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Original poster

New man

95 replies

Coops80 · 15/09/2019 08:11

Ok. I split from my husband 3 months ago. I’m 39 and he’s 43. We had been together for 14 years and married for 10. We have 2 girls aged 5 and 7. Last year I caught him talking to a woman on Facebook (he left himself signed in) and it was just general chat but complimenting her a lot. I confronted him and he wrote it off as banter which after a few weeks of being pissed off I accepted. Earlier this year I decided to check his phone and he’d been messaging a work colleague and it seemed more than messages. Anyway, to cut a long story short I finished with him and he moved out. Since then however he has made several attempts to reconcile with me and declares his undying love fairly often. The problem is around a month ago I met a guy through a mutual friend and we’ve got on quite well. He’s been really helpful to me and I’ve developed feelings for him. I’m now at the point where I’d like him to stay over and I’m considering asking him this however I’m not sure how to introduce him to the girls or explain to my husband I’m seeing someone as he will be upset. Also although we’ve kissed and I’m aware of what he has to work with lol we haven’t actually done it yet and I’m a bit nervous about that as I’ve been with the same man for so long and I don’t know if this is normal but I kind of feel I’d be cheating, particularly if I let him stay in my bed which still feels like a marital bed
Advice please lol

OP posts:
DtPeabodysLoosePants · 15/09/2019 09:41

It's easy to develop feelings for someone who's shown you interest and kindness after a break up. The end of a marriage or long term relationship makes you vulnerable. If he was a decent man he'd have no interest in bumping in to you in the park. Are you so desperate to see him that ten minutes of pretends in the park is what you want? Enjoy the rebound and attention but put your kids first ffs and keep him in the background. See him when the kids are at their dad's. They need you to be present not focusing on another man. A MONTH!!! and you want to introduce your kids to him. Their dad has only just left! Give your head a wobble as they say on here.

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 09:51

He won’t be meeting my kids anytime soon I see now how harmful that could be so this is helpful. The rest of it I’ll figure out

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 15/09/2019 09:52

Are you really over your husband after 3 months? You have a lot going on with this separation and for your children, I'm surprised you have time to think about anything else ( not being an arse, just genuinely curious)

over50andfab · 15/09/2019 09:55

OP you might think other posters are being harsh, but it’s easier to see someone else’s situation than our own sometimes, we might have been in your shoes once, so are responding due to our experiences, or those of people we know.

Perhaps consider the following, most of which already mentioned:

  1. Why do you think having another man in the “marital” bed is cheating? Might it be better to be divorced first, or at least have instructions in place with a solicitor to do so?
  2. Have you considered that you do not know how you feel about things, and might be using this new man to find out?
  3. The impact on your DC- even an orchestrated chance meet at the park - if you are considering this then it would surely lead to more - meals as a “family “ etc. Is this sending the right message to them that this is ok to do so soon after their dad has left. Kids do sense things, even at the park, and it will be a very confusing time for them. Of course they will also mention this when they see their dad...
  4. If you are going to start a new sexual relationship - remember condoms, STI testing etc!

Whatever you decide good luck, but really try not to rush and think things through first.

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 09:58

Yes that’s definitely over with but I don’t particularly want the stress of him being sad about me moving on and I don’t want to flaunt anyone. That’s why I ask do I tell him or not? The children are both happy at present or at least seem to be but yes I’d not thought about how they process things which has now given me something to think about. Maybe I didn’t explain this that well but they do always come first

OP posts:
HollysTeflonSeptum · 15/09/2019 09:58

Op no one is trying to be cruel just real.

It's very early days. You don't seem to be over your ex, and are keen for him to know about new man etc and maybe feel jealous? That's fairly natural but as a mother with kids involved you simply can't get them involved in the emotional mess. They're already dealing with their parents splitting and that doesn't get resolved overnight. You have to protect them first.

New man may be lovely, he could also be a psychopath, you've only known him a month. There's nothing wrong with being single for a bit and working out what you want.

HollysTeflonSeptum · 15/09/2019 10:00

Sorry x-posted there OP.

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/09/2019 10:01

The fact you still stay 'my husband' instead of ex, or stxh suggests you haven't made a complete mental separation from the marraige yet. Make sure new guy isn't a filler for the gap your ex has left in your life as opposed to a separate new relationship. It it a relationship you want because that's what you're used to, or a relationship with new guy specifically?

SparklyMagpie · 15/09/2019 10:03

Right I'll be real with you, it's been 4 weeks, it's VERY early days. You do NOT need to tell your husband.
Hate to be a Debbie downer, but this might not even go anywhere and fizzle out very quickly, and if it did can you imagine you've told your husband and your children and before you know it it's more for everyone to process

Enjoy your time now, you have something to look forward to, see him when the children are with your husband. See what happens, have fun ( and be safe) and let it flow naturally, no telling people who it doesn't concern

Don't give yourself more added stress

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 10:03

I understand. Perhaps I have a bit of fairytale world going on in my head and think every thing will go perfectly. I’ve had a wake up call and glad I posted this. Thank you to all

OP posts:
Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 10:06

I appreciate that sparkly magpie thank you

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 15/09/2019 10:06

I get it OP, I do

It's all new and exciting but just be careful! Its easy to get our emotions mixed up and confused, you've literally just come out of a 14 year relationship. Unless you'd already emotionally and mentally checked out a long time ago, I think you'd be fooling yourself if you thought you were fully over it

SparklyMagpie · 15/09/2019 10:06

Not a problem :)

letsdolunch321 · 15/09/2019 10:07

Why tell your DP about the new guy, he didn't think of telling you whilst texting two other women!!

As it is early days, my advice would be let the new guy woo and date you for a while before doing the deed

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 10:09

I want a relationship with him thingsdogetbetter. He’s lovely and gives me flutters. He’s completely different physically too which kind of appeals to me. I don’t trust my husband anymore (ex husband)

OP posts:
SimonJT · 15/09/2019 10:12

My son accidentally met my boyfriend of six months at the park last week, no divorce, no parent moving etc in mine and my sons situation. But I feel six months is a bit too early.

Just be careful

RantyAnty · 15/09/2019 10:19

Slow down. What's the rush?

I'd spend some time along before getting involved with anyone.

Creeps and abusers can see the vulnerability of someone just separated a mile away.

category12 · 15/09/2019 10:20

Just take it slow.

Don't rush it along. Because you're used to living with someone and domestic life, it can be tempting to just try to slot someone new in. But it's not fair on the dc. And it's possible this new relationship is a rebound, or a distraction from the divorce, or won't work for other reasons.

Instead enjoy the dating, going out, having fun. Don't make the new relationship your focus: do other things as well, new activities or hobbies, seeing more of friends. Have the new guy as a nice extra and a buzz, not the main thing.

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 10:25

Rantyanty he definitely isn’t a creep. I know him from a mutual friend that’s known him years. He’s had several opportunities where I expected him to try something and he’s not, he’s happy going at my pace

OP posts:
DtPeabodysLoosePants · 15/09/2019 10:30

Well he's not going to show you he's a creep so early on is he? He will be on his best behaviour to hook you in, even if he's not a creep. You might not see it but you are vulnerable and so are your kids. Don't be so quick to jump into a relationship. Take some time to be alone and reflect on why your marriage failed and what you have learnt from it.

SparklyMagpie · 15/09/2019 10:37

Also agree on the creep comment.

It's always best behaviour in the beginning. Look at how many relationships have gone years before that person reveals their true self
Look at love bombing etc.

Just be very careful! Your friend might know him, but you don't

Just be wary

Mrshappy2019 · 15/09/2019 10:40

Out of interest have you kissed? How did you feel then? You need to be careful with your hubby as he could get funny with mortgage and child payments. He sounds a dick but it must be hard for him if he wants to get back together and you’ve already replaced him lol

Original poster
Coops80 · 15/09/2019 10:47

Mrs Happy we’ve kissed and cuddled which felt a little awkward at first I’ll be honest but it’s got better and better and like I said I feel ready for having a night with him. I think that too over money and yeah he’s not gonna be happy. He has always been quite possessive and jealous which was ironic really as he’s a cheat and I think he’ll still see me as his

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 15/09/2019 10:51

OP, with kindness, you need to totally separate in your mind your romantic life from your maternal life - other than as applies to assessing whether the person you are dating is a risk to your children.

He is not and never will be your children's father so they can never be as comfortable with him as they were with Dad. Dad coming out of your bedroom in the morning = family and normal. Strange new man coming out of your bedroom = awkward, embarrassing, uncomfortable.

Not to mention the risk of having a man you barely even properly know friends of friends does not equal well known spending the night in your house with your children whilst you are asleep. Unwise.

Your children don't need to have anything to do with this man until you've dated for a significant amount of time and only if you plan to move in together and start a family. We're talking around 1 to 2 years, not months.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 15/09/2019 10:55

Oh OP, you sound very naive. Why are you overriding your feelings of awkwardness to pursue this man? You're coming across as a bit desperate on here so I imagine he can see it too and will take advantage of that.