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Original poster

being a SAHM should I thank my husband for his salary.....

29 replies

hermykne · 10/08/2007 21:11

because he just told me he thinks its taken for granted.
and somedays he wishes his job was less and i was working and it d be fairer

i think this isnt a good sign at all.

now how could i thank him?
after i cook, clean and all that jazz

he works away for 24hr shifts, so i look after kids amd done for 5 yrs, practically non stop and could prob say i have had 10 days "out" for me in that time.

he is useless with finances, i do all that, get best deals, from flights to car insurance.

OP posts:
beansprout · 10/08/2007 21:13

If he wants to thank you for your contribution, then fine, but given that this is how many marriages, nay grown ups run their lives, he should just get over himself!

tissy · 10/08/2007 21:13

tell him you'll thank him for his salary when he thanks you for looking after his kids for 5 yrs

cheeky get!

expatinscotland · 10/08/2007 21:13

Um, wtf?

My DH was a SAHD. I can't think of having asked him to 'thank' me for . . . well, our being a family and partnership.

Fuck that.

Tutter · 10/08/2007 21:13

it's a partnership

easy to take the other for granted

you both need to be aware of, and thankful for, the other's input, imo

i'm a sahm, and really appreciate the fact that dh works hard and earns the bucks which allow me to stay home with the dsses. but doesn't mean i work any less hard

Tutter · 10/08/2007 21:14

hang on, has her dh actually said the 'thanking' bit?

onetiredmummy · 10/08/2007 21:14

Bollocks to him, every time dh & I argue it always comes out that he pays all the bills etc I'm sure he thinks toddlers feed themselves & I just sit on my arse all day.

Tell him youre the one taken for granted!!

mazzystar · 10/08/2007 21:14

he's tired, you're tired

have a chat, get drunk and snog on the sofa

then have a proper chat when you are all less tired and gently remind him that you are a team. and that you are not sitting about having pedicures and being fed peeled grapes by shirtless hunks whilst he is at work.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 10/08/2007 21:15

Oh no, he should be thankful you are not charging him for round the clock child care, home adminitration, etc.

Go away for 2 weeks and let him deal with everything, soon he will realise that woeking is easier

Original poster
hermykne · 10/08/2007 21:15

i think he is totally alien to toher peoples lives and how they live, whereas me and my firiends know all baout each others set ups.

OP posts:
Gobbledigook · 10/08/2007 21:15

I'm with expat. Ridiculous.

funnypeculiar · 10/08/2007 21:16

kind of agree with tutter - if he expects you to thank him for working, he should thnk you for looking after his kids. Ideally, yes, you should prob both appreciate each other's roles/contributions...

tribpot · 10/08/2007 21:16

Well, one way you could tell would be to say 'you stay at home and I'll go out to work'. See what the response is then.

In fairness, dh brings in a wage in our flat (kinda really his) which we rent out (only because I sorted it out). I earn most of the money in our household. Should dh thank me for that? Erm, no. That's my job.

Seriously - and in a continued Xenia theme, I apologise if Xenia is behind me on this thread - I would say "fine, reduce your hours, I'll do x job and you'll pick up the slack". It will so never happen.

paulaplumpbottom · 10/08/2007 21:16

Tell him where to get off. This is a partnership after all

aloha · 10/08/2007 21:19

Did he actually ask you to thank him? Does he enjoy his work? 24hour shifts sound hard. Maybe he's trying to say he wants a different job and finds the burden of earning all the money oppressive and wants to find something else and a new way of living? I think you need to talk to him without being defensive. What you are doing is hard too, absolutely. It is easy for both of you to feel defensive and taken for granted but maybe there is another way that can mean you both get more of what you want out of your family life.

meandmy · 10/08/2007 21:19

i feel for you as i am to a SAHM and rely on dp's wages,
its hard when they dont understand what we do all day what we do with there children all day aswell as the housework, bills etc
i have however had the shoe on the other foot and havw been the main earner so i understand how it feels!

Spidermama · 10/08/2007 21:21

It's natural to want to be appreciated. You're probably both working so hard that you don't find the teim to appreciate each other.

Being the only earner is a burden. Doing the lion's share of the domestic stuff and the child rearing is too.

Original poster
hermykne · 10/08/2007 21:22

tutter i think he is looking for thanks basically - i dont think we clarified how that was to be expressed

mazzystar - definitely tired! nice idea , but he doesnt drink. i do but am off it after a night out with girls on tuesday!

i would think my thanks are evident in a nice home, nice food on the table cooked by me, good kids most of the time, i entertain our friends more so than them us, i arrange things for us to do that are enjoyable.

i dont spend a fortune on frivilous pedicures as mazzy echoed! need my hair done and its going to cost £ 90 and i feel guilty about that (and the stuff i just bought on boden)

Team effort - need to remeber that i suppose.

OP posts:
SenoraPostrophe · 10/08/2007 21:23

tell him you'll thank him when he thnks you for all the cooking/cleaning/early mornings etc.

Tutter · 10/08/2007 21:23

"i would think my thanks are evident"

i do think that you have to say it sometimes

this goes for him too though

aloha · 10/08/2007 21:25

What about, 'you know I agree we get so caught up in how hard we work that we forget that it's a team effort. I know how hard you work and I really appreciate it. How do you feel about your job at the moment? How's it going?'

Original poster
hermykne · 10/08/2007 21:29

tuuter i actually thanked him earlier today tfor taking kids out while i finished a mood board for some interior design stuff i am doing for a friend

his job is a great job, he loves it. works 3 shifts over 6 days and get 3/4/5 days off and then another 3 shifts. he flies helicopters and loves it. and i allow him downtime from it by encouraging him to go out when he gets home (biking, shooting his hobby, friends house) or i take kids out if he needs a bit of pieace to get his head together if its been a busy shift.

its seldom he would "instinctively" do the same to me

OP posts:
mazzystar · 10/08/2007 21:29

i agree with aloha

time for some nice positive reinforcement

just do the snogging then

it can't hurt

berolina · 10/08/2007 21:29

As a former FT WOHM with a SAHD, I can understand how a sole-earning WOHP can feel s/he gets the raw deal - I certainly felt like that when I was working FT, not by choice, and desperately trying every minute I could to cach up on the mothering experience I felt I was missing out on. We now each bring in about half the family income, and what a lot better it is.

Original poster
hermykne · 10/08/2007 21:29

aloha - why cant i think as clearly as you?

OP posts:
berolina · 10/08/2007 21:32

(hermykne, in case that's not clear I'm not saying you should go back to work - I would dearly love to be a SAHM, and am looking forward to my impending year off with our second baby - am just offering a possible view on it from your dh's perspective)

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