Mum cut me off I'm actually relieved but sad

[softandfluffy]

A few months ago years of arguing came to a halt when my mum said she didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

When I was a dc she would act as if she didn’t want me. I have siblings and it was clear I could have second hand things, they could have new, even though I wasn’t the youngest. She was always telling me I was unkind I didn’t share like my siblings I didn’t do this like my siblings etc and she would beat me with things behind everyone’s back and then I would like play up when my relatives came round our house and she’d say to everyone somethings wrong with me I’m an awful dc. She’d encourage my siblings to beat me too and even onto adulthood if my sibling beat me she’d watch and say I deserve it.
Unfortunately over time my whole family believed her about me being awful and if I try to stick up for myself as an adult they say oh but you were always a problem. They don’t know how I was treated.
I tried to tell my siblings but again they say I deserve to be treated this way I am a horrible person. They don’t speak to me. I am disgusting and horrible according to them for one reason or another,

My mum has taken my whole family from me and continued to try to manipulate others from liking me. I will never know why. I asked her and she denies it. I look at childhood photos and she’s never near me. Always cuddling my siblings.
A few months ago she pulled me aside and said I’m not leaving you anything in my will. I’m leaving it all to your siblings. It was only then that I could truly say to myself this is real. I’m not making it up she really doesn’t like me. Of course she told no one else about this. I said I didn’t think that was ok but she shrugged her shoulders

A few days later she told me that anything she owned of value that was in my house she wants it back now (she had left some jewellery for me to take to repair (& pay for as I still pay for a lot of things for her)
She acted like I was stealing it or something she let herself in my house without asking and was going through things to get it when I caught her and said I’d happily give it back. She just kept saying over and over give me back my jewellery because I was taking too long getting it out of where I’d put it for safekeeping. I have never taken anything from anyone. I told her to get out of my house. I opened my front door and I did shout here and said get out get out of my house. I could see on her face the disbelief me daring to say anything back to her.

After she called me up and I said I’m not going to stay silent anymore about the way she treats me. I’m not pretending everything’s fine and she said didn’t want to talk to me anymore she kept pausing and leaving long silences and I kept softly saying ok that’s ok and she kept pausing as if I was going to maybe beg for her not to but in all honesty I’m so relieved. She hasn’t contacted me since. She’s also effectively cut off her granddc who she seemed to like.

I find it all bizarre and it hurts so so much but not because of her but because my siblings have a nice relationship with her and she finally confirmed I was not one of them with the whole will thing. I don’t even know why I’m rambling really, just hurting today and don’t want to tell anyone in RL what’s going on. Feel like no one will believe me. On top of this a friend told me my mums been going to everyone I know and telling them I have been so awful to her I am a nasty person.
I am just so sad as I don’t know how long I will have to put up with her damaging my friendships in a small town.

I don’t even know who she’s said it to as this friend took months to tell me as she said she didn’t know what it was all about and my mums always been such a lovely person and even now I wonder who she believed as my mum fakes being nice to everyone which again is what makes me sad. It really is only me who she seems to hate so much and I really don’t know why but it’s been from early childhood.

SoftandFluffy allow yourself to mourn the mother you never had and never will have

Thanks @Glitterpearl I’ve found your posts helpful although unfortunate you have felt the same. I often cry when I see films about family supporting them. Ok so I get myself together in life in general but I would love so much to have a family who cared for me. My dh family is very small and disbanded around the world unfortunately but they are there for him when he needs them to be.
The only good thing to come from all of it is I love being a mum and hope to give as much card and attention to my own dc as possible.
I have told my sisters my mum is playing games with all of us but they don’t want to hear it. I also believe there must be something wrong with my mum for her to want to do this to a human being let alone her own dd. I have already come off from social media so my sisters stopped reporting what I was doing. Some days I even want to change my own name but think I’ll look so weird if I do that.
Going to start seeing if I can move somewhere tonight.
Nice to know I’m also not going mad for thinking this is a good option too!

Some days I even want to change my own name but think I’ll look so weird if I do that
would be a good way of symbolically cutting ties, you may feel able to do it at some point in the journey!

Unfortunately you are not alone- narcissistic Mothers are a common breed- the abuse can have lifelong consequences. There are so many different sources where you can find help and realise that you are not to blame. My husband believed he was awful, that he was a terrible person, he had awful self esteem due to emotional and psychological abuse from an early age. When we looked up this information together and my husband and I read Toxic Parents (Susan Forward) - there was such a sense of relief on his part! He shed many tears when he realised that he was a good and kind man, who had not deserved the abuse he grew up with! Counselling helped him A LOT! The abuse he received after we went NC for the final time almost drove him to suicide- be prepared- you will have people believe and say the most awful lies about you! Just remember you have done NOTHING wrong!

These links might be helpful- you will also find lots of fantastic videos on YouTube. Likewise the Stately Homes thread is useful!

You are a good and loving person, you were an innocent and pure little girl, you deserved to be loved and cherished, you deserved to be treated with respect and honour! No matter what your Mother or siblings or any of the flying monkeys may say to you- you are a good person, a good wife and a wonderful Mother! It’s ok to parent yourself now, to tell yourself that you are loved, that you are good and you are kind!

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2018/09/narcissistic-mothers/

I really feel for you, I'm going through therapy for my childhood traumas at the moment, estranged from siblings, my mum did cut me out of her will. I have always just felt like a rubbish person because of it all and still feel all the loneliness and isolation it brought.

Why does this happen to certain types of children usually the kindest ones ?? It’s quite strange

Because the kindest ones are usually the easiest ones to victimize
predatory people are drawn the vulnerable like vultures to weak animals
The empath is a magnet for the narcissist

Why does this happen to certain types of children usually the kindest ones ?? It’s quite strange

I truly believe that this doesn't happen to the children it happens to because they are kinder/more empathetic, but that they become kinder and more empathetic as a direct result of the abuse they face.

They are basically groomed into being highly attuned to the parents emotional state. And the injustice they face creates a sort of "champion of the underdog" mentality. I can't speak for all sufferes of this type of thing of course, but from what I have read it does seem to work out like this.

For me personally, I am incredibly sensitive to injustice, empathetic (sometimes to a fault), a stickler for truth and honesty, and I hold myself to incredibly high standards. I believe these traits are so extreme in me because I tried to be perfect in the hope that my mum would acknowledge that. She never did.

I guess narcissism is the product of a childhood full of emotional neglect and lacking in empathy and self actualisation.

Which probably means they are indeed drawn to empaths to fill that void, yet are used to using their survival and coping mechanism when feeling comfortable within someone’s personal space because it’s habits of manipulation they’ve picked up since infancy. For survival and for meeting their basic needs which were neglected..

And so they’re drawn to the empaths because naturally that’s a void they never had filled and aren’t able to give empathy back because it’s not something they’re conscious of.

And also, they’re not aware that sometimes there is a time to switch of from the survival mode learnt in infancy around people within their personal circle.. because this time they’re safe.

I guess narcissist too are people in desperate need for personal reflection.

Glitterpearl

Actually that’s an interesting interpretation. And I relate to everything you describe yourself as. Yes I was in desperate need for acknowledgement that it resulted in me not being in tune with myself and instead with what everyone else expected of me and became a high achieving people pleaser who is secretly hurt and damaged.

Well done on cutting off the phone and removing yourself from social media. Let this be your first step towards freedom from your abusive and toxic relatives. I wont call them your family because your dear husband children are your family and they will give you the love and support you need to walk away from your abusers. As a short term measure what about changing your landline / mobile numbers so they cannot ring and harass you. That should scupper them trying to contact you and abuse you further. In the long term I think moving somewhere far away for a fresh start with just your husband and children sounds very liberating. Changing your name could also be a symbolic act of breaking free from them

If she doesn't want to talk to you there is absolutely no need for you to pay her phone bill! Well done for cancelling that.