Child maintenance

[lifeswhatyoumakeit1]

I get £700 pcm for two kids. Plus he pays for mobile phone contract, school activities, savings for them, good presents for both kids at Xmas/birthday, takes them away on holiday, has every other weekend and always takes them out to cinema, meals out, concerts etc.

We've fallen out, it's now gone legal, CSA now say he's been massively overpaying and I'm entitled to nothing for the next 5 years!

I work, earn about £30k pa plus what he gives me.

AIBU to want him to keep paying? What is reasonable?

That's a huge amount of maintenance. I'm not saying it's a problem if he was happy to provide it, of course...but it's far more than most people get.

I can't believe though that CMS would say any overpayment has to be repaid. There hasn't been a claim so there's no overpayment to discuss.

New claim, set amount, on you go.

It will be a huge lifestyle change for his DC though.

If you decided on the amount between you, and he agreed on that, I don't think it's fair for him to stop. To go down to the true amount he needs to pay, maybe, but unless you were forcing the money out of him it's very unfair to leave you short of that amount now.

What about your own earning potential? If you're worried about finances it might be worth looking into that.

I'm sorry but I think this is your doing and you just have to suck it up. You had a damn good deal going for you based on my experience...what you or anyone else thinks is 'fair' is irrelevant...it's now down to his requirement as determined by CSA, which isn't much.

You need to budget for what you have I'm afraid.

I know, you're right.
I've just been absolutely livid about stuff and it's took a hold.
I absolutely can't afford to get no CM. I live in the South West and property prices here are extortionate

What were you slagging him off for?

And why did you want more money.

Tbh, my advice to a nrp who was paying alot of money, plus extras and then being slagged off before before being pressured for more money, would be to ensure they are paying right to the csa and maybe put more into the savings for the kids.

The ex (op is this case) is clearly taking the piss

Even if they are wrong and he will have to pay CM. The reality is it won't be £700. And he won't have to pay for extras.

Morality aside that's the facts. So unless he does a 360 you need to reassess your finances ASAP.

My earning potential is ok. I work in the private sector so could go for a new job which would earn more money. I'd lose my job flexibility though which is a godsend in terms of spending time with kids

Thanks everyone. I need to go away and think about this and how I approach it going forwards. Appreciate your input x

It's not his responsibility to pay you so you can work flexibly.

If he wants to, great. But he doesnt have to

Plus one day the money will stop anyway.

How can you have been livid at him?

Either you are a dick, who will never be happy with what he pays and does.

Or you are extremely jealous if his new relationship.

I am failing to see why you but be livid enough to put your and your kids and his dirty laundry out for all to see.

I can't believe you hadn't apologised, just continued fixating on how unfair this supposedly is for you! You sound manipulative and selfish.

Unfair is someone libelling you and then demanding money.

Statements published online are the same as statements published in a newspaper.

Sounds like you want him to find your lifestyle. Your nice area where you live (your mortgage) and your flexible work routine.
That's not what dads (ex or otherwise) are for.
I'd say you've gotta suck it up.
I get £145 a month for 2 kids and he barely sees them. Slagging him off on social media sounds juvenile and I'd say your probably getting your just desserts.
Sounds like he treats your children well when he has them.
£700 a month and you asked for more??? 😂😂😂😂
Some people don't know what grateful is!

If he is paying to provide them with a home that gives his children their own bedrooms, then you can't expect him to give you half of your own housing costs. It's 100% up to you to provide a home for yourself and your children.

An amount to cover half of your extra expenses for the children, like groceries would be fair, but that's only going to come to a couple of hundre pounds a month maximum. Then you can ask for half of the direct expenses, like childcare, uniform for school, paid for activities they do etc. But those are costs that fluctuate, some months you'll pay Little, some months will be expensive like at the start of the school year. I used to provide my ex with receipts for uniform, and forward emails from school about trips and clubs or when I did things like get passports so that he could see exactly what was spent and pay his half. It's easy when you can take picture s on your phone and just text them.

If you genuinely want to be reasonable, then you are going to have to lower your expectations massively, because taking £700 every month and then expecting him to pay for all of the extras is a huge pisstake.

Sadly, this is the life of a single parent. The mum or main carer usually spends way more than the other on the children. I know it seems unfair but that's just how it is.

My friend used to get £80 a month for one child and she'd have to fork out for the rest - it's a pretty raw deal seeing how expensive children can be.

My ex lives a great life with his new gf whilst I'm having to live with my dad as I can't afford to live anywhere else locally (London). He gets to buy new clothes, get takeaways, goes on days out and holidays, and I can't afford to do that. But it us what it is. You should be thankful for the money you have received from him since you split.

Also, the fact he has them 50% means he should be paying you even less as I'm sure they calculate by the percentage of time spent looking after the children.

I'd be on my knees begging for forgiveness!

My ex posted something about me on Social Media and that decision cost her £24000 in lost maintainance. Big mistake.

I have no sympathy. Sometimes you don’t know how fortunate you are until it is taken away.

I have to say that it does sound like you've pushed him way too far unfortunately.

£100 social activities
£100 holidays
£100 clothes
Hardly essentials especially when he’s covering extras on top of maintenance.
I think you’ve been a complete twat and shot yourself in the foot, why were you so stupid to upset such a good arrangement?
No fortnight in the Algarve for you next year. You come across as grabby and entitled.

You expect your ex to pay towards your holidays? Fucking hell.

He's super generous imho and you're an idiot for shooting yourself in the foot. Next time when you need to moan about him do it somewhere less public. How will your kids feel if they read what you wrote? That has to be the motivation for keeping it classy.

I received the grand sum of zero for two children - ex husband is earning and living very comfortable with OW and she’s paying him off the books to work for her. £700! My goodness! I’m surviving on benefits as one child is disabled and very sick so took redundancy to look after her. Ex husband doesn’t give a shit.

You had a good thing, you acted like a twat, now you reap what you sow I'm afraid.

He was happy paying and now he's not.

He only has to pay what CMS says. It doesn't matter what you calculate. The agreement you had was between you two and he has now decided to take the CMS route. Not much you can do unless you brown nose and apologise and he is willing to renegotiate. Otherwise I am afraid you're screwed.

I'm fully aware I've acted like a complete and utter idiot and now I have no way back!

This baffles me.

CSA calculate a legal minimum that a NrP has to contribute to their DC upbringing. A NRP isn’t perfectly entitled to pay more than the legal minimum they are obliged to pay without any expectation of it exempting them from further minimum support.

That’s crazy.

As a resident parent I could provide my children with the bare minimum they need to survive, but I dont just stick to that. I give them extras like treats and meals out and hobbies stupidly expensive pens . Does that mean I get to pay nothing for their survival for the next 5 years? Hardly. If I did they would be removed from my care very quickly for neglect.

How is this allowed for NRPs?

Are you entitled to any benefits? CMS is not taken into account.