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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mum cut me off I'm actually relieved but sad

87 replies

softandfluffy · 15/09/2019 08:08

A few months ago years of arguing came to a halt when my mum said she didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

When I was a dc she would act as if she didn’t want me. I have siblings and it was clear I could have second hand things, they could have new, even though I wasn’t the youngest. She was always telling me I was unkind I didn’t share like my siblings I didn’t do this like my siblings etc and she would beat me with things behind everyone’s back and then I would like play up when my relatives came round our house and she’d say to everyone somethings wrong with me I’m an awful dc. She’d encourage my siblings to beat me too and even onto adulthood if my sibling beat me she’d watch and say I deserve it.
Unfortunately over time my whole family believed her about me being awful and if I try to stick up for myself as an adult they say oh but you were always a problem. They don’t know how I was treated.
I tried to tell my siblings but again they say I deserve to be treated this way I am a horrible person. They don’t speak to me. I am disgusting and horrible according to them for one reason or another,

My mum has taken my whole family from me and continued to try to manipulate others from liking me. I will never know why. I asked her and she denies it. I look at childhood photos and she’s never near me. Always cuddling my siblings.
A few months ago she pulled me aside and said I’m not leaving you anything in my will. I’m leaving it all to your siblings. It was only then that I could truly say to myself this is real. I’m not making it up she really doesn’t like me. Of course she told no one else about this. I said I didn’t think that was ok but she shrugged her shoulders

A few days later she told me that anything she owned of value that was in my house she wants it back now (she had left some jewellery for me to take to repair (& pay for as I still pay for a lot of things for her)
She acted like I was stealing it or something she let herself in my house without asking and was going through things to get it when I caught her and said I’d happily give it back. She just kept saying over and over give me back my jewellery because I was taking too long getting it out of where I’d put it for safekeeping. I have never taken anything from anyone. I told her to get out of my house. I opened my front door and I did shout here and said get out get out of my house. I could see on her face the disbelief me daring to say anything back to her.

After she called me up and I said I’m not going to stay silent anymore about the way she treats me. I’m not pretending everything’s fine and she said didn’t want to talk to me anymore she kept pausing and leaving long silences and I kept softly saying ok that’s ok and she kept pausing as if I was going to maybe beg for her not to but in all honesty I’m so relieved. She hasn’t contacted me since. She’s also effectively cut off her granddc who she seemed to like.

I find it all bizarre and it hurts so so much but not because of her but because my siblings have a nice relationship with her and she finally confirmed I was not one of them with the whole will thing. I don’t even know why I’m rambling really, just hurting today and don’t want to tell anyone in RL what’s going on. Feel like no one will believe me. On top of this a friend told me my mums been going to everyone I know and telling them I have been so awful to her I am a nasty person.
I am just so sad as I don’t know how long I will have to put up with her damaging my friendships in a small town.

I don’t even know who she’s said it to as this friend took months to tell me as she said she didn’t know what it was all about and my mums always been such a lovely person and even now I wonder who she believed as my mum fakes being nice to everyone which again is what makes me sad. It really is only me who she seems to hate so much and I really don’t know why but it’s been from early childhood.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 15/09/2019 08:38

Sounds like you are the scapegoat. A really horrible place to be.

The good news is that once you stopped pandering she dropped you. (Same here) it May hurt, but way better then continued abuse.

Enjoy the silence. Hug your babies and tell them over and over you love them. Spend time healing and working on the new normal of her out of your life.

If someone brings something up about her just say that there are two sides to every story and, unlike her, you aren’t going around badmouthing her to others with half truths and lies. So you would like to talk about something else.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 15/09/2019 08:46

What a sad story - I'm so sorry you have been treated this way and that your siblings were complicit in your mother's abuse of you. That's terrible.

You did well to let your mother go when she said she didn't want contact with you anymore - that was courageous and by far the best thing for you. I think the bad-mouthing of you in your small town is a way of her trying to get a reaction from you but also to get her version of events heard should you tell friends what really happened. She really is a deeply vile person - it's v sad that others can't see it and seem to think she's a nice person.

There's little I would do in this situation except to make sure that my true friends knew my version of events and perspective. I wouldn't contact her directly (as that's probably exactly what she wants) but I would be making sure people knew the true story - how she and your siblings abused you during your childhood - the beatings etc.
Do you have other support from others, for example, your husband or father? Where is your Dad in all of this?
You could probably also use some form of therapy or counselling to deal with your childhood.

Lisette1940 · 15/09/2019 08:46

I've been here too OP, with two very difficult and screwed up parents. They walked out of my house when input in boundaries over poor behaviour. You can't change these people. It's very sad that you don't have a reasonable loving mother. But it sounds like you've broken the cycle of abuse. Let her go and build a happy fulfilling life with your family.

Lisette1940 · 15/09/2019 08:48

I put in, I meant

Lisette1940 · 15/09/2019 08:49

Ah, I've read about the front door moment. Good on you.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 15/09/2019 08:50

Just one other thought - any decent person hearing a mother speak about their own child as 'a horrible person' is not going to still think the mother is a nice person. Most will be thinking how could any mother speak about their own child in that way?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2019 08:52

What Aussiebean wrote. Enjoy the silence indeed and never have anything to do with your abuser mother and her favoured siblings again.

People from dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy families end up playing roles and you were assigned as the scapegoat. You were the whipping boy; the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. BTW she would also have scapegoated your children too in the process.

The permanent scapegoat permits the narcissistic mother to make sense of family dynamics and the things that displease her without ever blemishing her own role as a “perfect” mother, or feeling the need for any introspection or action. She has a ready-made explanation for fractiousness or any other deviation from what she expects her family to look like. Similarly, the attention of the other children in the family is directed away from how the mother acts and, instead, is focused on the one person who’s “messing it all up.” Indeed this is what happened to you from childhood onwards.

The pattern is much more scarring to individual development when being the scapegoat is permanent. That is often the hallmark of the mother high in narcissistic traits who loves playing games and favourites to keep herself at the center of attention.

Ultimately you need to grieve for the family life you deserved rather than the one you actually got.

You do not mention your father at all in any of this, is he still around?.

softandfluffy · 15/09/2019 09:36

Yes my mum is still married to my dad but he was always there when she was clearly doing not nice things to me and she got to him very early on saying I was a terrible dc. she would often take my siblings out and leave me with him. He was kind in these moments but would follow her lead in front of her.
As he’s seriously ill now he has written his will leaving everything to my Mum which I can only presume why she has mentioned hers to me. I didn’t want to tell him about her saying she’s leaving nothing to me but I did eventually, he is often in bed so the only time I could catch him alone was there but he rolled over pretending he didn’t hear me. I know he did but he’s too ill to do anything and tbh he never made any changes when I was young he won’t now. Since my mum cut me off I haven’t heard from him either. He also told me when I last went to their house he wanted items back from many years ago that I thought he’d given to me. Originally he said they were a gift to me but I gave them back straight away as I didn’t want to affect him being ill.
When I gave them back he said now he will sell them. They don’t need the money so I can only think my mums turned him against me as well because it all seemed quite spiteful and very unlike him. It’s also unlike him to cut me off and I am surprised but I just don’t want to go near their house now and when I rang his phone it says this number doesn’t exist so perhaps he’s changed it and not told me.

I feel if I go near my mum things will only get worse and it’s like she’s able to turn people away from me very quickly. My friend wouldn’t tell me all that my mum said to her, I told her my mum has not been nice to me and my friend burst into tears saying she didn’t know how to tell me and has put it off but my mums been saying awful things about me and she wasn’t sure what to believe. I find it extremely hard to talk about everything in RL, I don’t feel like anybody will believe me now. My mum always buys everyone presents helps everybody, except for me.
She’ll buy the next door neighbours dog a birthday present! but not me. She hasn’t bought anything for me for years only my siblings and everyone else. It’s quite clear she doesn’t like me but everyone knows her as this lovely lady and it’s hard if I say anything against her I feel like people are not believing me.

OP posts:
softandfluffy · 15/09/2019 09:44

And I’m sorry to all those who have had similar it’s very painful Flowers

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 15/09/2019 09:46

What is the possibility of you moving town?

softandfluffy · 15/09/2019 09:54

@Aussiebean it’s something I’ve been looking into ever since I heard my mum saying things about me. I’m a teacher and so I’m worried who she’s telling this all to as I don’t want this to also slip into ruining my job as well.
My dc are young so I think it’s best I move now. My dh actually says it’s the wisest thing to do now as we don’t know how far she will go to ruin me. I didn’t think she would continue to talk badly about me once I was gone but she is.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 15/09/2019 10:02

If it’s an option then go for it. It Would be lovely being able to walk down the street and not wonder if that person is looking at you and thinking horrible things.

Also you will be able to get to know yourself more if you don’t always have the ghost of her and the family looking over your shoulder.

It’s lovely that your dh is so supportive and having bagged you a lovely one must help negate the horrible crap you have been told about you all your life.

You will also be in control of your own narrative then. Anything anyone knows will be based on what you tell them.

Needless to say, don’t tell anyone where you are going or how to contact you.

Aussiebean · 15/09/2019 10:03

I am half a world away from mine.

softandfluffy · 15/09/2019 10:14

Thank you @Aussiebean it’s good to know I’m not alone and good to know that maybe there’s a chance this situation can improve

OP posts:
MrsRufusdog789 · 15/09/2019 10:40

I believe you x people who lie as your Mother and siblings have done will trip themselves up in the end . X
Perhaps too much to expect they will see the errror of their ways soon but I hope so xxxxx

Troels · 15/09/2019 11:00

Move a long way off and don't leave a forwarding address if possible.
I'd only tell the bank/doctors etc where I was and make new life with your Dh and kids.

xsamix86 · 15/09/2019 11:03

How awful for you! I had a similarly shitty upbringing, and it never really does go away but I cut the pain out of my life and am doing so much better, and one day you will too.i do hope you are not still paying for anything for that woman!

Perunatop · 15/09/2019 11:06

What a horrible situation for you. I agree with others that if your DH is agreeable to a move and your DC are young then that is the best option.

shellysheridan · 15/09/2019 11:09

How awful for you. She's clearly a very clear manipulator. Move you and your family far away and start a fresh.

meccacos2 · 15/09/2019 11:14

You’re clearly the scapegoat in your family.

Enjoy the silence and concentrate on your own family.

She is poison and nothing you can do will make things better.

She probably never bonded with you when you were a child and then liked the attention of having a ‘problem child’ to get sympathy from others.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 15/09/2019 11:15

Just one other thought - any decent person hearing a mother speak about their own child as 'a horrible person' is not going to still think the mother is a nice person. Most will be thinking how could any mother speak about their own child in that way?

This *1000.

I remember years ago a woman at work who was so so lovely. Then she spoke about one of her (adult) children. Nowhere near as badly as your mum does but making it clear she had a favourite and a less liked. I remember thinking “fucking hell - you are awful - no mum behaves like that”.

I avoided her after that.

meccacos2 · 15/09/2019 11:18

Whoa!! She tried to turn your friend against you?!?

Look, if she does try and hurt you in the community, just look really concerned and say you’re worried “she’s not all there”.

AuroraBor · 15/09/2019 11:18

I'm an only child, but otherwise can relate. My mom would be abusive when we are alone and then play the perfect mother with others around. Even if we were visiting family she would say something nasty and berating when it was just the 2 of us in the room, make me cry and then pretend she has no idea why I'm upset again and being such a horrible child. My extended family thought I have mental health problems, was not a nice person and avoided me.

As soon as I moved out for uni I went very low contact with my mom. That was 10 years ago, but now some of my family are reaching out and we've even managed to establish good relationships. Seems like without me there to put all her hate and control into my mom can't keep up the facade anymore and others start to see her for what she really is. Hopefully, it will turn out similarly for you if you keep up the NC.

The only thing that I find very strange is that you have siblings but she's only picking on you. This is a very far fetched guess but is it possible you're the result of an affair and actually have a different father? I'm only saying that cause I've seen it before where a cousin's wife was inexplicably very harsh with just one of the kids and later during divorce when fighting for custody my cousin found out the boy wasn't actually his.

Mamia15 · 15/09/2019 11:19

Another one who agree with a PP that I would judge your DM massively for slagging you off in this way. I would think that she must be a really shit Mum and vile person.

Is there any chance you could look into moving away for a fresh start?

RandomMess · 15/09/2019 11:20
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