Mum cut me off I'm actually relieved but sad

[softandfluffy]

A few months ago years of arguing came to a halt when my mum said she didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

When I was a dc she would act as if she didn’t want me. I have siblings and it was clear I could have second hand things, they could have new, even though I wasn’t the youngest. She was always telling me I was unkind I didn’t share like my siblings I didn’t do this like my siblings etc and she would beat me with things behind everyone’s back and then I would like play up when my relatives came round our house and she’d say to everyone somethings wrong with me I’m an awful dc. She’d encourage my siblings to beat me too and even onto adulthood if my sibling beat me she’d watch and say I deserve it.
Unfortunately over time my whole family believed her about me being awful and if I try to stick up for myself as an adult they say oh but you were always a problem. They don’t know how I was treated.
I tried to tell my siblings but again they say I deserve to be treated this way I am a horrible person. They don’t speak to me. I am disgusting and horrible according to them for one reason or another,

My mum has taken my whole family from me and continued to try to manipulate others from liking me. I will never know why. I asked her and she denies it. I look at childhood photos and she’s never near me. Always cuddling my siblings.
A few months ago she pulled me aside and said I’m not leaving you anything in my will. I’m leaving it all to your siblings. It was only then that I could truly say to myself this is real. I’m not making it up she really doesn’t like me. Of course she told no one else about this. I said I didn’t think that was ok but she shrugged her shoulders

A few days later she told me that anything she owned of value that was in my house she wants it back now (she had left some jewellery for me to take to repair (& pay for as I still pay for a lot of things for her)
She acted like I was stealing it or something she let herself in my house without asking and was going through things to get it when I caught her and said I’d happily give it back. She just kept saying over and over give me back my jewellery because I was taking too long getting it out of where I’d put it for safekeeping. I have never taken anything from anyone. I told her to get out of my house. I opened my front door and I did shout here and said get out get out of my house. I could see on her face the disbelief me daring to say anything back to her.

After she called me up and I said I’m not going to stay silent anymore about the way she treats me. I’m not pretending everything’s fine and she said didn’t want to talk to me anymore she kept pausing and leaving long silences and I kept softly saying ok that’s ok and she kept pausing as if I was going to maybe beg for her not to but in all honesty I’m so relieved. She hasn’t contacted me since. She’s also effectively cut off her granddc who she seemed to like.

I find it all bizarre and it hurts so so much but not because of her but because my siblings have a nice relationship with her and she finally confirmed I was not one of them with the whole will thing. I don’t even know why I’m rambling really, just hurting today and don’t want to tell anyone in RL what’s going on. Feel like no one will believe me. On top of this a friend told me my mums been going to everyone I know and telling them I have been so awful to her I am a nasty person.
I am just so sad as I don’t know how long I will have to put up with her damaging my friendships in a small town.

I don’t even know who she’s said it to as this friend took months to tell me as she said she didn’t know what it was all about and my mums always been such a lovely person and even now I wonder who she believed as my mum fakes being nice to everyone which again is what makes me sad. It really is only me who she seems to hate so much and I really don’t know why but it’s been from early childhood.

Stop paying for everything immediately! Whatever you pay for, shut it off, and don't bother giving her a warning or heads up.

Shut down any connections with her.

Make sure you don't have any of the things like the jewellery she keeps banging on about. Or report you to the police for stealing!
Change your locks so she can't get in.
Lock down all online accounts (Facebook etc) not just your ones but the kids and husbands too so she/siblings can't use it to mine current information about you to use it to hurt you. Or turn up to places where you are.
Close down your involvement in any bills and accounts that are for her use like phone etc
Stop texting and calling her. Every time you do it it feeds her, it compounds her thought that you need her no matter how badly she treats you.

I'd also consider telling someone at the school an outline so that they are pre warned that she may potentially start contacting them about you as she has been doing the same to your friends.

Also I very much would consider just getting your family, changing jobs and moving to a whole other part of the country and just start again if you can.
You will be amazed how hard it is for them to hurt you if they are hundreds of miles away with no address or access to your social media! (With if you want a single email address that you only check if you want to) You will be free to just live your life for the first time ever. Of course it's more complicated emotionally because your genetically programmed to love and want your mum but the sorry but simple fact is you don't have never had a mum, you have an adult who birthed you who you grew up around. I'm sorry if that's horrible to hear.

I remember doing some training at work on how to spot the signs of child abuse. We were told that a relatively common manifestation is that in an otherwise 'happy' family, one child will he treated completely differently to the others. We were told that this can result in the other kids looking well fed and clean but one looking ragged and neglected.

As many pp have said, changing this family dynamic will be very hard. You just have to get yourself away, and remember that this is nothing to do with you and everything to do with your horrible mother.

She's cutting you out of her will but expects you to pay her phone bill? Fuck that shit! Stop paying that immediately!
I would also reiterate what others have said.
I had a colleague who had two older children who were "problematic" especially her eldest son. Her two younger children could do no wrong. I always thought it was strange and wondered what the other side of the story was because to me it was unnatural.
You can't choose your family but you can create a new one. Your dh sounds like a good guy. Are your in-laws nice?
I would also consider moving far away and cutting off all contact. Make a fresh start. You deserve it.

I also sorry that your mother treats you like this OP. for you.

Where does your father stand in all this? I was going to ask if you and your siblings have different fathers but I see you've answered that question.

Could it be that she is jealous of your connection with your father? Does she hate your father and you strongly resemble him so she sees him every time she looks at you?

I can't understand why a mother would treat you like this. She must have MH issues to be so manipulative.

I would change the locks, concentrate on you and your children, stop paying any if her bills and try and move on from her. I know it's hard.

Someone suggested moving away and that might be a good idea to prevent you worrying about who she's told this rubbish to.

Her mask will drop one day. Try and just be happy without your mum and siblings. They sound repulsive and you deserve better.

You definitely need to move OP! But before you do, or the day you leave I would write a letter detailing how abusive your Mother has always been of you, how she has turned your terminally ill? Father against you, encouraged your siblings to beat you as a child and as a result they all hate you today. Tell them that you have done nothing to deserve any of this, that your Mother has recently ramped up her abusive behaviour and that as an adult you could no longer allow it to continue. Tell them as soon as your Mother realised this, she has been spreading vicious and manipulative lies about you and trying to turn your own friends against you. Tell them as a Mother, you cannot understand how any Mother could be so evil to her own child. You are now in the position where to protect your good reputation both personally and professionally and more importantly your children, you have no other option but to move as far away from your toxic family as possible. I would include a print out about narcissistic Mothers and scapegoats. Tell your friends you wish them well, unfortunately your toxic Mother has given you no other option but to make this fresh start. You would never have shared any family skeletons but unfortunately your abusive Mother has forced your hand! I would send that letter to all of your friends and anyone else who your Mother may have contacted!

Truth has a very clear ring to it that no lie, no matter how manipulative can destroy! I would also look into contacting a solicitor and finding out where you stand with regard to the lies your Mother has been spreading in your community!

When you leave, I would make a fresh start, you could consider shutting down any social media profiles and create new profiles that are locked down from the start! Make sure your solicitor knows not to pass on a forwarding address to your family either!

5 years NC.

It is hard OP, and you will likely have moments where you struggle, and long for that relationship, even though you know how bad it is for you. Stay strong though. There is a grieving process, and you need to remember that there are phases and each phase will pass, until you reach a point where it will still hurt, still be sad, but your life will have grown around that pain and it will be more manageable.

Family estrangement is a really weird topic, and people with loving and normal parents can really struggle to understand how a parent could treat their child in this way. I have found other people's lack of understanding quite traumatic actually, as it reopens the wound that has been created by my wider family "choosing" her side and not believing me. In reality, they are manipulated and controlled by her, and never actually asked for my side of the story, as she has made herself so unquestionable. Now that time has passed I am able to see them as victims too, but that took a long time to get to that point.

As PPs say, those who are not under your mum's spell will be able to see through her. They may humour her in the moment, but when they are away from her and they really think about what she has said, they will know that it doesn't add up.

I chose to maintain a dignified silence. I will never let her accuse me of bad mouthing her. It is incredibly difficult, but in the long run it's for the best.

Read up about toxic families, post on here when things get tough, there will always be others who know what you are going through. But most importantly, be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve, and then you can heal.

But before you do, or the day you leave I would write a letter detailing how abusive your Mother has always been of you

As well intentioned as this advice is, it is a really bad idea.

This letter will only ever be received as an attack. It will allow OPs mother to rally people around her to comfort her in the face of the awful ordeal she has had to suffer by reading the awful accusations made by the OP. Truth means nothing to someone so toxic. They will barefaced lie to save themselves, and no matter how truthful the evidence, they will turn it to their benefit.

The response to a letter like this will be more traumatic to the OP than maintaining a silence. A letter implies that the other party is responsive to finding out the problem, is willing to hear another side, and find a way through. Two way communication depends on both parties being reasonable and sincere.

From the point that the OP's mother cut her off, any contact whatsoever only feeds into the narrative that the OP is sorry, and is admitting she is in the wrong.

Your mother did you a favour in cutting you off and stating you would not receive anything in her will. It makes life a lot easier for you to go NC - and you would be pushed to it eventually to protect your DC.

To echo the others, withdraw, stop paying her bills and start looking at a move away. Cut every avenue of access unless you have control over it (e.g. an email address).

Jump on the Stately Homes threads for support. I would also second counseling for yourself.

In that case I would (go straight to) contact a solicitor and ask advice about your Mothers deliberate attempt to besmirch her good name! This has the potential to follow OP if her Mother attempts to destroy her career!

The OP should surely be able to speak to her own friends about the awful lies her Mother is spreading? She doesn’t need to send anything to her Mothers friends, just her own. In which case if her friends are decent people, the OP’s Mother shouldn’t even find out about what she has told them. Is it really likely to cause more trouble?

She'll need that inheritance to pay for her care in her dotage. Get away while you still have your sanity intact.

In the circumstances OP has described, a solicitor isn't warranted. It is just more drama and more reason for the OP's mum to twist things to feel aggrieved. Should it move into affecting her career directly then maybe that would need to happen, but it is really unlikely.

Of course OP can speak to her friends. But if those friends are also in contact with her mum, IMO it would be important to be careful about what she shares.

There is probably something in her childhood that is resulting in this behaviour. I don't say that to excuse it but often something is causing her behaviour. Maybe you remind her of a hated sister or she was the same ordered sibling and was bullied by her DBs or something - perhaps an aunty or someone might know something.
It won't make a difference except that you will realise that it isn't you that 's the problem it is what happened to her in the past so is a little less hurtful.

I would confide in your friends and keep away from your parents. It's not good for you to be a part of it.

Thanks Glitterpearl- I am autistic so don’t find it the easiest to see how others would react in different situations. We (DH and I) are NC with my in-laws - we actually just cut off anyone that believed the lies of the in-laws. It was incredibly difficult for DH and I desperately wanted to shout from the rooftops that they were lying and that dh had done nothing wrong other than fall in love with me (poor man). It’s awful how vindictive a narcissist can get- we had to field off accusations that my dh used prostitutes - his poor Granny was devastated. Thankfully she believed us when I asked if she really thought I would stay with a man who used prostitutes. They pulled out all the stops to try to stop his Granny from supporting us. Thankfully she actually saw straight through them in the end!

I do think though, that if OP finds out her Mother is trying to destroy her professional reputation that she should get advice from someone - be it a solicitor or a union rep.

Claire

I think it is actually a pretty normal response, when told of a situation like this, to feel like something must be done. The problem with these situations is that no matter what the victim does, the perpetrator will just use that against them. So it's better to just give it no air, and remove yourself completely.

Your reaction to the situation with your in laws is also so understandable, and there were times when I felt the same in my situation. It feels so unfair and unjust, that people can just get away with saying all this stuff with no repercussions. There were so many times that I was so angry over the injustice of what was happening, and I wanted to go to family members and tell my side. But the reality was that they wouldn't have believed me, and I couldn't deal with that trauma too. At that point I had to prioritise my mental health.

That is absolutely awful that they would accuse their son of using prostitutes...it just shows the lengths they would go to to discredit him. People will see their true colours eventually.

Please phone the telephone company now and cancel her account. It's appalling that she treats you like this but expects you to pay for her phone!

She is an atrocious cow and you would be 100% justified in cutting the whole family off and moving away. I bet your in-laws are nicer to you than your family is :(

OP here is a thread I started about my journey through similar pain, trying to pick myself up from all this mess. Feel free to join us and contribute

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3675039-To-not-want-to-be-the-nice-one-anymore

You are certainly not alone

I agree with everything @Glitterpearl says it’s good sound sensible advise. I am in a similar situation where I know a relative has been telling lies about me to extended family who now have no contact with me because of it, it’s horrible not being able to defend myself (though shouldn’t have too) but I feel that if these people want to listen to one side and believe that then it’s because they choose too which doesn’t make them particularly nice either. So I keep a dignified distance and silence as the truth always comes out in the end. I know I deserve better and so do you OP

You are right @Glitterpearl my husband clearly realised that at the time, he took the high ground and despite being utterly devastated at their lies - ignoring them and cutting them out completely was the best thing to do. Cutting away from all the flying monkeys and family members who supported his parents was the only action that allowed my dh to heal.

It’s evil the depths they will go to to discredit their own child!

I’m reading through all the replies now thank you.
I pay her phone bill because she used to pick my dc up from school and bring them to me as my commute meant I got home an hour after pickup and she had a phone that was broken and she never bought another on so it was to contact her in an emergency, As time went on I realised she was working her ‘magic’ into the mums at schools and trying to befriend them, so if I dared say anything they’d never believe me. It worked I told one mum about never getting a birthday present but everyone else in my family get the she said my mum would never be like that surely.

When I told my mum I’d mentioned to one of the mums she hadn’t bought me a birthday present for nearly a decade my mums response was ‘you can’t go around telling people these things what will they think of me you’re despicable’

I have cut the phone off today. Thank you mn I don’t know myself why I’ve allowed this to go on. I felt guilty all the time and today I was feeling so down and almost like I should make contact but I don’t want to and I won’t. I don’t have much contact with my siblings as I will always be the ‘awful one’ to all of them. In all honesty though I think my mum does affect them overall but they are also blindsided as it’s their mum as well.

Please remember what your family does is not your fault. There’s a website called Out of The FOG which might help you understand why you feel like you do, it talks about the fear, obligation and guilt we can experience when we are in abusive relationships.
You can’t control what they do, but you can control how you react.

unfortunately cutting off the phone will incur her rage. you will be getting all the "flying monkeys" calling & saying you are cruel & outrageous to do it.
Beware, be ready for it.
Have one line ready for your siblings.(or block their numbers now) such as, "You have all mercilessly outcast me my whole life. I have no wish to be in contact with any of you from now on, I am ceasing subsidising her phone."

I don’t know myself why I’ve allowed this to go on it's because you've been trained to accept this treatment from the moment you were born...hobbled from the get-go, you had no way of resisting this
I felt guilty all the time and today I was feeling so down and almost like I should make contact but I don’t want to and I won’t
Stay strong, that's the brainwashing prompting you to reach out, resist these urges and they will fade