Husband really hates my family

[churrosandicecream]

Hi all abit of a long one so stay tuned if you can.
Mine and my husbands relationship have been rocky over the years, but we are in a good place at the moment. In those years things where said between him and me which where bad. When we used to argue I used to go to my mum and just blurt our everything in an upset/angry rage. Because she used to see me so upset she used to then go back to my family (nan,aunts,uncle) because she wouldn't know what to do and the things my husband would say to me would upset her.
So now I have a 18 month old, and my husband will not let me take him to see them. They live around an hour away so I can't get there on my own as I don't drive. My Nan and grandad have only seen my son 3 times because they can't get down here often to see him. My aunts and uncles only around twice and some of my cousins have never even met him.
It makes me so sad because I love my family so much and I wish they could enjoy my little boy with me, they're such a loving family and so close to eachother. I feel like I don't know them anymore because I haven't seen them all in such a long time. But if I do see them it will cause massive arguments with my husband because he doesn't like them because he assumes they don't like him because of what my mum has said in the past. It's even gotten to the point where he won't let me take my son to see my mum and sister (who only live down the road btw) my mum hasn't seen my ds in around 3 months and the same with my sister. I keep saying to her sorry it's my fault because I don't want her to blame my husband because it will just make the situation so much worse. If I try talking to him about it it just ends in a massive row. I really don't know what to do,it's actually keeping me up at night because i feel so awful.

Hi, firstly i feel where you're coming from. I'm sort of in the same position as you. I don't really have any advice as such but more an ear to listen. It's really hard when family don't get on especially when there's children involved. My husband doesn't get along with my parents and so they are rarely mentioned in our house. When i see them and he knows he usually sulks, we have a row etc. The usual immature bollocks that we've come to accept from men nowadays. My parents have always supported us in various ways, financially, emotionally and my husband has really juat thrown it all back im their faces. We used to go on holiday with them every year (which worked out as a free holiday as it was to their holiday home abroad) but now apparently we won't be going with them from now on which means me and the kids misd out. It gets me down pretty much every day as i feel like i can't go on like this. But trying to fix things is easier said than done. Most people on here will tell you to leave him. But it's hard, isn't it. Do you feel that he is a good father and husband?

I honestly think this is LTB territory. He's controlling who you can see by ensuring you don't have close contact with your family since you know it will end in a row. There is nowhere good to go from there. Sorry.

Is he abusive? If not and it was just petty routine stuff you complained about then you brought this onto yourself - nobody should ever bring a third person into a marital row and you brought in your whole family. As long as he isn’t abusive the only way to fix this is to invite your mum over and actually apologise to your DH in front of her for bringing her into your private arguments. If he’s abusive then you should leave.

he won't let me take my son to see my mum and sister (who only live down the road btw) my mum hasn't seen my ds in around 3 months and the same with my sister.

He does not have that right, and you should not be accommodating his demands. This is your family and your child's. You love them and while he can refuse to see them, he does not have the right to stop you doing so.

I'm afraid that you're going to need to choose between him and them.

Your family has the measure of him and is trying to isolate you and your child from your family

@Teddybear45
It's definitely not petty rows. I've been called ugly, disgusting, wished I'd been run over by a bus. He's threatened to take my son away from me,like no one has ever made me feel as crap and upset as he has when he's angry. I can understand why my mums upset because if my child came to me saying their partner had said these things about them i wouldn't like their partner either. I do really love him it just feels like it's either his way or no way if you get me

Oh my god. No wonder your mum hates him.

I don't even know him and I hate him.

Leave the horrible bastard.

If a man spoke to my daughter like that, I'd be encouraging her to leave him.

@claudsmunro1987
Hi sorry to hear your in the same situation, it's such a horrible situation. One that when I think about it kind of makes me feel a little sick.
And I'd say he's an amazing father to my son. He loves him to peace's and would walk heaven and earth for him. Husband I'd say he's okay but as I said in a previous post it's either his way or I just don't bother talking. I love him I've been with him 5 years,just sometimes just makes me feel like crap.
Like we are meant to be moving into my mums house as she's moving away at the end of the year and we are meant to be giving her 3 months up front for her new place and I asked why and he said 'cause I'd pay for your mum to go away' and I'm just like well I'd rather not have the house then if your going to talk like that x

He is controlling you. Your family must be besides themselves with worry for you. They know what he is like and they know what he can do to you. And now he is controlling your access to them. You’re allowing him to abuse you. You’re family have the measure of him. That’s why he hates them and won’t let them see you. You must realise that this situation is not normal, and is not good for you or your son.

@PositiveVibez
I know I know. Some days I honestly just feel like packing my bags and leave him but I do love him, the thought of him being with someone else makes me want to burst out into tears. I wish I could just sit him down and talk to him about how I'd like to change but I can't because all he does is get angry and I just think oh forget it I'll just keep myself to myself. I have nothing without him- no home- no money- no nothing x

Leave. It'll be the most difficult thing you'll do but you have to do it for your child. That's no way for a husband to speak to the mother of his child. Sit down with him in a calm way, tell him that you need respect in your marriage and that you need him to put all the stupid family squabbling behind him, grow up and accept your family. If he can't do that then tell him you're gone. Don't let him think he can take your son away from you. That's not how it works. Be brave. X

So he is abusive. You need to leave. Guys like that don’t improve with age and generally become abusive with their kids too when they become older and start talking back.

This is part of the pattern of abuse.

Really the only advice is to LTB! It will not get better.

Move you and DS into your Mums and file for divorce. Seriously. He's isolated you from your entire family. MASSIVE red flag.
He swears at you and calls you names. Red flag.
He's wished you dead...... and you think you love him?

what's to love?

You must see that you are being controlled and abused @churrosandicecream

Can you reach out and use them for support while you make arrangements to leave? As in, have you got a way of keeping in contact without him finding out?

It's so hard to be brave-
He's the only man I've ever known.
I've been in love with him since I was 14 and now I'm 21.
Every time we argue and I say I'm going to leave he either starts crying and begging me or he says that I'm breaking the family apart and ruining my babies life. The things is when we are good we are really good we have a really good laugh and we get along like two peas in a pod. But when we are bad we are really bad x

@DowntonCrabby
I mean I have a huge family group chat on WhatsApp where they are all on there. Like I can text them he don't care about that but I can't see them. It's funny because I'm not aloud to see my family but atm we are living with his parents and see them everyday cause apparently his parents are perfect lol.
He said if I leave with my son he will kill himself and it scares me incase he does do something stupid because when he's in a bad place he really does spiral or he said he will get me arrested for kidnap x

Don’t tell him you’re leaving then. When he’s out pack a bag and go. Walk with baby in the pushchair if needed.

PositiveVibes is spot on.
Couldn`t have said it any better myself.

It’s abuse. He’s isolating you. He’s a fucking twat. Take your child away from him. Your child not having a relationship with your mother through your abusive husband WILL effect him. Your dancing to his tune. LEAVE HIM. Maybe he is being ‘okay’ in the relationship right now, because that way your not seeing HIM as the problem but YOU ate for wanting to see your family? Like shyt.

You have so much life left to live. Is with him the best place? It really doesn't read so.

I'd make a trip to your mum's with all your stuff and stay there.

This is my first LTB. You only get one family and they've been there for you. Don't allow him to alienate you from them. He is depriving your child of a loving family. Surely the best thing for him to do is shower them with love and kindness to help dispel any notions they have of him.

I agree with PP. move into your mums by yourself.

He sounds horrendous. Get out and don't look back. You owe it to yourself and your child.

I can't because my mum has no room as hers and she's also disabled so she couldn't have us in the house. I just want him to change so bad. And I love him and some days I really wish I didn't because I'm getting treated like absolute shit. It honestly breaks my heart o never wanted my life or my sons to be like this. I wish he was the man I thought he was when I first met him. He's also given me genital herpes so as he's said before no ones gunna want me anyway lol x

Your husband us a controlling arsehole. He has no right to dictate whether you and your son see your family, and is using these arguments to stop you from going again. You don't go for fear of upsetting him, and causing an argument.

I have been in a very similar situation and separated from my husband 2 years ago, because in the end, my family (faults and all) would never hurt me in the way he did.

This is not a good example to your son.