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Original poster

DH wants to apply for new job 700k away.

104 replies

StartupRepair · 19/09/2019 00:48

Name changed for this. Married 22 years, one DD at uni, one DD in final school year. I have a relatively new job here which I really love. DH has suddenly announced that he has seen this job, it is what he would really love and he thinks we could make it work. I feel as if he is proposing a separation. We haven't had a great last year or two, both a bit snappy. He envisages me keeping the show on the road here and him coming back every couple of weeks.
He mentioned it to younger DD who is in tears and also feels that it is him checking out of the family.
Could we make it work? Or is it the death knell for our relationship? Should I be encouraging and supportive? I feel hurt and anxious.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 20/09/2019 06:22

It can definitely work, my ex has a career that he takes him away from the UK for months at a time, he doesn’t stay in one place for more than a few days.

Yes, I would have preferred to keep him here all to myself, but I would be a huge hypocrit to deny him a career he loves when that’s how I feel about my own career.

At times it was hard as we missed each other, we would talk regularly on facetime, sometimes it wasn’t possible as he did have some runs with very little free time.

We visited each other when we could, he would sometimes fly home for 12 hours if he was near the UK, other times we would have a few days or even a week in the UK.

He then returned to the UK once his travels were over and I had him back for 13 months before the travel started again. The second time I took a gap year from work and went with him, it was lovely, but it was work for him, not a holiday so you still need to be realistic.

The travel didn’t end the relationship, it was something out of both our controls that meant we couldn’t be together anymore.

KatherineJaneway · 20/09/2019 06:35

For some this arrangement can work, for others it doesn't.

My first question to him would be has he spoken to the company about the role and flexible working or is this 'coming back every few weeks' a carrot he can dangle so he can apply for the job then drop the bombshell later that he doesn't have flexibility?

Has he even factored the cost of travel and the travel time? How will he afford to live away?

Oblomov19 · 20/09/2019 06:42

The fact that you saw it as 'checking out' of the relationship. And the fact you told you dd right at the beginning of the discussion, speaks volumes.

OLP2019 · 20/09/2019 06:55

Either way one of you is giving up your dream job! You clearly have yours but he's not allowed to even mull it over ? Is there a compromise ?

PeriComoToes · 20/09/2019 07:06

But why should OP be prepared to 'up sticks' because DH wants to fuck off away from the family home/area where kids have their friends, where they have their friends, where they have built a life? Unless of course they've always moved around but it doesn't sound like it.

OP clearly doesn't like it. That said if he really wants it then so be it. I wouldn't stop him but if it's a permanent move I would say he's beginning to check out - it's 700km not 70km and it's not just a 2 year contract - which would be completely doable.

Also the grass is always greener. Wouldn't be surprised that this 'dream' job becomes relatively mundane a year in.

Loopytiles · 20/09/2019 07:07

DH is not giving up a dream job. There will be alternative opportunities closer to home.

Asking your partner to move countries, or have a long distance relationship (and do all the parenting of the teen DC still at home) after years of living together is a major request.

Thornhill58 · 20/09/2019 07:13

I'll be a100% on board. I absolutely adore my husband but he works away sometimes all week sometimes 5 weeks. Mostly abroad.
We've been together 30 years and it's great we have a lot of freedom and when we see each other is great.
It may save your marriage.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/09/2019 10:18

'World Reverberates In Shock As Man Is Told He Cannot Have It All'

read all about it

flipperdoda · 20/09/2019 12:30

Is it really a request, though? Is he actually asking you - what would he say if you said you're not happy and it's not feasible from your point of view?

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/09/2019 12:50

World Reverberates In Shock As Man Is Told He Cannot Have It All

But isn't the same happening for the OP.

She wants it all and he is rocking the boat because he would also like a job he likes

CassianAndor · 20/09/2019 12:53

I think with a child still at home it's not on, but I do know couples who have lived apart in the week (but pretty much always together at the weekend) and it's worked for them. But not with a child still at home, this is with adult children.

Original poster
StartupRepair · 20/09/2019 13:13

Thank you all so much - it is really helpful to see your responses and the mix in your responses echoes what is in my head!
To be clear - no he would not be earning 700k. The salary would be about 30% more than his current one.
I guess I am struggling because my assumption about marriage was that we had the intention to always live together. I feel as if he is saying that he does not have that as an underpinning. We have lived here for over 25 years, are very settled here and have never seriously discussed moving. I am also cross that he mentioned it to DD before I had my head around it.
I would love him to have a job that he enjoys and have been encouraging him to look for one, but in the large city that we live in!
If he had put it as " I would love to go for this job- is there any way we can make it work?" I would be more on board. But his tone is ' I'm going to apply for this' which is why it feels like initiating a separation to me. Also the inbuilt assumption that I will continue to provide a loving and steady home for dd2 and for dd1 on her breaks.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 20/09/2019 15:35

Take this to couple’s counselling OP.

Original poster
StartupRepair · 21/09/2019 00:21

We actually just had a good talk about it. He understands how dd and I were hurt and shocked. He is going to apply but keep consulting and checking in at every step.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 21/09/2019 02:07

That sounds positive.

VerityAl · 21/09/2019 06:46

One other thing to consider is that he will spend more on accomodation, bills etc whilst away than he will gain in earnings.

MarieG10 · 21/09/2019 07:00

He may or may not be checking out of your marriage. Only you can assess that (although I would take it as that unless it had been a strictly time limited contract)

What I can say is that he is likely to check out of your marriage after a period of time living away. He will build a new and separate wife. Make new friends and of course new women friends. Even with people that live away during the week, it becomes after so long two separate lives and the strong ones manage it but is tricky

Given the open ended nature of it, I would refuse as I would not be prepared with all the heartache coming down the path, coupled with his selfishness. I would separate and divorce now whilst you are friends and not when the anger and bitterness hits when he has an affair

IdiotInDisguise · 21/09/2019 07:12

I wouldn’t move OP, new job or not your life is changing. One kids has moved out, the next one will too next year, on this situations your life changes, you may feel a bit redundant as a mother, sad about the children going and at that time you really need your network of support around you.

You say the relationship has not been good for a couple of years, he is happy to go away from you already. It is difficult to keep a strong relationship working when you change its context, if there are cracks already, it will end anyway. So... better for it to end where you have your house, your friends, your family and most importantly, a job you love.

IdiotInDisguise · 21/09/2019 07:15

... and you may be surprised. I thought my life was going to fall in disarray the moment my ex left. It was bliss, I didn’t realise how much extra work he caused and how miserable he made fell me until he moved out. It was as if the Sun had come out.

Bembridge124 · 21/09/2019 07:23

He wants to separate and this is the way he is telling you

ragged · 21/09/2019 07:30

What is your (tearful) DD doing after she finishes school?
I'm just surprised b/c my almost 18yo DD wouldn't react like that at all, and she is great buddies with her dad. But she'd be happy to go visit him...

Ifeellikedoing · 21/09/2019 07:45

I think you should encourage him to find out more.

The dc are older he wouldn’t be leaving you do do all the childcare.

Find out the costs of living away and commuting home on the weekends. And have a really open discussion about why he is keen.

Once our dc are grown there are a number of work opportunities I would like to consider that would mean moving away from dh, but that doesn’t mean I want to end our marriage.

FinallyHere · 21/09/2019 08:46

One other thing to consider is that he will spend more on accomodation, bills etc whilst away than he will gain in earnings.

Why would @VerityAl assume this to be the case? We have read that the uplift is 30% probably gross, need to work out what the actual net figure would be. 30% uplift in pension is not to be sneezed at.

It would be more useful to get some estimates of costs for travel and accommodation, even before he is offered the role.

And use any interviews to find how how flexible the potential employer would be, to allow for example compressed gourds allowing g a late start in Monday's / leave early Fridays.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/09/2019 17:06

The salary would be about 30% more than his current one.

Will this be enough to completely cover the costs of supporting a second household? Because I'd sure as hell be unhappy if I found out I'd have to change lower my standard of living to support his 'new' life!!! And what about transportation? Is he going to expect to take off with the family car or buy a new one in his new location? Will that 30% also cover airfare back and forth for him, you, & DDs for visits? Because if this happens, I'd sure as hell make my presence known in this 'new life' by visiting him (and expecting to socialize with his new friends) and not just having him fly home!

Honestly, there are sooo many unanswered questions about his 'plans'. It's like he just wants to trot off to this new life with no forethought about the practicalities.

He is going to apply but keep consulting and checking in at every step

What's that supposed to accomplish? Does he think that if he 'consults' and 'checks in' with you that will pacify you make you suddenly love the idea? Phffft! It's just paying you lip service to make you feel you have some say in this. Do you seriously think he's going to take all the steps and interviews to get this job and then suddenly say at the final offer "No, sorry, can't do that. The wife doesn't like it". Hell, no he's not going to do that!

When my DH took the out of town job, he'd been out of work for close to 2 years due to a work injury & then retraining. He plastered our area with applications once he had his new qualification but there were just no openings. We were barely making it on my salary and a bit of help from my parents. It was pretty much a 'no brainer' that he'd have to take any job offered and we'd make it work but he'd continue to pursue jobs closer to home. We ended up moving to where his job was after 2.5 years of him only home weekends. But that's not your situation. Your DH could look for a better job closer to home.

I'm not saying that a 'commuter marriage' can't work. It can, but ALL parties have to be 100% in.

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/09/2019 08:33

I didn’t think this was about money.

If it was, then op could get a job in the new location

This is about him enjoying his job the same as op is