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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Time for a talk

128 replies

Mrshappy2019 · 13/09/2019 10:01

I put a post on here about how I’d being talking to a male friend and should it continue as it is perhaps inappropriate. I received a lot of good advice and one thing that is clear is that my marriage is in a worse state than I realised or at least refused to acknowledge.

I am going to speak with my hubby tonight and see what he thinks as this has kind of been the elephant in the room we don’t discuss

We have been married 12 years and have two children ages 6 and 9. We both work full time and most of my spare time is taken up with family duties. He is an ok dad however he could do more with the children. Many Saturdays or Sunday’s he goes watching football and drinks excessively. We used to be very close but over the years we’ve become more distant and I’ve put this down to busy lives etc and in all honestly neither make an effort to address this. He has become more moody over the years and puts me down at times by rolling his eyes or calling me stupid. Sometimes I’m worried to tell him things for example the central heating broke and he blamed me even though the engineer said it was wear and tare. He doesn’t bother coming to my parents anymore as he says they bore him and dropping my filter here completely we haven’t had physical involvement with each other since last December.

I know some suggest counselling but he 100% would dismiss this so how do I approach this conversation

OP posts:
Winterlife · 14/09/2019 08:53

Your relationship sounds very much like that of someone in my family, now senior citizens. She stayed. She has told me on more than one occasion that she regrets not leaving him.

I’m not saying that should be your decision, but I think you need to think about whether you want this type of life for the next twenty years.

I suggest you get counselling to sort your feelings and what you want in your future.

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 08:56

@Winterlife thanks

OP posts:
imabornagainvurgin · 14/09/2019 09:05

I stayed and haven't had sex with my husband (or anyone except myself) for 27 years. Great grown kids, great lifestyle but soooo lonely....

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 09:09

@imabornagainvurgin aww sorry to hear about that :(

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RandomMess · 14/09/2019 09:25

How do you want your life to be in 2, 5, 10 years time?

Better to leave when you are younger!! More years to enjoy a better life for you and the DC.

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 09:31

@RandomMess good question and I think I’ll definitely want different things in 10 years when the kids are bigger. I think by talking to this other man I realise how much I miss sex :( I’m not saying I want it daily but every now and then would be nice lol

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/09/2019 09:41

DH and I don't manage it often anymore, various reasons mostly privacy now they are teens!!

We chatted last night about it and we both said it's the intimacy we miss... but at least we are on the same page and happy to make more time for each other even if it's cuddled up in bed watching TV.

DH is still the person I would choose to go on holiday with, there have been awfully bleak times in our marriage when I ended it. Difference is when I told him that he thought about it for a while and committed to change/deal with his issues so we've met in the middle.

If your H won't engage, won't change you will just detach and it's over anyway and it is soul destroying when it's like that.

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 09:46

@RandomMess yeah I understand. U sound happy and content which is good. Maybe I’m asking for too much

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RandomMess · 14/09/2019 09:49

Believe me if DH acted like your H it would have been over!!

Refusing to take responsibility, refusal to listen then going out and getting wasted - no way!

At least DH wants to have sex with me...

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 09:52

He’s a fucking idiot tbh. He’s still asleep and I’m taking the kids to their classes

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RandomMess · 14/09/2019 09:56

We went to couples therapy, H was rubbish at doing the homework we were given. I made it a condition of staying and trying again the he went to see someone on his own which he did and it helped him and us.

DH did his share of the "wife work" too as a fully functioning adult parent!

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 10:06

Wife work lol
He wouldn't do counselling I know for a fact. Too manly (rolls eyes)

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Needsomebottle · 14/09/2019 10:09

My DH said he wouldn't do counselling too but changed his tune when we reached breaking point.

I'm not condoning your DHs behaviour but I suspect it was borne out of upset and hurt. See how he reacts when his hangover wears off. Ask him if he's ready to talk now. He had some catching up to do.

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 10:11

Yeah I will do @Needsomebottle

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Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 11:44

Further update*
He’s arisen from his pit and I’ve spoken with him. It’s apparently my fault as I made him go out lol I’ve said we need to talk and been told why can’t I change the tune Confused I have said I don’t have to put up with this as I should be with someone that appreciates me and he says good luck with that!! Was so tempted to mention Paul but I didn’t Smile he’s now gone out to watch the football and said he’ll be back whenever. Also gave a parting shot of maybe he’ll find someone who appreciates him whilst he’s out! This is why I’ve probably never raised this as he’s an absolute child

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/09/2019 12:08

It doesn't sound like he had any intention of changing and he thinks you will put up and he just wants you to shut up...

Make your plans to split and leave him to his childish pathetic ways. He doesn't even sound engaged as as a Dad just wants some woman to do the domestic chores, look good on his arm whilst out in the pub and want nothing in return.

Honestly your future looks miserable if you stay Sad

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 12:21

@RandomMess I’m fuming

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CursedDiamond · 14/09/2019 12:22

OP, your relationship is similar to mine, ultimately. The problems are different, but the root problem is that you don’t know how to communicate. I spent over a decade trying to get my partner to realise this. He’s finally acknowledged we need some help, but for me it feels too late. I’m emotionally exhausted. Keep at him if you want to stay in the relationship. I’d advocate getting some counselling for yourself if you can afford it. I found it really helpful, though it has also led me to realise my relationship has been effectively over for some time...

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 12:24

@curseddiamond I actually prefer talking to other people I think. Don’t know if I can be bothered anymore

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Hidingtonothing · 14/09/2019 12:30

Just caught up OP and good god, he's an absolute dick! Totally agree with Random, start making those plans to separate and picturing the lovely life you could have without him. Can we help you start working out the practicalities? Don't be daunted, there will be obstacles but they can always be overcome and they're nothing compared to having to spend your life with someone like him. So angry for you, he's a total arsehole Angry

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 12:35

@hidingtonothing thanks and I’ll just see how this week goes. Maybe you can see why a little now how I enjoyed talking to Paul. Not that I’m condoning that

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joystir59 · 14/09/2019 12:36

Tell him you've had enough and unless things change you will be cutting your losses and ending the relationship. Do NOT have an affair with Paul. Deal with the reality of your relationship.

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 12:43

@joystir59 thanks and thanks for that DO NOT lol I need that

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Hidingtonothing · 14/09/2019 12:47

I can totally see why yes OP Flowers

joystir59 · 14/09/2019 12:52

Paul is a red herring. If you tell your OH about Paul, you will just be blamed for wanting to end the relationship because you've had your head turned by another guy. The real issues between you will be ignored completely. Ditto if you start something with Paul.