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Original poster

New man

95 replies

Coops80 · 15/09/2019 08:11

Ok. I split from my husband 3 months ago. I’m 39 and he’s 43. We had been together for 14 years and married for 10. We have 2 girls aged 5 and 7. Last year I caught him talking to a woman on Facebook (he left himself signed in) and it was just general chat but complimenting her a lot. I confronted him and he wrote it off as banter which after a few weeks of being pissed off I accepted. Earlier this year I decided to check his phone and he’d been messaging a work colleague and it seemed more than messages. Anyway, to cut a long story short I finished with him and he moved out. Since then however he has made several attempts to reconcile with me and declares his undying love fairly often. The problem is around a month ago I met a guy through a mutual friend and we’ve got on quite well. He’s been really helpful to me and I’ve developed feelings for him. I’m now at the point where I’d like him to stay over and I’m considering asking him this however I’m not sure how to introduce him to the girls or explain to my husband I’m seeing someone as he will be upset. Also although we’ve kissed and I’m aware of what he has to work with lol we haven’t actually done it yet and I’m a bit nervous about that as I’ve been with the same man for so long and I don’t know if this is normal but I kind of feel I’d be cheating, particularly if I let him stay in my bed which still feels like a marital bed
Advice please lol

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 15/09/2019 10:55

Mrs Happy we’ve kissed and cuddled which felt a little awkward at first I’ll be honest but it’s got better and better

That doesn't sound great tbh.
Are you actually really attracted to him or is he just the first bus along and you're like "yeah, go on then, I'll ride"?

Do you feel drawn to him or was he just there and you felt that you shouldnt say "no" or there might not be another one along?

You sound quite reboundy. Beware of yourself OP. Flowers

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 10:58

Picsinred no I’m very attracted to him. Physically hes amazing and he’s a good person to talk to

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 15/09/2019 10:59

Your mutual friend really doesn't know him either unless they've lived together.

Look how many posts on here from women who are with vile abusers in private but everyone outside the relationship thinks they are the most kind great citizen.

Everyone is one their best behaviour in the beginning or creeps would never get anyone.

Seriously, no need to get hung up on the first person you meet.
Make some time for some new activities that don't involve a man.

Date quite a few men before settling on one that is if you even want another one.

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 11:01

I wasn’t overriding any feelings I’ve always felt awkward kissing someone new. I feel at the stage now where I can go where I want on him and he won’t mind. Same him with me i think

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 15/09/2019 11:15

Slow right down.
There is no need on earth for him to meet your dc's, why on earth do you think he / they need to meet??
You have just come out of a fairly long marriage, whatever you say your emotions will be all over the place. No idea how you managed to meet someone so soon? You may be using this as a distraction and burying your head in the sand. Stop, do not get carried away, you are in no place to start a new relationship. Make this time all about you and your children, concentrate on that for the next 18 months and get through your divorce. There are hard times to come, the road to divorce is a very rocky one.

over50andfab · 15/09/2019 11:18

As you’ve said your husband has always been possessive, and given that he might still think there is a chance you might get back together again, you need to tread carefully. If he knows about the new man he could make things very unpleasant from now and when you decide to get divorced with the DC caught in the middle.

Perhaps tell him you are planning on dating other men rather than you have actually met someone already and take it from there.

Notcoolmum · 15/09/2019 11:23

OP I'm glad you have taken on board the advice of the thread. I think it's very easy to get caught up in the thrill of a new relationship and immediately fast forward to a place where they are a fully fledged partner. I've certainly been guilty of it.

But right now this is a new attraction. And as it's so soon after your marriage break up is likely to be a rebound fling. So enjoy it. Take it slowly. Don't mention him to your husband or children. This is something separate to all of that.

JacquesHammer · 15/09/2019 11:26

3 months post split is just asking for disaster.

You need to learn to enjoy being alone before even contemplating a new relationship.

Mrshappy2019 · 15/09/2019 11:49

I agree with others about not telling him. Why should you and you don’t know even if it’ll work out. Have no guilt sleeping with him though as long as you’re happy and safe. The marital bed is no longer the marital bed remember. Ps I hope he’s better looking and more successful than your hubby as well as that will piss him off more eventually lol

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 12:05

LOL Mrs Happy nice to have some humour in the thread Wink err younger yes, better looking yes, physically better yes, not sure about more successful however I’m sure he won’t be a fan of his

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 15/09/2019 12:14

Way too early, it's not even properly off the ground. If I had children I would be giving it one year minimum to establish who this person is, his character.. is he even safe? You cannot know him well yet, whatever your feelings are telling you.

What if it doesn't work and man number 2... number 3 comes around... I saw an old friend doing this constantly.... with an 11 year old daughter at home. Scary stuff.... remember there are untrustworthy men out there, it's not just about whether you end up together and happy or not.

Way too confusing for your children. And danger potential. You don't need to tell anyone at all. You wait and you wait and you wait some more and you don't bring a stranger into your home or around your precious family.

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 12:25

If you're determined to sleep with him then perhaps doing it away from your home would be better.

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 12:41

That’s probably a good idea. I may suggest we go away next weekend as I’m sure he’ll know why I’m suggesting it and he can then have the kids. Could say I’m going to a spa for a pamper

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 15/09/2019 12:47

Going away for the weekend with someone you've been seeing for 4 weeks. Confused

Or you could just get a babysitter and go out for the evening - including to a hotel - and then your recent ex wouldn't have any reason to know or suspect anything?

Do you want him to know?

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 15/09/2019 12:56

You sound like you'd be happy if he found out. A big fuck you to your ex. Understandable but jeez you sound like a teenager in heat.

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 13:25

No, not happy just whatever causes me the least stress

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 15/09/2019 13:30

OP your bellend of an ex lost his right to a say when he decided to start persuing other women so that's not even a part of the equation.

However I echo the other posters in that it's way too soon for introductions of any kind in regards to your children.

Keep everything quiet for now to save your children's feelings if nothing else.

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 13:33

100% the kids come first

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 15/09/2019 13:52

It's sounding like you do want your ex to know. Why would you go away for a weekend with someone you barely know and then tell the ex he needs to have the kids and he'd probably work it out? Confused

You're being silly now! I think you know exactly what you're doing and you're wanting your ex to know about it to get back at him

Cath2907 · 15/09/2019 14:17

I’m divorced and it is now 11 months since we split (we’d been married 12 yrs) and I have an 8 year old DD. I have a new... boyfriend I guess I’d call him. We’ve been seeing each other nearly 3 months now. I’ve not told my DD or my ex. She doesn’t need to know and it is none of his business. I did feel guilty at first for “cheating” even though my divorce had come through 3 months before I even met the new guy.

I like him, we are having fun. It is possible after Xmas that I might think to discuss with him about meeting DD. He is not at all in a hurry to be part of my domestic life and after the shit of breaking up with ex I am not keen to get back into another domestic situation. This way we have fun, sex, romance and no worries about dishwasher stacking or laundry.

If I was you I wouldn’t tell your kids or your ex. See the new man when the kids are with their dad. Enjoy the fun for a while!

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 14:23

Thanks Cath

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 15:49

Can't you go to his place if your ex has the kids?

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 15:52

He lives in a house share so there wouldn’t be much privacy

OP posts:
category12 · 15/09/2019 16:00

He lives in a house share so there wouldn't be much privacy

Oh god, he's going to want to move in with you in about 5 minutes.

Keep your head on straight, OP. I suggest you get over the "lack of privacy".

PositiveVibez · 15/09/2019 16:04

Oh god, he's going to want to move in with you in about 5 minutes

Yep.