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Relationships

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Original poster

DH wants to apply for new job 700k away.

104 replies

StartupRepair · 19/09/2019 00:48

Name changed for this. Married 22 years, one DD at uni, one DD in final school year. I have a relatively new job here which I really love. DH has suddenly announced that he has seen this job, it is what he would really love and he thinks we could make it work. I feel as if he is proposing a separation. We haven't had a great last year or two, both a bit snappy. He envisages me keeping the show on the road here and him coming back every couple of weeks.
He mentioned it to younger DD who is in tears and also feels that it is him checking out of the family.
Could we make it work? Or is it the death knell for our relationship? Should I be encouraging and supportive? I feel hurt and anxious.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 19/09/2019 13:27

My cousins husband did this too. It didn't end well. My cousin discovered an affair after a few years of this working arrangement. He denied at first but fessed up when he passed on an sti! It was easily hidden as he had a flat near his job. He left that job but it's never been the same between them since.

EBearhug · 19/09/2019 13:49

DH doesn't understand why I am reacting because he 'hasn't got the job yet.

No, but you still need to discuss it. Is there any way it could be workable for you? If he took it and only came home once a fortnight, does that mean the end of the marriage? Because questions like that, he needs to think about now. If workIng flexibly might be an option, that's something he might need to ask some questions about in interview.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2019 13:55

I don't want to move with him because I have a job I really love. Four days a week, interesting, meaningful work and great colleagues.

has he suggested you do that or is he happy enough to move away without you ever living with him again?

NewMe2019 · 19/09/2019 14:06

I wouldn't be happy with this. It would be job = end of relationship for me. What's the point. He he gets to do exactly what he wants and swans in and out knowing that you are doing everything and your happiness means nothing to him.

How did he even see this job all that distance away?

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/09/2019 14:08

I don't want to move with him because I have a job I really love. Four days a week, interesting, meaningful work and great colleagues

I would wait till he actually got the job first. But if he did and wanted to take it once youngest is off to uni why not have 2 homes. It seems you are more flexible than he is. You can do your job and every other "weekend" you could spend it with your dh in the new location. Leave work on the Thursday and return Sunday night and then he spends Friday night to Sunday night back with you.

There are solutions to every problem. Loafs of people have long distance relationships.

Dp before being ill would spend at least 2 weeks in every 4 in different locations around the globe. For 12 years whilst the DC were growing up.
Before that he has done spates of a couple of years here and there working away

0lga · 19/09/2019 14:12

No it’s not a reasonable request IMO. How would be react if you did this - moved away hundreds of km and popped back on the odd weekend to enjoy family life?

It means that he has all the good bits of family life but none of the ties or work. And you have all the stress and work of being a single parent but without any of the freedom to date etc.

Even if you don’t actually divorce, living apart will end your relationship as it seems to be on its last legs anyway.

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2019 14:13

Your youngest will likely leave home next year op, so really you'll be on your own. There is no reason why you can't go and see him and him you and you make it work.

Your daughter is emotionally blackmailing her father, splitting up the family, mum wouldn't have done this and this isn't ok. She is clearly aware you don't want this to happen and is trying to fight your battle. Letting her is an abuse of power.

He isn't breaking up thr family, this is your take on it. Not his from what you say.

You and your husband need to decide this together. And then discuss with your kids. Not get them using emotional language like you describe.

Whichever way you cut it op, you can force him to not go for the job but he will resent you for it, or you can accept next year your kids will both be adults, you will likely have an empty nest and you can try to make it work.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/09/2019 14:15

If he did get this job the alternative is he moves away and you stay where you are and the relationship crumbles and he needs the family home sold so he can move on with his life.

You don't want to move because you don't want to take a job you don't want and equally he doesn't want to be forced to stay in a job he doesn't want

FinallyHere · 19/09/2019 14:58

Is it workable or is it the death knell?

Without a great many more details, the only sensible answer is 'it depends'.

It's not ideal that he appears to not have discussed it with you. In our case DH was offered a job on the other side of the world, out of the blue actually at a dinner party, so at least I knew that it was out of the blue.

I would look to the practicalities first, before considering how you feel about the whole thing.

Is it really his dream job, how much does he really know about it, how stable is it likely to be. What outside influences could make it less stable. How long would he be tied to it if it didn't live up to his expectations ?

How good is the pay? Can he (easily) cover the additional costs, including second home, and travel for him to return and you to visit him occasionally.

Also the opportunity costs, for you to have cleaning/ironing/handyman help in the home so that when he is back you can have quality time together and life is not just a round of catchup on chores How comfortable are you both with technology, using FaceTime or whatever and Shari g a diary so you are still in sync.

How good is he with his own company or is he likely to haunt the local pub for company and find the profits get drunk.

How do you feel about being on your own ?

It has worked out really well in our case but I get that it would not be for everyone. I have also worked away for extended periods of time so understand the life and also what it takes to get it to work for me.

Allow yourself to dream a little about what your ideal life would be like. And then see how it matches.

soulrunner · 19/09/2019 15:00

I can guarantee that if a woman posted on here saying she planned to move 700km from her child in their A-level year, and would pop in every couple of weeks to check in, the responses would be almost universally ‘wtf’. The concept of the mother as the default parent dies hard.

Ferretyone · 19/09/2019 15:26

Whew I misread this when I thought you wrote £700k [if so go for it]

@StartupRepair

Bloomerstv · 19/09/2019 15:32

I think it can work if your marriage is strong in the first place. Yours doesn’t sound like it is currently though so I agree it could be him distancing himself from you. If you aren’t getting on too well though maybe it is the space you need to get things back on track. I would be having a serious discussion about this though. It shouldn’t just be a done deal.

Ragwort · 19/09/2019 15:38

It’s hard to give you an answer as everyone’s marriage is different, personally I would be fine with that suggestion, in fact my DH has frequently worked away during our 30+ years of marriage and I love having time and space alone, particularly after the ‘baby and toddler’ years.

You admit you love your job and your colleagues and ‘don’t want to move’ but imagine how it is for your DH if he’s in a job he doesn’t really like much and would love to apply for his ‘dream’ job?

Marriages can drift apart whether you are living ‘at home’ or ‘living away’.

Talk it through, rationally and calmly.

aliensprig · 19/09/2019 15:44

@ShatnersWig I'll admit I didn't read any further than your first comment, thanks for the laugh

Not quite as far as you OP but we moved 500km last year for my husband's new job and it was hands down the best decision we've ever made for our relationship.

LemonTT · 19/09/2019 16:00

It’s a reasonable request to make as it is an option that he seriously wants to consider. People do it, men and women, for all sorts of reasons. It’s not an ultimatum.

I wouldn’t have issue at all. I have a job, my “career” days are behind me. I have hobbies and after years of not having it, my own time is important to me. I would prefer the working away in the week over a job that means he is away periodically. That’s just disruptive. But I would be ok with weekdays away.

I agree with Bluntness that it’s premature to bring your daughter into this. She will be moving on soon anyway one way or another. Developing new relationships and living her own life.

Loopytiles · 19/09/2019 16:25

It would be a MORE reasonable request if he properly consulted you, considered the implications for you and the DC, suggested it could be for a specific amount of time, and would be prepared not to apply if (as it seems) you definitely didn’t want to go.

But the way he’s gone about it doesn’t bode well with regard to your relationship and also seems inconsiderate of the DC. Gives the impression that he is looking for a future for himself personally.

Loopytiles · 19/09/2019 16:26

Teen DC is not U to have an opinion about her father’s plans.

BarbedBloom · 19/09/2019 16:38

This would be a deal breaker for me. I hate long distance and my view is also coloured by the fact two couples I personally know divorced after doing this - one set grew apart and in the other, husband had an affair.

Obviously it works well for some people as every relationship is different, but for others it doesn't. In your case too there are already issues in the relationship and there is no potential end date given you don't want to relocate.

If he does get it I imagine he will accept so I would decide once and for all if you can live with it or whether you are better separating. Personally i would have expected a discussion before he ever applied, not for it to be presented as a done deal

Knitclubchatter · 19/09/2019 16:40

OP I’ve only skimmed the pages, how much MONEY are you talking about? If the proposed salary was 700K per year I’d packing for him!
10-25K a year might not be worthwhile.
Will his pension transfer?
For me it’s all about the money.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/09/2019 20:29

I think for ops dh it is about hating the job he has now.

Whilst op has a nice job she doesn't want to give up, equally her dh wants a nice job too.

rvby · 19/09/2019 20:38

The question is why are you fretting about a hypothetical job and not the actual problems in the relationship

This.
OP you and dh need to get your arses in gear re the relationship. The job is a red herring.

It's not useful to speculate about what he means by wanting this job. You need to ASK him.

He may not know how to answer the question- most men struggle to even name their feelings let alone understand their cause and effect. In which case, counselling is needed to open that communication.

Fretting on about internet about what he might be thinking is not going to help you. Also, what other folk think about him BU or you NBU is neither here nor there. What are YOUR needs and values, does he know what they are, and does he care about them enough to factor them into decisions? Only you and he can work through those questions.

Haffiana · 19/09/2019 20:38

I don't want to move with him because I have a job I really love. Four days a week, interesting, meaningful work and great colleagues.

But it is not OK for him to want to move and get a job that is interesting, meaningful etc etc?

One of you is going to have to compromise.

EBearhug · 20/09/2019 01:34

But it is not OK for him to want to move and get a job that is interesting, meaningful etc etc?

Of course it's okay to want it and open a discussion on that and how to manage things if he got it, and nd what the impact would be on everyone else in the family and how to make it work for everyone. But he hasn't done that, from what the OP has said - he's applying for it, and if he gets it, he has already decided what he's going to do and he's assumed everyone else will be fine with it. It's not the job which is an issue, but treating everyone else as an irrelevance.

BlokeNumber9 · 20/09/2019 06:08

OP, you're completely happy in your job and the rest of your life, he isn't in his and he has a good opportunity. Be happy for him. And your children are grown.

Savingforarainyday · 20/09/2019 06:14

A bit irresponsible of him to upset your daughters life in her last year of school.....

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