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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Time for a talk

128 replies

Mrshappy2019 · 13/09/2019 10:01

I put a post on here about how I’d being talking to a male friend and should it continue as it is perhaps inappropriate. I received a lot of good advice and one thing that is clear is that my marriage is in a worse state than I realised or at least refused to acknowledge.

I am going to speak with my hubby tonight and see what he thinks as this has kind of been the elephant in the room we don’t discuss

We have been married 12 years and have two children ages 6 and 9. We both work full time and most of my spare time is taken up with family duties. He is an ok dad however he could do more with the children. Many Saturdays or Sunday’s he goes watching football and drinks excessively. We used to be very close but over the years we’ve become more distant and I’ve put this down to busy lives etc and in all honestly neither make an effort to address this. He has become more moody over the years and puts me down at times by rolling his eyes or calling me stupid. Sometimes I’m worried to tell him things for example the central heating broke and he blamed me even though the engineer said it was wear and tare. He doesn’t bother coming to my parents anymore as he says they bore him and dropping my filter here completely we haven’t had physical involvement with each other since last December.

I know some suggest counselling but he 100% would dismiss this so how do I approach this conversation

OP posts:
Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 13:17

@joystir59 I know and thank you

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/09/2019 14:40

I wouldn't tell him you are ending the marriage until you've found out where you stand legally and financially and plans about what you want to happen.

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 14:47

@RandomMess yeah i know, I’ll have good think. I’m telling my sister about things and she’s brutal lol

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/09/2019 15:08

I don't think he will be reasonable he will act like a teen...

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 15:14

@RandomMess you understand him quite well lol

OP posts:
Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 15:39

Ok further update

I text him before to see if he’d be back home for dinner and got no reply so rang him and a female answered it. I could hear in the background pub noises. I asked who she was and could I speak to him and she said who am I? She then said it’s your wife giggling and he said tell her I’m busy!! I don’t think for a minute she’s anything more than just someone in the pub as he knows a lot of people but it’s massively pissed me off

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 14/09/2019 15:46

I think that's probably exactly what he wanted OP, to piss you off and make you jealous/insecure. It all sounds really toxic though, I would be looking for the quickest way out of this marriage if I was you.

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 15:52

@hidingtonothing yeah I know but I see straight threw it. Just pissed me off that girl laughing

OP posts:
SanFranBear · 14/09/2019 15:59

Could you go away somewhere for the evening/night, yourself? You be mentioned your sister?

I certainly wouldn't be at home when he got home. I am sooo Angry on you behalf - how dare he!

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 16:02

@sanfranbear I wouldn’t disrupt the kids, I’ll just give him silent treatment but it’ll be 4am I expect before he comes back

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 14/09/2019 18:17

OP several years ago I was stuck in a very unhappy relationship where my ex just would not listen to how upset I was and how I was considering leaving. I did what you have done and struck up a friendship with another man. He was an old friend, not someone I saw often but we messaged a lot, too much.
I left my ex and never looked back. If I’m honest I hoped that my friend and I would get together but that never happened. (I got very hurt actually). I guess what the other man did for me was open my eyes to the state of my relationship. I knew it wasn’t right anyway but the thought of the other man gave me the motivation to leave. I didn’t leave because of him, I was deeply unhappy anyway and I’ve never looked back. The other man and I never went anywhere (that’s a whole other story) but I’ll always be thankful for that friendship for giving me a push. We still are friends but it’s not at all intense like it was then. 4 years on I’m on my own and thankful every day that I got away Flowers

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 18:53

@aminuts23 thanks for your kind advice

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 14/09/2019 19:00

@Mrshappy2019 No problem. You sound dreadfully unhappy. Life is short. Do what makes you happiest always

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 19:34

I get you @aminuts23 Smile

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 14/09/2019 19:51

Ffs get some self respect and stand up for yourself.
Go out and leave the kids with him tomorrow or better still, tell him to go for good.
Don't let anyone talk to you like that and the stunt with the woman is so utterly disrespectful. I'm furious for you

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 20:04

@isthisit22 I am going to sort something don’t worry, I won’t let this go

OP posts:
Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 21:22

Update if anyone’s interested:) no contact and my sister is staying over tonight with me :)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/09/2019 21:26

He is such a prat!

toffeeapple123 · 14/09/2019 21:38

Wow what a gent.

Forget Paul. He's already said he's not interested.

Winterlife · 14/09/2019 22:06

Flowers, OP.

I think you need to get your ducks in a row financially. See a solicitor. Serve him with divorce papers. It will either shock him into acting to save your marriage, or you will know what he wants. His behaviour is abusive and sliding toward alcoholism. That is no way for you or your children to live.

HelenUrth · 14/09/2019 22:09

Wow. It takes two people to make a marriage. If he cant put a basic effort in then you can't fix it OP. Look after yourself, prepare for a future without him, sounds like you would eventually be a lot happier, but I'm sure right now its really hurtful for you.

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 22:21

Thank you. I’m a tough cookie and I’ll be ok :)

OP posts:
Mrshappy2019 · 15/09/2019 09:00

Update * he came home at 7.30 and went straight to bed lol

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/09/2019 09:11

He's a waste of space at the moment!!!

Coops80 · 15/09/2019 09:48

He sounds like a complete arsehole

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