Time for a talk

[Mrshappy2019]

I put a post on here about how I’d being talking to a male friend and should it continue as it is perhaps inappropriate. I received a lot of good advice and one thing that is clear is that my marriage is in a worse state than I realised or at least refused to acknowledge.

I am going to speak with my hubby tonight and see what he thinks as this has kind of been the elephant in the room we don’t discuss

We have been married 12 years and have two children ages 6 and 9. We both work full time and most of my spare time is taken up with family duties. He is an ok dad however he could do more with the children. Many Saturdays or Sunday’s he goes watching football and drinks excessively. We used to be very close but over the years we’ve become more distant and I’ve put this down to busy lives etc and in all honestly neither make an effort to address this. He has become more moody over the years and puts me down at times by rolling his eyes or calling me stupid. Sometimes I’m worried to tell him things for example the central heating broke and he blamed me even though the engineer said it was wear and tare. He doesn’t bother coming to my parents anymore as he says they bore him and dropping my filter here completely we haven’t had physical involvement with each other since last December.

I know some suggest counselling but he 100% would dismiss this so how do I approach this conversation

Thank you

Your husband may not be prepared to discuss things now, or at all. My DH hates me asking relationship questions, especially ones he's not expecting. Sometimes he won't even answer. We have an agreement now that I tell him what I want us to talk about ahead of time. He takes the time to think about it and we discuss in a few days. His attitude is much better now and our discussions are more open. It's not perfect but much better than the stone wall he put up before.

My therapist says not to talk in absolutes. She advises thinking through in advance; what answer/solution are you looking for? What if you don't get that answer? And once you draw a line in the sand (if you won't , then I'll _!) you have to follow through. Otherwise the next time it's brought up it won't be taken seriously; there's no power left in the topic because there was no consequence.

You have to be really careful in the way you phrase things or it can blow up in your face. Especially if he's prone to over-reacting.

You were very sensible in how you handled the male friend situation. Use that common sense to guide discussions with your husband.

I hope things go well.

@beenwhereyouare thanks, I appreciate it

Do I tell hubby I’ve been talking to this other guy?

No, they’re two separate issues.

I’m guessing if you’re talking to other people then your marriage is over? If your marriage isn’t over the other guy is irrelevant, he’s just a friend?

Telling your husband about another guy is just going to provoke him. Leave one thing before you start another.

@herocomplex thanks and I’m not talking to other people just one and only as friends

Well that went well lol

What happened OP?

Are you ok?

@Hidingtonothing @Clammyclam thank you both, there really are some kind, nice people on here :)

Im fine

I told him basically things are flat and a bit shit right now and how does he think we can fix that?

I’m told I’m boring. I’ve been boring since the kids came. All I’m interested in is school stuff and spending money on the house. Apparently other wives go out to the pub with their husbands and are so funny.

Basically then he said I’m a dick and went out

lol

Oh heck, I don't think any of us were expecting that You must feel like you've had the wind knocked out of you, are you ok? Is he always that brutal? Do you think he meant it or did he go on the defensive and massively overreact?

Oh well that sounds like he handled your attempt at a mature conversation about your marriage really well...

I'm guessing he's usually someone who is immediately on the defensive and who's knee jerk reaction to criticism is to point out others faults? If so, this will be part of him processing I expect and he is feeling wounded. As others have said he will need time to catch up. It took my DH 12 months, more, to realise just how unhappy I was and I had to move out for a short spell for it to really sink in.

Again, as others have said, persist. He appears to have complaints himself, so maybe calmly ask him to think about what things he would like to change about your marriage. But ask him to think about it. Don't ask him to tell you, he needs to really process and work it out. Then come back together and see if there are any common denominator you can start working on. Be calm, listen to him, ask him to listen to you. Best of luck.

Are you married to my partner?!

I agree with above posters - persist. You said yourself in your OP that most of your spare time is child related. But you ALSO notes that he doesn’t help much. Maybe you’d be less ‘boring’ if you had time to do other things?

Keep pushing, OP - he’s a man who is defensive and lacks the emotional intelligence just now for reflection of himself and empathy with you. Don’t just let it go, or it won’t get better. Good luck dealing with him today.

What a knob. You can't save things on your own op, if he won't try too then you're wasting your time imo. Get out of this dead relationship and be happy.

I’m sorry it went like that, sounds like he thinks attack is the best form of defence. Keep trying to get it across, I hope you’re ok. I’d be very upset if I was talking to someone and they left knowing I couldn’t follow.

Your DH sounds childish and like he doesn't want to fix your marriage, or thinks you're not serious.

I would tell him I'm divorcing him. You have nothing to lose, it either happens or he gets at kick up the ass and changes

I see this as him not accepting any responsibility for your relationship. I assume you take the children to school, do activities with them, do the bulk of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. On top of that, you are expected to entertain him to a particular standard as well?

Do you enjoy going to pubs?

I think you need to sit down and think what type of future you want, and whether that future includes a husband who is so disrespectful to you and your relationship.

Update *
Hubby came home at around 4am and was absolutely wasted! Went to sleep on the sofa and I had to get him to move this morning before the kids got up!!
Also the other guy liked my fb post this morning, is that him continuing to not contact me? I feel like having a good fucking chat with him :(

@Winterlife that’s pretty much it and I don’t mind pubs but not for hours and hours

@PepsiLola he is childish but there’s a lot to lose isn’t there

@ISmellBabies that describes him perfectly lol

@Herocomplex thanks

@CursedDiamond haha maybe it’s just most men are the same

@Hidingtonothing is typical of him tbh

@Needsomebottle thank you :)