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Original poster

DH wants to apply for new job 700k away.

104 replies

StartupRepair · 19/09/2019 00:48

Name changed for this. Married 22 years, one DD at uni, one DD in final school year. I have a relatively new job here which I really love. DH has suddenly announced that he has seen this job, it is what he would really love and he thinks we could make it work. I feel as if he is proposing a separation. We haven't had a great last year or two, both a bit snappy. He envisages me keeping the show on the road here and him coming back every couple of weeks.
He mentioned it to younger DD who is in tears and also feels that it is him checking out of the family.
Could we make it work? Or is it the death knell for our relationship? Should I be encouraging and supportive? I feel hurt and anxious.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 19/09/2019 11:07

The question is why are you fretting about a hypothetical job and not the actual problems in the relationship. If he is checking out as suggested then he will do it anyway and if he is unhappy he will become unhappier if nothing changes. Stopping him applying for the job isn’t going to keep him if he is half way out the door now the children are grown up and off to university.

It’s time to have a big talk about where you both are now the children are leaving home. He may just want change. He may want out of the marriage. He may want both. But you need to ask and you need to get the truth. Otherwise if you stop him he will find another outlet for his discontent or he will become depressed. On here that means OW or mid life crisis or both.

What are you trying to achieve here and why? As others have suggested it’s not unheard of for people (men and women) to work away during the week. Especially with adult children.

FaFoutis · 19/09/2019 11:11

My dh works away all week and only comes back at weekends. It's not that unusual.
It's fine. The children get used to it and it makes you think about using your time well.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/09/2019 11:53

Well the answer is no, it won't be made to work because you are saying a big fat NO to him making a unilateral decision to hand you allllll the responsibility for everyday life and your joint children!

No. He can't take a job 700k away because he has children here who he is jointly responsible for. The end.

If he wants a separate life and to renege on his responsibilities, then you divorce, and it will then be a case of deciding how much of your joint assets will then come to you as a consequence of being forced to take on that extra responsibility.

The end!!!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/09/2019 12:01

Unless you are all ( and that includes the kids) completely happy then 'sod that'!!

So he gets to live the life of reily, away from all responsibilities for the vast majority of time, then swam back and play happy families when he wants to, whilst you sort the practicalities of running a house and being a single Mum. Ok your dc are older and more self sufficient, but it's still responsibility.

This is the time, now your kids are more self sufficient, to start planning 'your' (you and your dh), time and the next stage in your lives together. All the dirty nappies and sleepless nights are behind you, it 'should' be the time you start to do things you, as a couple want, not just him! I'd have a very serious think about what YOU want in the future

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2019 12:09

I would be upset that he's told your DD before you had even discussed it properly, seems like he's just decided no matter what you say? This kind of arrangement wouldn't be for me, if he's leaving then he's leaving properly. Atleast that way you don't spend years in limbo and can move on

LenoVentura · 19/09/2019 12:18

10 years ago my DH took a job in another country without consulting me and with less than two weeks notice. I couldn't believe it and nor could any of our family and friends. I took the view that he had left me and still refer to that period now as "when you left me". He doesn't get it. Yes we had older DC (younger one was in A level year) so that wasn't so much the issue, but it was still a massively twattish thing to do.

I went out to visit him once he was settled into an apartment and it was deeply uncomfortable - basically I was a visitor in his house. By the time the contract was over a year later, I had sort of come to terms with it, but it still rankles, especially as we now go back there for holidays and to visit the friends he made there.

The best advice I got at the time was from my DM, who is married to a foreigner who went back to his home country for a spell at one time. She said she'd gone along with it so that he could never turn round and say "if not for you..."

Loopytiles · 19/09/2019 12:20

Are you in counselling for the relationship problems?

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2019 12:21

@LenoVentura both you and the OP have said your children were in their final school years (or college, is that what you call A Level year?) That's evenmore selfish, not even taking into account who this will effect their children in Exam years. Both sound a bit mid life crisis selfish asshole behaviour

LenoVentura · 19/09/2019 12:28

Arya my DS asked me if I was planning to go and live with his father in x place. I said no, obviously not as I had to get him through his A Levels. He said that he'd be quite happy at home alone and would probably enjoy it Grin Wink. Not. A. Chance. And anyway, I had my own job and would have found it difficult to work in my sector without fluency in the local language. It didn't seem to make much difference to DS to be fair. He liked going out to visit his father in the holidays as it was in a popular and sunny holiday place. As it turned out we saw each other every six weeks or so, mostly me going out there - DH came home twice, once just for the weekend of his DB's big birthday party.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/09/2019 12:29

Why not join him when youngest DD is presumably off to uni.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2019 12:31

He said that he'd be quite happy at home alone and would probably enjoy it

haha I bet he would :P But glad it didn't affect him too much.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 19/09/2019 12:36

What’s his intended set up in the potential new location? Company accommodation, digs, or an independent rental?

LenoVentura · 19/09/2019 12:39

Arya I think younger ones would be affected more tbh. It's easy to explain to older DC and mine weren't uncomfortable with the slight ambiguity of the situation - they're very busy with their own lives at that age and nothing else changed. We're also a very independent couple and don't live a nine-to-five sort of life, so the DC were a bit "meh, nothing to see here" about it all really. Not me - I was furious Grin.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2019 12:44

@LenoVentura but your marriage survived it. Did you ever figure out what it was all about? Do you think it just was about wanting that job?

Original poster
StartupRepair · 19/09/2019 12:57

What am I looking for? I am seeking opinion s about whether this is a reasonable request from DH. Is it workable or is it the death knell? DH doesn't understand why I am reacting because he 'hasn't got the job yet.:

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2019 13:00

What am I looking for? I am seeking opinion s about whether this is a reasonable request from DH. Is it workable or is it the death knell?

It depends on what you would be happy with. It wouldn't work for me, I wouldn't be happy with a long distance relationship

justasking111 · 19/09/2019 13:02

You are a year away from an empty nest. So would you be prepared to up sticks and find a new job near his job?

soulrunner · 19/09/2019 13:05

Why not join him when youngest DD is presumably off to uni.

Because the OP has her own life and a job she loves. Why should she trail around after her husband, once she's completed the child rearing that he can't be fucked with?

pumkinspicetime · 19/09/2019 13:06

DH worked in another country for a couple of years. We didn't move because it didn't work for the family and dc were in primary school.
He was away 50% of the month so less than your DH. We managed and it became our normal but I'm not sure I'd want to do it again unless we had to.

soulrunner · 19/09/2019 13:08

Look, marriages come in all shapes and sizes. There's no "right or wrong" way to be married. Some long distance relationships work. Some don't work. However, when you make a unilateral decision to relocate away from the family, thereby abdicating going responsibility for a child, you dont get to be surprised when the other partner says "dont bother coming back"

LenoVentura · 19/09/2019 13:10

Arya I think it was a combination of things - it was an opportunity to earn twice as much as he would normally earn in a year for doing a very easy job in a nice place. He was immensely flattered to asked to do it and I think he thought it might last longer than it did. I also think he kidded himself that I would go with him. So, in short, utter selfishness Hmm.

Startup I don't think it's unreasonable of him to think of applying for the job per se, and no decisions need to be made unless he gets it. I'd let it play out, while making it clear that he needs to spend some time thinking through the implications with you, so that he knows what his answer is if and when he's offered it (or he decides to exit the process).

123space · 19/09/2019 13:17

Fuck no I wouldn't be happy with that. It is bullshit that he thinks he can permanently live away from his family and you'll just be there waiting for him, keeping it all together.

hellsbells99 · 19/09/2019 13:19

A couple of my friends have DHs that work away during the week. They have managed to get it where they leave very early Monday morning (4am) and generally get back on a Thursday evening and work from home on the Friday.
My DH worked away at times when the children were young (out of necessity). He does the odd stint away now but I have friends and go to the gym etc so its fine. We have talked more about it again recently as his job isn't looking secure, and again he may work away if needs be.

Original poster
StartupRepair · 19/09/2019 13:19

I don't want to move with him because I have a job I really love. Four days a week, interesting, meaningful work and great colleagues.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 19/09/2019 13:24

On paper - a reasonable request would be him saying to you very tentatively, I would be interested in this BUT obviously it would effectively mean a massive change in your life as much as mine so what do you think - and NOT mentioning it to your DD.

Then when you obviously said no thanks I actually don't fancy suddenly becoming a single parent to two and having you 'visit' for fun times every six weeks (!!) he would drop it immediately as it's pretty much a given that any sane person with an interest in maintaining their actual marriage would laugh in your face.

However it's such a game changer of a request that yes, there is an element of this which is unreasonable full stop. So, he would actually look at that setup and think 'Yes, I'd love that - I'd love living away from my kids, I'd love to start a new life and see my family as a visitor less than once a month, I'd be cool with heaping the entire responsibility for our home and kids and life onto my wife.' - ??

On paper it is not unreasonable to suggest the possibility of taking any job to your partner to discuss. In reality, if my DH suggested it, it would call our entire relationship into question, and I would be especially devastated at the thought that he'd happily live separately from his youngest child at a pretty crucial time in their lives.