I want to marry partner doesn't see point

[Bringiton2019]

Hi All

I've been with my partner for 21 months, love him unconditionally and would marry him in a heartbeat.

I'm divorced since December but deep down I should never have married ex, although we have 2 beautiful children (aged 7 & 9) together so I'm not going to regret that.

My partner has 2 older children (aged 15 & 17) and has never been married. He doesn't see the point. He loves me and is totally committed but I can't help feeling rejected because he's not wanting to get married!!

Am I being unreasonable??

He doesn't see the point because it's not in his interest to get married....he has nothing to gain from it that's why he doesn't want to do it, there is no point for him

@SallyWD, I hope they have wills and documents to assign NOK.

A relative's partner died just before marriage and the fallout was horrendous. His assets which were intertwined with hers (as happens in long term relationships) all went to his parents. Please check that she is protected legally as it is awful that at a time of grief she could be treated as a "nobody" to him because the law fails to recognise their relationship.

I’m with him I’m afraid.

I am also late 40s with teen DC. If am sadly ever widowed or divorced, I am 100% certain that I won’t ever re marry to protect my financial position, my home, but especially my pension which is good. I won’t have any more children so I can’t see the point.

I think it is a totally different position to being in your 20s, starting a family etc, when you are joining up your finances and supporting one another whilst raising a family.

Youve not been together long enough to consider getting married so I think you are being premature in that respect BUT he obvs isn't the marrying kind. If he wanted to marry he would have done so already. So maybe a good idea to factor that into planning for your future.

Now would be a good time to get out if you do envisage marriage in the future.

I think your 'love him unconditionally' comment shows you are still in that early relationship giddy phase which is the right feeling given you are not yet an established couple.

Now its time to start assessing your future together, youve been together long enough to do that. But you don't want the same things. Back away, give him a chance to reassess whilst maintaining your dignity.

whatever you do, don't invest money into a house you have no rights over. Don't do what i did and go pay £3,000 to put in a new kitchen for example. hope you've got savings in case he kicks you out at some point and you need to pay rent. You need about 20k in savings. Have you got that? If not, what's your game plan in case he cjanges his mind about you? Right now, you and your kids are at his whim.

It isn't as important when you're older, I agree with that.

He was with his last partner for 17 years and they have 2 children together, she left him deciding she wanted to see other men.

He was on his own for about 4 years till we got together. I had known him for about 2 years prior to us getting together. I have no doubt he loves me, and I'm putting away a nest egg for mine and my kids future (just in case). Plus I stand to inherit house/money in the future (praying not for a long time).

There's always a lot of talk on threads like this about not wanting the fuss and expense of getting married. This is a misnomer. What people mean is, they don't want a big wedding. Don't have one! Go for a simple registry office ceremony. You end just as married as if you'd done the full meringue, but for a fraction of the cost. No need to tell anyone you're doing it if you don't want to. But once it's done, you have the protections of marriage, if that's what you want.

A will can be changed at any time and there is no need to tell the erstwhile beneficiaries that it's changed. If you are single, that means your partner may have told you his/her will benefits you, but you can never sure it does. If you are married, a legal relationship is established which only ends with divorce or the death of one of the spouses. So you can't be disinherited as easily.

Under current UK law partners who are not married can't share their inheritance tax allowances, so for anybody who is wealthy (and that probably means most people who own property in London that might be a consideration.

Next of kin - in this country the NHS would usually be sensible about involving a life partner in end of life decisions alongside family, but that can't be guaranteed to be the case in all parts of the world. An unmarried partner, however, could be excluded from making funeral arrangements by the family, and at the most vulnerable time in her life, while grieving for her partner, forced to leave the family home with her children. Not what I would want.

Forget the hearts and flowers stuff. Marriage isn't about romance, it's about money and practical protections.

But you want(ed) to marry this individual?. He has never married nor for that matter is likely to. His ex may have well left him because of other reasons (she may well have got fed up with him) and you may well only have one version of events.

re your comment:-
"Plus I stand to inherit house/money in the future (praying not for a long time)".

His house?. Has he drawn up a will? If so does his will stipulate this intention?. What has he told you?. As his partner you still have no status here and the law in any case treats you as two separate individuals who are unrelated to each other.

Do not bury your head in the sand here. I would think his own children have more claim to his estate than you have because they are directly related. This has all the hallmarks of becoming thoroughly protracted and legally messy (not just to say expensive) if he was to die suddenly. Most people think that that type of scenario happens to other people - until it happens to them.

In most parts of the world common law marriage is recognised. I actually think it's a disgrace and backwards thinking that the UK simply won't recognise it.

No not his house, my Mums house etc, which I said I hope it's not for a long time.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g I would pop to a registry office, i wouldn't want a big fuss.

Your mother's house and what happens to it when she dies has nothing to do with your current situation with this man.

This man seemingly though does not want marriage full stop. He did not marry his ex partner and he is unlikely to ever marry you. You either accept this position from him or you do not, there is no third option.

Men aren't afraid of formal, legal commitment. They are just afraid of formal, legal commitment to the wrong person.

If your DP genuinely doesn't see the point in marriage, but genuinely loves you then he would be happy to marry you anyway because it means a lot to you.

When it comes to getting married, all he really has to do is show up, say a few words (which should just be a reflection of how he feels anyway) and have a great party with family and friends, or just a quickie, registry office thing. It's not exactly arduous for him is it?

If someone came to you with a business proposition and then told you there was a greater than 50% chance of it failing, leaving you dealing with the fallout for years to come and significantly financially worse off - would you say, “that sounds like a fantastic business opportunity, where do I sign up?”

Because that, really, is what marriage is. It isn’t about “he would marry you if he really loved you even if it meant nothing to him”, it’s about the reality that when you’re an adult with assets and children and a couple of failed relationships behind you, you understand what you have to lose and how likely it is that you’ll lose it.

It doesn’t make somebody uncommitted because they don’t want to take that risk. If you want all your family and friends to see how much you love each other have a commitment ceremony or a big gathering of all your nearest and dearest and give a couple of speeches about what you mean to each other.

In most parts of the world common law marriage is recognised. I actually think it's a disgrace and backwards thinking that the UK simply won't recognise it.

I don't. What about a case like this, which I've just made up as an illustration?

Annie was married to Bob for 30 years and they had a daughter, Cassie.

Bob died. Annie inherited Bob's entire estate. Bob trusted her to pass it on to Cassie in due course, if there was anything left after providing for Annie's old age, but this was a verbal understanding between them, not written in the will.

Annie meets Dave. Dave moves into Annie's house. Dave has no property or capital and was previously renting.

A year later Annie dies very unexpectedly and without leaving a valid will. Under the intestacy rules, Dave gets nothing because he and Annie were not married. Everything goes to Cassie.

Under the rules you're suggesting, even though Annie had not married Dave, he would have had a claim on Annie's estate.

Is that what you think Annie would have wanted? Is that what Bob expected? Is that fair to Cassie?

I believe that people should make a conscious decision to enter into a contractual relationship. If you don't formalise it, the assumption should be that you didn't want to, probably with good reason.

@Bringiton2019

Just wondering about his ex he was with for 17 years.
Did they live in the same house he is in now? Did she pay into the house for 17 years? Just wondering if she walked away with nothing after 17 years?

Common law marriage isn't as "we'll cohabit and get all the rights". Usually involves years of living together (not a year like your case). Also both parties have to bring in assets into the relationship. Children usually go first under inheritance laws too. So the daughter will always be prioritised.

@RantyAnty yes it's the same house, he paid for the deposit and both their names were on the mortgage.
When she left he had to buy her out of the house.

The point of marriage is the rights and obligations it entails. It’s a legal contract that you either want to enter into or not. If someone doesn’t want to enter into that contract with you it probably is a reflection on how much they love you but that is secondary to the real point.

Urskeks
I'm still married to my ex of over a decade but my partner says marriage or even civil partnership isn't on the cards for him and that we have a bigger commitment together anyway in our home
You need to sort this out. If you pop your clogs your partner won't inherit, he will own a house with your Ex.

Bringiton2019
If getting married is what you really want, this is not the man for you.

My cousin has been with her parter over 30 years. They own a house together and have 2 children. Neither of them liked the idea of marriage but they are more committed and happy than many married couples I know

Yeeeeah.....They say that...But have seen quite a few times the guy then starts shagging Stacy from accounts (who hapoens to be 20-something) and woah, what. A. Surprise. They get married within 6 months. It's happens time, and time, and time again.

Men aren't afraid of formal, legal commitment. They are just afraid of formal, legal commitment to the wrong person

THIS. SO many times over. When you have decades and decades of life under your belt, it is sometimes that has come up so very, very often that you feel kind of sorry for the Disney view of marriage so many young people have.

Its ok for him not to want marriage and it's ok for you to want it. Neither is wrong, you just want different things.

This one's not really for you OP - he doesn't have the same long term life goals as you do.

Common law marriage isn't as "we'll cohabit and get all the rights". Usually involves years of living together (not a year like your case). Also both parties have to bring in assets into the relationship. Children usually go first under inheritance laws too. So the daughter will always be prioritised.

I've just had a quick google. It looks complicated and it's not a clear-cut - 'You've been living together three years, congratulations! You're now effectively married, no need to worry about the paperwork again'. A grieving partner who needs to get their fair share of the estate after death or relationship break-up has to start putting together a portfolio of evidence to confirm they meet the criteria. What a nightmare. A married spouse just has to brandish the marriage certificate.

Civil partnerships will be legal for straight couples from December 31st 2019. Perhaps he would feel more comfortable with a CP

Don't know why he would? CPs are not marriage lite - they have exactly the same legal protections following dissolution or death.

They are effectively marriage by another name.

In most parts of the world common law marriage is recognised. I actually think it's a disgrace and backwards thinking that the UK simply won't recognise it.

Gosh no. The UK has it absolutely right not recognising any form of common law marriage.

Marriage is a serious legal contract, it needs to be entered into willingly and deliberately by both parties, not drifted into by default by solely living together. I absolutely wouldn’t want a boyfriend I’d been living with for a few years to be treated like my husband in the eyes of the law: I can ensure he is treated like a husband if I want him to be by marrying him, costs about £200 to give notice and have a simple ceremony.

It’s not backwards at all that the law provides a distinction between marriage and non married relationships. It’s as it should be!