaps it reminds you of something bad from the past?

kateandme · 23/09/2019 14:54

i think this is tricky.on some level i want to say get over yourself and love him.loveing him means everything else just comes with that so you see the shiny moon beams coming out that to you look beautiful haha.(jokig kind of)
and i ay this becasue i know of couples who have been together decades and by god they have changed.and those that love eachother and are still together just say that love has grown.they dont particulaly see a pot belly or hunkier man,they dont see saggy boobs or spot problems now.they just look at them,as a whole they are still compeltely in love so they just still see beautiful.

BackforGood · 23/09/2019 15:39

Wow ISmellBabies - bit nasty.

OP realises there is a dilemma. She has been clear she 'gets' it will be a difficult conversation if she has it. She says she feels awful.

what, exactly about that suggests to you it is a good idea to be so horrible ? Confused

OP - I agree with Category12 . Something along the lines of asking how far he intends to go with this ? That you are worried it is becoming a bit of an obsession? That you are loving that he wants to look after himself and to get fit in the first place but now you are beginning to get concerned it is going a bit far ? Would that work ?

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 23/09/2019 17:31

@BackforGood - thanks Smile.

Yes, that might work, and it is very much what I feel. He tends to get very defensive tough, and the 'healthy' side of it seems to trump everything else. I do worry that he is getting too obsessed.

@ConfCall - yes, there are other issues (health/obsession/etc). I didn't mention them, because I was interested to discuss this particular side of the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 23/09/2019 17:36

@bombomboobah - I just do not like big muscles I guess. Plus, funnily enough, I feel it is a bit vain?

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 23/09/2019 17:44

I agree that bodybuilding is about vanity, but so are most of the choices we make about our appearance.
Obvs we are all free to have our own feelings about what is appealing in the opposite sex, but what if you took up running because you want to be slimmer and he said he doesnt like you thin, please go back to being rounded?
What if you used botox to get rid of some lines and he says he prefers you to look 'natural' for your age?
Is that the same thing, or do you feel there are grounds for making a special case for bodybuilding?

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 23/09/2019 17:55

@RhinoskinhaveI - I don't know, that was exactly what I wanted to work out. Is this the same as the running/bottox examples?
I know that I feel it is different to the 'gaining weight' scenario.

Again, if he said anything like this to me, I'd hear what he has to say.

By the way, just to clarify - it is not body building as such, but weight training. He does not go to the gym, so for the PP commenting on the effect of peers' responses - no, that is not the case.

OP posts:
LazyFace · 23/09/2019 18:02

He's not taking steroids, is he? If not, I'm not sure he can get too big.
One of my exes used to be very skinny and went into strength training, he looks quite ripped compared to 10 years ago, so much work must have gone into it.
I personally like muscles, it makes for a healthier person.
What is bothering you about it? Does he spend too much time training?

RhinoskinhaveI · 23/09/2019 18:13

By the way, just to clarify - it is not body building as such, but weight training
Seems that you feel strongly about the change in his appearance, to me your response seems out of proportion, I mean that not as criticism, rather I wonder if something about his increased muscularity has 'triggered' you in some way, perhaps you have some negative associations in your subconscious that you've not been able to acknowledge?
Then again lots of people find muscular physiques intimidating!
As others have said, in order to get 'huge' (afaik) steroids are needed, there is a limit to how much muscle can be gained without them!

Livelovelearn1 · 23/09/2019 19:13

Hey, i would tell him something (not to stop though). My partner is into body building too. Ive told him plenty times he looks great but there are times when he has gone a bit over the top to the point where his neck freaking disapears and becomes adjoined to his shoulders.... and ive told him... in a nice way but like he looks like a wardrobe and he looks way sexier when i can see his shape rather than the boxy "wardrobe' Hmm he loves bodybuilding so he will maintain it but theres sizes and sizes and maybe your partner can train areas differently. He probably will never stop and u will have to get used to having a fitter musclier man but
U have a right to share ur thoughts. He also tells me when im getting too skinny (when im stressed i lose my appetite) he has told me plenty of times youre getting too skinny. U look better with a bit of meat on ur bones... it is what it is . Over the years we've also put on weight at times and we have taken the piss out of each other and our bellies too (but always in a very non harmful loving way)... we spend our lives together so its natural to talk when theres visible changes.

MrsMozartMkII · 23/09/2019 20:41

If he's just weight training is it so bad a change in shape?

Just talk to him. Be prepared for some resistance though as once people start toning / muscling up they tend to like how it makes them look and feel.

Monty27 · 24/09/2019 01:02

Hrth do you think he's taking stuff to give him energy?
What inspired him to be a gym bunny. Has his personality changed?
There must be a reason you don't like it apart from his vanity?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 24/09/2019 01:08

Well if he's not bodybuilding he can't of changed that much

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 24/09/2019 22:04

@RhinoskinhaveI - many thanks. Yes, it is true, it does seem out of proportion. I do not think that is the muscularity per se, but I did grow up in a household where looking after your body and doing sports was frowned upon (Hmm). I guess that's where some of this comes from?!

@LazyFace - 100% sure he is not taking steroids. He does take creatine though. How bad is that, I don't know tbh.

@Monty27 - he always exercised a lot, but now it's even more (too much?). What inspired him? Not sure, middle age crisis I guess!

OP posts:
Monty27 · 24/09/2019 22:09

I hope there isn't steroids involved.

Mummybares · 24/09/2019 22:10

I think its about you and your own insecurity.