Husband really hates my family

[churrosandicecream]

Hi all abit of a long one so stay tuned if you can.
Mine and my husbands relationship have been rocky over the years, but we are in a good place at the moment. In those years things where said between him and me which where bad. When we used to argue I used to go to my mum and just blurt our everything in an upset/angry rage. Because she used to see me so upset she used to then go back to my family (nan,aunts,uncle) because she wouldn't know what to do and the things my husband would say to me would upset her.
So now I have a 18 month old, and my husband will not let me take him to see them. They live around an hour away so I can't get there on my own as I don't drive. My Nan and grandad have only seen my son 3 times because they can't get down here often to see him. My aunts and uncles only around twice and some of my cousins have never even met him.
It makes me so sad because I love my family so much and I wish they could enjoy my little boy with me, they're such a loving family and so close to eachother. I feel like I don't know them anymore because I haven't seen them all in such a long time. But if I do see them it will cause massive arguments with my husband because he doesn't like them because he assumes they don't like him because of what my mum has said in the past. It's even gotten to the point where he won't let me take my son to see my mum and sister (who only live down the road btw) my mum hasn't seen my ds in around 3 months and the same with my sister. I keep saying to her sorry it's my fault because I don't want her to blame my husband because it will just make the situation so much worse. If I try talking to him about it it just ends in a massive row. I really don't know what to do,it's actually keeping me up at night because i feel so awful.

Op have a look at this link. Coercive control is what he's doing to you and it's a crime.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

You'll be lucky if he let's you go that easily, so it probably won't be finished tbf. But if you could get away then at least you'll have a safe place and your own space to just be able to start hearing your own voice again n not the...toxic that comes from him.

Somewhere you can have a supportive network around you and consider your options for a fresh start. And maybe even a new adventure, when you are clear headed enough n strong enough.

@Pinkbonbon
Yeah I know it would do me the world of good i just look at my life and just think how did this happen? My mums always raised me to not take shit from any man and here I am taking shit.
@Itallt0omuch
And I looked at the link and I'd say 80% of the list is what I'm facing with right now x

You could call woman's aid without giving them personal details maybe? Just for advice. But I mean they'll prettily much tell you what we have. But maybe speak with them when you are safe with fam for more advice.

Just incase it ever comes up - ss may take children away from abusive home environments. So in getting you and your son away from your partner, you would actually be stopping that threat.

I've been told women's aid can contact SS as their is a child involved and apparently they aren't nice people to get involved with so I'm worried about that x

My experience of them is nothing like that, they have been fantastic with me. They are there to help and support you. They won't contact SS if it isn't necessary. Please contact them, you need help.

@GoldenFlaps
I've just looked on their website and it says I can email them which I would feel much more comfortable doing. I'll email them and tell them what I've told everyone on here x

Oh god OP. My heart is just breaking for you with each post you write.

This absolutely turned my stomach though:

He's also given me genital herpes so as he's said before no ones gunna want me anyway lol

The way he treats you is sickening.

If you don't get out, your child will think this is how men are and that is how they treat women. You don't want your current life for your child do you?

You are so so young. Please take up your mum's offer. At the least, reach out to your auntie.

You need to get away from this dusgusting piece of shit, before you have no fight left in you.

And I'd say he's an amazing father to my son. He loves him to peace's and would walk heaven and earth for him.

He’s a bloody terrible father. If you think anything else, you’re kidding yourself. He doesn’t even love his son enough to be nice to his mother. It’s possession, not love.

I've just looked on their website and it says I can email them which I would feel much more comfortable doing. I'll email them and tell them what I've told everyone on here x

As long as your husband can't access your emails.

I’m scared for you.

I know that first jump away is so hard but you have to.

@churrosandicecream

Don't you dare judge me. You have no idea about my life.

My first husband battered me until I was no longer recognisable. I had to leave for the sake of my DS. Went to women's aid, into a hostel and then five years of fighting through court for sole custody of my son when I was only in my early 20's. A battle with a much older man.

I've had to learn to be strong for my DS and protect him. There are plenty of women who say oh my husband "won't let me" do this that and the other even when they are not being abused and to them I say fuck him, do what the hell you want and if he's abusive then you need to get help.

I have no idea why so many women kow tow to these wankers and let them decide what the whole family will do and when. A woman doesn't need permission to do anything, and as soon as we realise this we will realise that our relationships are not healthy and we don't need to be with men like this.

It takes time OP but one day you will find the strength to leave and one day you will find someone who respects you for who you are. And remember every time he uses coersive control to make you have sex it's rape.

You and your child deserve better than this.

@madcatladyforever
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know my sorry means nothing but I'm glad your in better place now I wouldn't wish that in Anyone. And that's the whole point I don't get it decide or choose what happens it just happens if I like it or not. He's very very clever and cunning I'm just worried no one will believe me. His dads a church minister, his mums a good job in the nhs he had everything behind him to set he scene for a good picture x

@PositiveVibez
I'm sorry for making you sad,this wasn't I'm intentions at all I just wanted some support and company. I felt like I couldn't speak to my family and obviously I can't speak to him so I just speak to myself and slowly go insane lol.
And I know but I see it as true, it scares me because I think I'm 21 if I leave him then who the hell is gunna want me knowing what I've got? I'll just have to live with me and my son and like 20 greyhounds.
I'm kind of numb to it all now, when he says something mean to me I just say 'okay' or I say 'I don't care your not going to upset me' so he doesn't get a reaction. I used to cry now I just get on with it.
It's so hard because he does do good thinks like takes us to hotels and go for nice meals and if he's just been paid he will go into a. Shonand say 'go get whatever you like' or if I'm upset he will go out and by me anything and everything even if I don't want or need it. I think I'm just being stupid and making excuses

And I'd say he's an amazing father to my son

No, he really isn't.

Take a good hard look at him OP. Is this who you want your son to be?
Are you modelling what you want your son to view as a healthy and normal relationship?
You deserve to know what love actually is and feels like because, I guarantee , that this is not it.

If abusers were never nice we would never stay with them long enough to be abused. Bet he flings the nice things he does for you back in your face too whenever you call out his bad behaviour. Especially gifts. They like to buy you things so they can make you feel obligated to do as they want and ungreatful for any perceived disobediences or slights afterwords. They want you to feel like you owe them somtheing.

As for other men thing - you are obviously a passionate and likely, kind person to have stayed with this tosspot so I wouldn't be so sure about the needing stay single thing.

And tbh...would it be so bad anyway? I look back on my life so far tbh and I've always been happiest when I was single. I've hit thirty now and tbh, I'd rather just have good mates than a man any day.

I think I'm 21 if I leave him then who the hell is gunna want me knowing what I've got? I'll just have to live with me and my son and like 20 greyhounds.

Yeah I thought that too. Because my abuser had absolutely destroyed my already rock bottom self esteem. I didn't think I could do any better, and I also thought that's what most relationships were like behind closed doors. They're not and I was, am l and am way too good for my ex, as you're far too good for your hopefully soon to be ex.

You worry that nobody will believe you. You already know your family, your support network will believe you. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Especially his family. To start with, just tell everyone else you were unhappy together and you drifted apart and have decided to part ways. Practise a phrase to tell people and stick to that if it makes it easier. You don't have to disclose the abuse to anyone you don't want to. I felt ashamed that id allowed myself to be abused. Like I said it wasn't until years later that I understood the cycle of abuse and how neatly these men trap you into it. It's like psychological warfare.

I just want to add that SS can be lovely. They get nasty when they see a child in danger and parents unwilling to get that child out of danger. If you are willing to work with them they can open doors (and you save everyone money by minimising how long they need to remain involved).

Ask for driving lessons and access to the car. The answer will tell you everything you need to know about what to do next. Hand hold... and lots of love. 💖

I'm a social worker - I'll answer a few of your technical questions.
You can't be arrested for kidnap if you leave with your son. You're his parent and the police will not get involved with parent disputes unless they see evidence of a child being harmed or there is a court order with powers of arrest attached.
He can't take your child from you. If you leave he can go to court for contact if he wants, but it's a slow, expensive and difficult process.
Women's aid won't necessarily inform social services of anything - firstly you can speak to them anonymously, and if you did give your name they would only refer to social services if you disclosed something that was serious and affected the baby. They don't refer all women as a matter of course.
And even if they did - social services would want to support you to leave. Yes they would be firm about it - they would expect both of you to take steps to make the child's life safe again, and they don't beat about the bush, but their goal is to keep children safe. However in my view nothing you have disclosed here would warrant a social services assessment.

Hi everyone just wanted to let you guys know I have been reading the comments just haven't had time to reply as been looking after baby all day.
I just want to say thankyou to you all and I have ALOT to think about. I know it will take time and strength but I'm hopeful I can do it. Either now or a year from now but I will do it. and thankyou to the person who is a social worker it's made my mind at rest a lot. I think there is a big stigma around your work as people tend to see you as the 'bad guy' but as you said perfectly you here to help and protect. He said he wouldn't spend a lot of money if it came to it to get rights to see our son ( I wouldn't stop him anyway). If it ever comes to it I'll let him waste his money. Thankyou to everyone honestly words can't express my gratitude x

Oh OP I am glad you have come back with the update 🙏. I think you are actually stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You came on here because you knew something wasn't right.

You sound like a lovely person and a great mum. You have just been brainwashed by this fucker.

There's a big world out there and you and your child need to experience it.

He might pay for hotels and buy you stuff, but it's all part of the cycle of abuse. Making you think he's not that bad.

And don't worry about 'knowing what you've got'. When you find a man who is actually worthy of you and you tell him what happened, he will be understanding and you will work through everything together.

I really hope the best for you and you child OP 💐

Your husband sounds really controlling- not only not helping you see family who live a bit further away, but also 'banning' you from seeing those who live nearby. That is not a good sign. What's stopping you going there? Are you frightened of him? Either way, it shouldn't be this way xxx

What he said about no-one wanting you is a classic thing for abusers to say. I don't think this bloke is good to be around- please leave somehow. Hugs xxx

Threatening to kill himself if you leave is 'just' another way of trying to control you. Please LTB xx

OP - this man doesn't love you. He is cruel and controlling. The behaviour you describe is that really how you would treat someone who you love and care about?

Do you want your child to grow up thinking this behaviour is ok?

Please, please contact Women's Aid. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child......

You risk having SS involved and removing your child by staying with him. Not through leaving.

If you were my daughter I'd have dragged you and my granddaughter away from that nasty piece of work.

Tell your family everything and let them help you. Help yourself. I had a partner like this. Not long till he had scissors at my throat. Thank god I had no children with him.

Get away. Ring women's aid and get into a refuge or go to your mums.