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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mum cut me off I'm actually relieved but sad

87 replies

softandfluffy · 15/09/2019 08:08

A few months ago years of arguing came to a halt when my mum said she didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

When I was a dc she would act as if she didn’t want me. I have siblings and it was clear I could have second hand things, they could have new, even though I wasn’t the youngest. She was always telling me I was unkind I didn’t share like my siblings I didn’t do this like my siblings etc and she would beat me with things behind everyone’s back and then I would like play up when my relatives came round our house and she’d say to everyone somethings wrong with me I’m an awful dc. She’d encourage my siblings to beat me too and even onto adulthood if my sibling beat me she’d watch and say I deserve it.
Unfortunately over time my whole family believed her about me being awful and if I try to stick up for myself as an adult they say oh but you were always a problem. They don’t know how I was treated.
I tried to tell my siblings but again they say I deserve to be treated this way I am a horrible person. They don’t speak to me. I am disgusting and horrible according to them for one reason or another,

My mum has taken my whole family from me and continued to try to manipulate others from liking me. I will never know why. I asked her and she denies it. I look at childhood photos and she’s never near me. Always cuddling my siblings.
A few months ago she pulled me aside and said I’m not leaving you anything in my will. I’m leaving it all to your siblings. It was only then that I could truly say to myself this is real. I’m not making it up she really doesn’t like me. Of course she told no one else about this. I said I didn’t think that was ok but she shrugged her shoulders

A few days later she told me that anything she owned of value that was in my house she wants it back now (she had left some jewellery for me to take to repair (& pay for as I still pay for a lot of things for her)
She acted like I was stealing it or something she let herself in my house without asking and was going through things to get it when I caught her and said I’d happily give it back. She just kept saying over and over give me back my jewellery because I was taking too long getting it out of where I’d put it for safekeeping. I have never taken anything from anyone. I told her to get out of my house. I opened my front door and I did shout here and said get out get out of my house. I could see on her face the disbelief me daring to say anything back to her.

After she called me up and I said I’m not going to stay silent anymore about the way she treats me. I’m not pretending everything’s fine and she said didn’t want to talk to me anymore she kept pausing and leaving long silences and I kept softly saying ok that’s ok and she kept pausing as if I was going to maybe beg for her not to but in all honesty I’m so relieved. She hasn’t contacted me since. She’s also effectively cut off her granddc who she seemed to like.

I find it all bizarre and it hurts so so much but not because of her but because my siblings have a nice relationship with her and she finally confirmed I was not one of them with the whole will thing. I don’t even know why I’m rambling really, just hurting today and don’t want to tell anyone in RL what’s going on. Feel like no one will believe me. On top of this a friend told me my mums been going to everyone I know and telling them I have been so awful to her I am a nasty person.
I am just so sad as I don’t know how long I will have to put up with her damaging my friendships in a small town.

I don’t even know who she’s said it to as this friend took months to tell me as she said she didn’t know what it was all about and my mums always been such a lovely person and even now I wonder who she believed as my mum fakes being nice to everyone which again is what makes me sad. It really is only me who she seems to hate so much and I really don’t know why but it’s been from early childhood.

OP posts:
EggysMom · 15/09/2019 11:24

Before I read the rest of the thread ...

she acted like I was stealing it or something she let herself in my house without asking and was going through things to get it when I caught her

I presume you have changed the locks? If not - do it now!

HighNetGirth · 15/09/2019 11:24

I am married to a ‘scapegoat’. I have seen at first hand how irrational it is and how much it hurts. My heart goes out to you.
Just take this chance to be free and enjoy the love of your DH and DC.

You are the scapegoat because of some need of your mother’s: to have a victim; to divide and rule; jealousy; who knows. Plainly you are not awful because your father does love you, even if he is too weak to really stand up for you. Leave your family to it. The next few years may surprise you-when my DH did this all the other family relationships went awry. They needed a common victim/enemy to keep them all in balance.

bombomboobah · 15/09/2019 11:30

Your mother is completely despicable, toxic, vile, keep well away from her.
She imagines that in cutting herself off from you she is punishing you, she is completely incapable of insight or self awareness
actually she's doing you a massive favour, run run run, run away, run away laughing and never look back.
Congratulations you are now free to live life on your own terms 😄😄😄
GO YOU!

bombomboobah · 15/09/2019 11:35

They needed a common victim/enemy to keep them all in balance
This is an interesting theme!
OP it may well be that your mother's scapegoating of you is the thing that holds her together psychologically....now you can stand back and watch (from a safe distance mind!) as she unravels or implodes, get the popcorn it will be fun 😄😄😄
she fuckjng deserves every minute of misery that she gets
Don't back down, you must completely blank her and completely ignore her, don't give an inch!
And congratulations again💃 you are free now💃 think of all the years of misery you have dodged 😄😄😄

Pinkbonbon · 15/09/2019 11:38

Chances are your siblings have become the same monster as your mum by being the golden children who couldn't do anything wrong so I'd cut them off too. It may be that they are still young so still under the influence of her calling you horrible, maybe once they put some distance between you and her they will change...maybe not. But for now at least they will all dance to her tune so best cut contact there.

I agree with op that said move as a narcissist scored by rejection will stop at nothing to hurt you. You could speak to a lawyer about slander? If your friend tells you what was said. But tbh...even if anything could be sent legally to her,your mum would probably only use it to further point out to others how horrible you are.

If you can move far away, brilliant. Great that you have such a supportive partner :) And don't feel bad about keeping her from your child, my gran was the narcissistic our family and my mum was a golden child and me, the scapegoat. I remember gran telling me shit like she didn't know why mum loved me ect... I guess it would be the opposite dynamic for you but that would probably mean she would do all she could to make your child hate you the same way she did with your siblings.

Get your family as far from her as possible and tell them (mum, dad, siblings) nothing about where you are or how you are living. There are monsters in this world, start running.

Apileofballyhoo · 15/09/2019 11:38

I agree with HighNet. She'll find another victim when you aren't there.

bombomboobah · 15/09/2019 11:40

I think she 'needs' you to pour all her hate into, you have been performing an essential function for her, when she realises that you don't intend to interact or engage with her anymore she will be absolutely apoplectic, she will be furious that you are refusing to defer to her, refusing to be a receptacle for all her poison.
You must turn your back completely
GIVE HER NOTHING

RunningOutOfCharacte · 15/09/2019 11:47

I'm so sorry Thanks
I don't really have any advice other than change the locks and get the hell out of there.
And I totally agree. If someone said to me they hated their child or said horrible things like that I would make a judgment on them not the child.
You must feel bereft. Surround yourself with people who love you. I'm so sorry you couldn't rely on your family for that.

bombomboobah · 15/09/2019 11:53

You're worried about being ostracized and not believed because your mum puts on an act for everyone else, this is completely understandable
This is how I would look at the situation, your mother's ability to put on an act for everyone else relies on her being able to use you as the scapegoat
She crushes you manipulates and belittles you this makes her feel Powerful, this is what enables her to go out into the world and put on on the act.
All you need to do is calmly disengage, drop her completely, she'll start acting out and other people will see her for what she really is, you just need to wait.

macem · 15/09/2019 11:58

She must hate your success OP. A teacher, a nice husband and children.

You are really special to have managed all this in spite of her. In your shoes I would move if possible, think of the freedom being far away from all of them. I'm NC with my family, with far less reason than you. It's fine.

softandfluffy · 15/09/2019 12:00

Thanks all. I do feel better thinking maybe people would not believe her.
I am not the result of an affair unless I look uncannily like my father.
Now I have dc I can see that the way I was treated is not ok.
I do pay for her phone bill so am contemplating shutting that off now.

OP posts:
TeaLibrary · 15/09/2019 12:08

I think you would be absolutely justified in cutting off payment for anything you currently pay for her. I wouldn't hesitate if I were you. Might it be an idea to look at moving away. New job, new home away from your toxic family. Never look back

macem · 15/09/2019 12:10

You pay her phone bill?

NorthEndGal · 15/09/2019 12:11

It sounds like you will be much happier with her out of your life

bombomboobah · 15/09/2019 12:13

I guarantee she hates the fact that you have done better than her in life that's why she is compelled to drag you down, trying to put you beneath her.

Pinkbonbon · 15/09/2019 12:13

Definitely stop paying for her phone bill. How does that even work anyway? Is it in your name even though you don't live there? Or just your payment details...

She's a bully op and you never deserved any of it. She'll always be a sad, angry bully but you have a lovely family and a shot at freedom. So screw her xD

Kaddm · 15/09/2019 12:14

Shut everything off to do with her and leave town whilst your dc are still small. You have a dh and dc and they are the future. Your mother is a bully and it's typical bully tactics to be nice to everyone apart from the person(s) being bullied. It's easier to move with small dcs than when they are older. I would ignore all contact from all of them.

MollyButton · 15/09/2019 12:20

Disentangle everything from her. Paying for your Mother's phone bill is not normal, okay if she is impoverished and you are well off (or she has dementia or something). But its not normal.

Stop paying for anything for her - give any contracts back to her. Change the locks. Don't give anything else back.
And yes I'd move if possible.

(Oh and try reading Toxic Families and the Stately Homes thread in relationships.)

Bookworm4 · 15/09/2019 12:20

The only thing wrong here is how long it’s taken to come to this, I’m mystified why you pay a bill for her or she has keys to your house. Do not contact her at all, I’m 15 years NC with my toxic evil mother and have never regretted it. Stop hoping for a nice mother it’s never going to happen, if this was s friend you would have binned then years ago; do not tolerate it because your related.
Walk away, move away, put you and your DC first, that’s what forced my hand; she leathered my then 6 yr old DD and there was no way history was repeating itself.

flapjackfairy · 15/09/2019 12:21

Do you know what people are not stupid and even though she may play the perfect mother etc to others they will be picking up the undercurrents that she is not really sincere. No matter what she says about you people will have doubts about her because good mothers do not go round slagging off their own child to all and sundry even if they have reason to do so. Good mothers would play it down if anything to protect their kids from other people's judgements.

That is why your friend is confused because duplicitous people trigger confussion in others. It is a form of gaslighting and deflecting their own failings onto others. People who know you will not be fooled in the long term.
Anyway she sounds truly awful and you sound so lovely and life is just not fair ! But like others I would cut all ties and start over completely. Be the mum to your kids that she shouldve been to you and in some measure you will heal yourself. I wish you every happiness in your ' new ' life x

Drum2018 · 15/09/2019 12:22

For gods sake stop paying for anything for her. Do not give her a penny. She doesn't deserve your generosity. If you pay her bill by direct debit, cancel it online now. Is the bill in her name or yours? If yours cancel it with provider asap, if hers then tough shit when it's cut off suddenly because it's not paid. Change the locks so she has no chance of accessing your house.

I'd consider moving. You could have a peaceful life elsewhere. Block her number and the numbers of your mad fucking siblings. Block all on social media and don't tell them your plans to move or where you move to. Focus on your Dh and kids and build a happier life with them. Your kids do not need a relationship with their aunts/uncles or cousins from your side given they are a bunch of evil shits. You don't need any of them having an influence on your kids.

I'd be seriously tempted to do an ancestry DNA test to make sure your DNA matches are recognisable on both sides of the family. Its not unheard of that a relative would bring up a baby of an unwed mother for instance. It's a far out theory but stranger things have happened.

bombomboobah · 15/09/2019 12:24

She has keys to your house??
This is you symbolically inviting her to trample all over you whenever she feels like it😱
take back control and change the locks, you must shut her out completely, do not allow any access, block all avenues and pathways, cut off all connections

Soubriquet · 15/09/2019 12:25

Change your locks
Change your phone number
Stop paying her phone bill

Consider moving as a last resort but use this as a chance to completely cut her out of your life.

You will feel guilty to begin with. It’s normal but then just remember everything she did to you and everything she might do to your dc and think “thank fuck she’s gone”

Herocomplex · 15/09/2019 12:28

Your family have let you down so badly.

If you were so ‘awful’ what help did they seek for you? I know if no childhood problem they is solved by hitting them. They have betrayed you, stolen your childhood.

You can stop this now. Concentrate on your own family, don’t respond, don’t engage.

Please have 💐 from me.

ChangeItChild · 15/09/2019 12:30

Change the locks
Stop paying for anything for her

And in the longer term, move away and start fresh.

You don't deserve this, abc your children don't deserve to see you being treated this way. Thanks

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