Why do we have children with bad men?

[Thornhill58]

I got married very young in the early 80's and I had 2 kids very quickly by the age of 20 I was divorced. My marriage was difficult from the start. He was angry, controlling and difficult all round. My questions are why are we still finding ourselves with bad relationships? Why do we have children with bad men? Why are we still in many cases dependent financially on men? Why do we still do just about all domestic chores and child care?
I read in MN everyday about bad relationships. I don't necessarily regret the marriage it was an experience that made me learn what I wanted in a man for the future. What I regret is having children as they suffered so much because of our stupidity.
Why do we bring children to bad relationships?

A mixture of an upbringing in a working class Irish family where women held the family together, ignoring early red flags and true colours only starting to surface after I became pregnant with DS1.

Definitely a lot to do with our own upbringing. Sometimes to do with what you want. I'm with a man who can be like my dad in a lot of ways. Not always a good thing. It made me accept things I shouldn't have.

I had a baby because I accepted a lot of things as normal, desperately wanted one a nd the old cliche I thought he might change. In all fairness, in a lot of ways he has. But the past doesn't go away and sometimes it's a struggle.

Today I don't want to get out of bed. He txt someone from work a couple of years ago. Nothing in it as such, I read it all. But texting for the sake of texting. Going from no kisses, quite professional, to two kisses and so on. Very uncomfortable for me. They still work together. He mentions her from time to time but just in passing. His work colleague was round last night and slip up about a practical joke dp did, involving said woman. I'm fucking fuming and sick and upset at myself for staying when I should have gone. I blame myself for the way he treats me at times because i have accepted it. And I'm scared I make it normal for dd.

Its not too late, Rarfy. It's never too late.

You're a young woman with your entire future stretching before you. Go and take control of it.

It's certainly not all to do with upbringing of the woman. My parents never argued and I wasn't smacked or shouted at as a kid. My parents loved me although neither was particularly demonstrative. It was a stable home. I was well educated and trained for a career. My abusive ex however was regularly beaten by his father and told he was bad by his mother. He was a bully at school and as a teen. None of which I knew. We were in our early twenties when we met and he was nothing but charming and attentive to me. Married after 2 years together. So none of the stereotypes on my part, yet I still fell into an abusive marriage.

Far from educating younger women to be independent, society's focus on Instagram type superficiality and empty headed nonsense seems to be creating a generation of women focused only on appearance and romantic ideas. I think it's actually going in the opposite direction

One thing is clear. People that are raised in dysfunctional families are likely to continue that trend unfortunately in most cases but not all.

I'm convinced we can change things for the new generations. I'm sure we can help society by raising stable children. Bad men are made not born.
I'm sadden to hear that so many women are in bad relationships. Children need better.
When I left my ex I was penniless with no place to go. I was homeless for a while until my aunt allowed me to live with her. Very tough times but I was free.

@HRMumness

So to answer your question: sometimes wolves hide in sheep’s clothing. It’s not always the case of a man being openly awful.

This! My ex was very charming and also very loving and we went through a lot to have children, they weren't just happy accidents. However his drinking took over as did the abuse. I got out when my children were small but I know several who are still in those situations. We get on reasonably well now but it's a shame that it got to this so we are making the best of a difficult situation.

@rvby Not sure you know what patriarchy means.... the way "we" raise our sons as a society is literally what patriarchy is... duh patriarchy is what has been created. I was talking about changing it for the future. "duh" is rude.

The means by which the patriarchy keeps control are numerous some are overt some hidden and insidious, widespread sexual abuse of girls serves as a means to crush and undermine women so that they are hobbled from the get go and always at a disadvantage compared to men.

Thank you. I know it's never too late.

If we didn’t need to have children then I think we would be able to gain back power very slowly

Basically it’s the patriarchy - it’s that simple

My mother had a great career, professional woman - still ended up with a distinctly horrible human for a husband

Abusive childhood or maybe bullied at school leading to low self esteem and self worth. That’s my guess anyway. You accept the treatment you believe you are worth. Some people don’t think they are worthy of kindness and compassion which is beyond sad.

Sounds like not much has changed over the years. Children are raised in less than suitable homes. Such shame

Very true @Tippletopple . There are so many sections of our society that are responsible for perpetuating masochistic mindsets: music (pop, hip hop, dancehall, reggae etc), advertising, HR recruitment (opening up the avenues for men with names that sound like they can do the job but probably don't have the necessary qualifications), even giving women Non executive roles in companies, which is essentially volunteering management roles, brings about the pay imbalance.

This all contributes to the idea that women are of less worth both in the home and in the workplace.

Abuse and control of all kinds needs to be taught in school so our children know what to look out for.
We can tell them, teach them, but it's a good lesson to learn in school as well.
Womens Aid should run courses in all schools.
Although it's not just men that abuse it is the majority.

I married a man I though loved me and our DD.
He was a great husband and loving father.
He just turned out to be a lying, cheating, narcissistic asshole who thought the world suddenly owed him a favour. Still does.
Has not contact with his DD.
She hates him!
They do change as well.
Some will improve and some will get worse.
We can't predict that one!

It's upbringing. It's the cycle of abuse.
It's being young. Being niaive.
Being in love.
Totally blind to what they are really like.
Until you hit that light bulb moment.

So many factors!