Why do we have children with bad men?

[Thornhill58]

I got married very young in the early 80's and I had 2 kids very quickly by the age of 20 I was divorced. My marriage was difficult from the start. He was angry, controlling and difficult all round. My questions are why are we still finding ourselves with bad relationships? Why do we have children with bad men? Why are we still in many cases dependent financially on men? Why do we still do just about all domestic chores and child care?
I read in MN everyday about bad relationships. I don't necessarily regret the marriage it was an experience that made me learn what I wanted in a man for the future. What I regret is having children as they suffered so much because of our stupidity.
Why do we bring children to bad relationships?

I think being young plays a role. A lot of young women are attracted to bad boys. It's part of the rebellion of youth. As you get older you look for more stability. So if you happen to get up the duff by accident or on purpose when you are with a bad boy, you are then stuck with them.

It's not always true of course, before the inevitable postings about meeting their lovely life partner at 19. It's just an observation. I shudder imagining getting stuck with some of the men I chose in my younger days and I saw many of my friends make similar choices.

It's such a mixture of so many effects. But a major factor is that so few boys are taught how to be men, and good men at that. Parenting is a hard slog, and many men are unwilling to teach their sons how to be fully functioning and adaptable men in society. So many boys grow up without a father role model and have to rely on media /sporting role models, who do not give the full picture of finance, emotional health, physical health, negotiation, educational needs etc. And so there is a fractured picture of how men behave in relationships and in society itself. The patriarchy teaches men that it's "men first" and so that's how they approach the world. Very few men seek out and demand to pay child support, very few men work part time in order to help with child rearing, few men would go hungry to bed when money is tighter than tight.

Additionally young ladies (14+) are led to believe that their self worth is based on their sexuality. That your main task in life is to 'bag a man', and not to realise that a marriage is a business contract. You go into it to make it work and to make your money grow. You don't go into business with someone who shows no potential. He might not be currently earning what he could be, but he has the drive and potential (qualifications) to do so.

I think we are not choosy enough about who we sleep with and this causes an emotional tie and attachment. We pick the wrong partners who don't bring out the best in us.

Got cut off

But he shows evidence of patience, kindness, awareness of the injustices of life (for women, ethnic minorities, people with disabilities etc), social responsibility etc. Essentially that he's not a selfish git.

I grew up with a father and brothers who viewed women as equals. If I'd met someone who treated me in any way inferior it would have been an immediate red flag. I met DH fairly young and married at 23. We celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary soon. I've never experienced the life you describe. I'm not smug but eternally grateful for the examples I had in life and the self confidence to not accept any less. I also take pride in seeing the way my 23 year old ds treats his gf of six years and try to teach my two teens by example.

Great posts by most but some people don’t get the poverty cycle. This is poor childhood, poor education and poor self esteem.

Not all people are super smart and have the education/upbringing or brains to climb the career ladder? It’s the great unsaid but true. Where does it leave these women where cost of living is so high?

Women are generally a rash when it comes to matters of the heart.

A bit rash

I even think with a good education and healthy self esteem, it’s still really easy to fall in to a poverty trap as a young woman with just a few bad choices. Especially if your parents weren’t particularly financially literate.
It’s a revelation as a child of working class parents for example, if you’re lucky enough to get in to a good university. Because there you tend to realise, (as you’re trying to figure out how to work two jobs and get to your lectures) that most other students have ‘allowances’ ‘trust funds’ ‘savings’ and all host of other little nest eggs you barely knew existed. Especially if you’re from a background of hand to mouth living.

I was so determined not to marry the misogynistic aggressive arse type that my mother and grandmother fell for. Despite being well educated I still ignored red flags and ended up with one. The true nastiness didn’t come out until he had me (what he thought)trapped. He was even more angry when I finally divorced him. I am fearful that my children will follow the same patterns.
I think little will change until all women are willing and able to have zero tolerance of men’s bad behaviour,so that there is no option but to improve if they want a relationship.

Definitely upbringing. I don’t think one with a doting father is going to be attracted to an absuive twat.

So sad to read so many sad experiences. I just hope in the future we hear less sad stories. I doubt it but I hope you.
Why bring a child to the world not to value him/ her?
I just don't get it. Why have children?

Very true Gull. Who new?!

I give up on this topic now

Low self esteem and needing to be loved ... even if that means one nice word or action between blows

@PicsInRed How absolutely right you are! I married a man who turned out to be off the scale evil. Suffered years of control and abuse and still do 5.5 years post-divorce.

At the ages of 3 and 6 my boys had to live with their dad exactly 50:50. He also left me so poor I simply didn't eat on the weeks I didn't have my boys.

Kids are 9 and 12 now. 50:50 still in place. Not a penny of maintenance due from a man who earns in excess of £100k pa. He even claims CB for one son so I can't have it!

Eldest suffers from severe anxiety due to how his dad is towards me and because of his dad's volatile and bizarre relationship with a girl 16 years his junior (she's still with him though because she doesn't want to work and likes expensive gifts).

I wish I'd never married him but my biggest regret will always be that I didn't stay until he hit me. I think things would have been very different then.

This thread has really hit home for me.

I’ve been with my partner since I was 17 and while he’s not the man I would end up with now if I were to start over I have been fucking lucky especially considering I was pregnant by 18. I’ve seen loads of girls who did the same thing as me end up with absolute wasters in the side lines letting kids down and then going on and creating 2/3 more afterwards with others.

How do I stop my kids from falling into the same trap? How do I build them up so that at 13 they won’t start sleeping with anyone who even looks at them just for a bit of a self esteem boost? I’m terrified for them and it feels like a huge pressure.

I think a factor is many women take a passive role in the initial stages, rather than seeking out a suitable partner, they are happy to be chased. Sometimes that doesn’t turn out well.

Other factors: the romantic cliches make some women overly susceptible to charm and flattery - that’s not to say all charming men are evil - but abusive men can turn it on and off at will.

Sometimes it’s just bad luck.

And so there is a fractured picture of how men behave in relationships and in society itself. The patriarchy teaches men that it's "men first" and so that's how they approach the world.

Worse, it teaches boys that "men first" is what women are attracted to. Just look at how saturated pop music is with rappers, the bulk of whose lyrics are about how much money they have and how they treat women like commodities. And they see these songs are popular with women. How many women bought "Blurred Lines"? How many streamed "God's Plan" by Drake, and heard him singing "She say, "Do you love me?" I tell her, "Only partly"" over and over again?

And these songs and there videos - showing women pouring themselves over emotionally-unavailable braggards - are the constant background soundtrack as they grow up. As you say, these are there role models. Is it any wonder they behave the same when they come of age?

I definitely think it’s to do with how boys and men are raised. A lot - and I mean a LOT - of families don’t pull up their sons for mistreating girlfriends or being disrespectful to women. And because boys tend to share less about their emotional inner lives parents know less about what they’re doing and don’t pry.

Funny there was a thread recently about whether boys or girls are easier to parent as teens and so many said boys are easier. But I commented that when my younger brother was a teen I saw the chats that went with his online video games and it was shocking - misogynist racist comments flying all around. In male only spaces this mindset still exists.

@edgeofheaven

Agree with how boys are raised. Why are there so many of them?

I see on here sometimes parents being very passive and overprotective of their boys without seeming to realise it.

OP such an interesting thread with very deep comments. Yes to NOT being choosy who we sleep with. I slept with men without even going on a date or two - that is how little I valued myself. I skipped the 'wining and dining' as I did not believe I deserved such things. I thought dating existed for stunning women who acted as eye candy for the man. I thought being introduced to their parents was only for girlfriend and wifey material.

I recall once being in bed with a guy, his mum came and stood by the entrance of his room and they exchanged a few words. I layed under the quilt motionless and felt like absolute trash. I had never once been introduced to his mother yet there I was naked in her house, in her son's bed.

walnutwhisper You were raised well. Unfortunately not everyone is raised to believe they are of value and should therefore except nothing less than the best. Not everyone has parents in loving relationships so they have nothing to model their life against. Not everyone has seen their mother being adored by their father.

I was never told by my father that I was beautiful (not that I was). I was not his princess/beauty/angel. He did not scrutinise the shitty men in my life and give them an "if you hurt her I will kill you" look. I believed I was a nobody and should be grateful for the scraps I was given.

My dh, not perfect in any way has shown me I am worth loving. He is generous, attentive and has many great ways. We have had our challenges as you may have read on other recent threads but he gets me. I can be myself with him.

I thought I’d married a wonderful guy, we got married the year we turned 30, so not young. He was always so kind, considerate and helpful. We had two kids and he was always a wonderful Dad to them. I gave up my good career to be a SAHM until they started school - it was a joint decision. He was a hands on Dad and helpful to me. The year before my youngest starts school, he starts being quite detached from the family, working more and more. His personality seemed to shift. Lo and behold, he had an affair but not before gaslighting me for over a month. It was like he pulled off this family man mask and threw it away. I didn’t recognise this person. My kids and I going back to our home country and he will only see them twice a year, if he actually visits.
The person I loved for 12 years never existed. I’m not sure my girls and I will ever got over the heartbreak.

So to answer your question: sometimes wolves hide in sheep’s clothing. It’s not always the case of a man being openly awful.