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Original poster

New man

95 replies

Coops80 · 15/09/2019 08:11

Ok. I split from my husband 3 months ago. I’m 39 and he’s 43. We had been together for 14 years and married for 10. We have 2 girls aged 5 and 7. Last year I caught him talking to a woman on Facebook (he left himself signed in) and it was just general chat but complimenting her a lot. I confronted him and he wrote it off as banter which after a few weeks of being pissed off I accepted. Earlier this year I decided to check his phone and he’d been messaging a work colleague and it seemed more than messages. Anyway, to cut a long story short I finished with him and he moved out. Since then however he has made several attempts to reconcile with me and declares his undying love fairly often. The problem is around a month ago I met a guy through a mutual friend and we’ve got on quite well. He’s been really helpful to me and I’ve developed feelings for him. I’m now at the point where I’d like him to stay over and I’m considering asking him this however I’m not sure how to introduce him to the girls or explain to my husband I’m seeing someone as he will be upset. Also although we’ve kissed and I’m aware of what he has to work with lol we haven’t actually done it yet and I’m a bit nervous about that as I’ve been with the same man for so long and I don’t know if this is normal but I kind of feel I’d be cheating, particularly if I let him stay in my bed which still feels like a marital bed
Advice please lol

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 15/09/2019 08:19

'I’m now at the point where I’d like him to stay over and I’m considering asking him this however I’m not sure how to introduce him to the girls'

Bloody hell you've been separated 3 months and seeing this BF for a month why would you introduce him to your dc?

It's been a matter of weeks I'd slow down a tad.

SparklyMagpie · 15/09/2019 08:21

Slow the fuck down!

Do you honestly think its wise introducing someone after a month to your children?! There dad has only been gone a few months Confused

Ohmydaysmate · 15/09/2019 08:25

Have him stay but when your kids are NOT there, or stay at his when the DC are with their dad. It’s far too soon to meet children and I wouldn’t tell your DH just either. You clearly don’t want to be with him but there is no need to tell anyone after a month - far too early. Shhhhhhh

category12 · 15/09/2019 08:25

Far too early to introduce a new boyfriend to your dc. Where's your common sense?

You need a babysitter or to have him over on your childfree nights. What's wrong with a hotel or his place? Enjoy dating but fgs have a bit of restraint.

KellyHall · 15/09/2019 08:26

I didn't share any bed with another man until I was actually divorced. The time it takes to get divorced gives you time to think about you, about your future and about dc's future. It doesn't seem appropriate to be getting in to a new relationship so soon and I definitely wouldn't introduce him to dc as a partner.

If you have real feelings for each other, they'll still be there when your divorce is all over and you can be together without feeling like it has any bearing on your previous relationship with your ex-husband.

Mrshappy2019 · 15/09/2019 08:32

Maybe it’s a bit soon to introducing him to your kids? In terms of the other stuff does he have a place? You can always ask him around when the kids are at school Blush Maybe you should tell your hubby you’re seeing someone and let him sort that out in his head. I’m sure he won’t like the thought of it but he can get used to it

palahvah · 15/09/2019 08:35

Half your post is about your ex. You don't sound like you're over him.

If you are separated and moving on, it's too early to have a new guy back to your place when you have children. Go to his or book a hotel.

Clayplease · 15/09/2019 08:43

It must be a really difficult time. I have a friend who got together with a man who had a kid (approx 8 at the time) and she stayed over at his flat with the kid after I think 4-5 months of dating- she admits that was too soon and it really affected the kid. Said she wishes they had taken it slower and she's effectively the other woman - so it must have been hard on the kid for her to notice all this. 😕 I would proceed with massive caution where the kids are involved.

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 08:50

I think I confused some of you with how I worded it sorry. I don’t want him to stay over with the kids I mean maybe take the kids to the park and ‘bump’ into him there and say he’s my friend. Spend 10 minutes or so that kind of thing. I understand this is sensitive. My question about him staying over is do I tell my husband or keep it secret? I’m 100% certain I don’t want to get back with him

OP posts:
AMAM8916 · 15/09/2019 08:50

You need to calm down and think of your kids here. You've been seeing him a month, he shouldn't be meeting your kids anytime soon or staying over when your kids are there

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 08:54

It is still far too soon to have him around your kids, bumping into him in the park or otherwise. They will be going through so much with their dad leaving. Most people recommend 6 months to a year before kids meet a new partner and after just a month he's not even that.

You've also just come out of a long relationship where you were very hurt. I would recommend taking some time for yourself first rather than jumping headlong into a relationship, sexual or otherwise, with someone else.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 15/09/2019 09:00

There's absolutely no need to tell your husband - you are separated it's none of his business.
Don't orchestrate 'accidental' meet ups in the park with your children - they don't need to meet him until the relationship is serious and has some proper future and even then they should meet him properly where he is introduced to them in a careful and sensitive way.
If you want to sleep with this new bloke that's up to you but either do it at his place, at a hotel or at home when your children are not there.

category12 · 15/09/2019 09:05

Again, it's far too soon to introduce a new man to your dc, "bumping into" or not. Think more like in 6 months time. Maybe.

What's your hurry? You barely know the guy. Date him. Have fun.

MarthasGinYard · 15/09/2019 09:05

'I think I confused some of you with how I worded it sorry'

Not really

You've been dating someone 4 weeks no need to tell any of the forementioned IMO

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 09:12

It definitely seems the right advice to keep him secret from the kids and I know he’ll be fine with that

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 15/09/2019 09:19

I mean maybe take the kids to the park and ‘bump’ into him there and say he’s my friend.

No. Still waaaay too early.

My question about him staying over is do I tell my husband

No. You are (understandably) not over your husband yet or you would not even be considering telling him so soon, nor would you spend so much of your OP talking about him.

Take this new relationship slowly. Be clear with this new fella that you are not going to get serious quickly. Start divorce proceedings because your ex is a dick and you are worth better.

I’m a bit nervous about that as I’ve been with the same man for so long and I don’t know if this is normal but I kind of feel I’d be cheating

Sounds normal to me. Fake it 'till you make it.

SparklyMagpie · 15/09/2019 09:19

Tbh I think that's even worse you want to plan for your kids to "bump" into him Confused why are you wanting to rush things?!

And no, as it's been a month your husband doesn't have to know fuck all. It's only been 4 weeks.

You seem very keen to be flaunting this guy

SparklyMagpie · 15/09/2019 09:21

"I know he’ll be fine with that"

Are you actually joking? Is he the one that is actually keen on meeting your children because that's a massively odd thing to come out with

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 09:24

Sparklymagpie I said he’ll be fine keeping in the background. Why are you so wound up?

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 15/09/2019 09:24

Also find this extremely odd

SparklyMagpie · 15/09/2019 09:26

Oh I'm not wound up, I just never understand why some people are in such a rush to essentially introduce a stranger to their children the second they meet someone new

SparklyMagpie · 15/09/2019 09:29

Plus how about thinking about how your children are still processing their parents separating and you want to bring someone new in

Crazy 😂

joblotbubble · 15/09/2019 09:32

Keep him the fuck away from your children.

HTH

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 09:33

I do have a lot on my mind and to consider which is why I asked for advice on a forum, and rest assured I’ll take the advice onboard however it would have been nice not to be mocked and laughed at :(

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 15/09/2019 09:33

Also find this extremely odd

Sure the OP is not being terribly wise (probably something to do with a recent marriage breakdown) but I don't think this is noteworthy compared to some of the appalling decisions on this board every day. People do daft stuff in tough times.

She posted for advice and has been told to give her head a wobble. Hopefully that will work.