Why do we have children with bad men?

[Thornhill58]

I got married very young in the early 80's and I had 2 kids very quickly by the age of 20 I was divorced. My marriage was difficult from the start. He was angry, controlling and difficult all round. My questions are why are we still finding ourselves with bad relationships? Why do we have children with bad men? Why are we still in many cases dependent financially on men? Why do we still do just about all domestic chores and child care?
I read in MN everyday about bad relationships. I don't necessarily regret the marriage it was an experience that made me learn what I wanted in a man for the future. What I regret is having children as they suffered so much because of our stupidity.
Why do we bring children to bad relationships?

It’s nature. And it’s nurture.

I wouldn’t and didn’t do what you did, but that’s because I have different issues to you. Avoidant attachment, anyone? Some women run towards bad men. Some women run away from good ones.

At the end of the day...we’re animals.

I have to ask, why are there so many bad men?
Seems to be just heaps of them.

In my youth, I was just too naive and young to see people for who they really are. The bad guys were so very convincing, charming, and persistent. They knew exactly what to say and do.

I just wish we knew we could do better. I just feel sorry for my kids. They are adults now but they deserved better parents.

Looking at my friends and family it’s having children young and with a lower sense of self worth. Women who have been in relationships since they were late teens early adults seem to fall into accepting crappy situations compared to people who are older who choose their partners when they are more mature, wiser and have a better sense of self worth.

It maybe not be true for the majority of people I know.

I am not sure that is true about older people, but it is partly to do with self esteem, and sometimes it is having kids and wanting more for them that makes people wake up and realise that they were putting up with bad behaviour when they shouldn't have.

I also think it is partly not being able to spot the trouble until women are in too deep and that all our kids should be taught about healthy relationships and how to spot "bad men" or people who are abusive, play games, pretend to be something they are not at first, manipulative.

I also think that the way we bring up our boys is partly to blame. Too many women place a premium on having girls, and I do feel many of our boys are sidelined and not given the love and understanding they need - so they grow up not understanding about intimacy or valuing it or seeking it. And in extreme cases women become nothing more than possessions which they feel they are entitled to.

I read all the time about women of all ages falling for bad men. Mine was also poor and bad looking. I can't believe I had fallen so low.

This is the line that rings true for me the most:

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

The first guy I fell in love with was horrible to me but I kept going back again and again.

Second- ghosted me after 9 months and really broke my heart, but looking back whilst fun to talk to was also a bit flakey.

I started therapy just after number 2.

Third= taught me what real love is.

Low self-worth due to to dysfunctional /damage parents, my guess is that most of these bad men are also the product of dysfunctional and damaged parents it's just that the masculinity operating system tends to lead to certain types of dysfunction

Those men who came of age in the 80s were brought up with the expectation that it would be a man's world, some of them have been unable to adjust to the changes in society which mean that women are no longer so completely beholden to men

Because we grow up with bad parents (who are bad because their parents were bad too). And we get married with people who reminds us of what we already know.
It happened to me and I want to break the cycle for my children.

The expectations of a deeply entrenched patriarchal society. Men are programmed with a sense of superiority and entitlement and women are programmed to accept it. Some more than others, some less so, but we are all polluted with that bullshit to some extent.

I think we make the huge mistake of thinking that we can change them with our love.

I know I did. 'He is damaged, but I can love him better and together, we ...' oh did that backfire.

We should be honest about this not so great tendency. It is controlling and rather narcissistic. Who do we think we are? Why don't we work on changing ourselves, instead?

I know poor parenting plays a huge roll on who we are but I'm amazed that we bring children to have a bad home life. Why? I've asked myself that so many times.
I knew I had a bad marriage and got pregnant with another child. How stupid is that?

I think some women are deluded & think they can change these twats.

I did exactly the same thing about having a second child, because I had very strong feelings about not wanting to have an only child. In the last few years I realised STBXH is abusive, and realised the way he treats me is not acceptable (but I used to normalize things because I was treated badly by my parents as well).
I think we understand things when we are ready for that. Not earlier. It's shit, but that's how it works, I believe.

Define a bad man?

I'm often shocked about the relationships I read about on mumsnet. It's clear a lot of men don't show that they're bad men until it's too late, and then financial pressures, fear, uncertainty etc. make women feel trapped in their relationships. It's awful really.

A bad man is one that treat you badly. He can be abusive physically, mentally or both. One that uses money to control you. One that is controlling or jealous. One that is unfaithful. He doesn't contribute his equal share of child rearing or contributes at all.
A bad man never makes you feel good about yourself. I can go on and on.

They pretend to be good until they figure you are sufficiently trapped.

Then they release the beast. Too late to escape, society/family/friends pretend to care about women/D.V. but turn a blind eye to actual abuse nearby, family courts facilitate abusive men, have to make the the best of it. The End.

I think we don't give ourselves enough time to know these men. Many time we get pregnant very quickly then it's too late. I was pregnant within 6 months of knowing him. My sister got pregnant after 3 weeks at the age of 37???? Madness.

I think low self esteem plays a huge part in it. I didn’t feel loved or loveable, so when a man - any man - showed an interest I jumped into a relationship. Then having had a baby young I was desperate to be a “proper family” but still didn’t feel like much of a catch, which again made me a target for predators. And I think once you’ve been abused, you can set your expectations quite low, so you think “oh well, he’s not hitting me, so that’s enough” even though he might not be treating you well in other ways.
Counselling really helped me, and support from women’s aid, but I do still carry a lot of guilt about the situations I dragged my children through.

I'm not sure age is a biggest factor. I know someone married in her 30s but was in such a biological rush and as he ticked the wrong boxes (religion, culture, status) she went for it all guns
She had ignored that he was nearly 40. Still lived with his mum and had never been in a long term relationship.
She left him once but went back and had 2nd child. The burden of him has simply increased and he refuses to change. As time has gone on the abuse has escalated and is physical.
Given the religious status etc, divorce is an absolute non starter.

We get sold down the river with romance. With marriage. With being needed. We do not look at what WE need but what we can enhance on another person's life. Never the other way. Personally, I dont see that changing much in the near future. In fact, I see women losing out more and more. We have lost ground in many ways as men have pushed back.

Ticking biological clock can make you desperate, and if you want more than one you may not have time to wait to find someone else - that's what I've discovered among friends of mine who reached their mid 30s without having had kids yet. A lot of this is the result of wasting time in one's 20s with immature men who string them along. You see it every week on here, someone in her mid to late 20s and they invariably chose to waste more time with someone who doesn't want the same thing and won't with them until it's too late their fertility is in peril or gone.

I think some women fall into a trap of having to be with someone/anyone— regardless of age and get carried away before common sense or reality sets in. I also think many women have a sense of not being able to articulate ‘get stuffed’ to a bloke. Far too many women also don’t get a career under their belt or insist on keeping it— even if part time or freelance in order to fit in with a family existence

It's lack of confidence and self worth for many. I went out with some idiots because of that.

I have very little sympathy for women who subject children to said idiots though.