Husband really hates my family

[churrosandicecream]

Hi all abit of a long one so stay tuned if you can.
Mine and my husbands relationship have been rocky over the years, but we are in a good place at the moment. In those years things where said between him and me which where bad. When we used to argue I used to go to my mum and just blurt our everything in an upset/angry rage. Because she used to see me so upset she used to then go back to my family (nan,aunts,uncle) because she wouldn't know what to do and the things my husband would say to me would upset her.
So now I have a 18 month old, and my husband will not let me take him to see them. They live around an hour away so I can't get there on my own as I don't drive. My Nan and grandad have only seen my son 3 times because they can't get down here often to see him. My aunts and uncles only around twice and some of my cousins have never even met him.
It makes me so sad because I love my family so much and I wish they could enjoy my little boy with me, they're such a loving family and so close to eachother. I feel like I don't know them anymore because I haven't seen them all in such a long time. But if I do see them it will cause massive arguments with my husband because he doesn't like them because he assumes they don't like him because of what my mum has said in the past. It's even gotten to the point where he won't let me take my son to see my mum and sister (who only live down the road btw) my mum hasn't seen my ds in around 3 months and the same with my sister. I keep saying to her sorry it's my fault because I don't want her to blame my husband because it will just make the situation so much worse. If I try talking to him about it it just ends in a massive row. I really don't know what to do,it's actually keeping me up at night because i feel so awful.

I've just read the rest of the posts. Please OP, read and take them all in. You're 21. You've got a while life ahead of you that can be so much better than this. He's behaving EXACTLY how these abusive men do, horrible to you, distancing you from your family (and friends I bet) then upset and full of apologies when you've had enough.

YOU are not breaking your family up, he is. What's the situation with where you live? Rented/owned? Whose name is it in?

How is your life now your out of the situation? If I didn't love him I would of left ages ago but there's that little niggle telling me to stay. Just worries me because I don't won't cause
I'm a full time mum, I'll have nowhere to live, no money I'll literal have nothing. And he said if I went into a mother and baby centre so I can wait to be housed by the council he said he wouldn't let my son stay with me as it's not safe. I'd only be allowed to see him a couple of hours throughout the day.
Everyone's saying just leave, it's really really not as easy as that. It's like going into freezing cold water- getting yourself in there is the hardest part

@Nottalotta
Hi and yes your are right and so is everyone on this thread. Used to be a very social person had so many friends before I was with him. And now I have 2 and I haven't seen them in years but I text every now and then. And we are currently living at his parents house to 'save for a mortgage'. My mum is moving away and she was going to give us her house (it's under housing association and they've said it's okay) she just needs to find somewhere to live first. I mean the rent on her house is only £510 a month which is so cheap for where I live so I could maybe afford it with housing benefit and that if I did end up leaving him x

This is not what life is suppose to be. He is not a good man and like hell is he a good father

OP, you really need to leave this man. He's incredibly selfish and damaging to your mental health.

What you feel for him isn't love. It really isn't. There will be a lot of things involved but love isn't there. You couldn't truly love someone who thinks so little of you.

I would ask your mum if you can move with her.

@HollowTalk
I don't know if I'd be allowed to because
Obviously my son is his kid aswell? I don't know the ins and outs of the law but I don't know if I'm allowed because he would have to drive like an hour and a half to see him

And he said if I went into a mother and baby centre so I can wait to be housed by the council he said he wouldn't let my son stay with me as it's not safe. I'd only be allowed to see him a couple of hours throughout the day.

He may say this - but he can't actually do any of that! A Mother and Baby place is perfectly safe. Sometimes they are a bit stressful but they are safe. No court would (or SS) would judge your DS to be unsafe there. It takes a lot for a Court to take a child away from a mother (for example abuse or high level drug abuse). At the most he would get 50% residency, but it is highly unlikely, especially if he is threatening to take your DS away from you - you could argue he is threatening "Parental Alienation"which is an offence.
Leave him - this is not real love.

@churrosandicecream life is so much better. It can still be stressful, because we are still married (for now) and have 2 small children so have to see each other. But I can go to see friends, family, whoever I want, without worrying. I come home when I want, I'm not constantly thinking I have to be in before him, so I relax when I'm out. I relax when I'm home because he's not here.

I'm a housing officer. I'd suggest you go to your council. If you are living with his parents, and really can't stay with family, then the council should provide you with temporary accommodation. There is NO WAY he can take your baby away, temporary accommodation, while sometimes not ideal, is there for people with children.

I know it's not easy. It took 9 months from the moment I had made my mind up, to actually getting him to leave. The relief was huge.

And yes, you can leave with your son. You are the primary carer. You're not stopping him from seeing him.

I'm not sure you understand the meaning of love (sorry, that sounds dreadfully patronising). You are dependant on him as he's all you've known. But there's no kindness, no care, no thought in his actions towards you. Just threats and abuse. There's no love.

This isn't what you want for your child. Start looking into what you'd be entitled to and make plans to get away.

@MollyButton
Okay that makes me feel a little better. I'm
A good mum, my babies fed,clean, very happy and I love him more than anyone on this planet. I don't take drugs I don't even drink alcohol lol

I really just want to thank everyone on this thread. You've all been so kind and lovely. He doesn't know I have mumsnet and if he did he would flip his lid. But I like going on here because it's times like these where I feel very alone and stuck I feel like I people to reach out too. So thanks x

Why don’t you just learn to drive then you can take yourself off to see them

@Astella22
I would love to drive it's just the money side of it I can't afford lessons and he would be upset with me if I went to see them

He is a right cunt. He's not top himself he thinks too much of himself.

By letting him control you you're effectively modelling to your son it's acceptable for a man to control his partner.

Love him? What exactly? You'd have nothing without him? Bullshit. You'd have a supportive family. You can work. You can give your child a loving upbringing.

Op youre young, you have your whole life ahead of you. This guy is not your life partner. Hes actually really abusive. There are good men out there and he aint one of them. Reach out to your family. They will help you. You need to be strong.

This is the reality of disclosing to loved ones that you're staying with an abusive partner.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It will help.

I'll defo check that website link out now,
I feel like reaching out to my aunt as she's been there before but worse her husband practically tried to kill her he was a awful
Man. She's re married to a lovely man that thinks the world of her now x

He is isolating you from your support network.
This is an abuser's bread and butter.
Your mum doesn't for a second believe the distance is your fault.
Please leave, you deserve better.

You are being abused.

Do you think you have the right to tell him who he can and cannot see in his family? No? Well the same goes for him.

As for him saying that you leaving him would ruin his child's life - well his child having a happy mum and seeing his extended family and not being in a house with argument are the things that will not ruin his child's life.

Ask yourself how you would be feeling if it were your child being treated like this. That's how your parents feel. They must be worried because you are being controlled.

You need to leave.

He absolutely isn't a good father when he is abusing the mother of his child and isolating them from their family.

Jesus OP, all the red flags you're listing. It's like an abuser's guide. Is he a good bit older than you too? Does he have all the spending power? (He earnt it, so it's "his" even though you're supposed to be a family unit and you're spending your days bringing up his kid.)

And everybody always says that their arsehole partner is a good parent. And I'll point out what somebody always does: a good parent doesn't treat the other parent like crap, insult or badmouth them. It's setting the kid up to follow the same path, which is just shit.

You really, really don't need him. You will be able to survive without him. You'll also be able to breathe at last. And how good would it feel to have your friends and family back? A support network instead of a one man destruction machine aimed exclusively at you.

And like hell would he kill himself. They all say that. He'll just find himself a new victim.

The guy sounds like he stepped right out of the abusers handbook. Isolating you from family and friends, giving you an std, calling you horrible names, threatening to hurt himself or take your kid if you leave him (last two are bullshit BTW)

Inform the police of the situation when you are getting ready to move out. Just so they are aware. Maybe they can even provide an escort if required. Otherwise, go when hubby is out.

If he threatens his life, eg 'ive taken some pills' ect when you have left him, call an ambulance and tell them what he said (that you think it isn't true but just incase...) No doubt he'll be flabbetghasted that you've taken it to that extent. And he'll get an earful for being a bullshitter when they arrive n won't try talking that crap again.

Move into your mums place when she moves out, just you n the boy maybe? Or if you have family further afield, maybe see if you can move that way because the further you are from him the better. He might kick up a fuss about you taking the child but in reality, it's protecting the child from seeing it's mum abused. And the right thing to do. He might say he will try take the child from you but in reality he won't ever want full custody because then he'd have to look after the child all by himself lol. And no judge would give him it anyway.

Good luck, you can do it. Might be worthwhile learning more about how abusers minds work. There are some good YouTube videos by Melanie Tonia Evans on narcissists (which sounds like itnay be applicable) and the book 'why does he do that?' by Lundy. If you can risk them. Or once you have got out. Oh and leaving you with a Lundy quote here - 'they are not abusive because they are angry, they are angry because they are abusive'.

Oh and