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Original poster

I want to marry partner doesn't see point

78 replies

Bringiton2019 · 12/09/2019 23:53

Hi All

I've been with my partner for 21 months, love him unconditionally and would marry him in a heartbeat.

I'm divorced since December but deep down I should never have married ex, although we have 2 beautiful children (aged 7 & 9) together so I'm not going to regret that.

My partner has 2 older children (aged 15 & 17) and has never been married. He doesn't see the point. He loves me and is totally committed but I can't help feeling rejected because he's not wanting to get married!!

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 12/09/2019 23:59

No you are not being unreasonable.

Marriage is a legal contract. It gives you rights that a common law partner simply doesn’t not have.

What is your living situation?

What assets do you both have?
Are you planning to have children together?

Without knowing any of this I can really advise further but I will say you need to make sure that you put your existing children first. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you are dependant on him for money or a roof over your head. Without being married, if you live in his house he can turf you out with no notice. You need to make sure your kids are protected.

AiryFairyMum · 13/09/2019 00:00

It depends who owns what. You both need to think carefully about your children's finances going forward.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2019 00:03

You need to be thinking with your head, not your heart. He's being very clear with you as to how he feels about marriage. Listen to him. You need to ensure your financial independence in order to protect you and your children. Don't make stupid mistakes by thinking he'll change his mind.

Scott72 · 13/09/2019 00:08

Marriage is above all a legal contract. What will you gain, legally, by marriage? What will he gain?

WombOfOnesOwn · 13/09/2019 01:25

Here's the ultimate rule of wanting to get married:

"I don't want to get married" almost never means that. It means "I don't want to get married to you."

If I had a dollar for everyone I've ever known whose partner (of either sex) "didn't want to get married" because it's "just a piece of paper" and "why spoil what we have," then the partner got married to the very next person they dated, I'd be able to buy a very expensive dinner out.

He sees something in you he's not going to commit to. You have the choice of whether that makes you want to move on or not. I would, but I place a high value on dignity.

Scott72 · 13/09/2019 01:54

Given his probable age, and that he already has two teenaged children, I think he's quite serious about not wanting to ever get married to anyone.

Ounce · 13/09/2019 02:25

It's maybe not a terrific idea to tell yourself you love this bloke 'unconditionally'. Save that for your kids.

edgeofheaven · 13/09/2019 02:27

"I don't want to get married" almost never means that. It means "I don't want to get married to you."

Hear, hear. I know far too many women who have kids with a DP who's been saying "marriage is just a piece of paper" for years. In one case the woman has to deal with complicated visa/passport issues that would be resolved if she were married.

Agree with the advice to take care of yourself financially and legally as much as possible. Act like you are single in those areas.

Urskeks · 13/09/2019 02:36

My partner and I are both on the mortgage for our home and through my parents I out down more than twice the deposit my partner did. But I don't work through disability and chronic illness, so I'm not really putting anything in. I'm still married to my ex of over a decade but my partner says marriage or even civil partnership isn't on the cards for him and that we have a bigger commitment together anyway in our home. He's also not made a will with me (neither of us have one) and our free legal membership that would have done all that for us for free has just run out. I've probably got the one ex in the history of all exes or people in general who would never try to take anything in the scenario of my dying before any of this is rectified (and trust me, I know the sort who would, he's genuinely one of the most lovely humans on the planet). And I really do need to find the cash somehow to go through a divorce. But it almost feels that becoming available to be married again would make me feel sadder because I know my partner won't do it. I'd never force him. I also really don't know why it means so much to me except that paperwork is a bastard for me and knowing I didn't have to sort a will would be a relief. Yes, divorce = paperwork too. Another reason I've not done it.

I do think that on one hand if it really isn't a big deal to some people then if they're genuinely wanting to spend the rest of their life with someone then they'd do it anyway. But it's not always that cut and dry, I know people who just really aren't into it.

rvby · 13/09/2019 02:37

It's maybe not a terrific idea to tell yourself you love this bloke 'unconditionally'. Save that for your kids.

Yeah, you definitely should not under any circumstances marry someone who you love unconditionally. That's how you end up in a really fucked marriage. Quite literally THE only person(s) you should love without conditions are your children.

You are really freshly divorced and your relationship isnt even at the 2 year mark. And there are kids involved. And you're using actually quite scary/worrying language regarding your feelings for this guy....

With those things in mind I'd say you're BU and I urge you to get a bit of counseling behind you tbh.

PaterPower · 13/09/2019 03:33

As PP have said - what’s in it for him? If he gets married it potentially complicates leaving assets to his two DC. There are also costs (for the wedding, even a simple one) and additional costs and complications if you two ever split.

There’s really nothing much in it for him until you’re both at pensionable age and, even then, the benefit is more for you than him as he’s statistically more likely to predecease you.

YobaOljazUwaque · 13/09/2019 04:52

If he doesn't see the point of marriage that's his prerogative, but the flip side of that is that you need to keep your living situation such that you can be independent of him at a moment's notice because whilst you can say "he loves me and is totally committed" - in reality that can just change because sometimes relationships run their course and reach an end point. That's OK, it is not a requirement for all relationships to be permanent or legally binding. However it is a mistake to lose sight of the fact that there are no legal ties. Do not allow yourself to be financially dependent on him, even if that would be more convenient. Ensure that finances are fair and clear - do not live in a house where you are paying towards a mortgage without your name being on the deeds. Do not take any risks whfn it cones to pregnancy - double up on protection there.

Marriage exists in its current legal form because the kinds of typical decisions which often make sense as a way to arrange family life, which often involve one partner taking actions which could have a negative financial impact now or in the future (eg with pensions and access to a permanent mortgage-free home) while the other does not. Marriage effectively creates a legally binding obligation of an equal future between you - if you are together until death do you part, your assets are considered as joint no matter who earned the money that paid for them. If it does end then marriage ties your fates together so that those sacrifices can be evened out between the two of you. What is foolish, and ends up so often in misery, is women deciding to make those sacrifices without that legal protection. By all means choose not to get married but if that is your choice you need to live in the understanding that you the absence of that protection does (or at least really should) limit the other decisions you make.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 13/09/2019 05:50

You haven't even been together two years yet. It's far too early to speak of marriage.

I also don't see the point in marriage and am not married to my OH of ten years.

However if it meant a lot to him I would probably go along with it even though it makes no difference to me either way.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/09/2019 05:59

You're not being unreasonable at all, but neither is he!

It sounds like you're both very black and white about marriage but unfortunately not on the same page and I think it'll cause huge tension to try and persuade either one of you to change your mind.

I can understand his point of view. I'm exactly the same and would never do it again and I can't see who or what would convince me differently.

Scott72 · 13/09/2019 06:04

"If it does end then marriage ties your fates together so that those sacrifices can be evened out between the two of you."

This is probably the main point of marriage, with tax advantages secondary. Although "evening out of sacrifices" comes at the expense of the main earner, usually the man. If he's looking at this rationally, he needs some incentive to take on this risk. The female partner saying she won't have kids unless marriage first is the main incentive I can think of, although I don't think it applies here.

YouJustDoYou · 13/09/2019 06:06

It's these kind of men who when you break up end up marrying the new gf 6 months after meeting her.

YouJustDoYou · 13/09/2019 06:08

But personally, I can actually see his point of view, especially when it comes to protecting my financial interests. I would never marry either, I would want to keep my assets safe for me, not risk half of them plus pension etc in the event of a divorce.

YouJustDoYou · 13/09/2019 06:08

*never marry again, should i say.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/09/2019 07:29

Totally agree @YouJustDoYou

DeeCeeCherry · 13/09/2019 07:29

He has 2 kids never been married, has moved on to you and doesn't want to marry you either. Best to take off the love goggles and see Mr No Commitment as he really is. Doesn't mean you should leave him if you don't want to but why on earth expect a man like this would marry you? He's shown you who he is. You're just choosing not to see it as you have an agenda in your mind. If marriage is what you want, this isn't the man for you. Good luck.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/09/2019 07:30

His feelings are valid, he doesn’t have to get married to please someone else. Given he has existing children then marriage would impact on them as well as his assists etc would not be his own as they are shared upon marriage.

Given the recent divorce plus the new relationship, a second marriage seems very rushed.

Teateaandmoretea · 13/09/2019 07:39

I would never marry either, I would want to keep my assets safe for me, not risk half of them plus pension etc in the event of a divorce.

Totally this^^ . FWIW I'm actually married but in the situation that we divorced I would never ever marry again because I would want to protect mine and my family's assets for my dc. DH and I had none when we married and have accumulated them together for our family.

But then I wouldn't have more children either.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 13/09/2019 07:57

It's not just about the legal benefits (not everyone on MN earns less than their DP)

It's a show of commitment and loyalty - anyone can be someone's girlfriend but only one person (or maybe two 😉) can be someone's wife

Debrons · 13/09/2019 08:06

Blimey. You love him unconditionally? Are you serious? If you are I suggest you get yourself some therapy ASAP to discuss your attachment style. This type of attitude leaves you open to abuse and your kids at risk. I hope you aren’t living together and that all of your finances are separate. You’d think after a divorce and two small children depending on you, you’d be a bit wiser. No bloke deserves unconditional love, even my grandfather who was a fantastic husband. He was still an arsehole sometimes. Start taking off your weird co-dependency goggles. Why do women like you submit to blokes like that all the time? What do you get from this? I’m guessing you have low self esteem and would put up with anything just to be with someone? He doesn’t want to marry you. He’s not that into you. So he doesn’t love you “unconditionally” back does he or he’d do whatever to make you happy?

Mystraightenersarebroken · 13/09/2019 08:14

@Bringiton2019 knowing I didn't have to sort a will would be a relief No! You'd need a will more than ever if you were married.

  1. You both have children from outside the relationship who you need to provide for you should not l rely on the intestacy rules.

  2. Not having a will makes things much harder for those left behind unless you have very few assets and no dependants

(You should have a will anyway now - it's much less paperwork than getting a divorce)

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