Husband really hates my family

[churrosandicecream]

Hi all abit of a long one so stay tuned if you can.
Mine and my husbands relationship have been rocky over the years, but we are in a good place at the moment. In those years things where said between him and me which where bad. When we used to argue I used to go to my mum and just blurt our everything in an upset/angry rage. Because she used to see me so upset she used to then go back to my family (nan,aunts,uncle) because she wouldn't know what to do and the things my husband would say to me would upset her.
So now I have a 18 month old, and my husband will not let me take him to see them. They live around an hour away so I can't get there on my own as I don't drive. My Nan and grandad have only seen my son 3 times because they can't get down here often to see him. My aunts and uncles only around twice and some of my cousins have never even met him.
It makes me so sad because I love my family so much and I wish they could enjoy my little boy with me, they're such a loving family and so close to eachother. I feel like I don't know them anymore because I haven't seen them all in such a long time. But if I do see them it will cause massive arguments with my husband because he doesn't like them because he assumes they don't like him because of what my mum has said in the past. It's even gotten to the point where he won't let me take my son to see my mum and sister (who only live down the road btw) my mum hasn't seen my ds in around 3 months and the same with my sister. I keep saying to her sorry it's my fault because I don't want her to blame my husband because it will just make the situation so much worse. If I try talking to him about it it just ends in a massive row. I really don't know what to do,it's actually keeping me up at night because i feel so awful.

They live around an hour away so I can't get there on my own as I don't drive
Yes you can, that’s not far on a train or bus.
You need away from this arsehole, having nothing is better than being with an abusive cheat.
How can you love him? There’s nothing to love.
A good dad doesn’t give his sons mum herpes and wish her dead!!

But it’s only good when you don’t disagree with him?

There is a lot of allowed and what he d and would not like. This is so controlling and abusive

Let me ask you this when his son starts to push back hoe do you think he will react

Of course you would be able to 1.5 hrs is fine. Get out now

Why don’t you drive? Learn in an automatic. Super easy. You could do an intensive course and be driving in a month. You put yourself at a huge disadvantage by not driving. Take back control and get behind the wheel so you can decide where you go. Why are you letting him dictate to you? Pack a bag, get a train and go see your family for a long weekend. Fuck that. If somebody told me I couldn’t do or see somebody I’d do extra just to stick them in the arse with it. Find your inner warrior woman!

@Pinkbonbon
Thankyou so much for your advice. I'm literally shaking while writing this because
I'm so nervous lol.
I do think of a life without him and what I'd be doing and where id be. I'll definitely look into the book and the YouTube vid. If I can't buy a hard copy I'll try and get it on my phone. And yes money's an issue. I don't have any spending power it all goes to him. The benefits that are in my name go to him. I need new bras cause since have my son my boobs have grown slightly and my bras are too small i keep saying 'I need new bras' but be won't get them for me. Before we was together he was a serial cheat. He cheated on girlfriends everyday. He got with me and he hasn't cheated on me because he said he felt something he didn't feel for the other girls he had. I know he hasn't cheated because I'm allowed on his phone and he hardly leaves the house and if he does then I've got find my friends where I can see where he is. Which makes me think oh he does love me because he's chose me out of the other girls who he had before. He's a very good looking mans and women used to 'lust' over him at school. He used to be with older women and slept with his school receptionist. He just loves sex basically lol.
I know this isn't relevant but just abit if back story to his life so you know what type of guy he is lol x

@Ketchup4tea
And I so would but I don't have control of any money so i can't learn to drive or get a train lol.
And I know it's weird because my friend used to be in abusive relationship and I smacked her ex boyfriend in the head when he pinned her up against the wall. I'm not at all an aggressive person it actually scares me but it's just instinct seeing someone you love getting treated like crap x

I'll keep everyone posted on what happens with my situation and where my life Leeds me lol x

These 'learn to drive!' posts do my head in, when it's clear that the OP is unlikely to be able to afford the hideous expense of lessons/tests, and probably can't afford to buy and run a car anyway. Not to mention that their main problem is NOW.

Is he older than you?

Having no money is financially control. Given his background your have said I imagine he often pesters and gropes you for sex and you have to submit

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

He is abusing you. He's isolating you so you can't escape. He verbally abuses you. He's given you an STD. He emotionally abuses you by saying he will kill himself if you do XY and Z.

You can't let your child grow up in an environment like that. Your child needs a mother who is at her best, and your partner has made you at your worst. He will grow up to see that it's ok to treat women in that way.

You say your aunt has been through it. Speak to her. You can leave with your child. There are things out there to help people who leave abusive relationships with nothing. You can move into a refuge. He won't be able to get you done for kidnap, especially if you are in a refuge. There is support out there.

Love isn't enough. And this isn't love. You're 21 years old, you can't live out the rest of your life like this.

Is he a lot older than you? He's straight out of an abusers handbook. I suspect if you had the money and means to leave, you'd feel less like you love him and more like you hate him. Look how he's making you live. He's controlling you, cutting you off from your support network, threatens to take your baby if you try and escape, controls your money, doesn't allow you to buy things you need. The nice/nasty cycle is classic abuse. When he's been nasty and you start to see him for what he is, he switches on the good side again for a bit to reel you in. Lots of us have been exactly where you are op. It doesn't get better. Mine got worse.

You're only 21. You've got your whole entire life ahead of you. Unless you want to be living like this in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 80s, you're going to need to make the leap and leave him some time. Might as well be now. Keep it on the quiet til you've figured out what you're going to do. Reach out to your family and friends. See if they can help. If you were my relative I'd move heaven and earth to help you get away from him. I got together with my abuser at 19 and left him at 22. Shortly afterwards I met a wonderful man who I've now been with for 10 years and the difference is like chalk and cheese. I never have to walk on eggshells now.

Oh sweetheart my heart breaks for you. Did I read correctly you’ve been with him since you were 14??? Is he older than you??

He won’t change. I know you keep thinking/hoping he will but he won’t. He’ll just get worse

The only thing you can do for you and your son is to leave. I know you think you can’t but you can xx you’ve been given helpful links here

You are far stronger than you think you are trust me xx

Could you call a relative/friend and ask for the lift? It might sound like an inconvenience but think about it this way, I'm sure you'd do it for a friend if you could right?

Heck I'm sure you could even get a taxi to your family and they would pay for it happily if they knew it was getting you away from him. Provided they can afford that.

You totally can go. I know its a thought to finally make that move. Part if you will feel like you are..giving up on something. Like if you'd just stayed a bit longer or tried a bit harder in some way, he'd somehow become a decent human being. But I think you know deep down, that isn't the case. They want us to think we are the problem, to focus so much on our own shortcomings that we aren't looking at there's. But you aren't the problem. He is. You cannot help him, you can only help you and your child. He actually doesn't even need help, he is exactly who he wants to be -a big bully. Don't be his victim anymore.

That whole sex thing - it was about enjoying being admired, it stroked his ego. But now he has you, he has just realised he enjoys control more. Often we stay thinking 'oh well at least he'd never cheat', we think that somehow means he cares about us deep down. It doesn't unfortunately. It just means bullying you is enough to make them feel good for now. Your pain is enough. It isn't love, it's hate.

@Itallt0omuch @squeakybike
Hi he's only 23 so only 2 years older than me. I'm so glad it worked out for @Itallt0omuch. It's just that first push to get out that's he hardeSt. Mums even said she would let me and my baby sleep in her bed and she sleeps on the sofa. My family are amazing and would drop anything and everything to help me. I wish I could all hug you in person because you've all been amazing. Sending virtual hugs to you all x

And yes he does pester for sex, a lot. It does my head in I've never been too bothered about it. But if I don't give him sex he will strop for hours or days. I just normally say yes to avoid an argument x

*theirs

This is 100% abuse

You need counselling to help you get to leaving him. It is unacceptable that he is doing this.

I hope you find the strength to get help.
Confide in a friend and get her to set up the counselling for you and a cover.

Sorry this is happening to you and it's very distressing for your family too.

Your child will grow up with this and the damage will be apparent soon.

"He won't let me........"

He has no say in what you do as a grown woman.

You need to learn to stand up to him and say this is what me and the kids are doing today and go.

If he physically prevents you or locks you in then ring the police and get him removed from the house.

No man is ever going to tell me where to go and what I can and can't do. Get your sister to take you to see your mum. You don't need your husbands permission, this is not the 1800's.

Oh dear god sexual coercion too. It's like my history repeating itself. I finally ended my relationship after he raped me because one day I didn't give in and say yes when he was pestering me. He did it anyway. I STILL didn't recognise it as abuse until many years afterwards when I was reading Mumsnet and so many things clicked into place. Luckily we didn't have a child and didn't live together but I thank my lucky stars every day I got away.

@Pinkbonbon
Gosh it's like your reading my life lol.
It's so true I was literally sitting here thinking what if I talk to him about it saying things need to change then we can maybe try again. And then another voice in my head says, 'seriously,what's the point girl?'. Because he has bits about his personality which are great and I think god if you could change the horrible bits about your you'd be the perfect man. But in 5 years he hasn't changed. He says I haven't changed and I'm constantly moody. But he's hard not to be moody. I've given up friends, social media, my college education everything you could think of just to be with this man and it's never good enough.
And it's very weird in sex you'd think he would be he dominant one but he actually wants me to be? I mean he wants me to 'dominate' him which I'm so not in to it's makes me feel uncomfortable tbh. I'd rather have loving sex but that's not his thing.
And I could ask someone to come get me.
My uncle and aunt live like 10 mins up the road and if they wasn't able to all my family drive who live an hour away someone would be able to get me. It's just thought of once I've left there's no going back and it's finished and it scares the absolute hell out of me x

No man is ever going to tell me where to go and what I can and can't do. Get your sister to take you to see your mum. You don't need your husbands permission, this is not the 1800's.

Goody for you, you're obviously so strong and you've got your shit together and anyone who is abused just needs to be strong like you. You know abusers don't start off by abusing don't you? It's insidious and gaslighting until you don't trust your own judgement or emotions.

Please contact Women's Aid, OP

It's just thought of once I've left there's no going back and it's finished and it scares the absolute hell out of me

Of course it does. Because he's trained you to believe you need him. But you don't. You are enough on your own. Wouldn't you like to go back to college? Reconnect with friends? Be able to go on Facebook without worrying he will have a strop about it?

He thinks he's in control. But you've got power over yourself too. You just need to find it. You are strong enough, believe you me.

@Itallt0omuch
That's awful I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Most of the time I just sit there and think of other stuff because I'm just not enjoying it. Even like 'what to buy on the next food shop' it's that bad lol. He would never hit me or rape me because he knows he would never be able to see his son and that would break him. When he was younger he was respected by all of his peers and teachers. He was popular and everyone wanted to be his friend, so I think that's where his ego comes from. Also his mum thinks the sun shines out of his arse which is so annoying because we are leaving with her she just lets him talk to me like crap x

@GoldenFlaps
I've been told women's aid can contact SS as their is a child involved and apparently they aren't nice people to get involved with so I'm worried about that x