Husband seeing prostitute.

[Ifeellikeivebeenkickedinthegut]

I found out yesterday that my husband is not who I thought.
I took his ipad for our child to use and as I unlocked it I saw a we page for cam girls.
I went back into his office to rib him about looking at girls/porn (I didn't realise it was a cam girl page initially, I thought it was one of those classified pages that pops up during porn) and his face dropped when I showed him in. Immediately I knew my first thoughts were wrong and something was going on.
He jumped up and tried to snatch it back off me. I kept telling him to tell me the truth, but he kept saying he was. Eventually he admitted he had spent £50 in credits on a cam girl page.
He eventually gave me the passwords and I managed to find that actually he had spent at the very least £400 and spent a few girls money direct.
I was gutted and furious. We had a friends child over as well as my child so I had to stay calm.
He went out to get dinner. My child fell asleep and I got his ipad back out to torture myself some more. The site was really hard to navigate but I managed to find some reviews he'd left. It was very clear from the reviews that he had met up with women. 4 of them. He had also bid on a 5th.
I feel sick. I confronted him. All he keeps saying is he is sorry.

I don't know what to do. I feel sick. It's his birthday today. Obviously I cancelled all plans. He is just acting really nice and helpful at the moment. Says he loves me and will do anything to make it work. I feel like he feels remorseful because he has got caught.
I never ever in a million years have thought he would do anything like this to me, us. Our family.

40teapot has some great points. I would get him out the house for a week so that you can get some space (with some extra help / cleaner babysitter paid for by him). He needs to feel scared you could walk and you need to feel powerful. Still see each other for counselling but no home comforts for him. He can't have it both ways. Sending support xox

He's really not a good dad op if he's used family money to buy sex and left a cam site on the ipad his son uses.

He's a shit husband for cheating on you. None of us can tell you what to do, but that's a hell of alot of councilling and trust that has to happen here.

If you stay, you're going to have to close your eyes quite tight. Frequent punters don't give it up.

OP, I know this is very hard for you to take in. That's ok.

But the thing is you THOUGHT this was out of character for him. You couldn't have predicted it. But it IS in character. This is his character. It may take a while for you to accept this but it is true.

You need an STI check immediately. You really do - even if it has been a few years since you had sex because this may not be a recent thing. You don't know. You would have sworn he never used a prostitute before you knew this so you have to accept that your understanding of what he is capable of is wrong - because he has deliberately lied to you.

Please also do not go to counselling with him. First go to counselling on your own. As a pp said you need some place to process this and talk about it where the other person in the room is only there for you - not for the both of you.

People who are separated aren't part-time parents. They are full time parents who don't live together. You may want your son to have both parents living in the same house. But do you also want your son to have a mother who buries her outrage at her husband buying sex from prostitutes? He already has a dad who thinks that is ok. Does he need a mother who thinks so too?

You don't have to make any decision right now - you are still in shock. But that means you don't have to start trying to understand/repair/ either. Do nothing with him. Tell him you are trying to get to grips with the terrible truth (which isn't a bj with a condom - my dog wouldn't believe that one). Then get some counselling for you. just you.

OP, the relationship that you know and love, is dead and buried. Your relationship will never be the same again.

You think this is out of character. Out of character is doing it once and never doing it again. This is re-occuring, that's just who he is. Once is a mistake, a second time is a choice.

You are staying with a man that disrespected you in the lowest form just so your child doesn't have to deal with parents splitting. Children are strong and resilient. You are a good mum and you say this man is a good dad, that's what matters. You can bring up son perfectly fine as a split family. Do not stay with this disgusting scum for your sons sake. Show your son a good example, that treating women this way is disgusting and will not be tolerated.

It looks like you've already made your mind up. I do feel sorry for you OP, I know how much strength and courage it takes and you have to really dig deep to find it. I'm just sorry that you feel like you have to stay with this man. You will never trust him again and your relationship is ruined for the rest of your life, and deep down I think you know this.

If you are willing to be cheated on with a prostitute for the rest of your life, then stay with this man. He will not stop, trust me.

Oh dear, you have been used for years, why did someone so much older than you pick you?

Bidding on humans? How is this the world we live in? Absolutely disgusting.

It just goes to show how women are treated in society when even supposed ‘nice’ family men think it’s ok to bid on a woman like she’s a fucking object.

LTB OP. You deserve better. Also get an STI year ASAP because I am almost certain that the bj with a condom nonsense is utter bollocks.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. However, it isn’t your fault and it’s not up to you to live a life of misery in order that he can be a full time dad. HE did this not you.

I'm sorry to hear this OP truly this must be hard for you.

Ok, so I'm going to be brutally honest, please don't take this as me having a go because I also realise there are two sides to every story, but I picked up on one comment you made;

We have no sex life, hardly talk in the evening etc.

I find it difficult when relationships hit the wall and there is no sex and communication that you wouldn't realise there is something drastically wrong before this point? It's not reasonable to be in a relationship without sex or talking imo.

He is wrong for his behaviour and I'm not giving him a pass on this basis. He should have ended the relationship before going and bidding on other women. But surely you must have realised something wasn't right sooner?

I advise you to leave him if you came here for advice. I also would advise in future relationships that when you stop having sex and talking in the evenings that it is a bigger problem than you realise that needs fixing ASAP. Very very few people will put up with that kind of relationship without either ending it or cheating.

And if it still can't be fixed you are better off without each other. It's not reasonable to expect someone to be in a relationship like this, kids or no kids.

I really don't want my post to come across as being harsh I'm just being honest with you OP.

Xx

O also dot want you to think my post is trying to blame you OP I'm not, he has not right doing what he did at all - but I suppose I'm trying to say we cannot control other peoples behaviour sadly so when we see signs we have to get out quick or fix it.

He is berry deceitful and mean human being and should have ended the relationship before getting to a point of sleeping with prostitutes, X

Every time he leaves the house, says he’s with ‘friends’, you’ll be wondering to yourself whether he is meeting someone. That trust is gone. He also lied which will make you doubt anything he ever says.
I know because I was cheated on and he lied repeatedly about who he was seeing and where he was going. He said he was sorry only to carry it on. I don’t trust him or believe a word he ever says about where he’s going. It tortured me.
He’s now my ex and saving a deposit to leave so he can rent somewhere.

Bastard. Grim behaviour.

You don't need this shit. If he was 'present' in family life then he wouldn't do this.

Utterly disrespectful - he needs to go.

What a fucking cunt.

I'm so sorry

Echoing others. Dont go to counselling with him. Go on your own but I would advise not yet. You must be in a deep and pround shock. It would be a waste of money.

This is the time for your friends.

Big un mumsnetty hug.

What a horrible prick. Bidding on other humans for sex is horrendous. You deserve so much better.

Bidding for sex is terrible and shocking.
He will do it again as people always do if they are let off the first time. You’ll torture yourself with thinking about it. Its awful for you OP

BJ wearing a condom? Sure,and I have a unicorn grazing on my front lawn! Find your spine and leave the perverted bastard!

If those women did it to pay off debt, feed their kids or pay their rent, it's out of desperation.

But the men bidding wouldn't give that a second thought, as long as they are o.k

You sound so naive - get rid of him before he ruins yours and your son's life!

Do you work/are you financially independent? I suspect he has done that a long time, he wasn’t just browsing, was he. It wasn’t a split moment when feeling lonely, it’s proactively putting an ad (very very lonely so needs two girls not just one), leaving reviews. Never heard of the bidding thing but it sounds vile.

He sounds like he has a good job so I am assuming the minimising (down to what you can prove), alleged remorse, affectionate loving behaviour is to brainwash you so you don’t take him to the cleaners.

A good dad? Is it the role model you want for your son?

I am truly sorry OP, you are shell shocked, re-read the thread over and over and get angry x

In the wave of disgust I didn't even think about what Littlewave above said. A good dad? This is the role model you want for your son? Think about all the hidden messages he'll be passing to your son when he not only believes it's ok to cheat on your wife but that women are a commodity that you can bid on, that the highest bidder gets to stick his dick in her, not because she consented and wants it, but because he's willing to pay more. THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE SAYING YOU WANT YOUR SON TO LEARN IF YOU STAY WITH HIM.

Ew. I could never forgive that. Dump and move on.

How are you feeling today @Ifeellikeivebeenkickedinthegut? I hope you're taking some time to look after yourself. I know you've probably done this already but make sure you have copies of everything for if you need them later. Now is really a time for you to concentrate on yourself rather than him, the reality of what hes done won't change if you take a couple of days for yourself

Stoneagemum I have absolutely not been used for years. So what we have an age gap?!

We are going to see a professional and see if we can work it through together. He is having a std test tomorrow.

There is literally no issue regarding using family money, we wouldn't ever notice it missing and my son is not affected in the slightest by him spending it

OMG seriously !!!!

DUDE WTF HE WAS BIDDING ON WOMEN LIKE PROPERTY! DON'T LET THIS MAN RAISE A SON