I want to marry partner doesn't see point

[Bringiton2019]

Hi All

I've been with my partner for 21 months, love him unconditionally and would marry him in a heartbeat.

I'm divorced since December but deep down I should never have married ex, although we have 2 beautiful children (aged 7 & 9) together so I'm not going to regret that.

My partner has 2 older children (aged 15 & 17) and has never been married. He doesn't see the point. He loves me and is totally committed but I can't help feeling rejected because he's not wanting to get married!!

Am I being unreasonable??

His position is eminently reasonable. Marriage is, first and foremost, a financial contract. All those 'protections' people keep talking about, sinply put, means the safety blanket that the lower earner acquires with the opportunity to take assets from the higher earner in the event of the marriage breaking down.

In this case, you're both middle aged with kids of your own. Any 'protection' he offers you by giving you a claim on his assets, comes at the direct cost of his own children. He's probably already been stung with his first marriage - I doubt his pension would survive another raid.

I'm 100% with him - I will never marry again. As a high earner, there's nothing in it for me. And, at 40, I'm too old to believe in fairy tales - I know the odds are not in favour of the happy ever after. So my kids will come first, and not getting married is a perfectly reasonable and rational way of protecting what I've built up for them.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he wants to grt married, but just not to you, as other PPs have claimed. It means his eyes are open, and he is not willig to put his kids' future at risk for anybody who might subsequently take what he's worked for, to provide for them.

Of course, you are equally as entitled to want marriage, and for that to be a deal breaker for you. If marriage is vital to you, then he probably isn't the right guy.

All adults should have a will, if you have dependant children it's absolutely essential whether you're married or not.

Sorry - just realised he wasn't married to his first partner. Still, the point stands.

You are really freshly divorced and your relationship isnt even at the 2 year mark. And there are kids involved. And you're using actually quite scary/worrying language regarding your feelings for this guy

This^

You are still in the honeymoon phase, don't make decisions so quickly because your responsibility is to your children. He won't marry because it safeguards him financially and he wants the option to walk away easily.

What is in it for him to be married?

Wow thank you for your responses.

Okay unconditionally, not the best word to use and yes I will save that for my kids.

I wrote this after watching a film with him (and a bottle of wine)! I guess I wanted to know that if I did want to get married again, he would want to marry me.

I'm in my early forties, and he's late forties so we're not daft teenagers. We live together in his house, because it's a big house and all our children have their own rooms.

I'm financially stable on my own, we both have good jobs and have our own money.

I think the benefits of marriage are important if you have babies together, share property etc but in later life when you have your own assets, family etc then not needed. Romance etc yes but spend the time and money on fab holidays!

He can throw you out of that house though at any time. I'm not saying you shouldn't live there, but you should be putting aside money to finance your own home, should the need arise and you shouldn't be viewing his house as your house to the extent that you pay towards mortgage/home improvements.
It's totally fine imo for him to keep his assets separate and protect his own children financially, so long as he isn't doing this at your expense. If the house is solely his then he would be paying for it regardless of whether you were there or not, so you should only be paying for your family's share of utilities and food costs.

I wouldn't marry again in his shoes - too risky.

You state his house. Does this mean that you are not named or either a mortgage or title deeds?. The children may well have their own rooms but you are all in his place. And how do your children get along with his given the gap in ages?.

You may be financially stable now in your own right but what if you were incapacitated in some way?. What if he dies suddenly?. Do not things such things only happen to other people. And you need a will as well so you should make one with a Solicitor. Not having one in your circumstances is not good and will give your remaining family members a huge financial problem on top of their own grief when you die.

Completely disagree with what womb says. I know loads of people who didn't/Don't want to get married. I was one of them. I'm married now but mostly changed my mind because I wanted to have a wedding day rather than be married. It didn't mean that I didn't love my former boyfriend or want to spend many years, possibly forever, with him at the time.
However, marriage is a really good idea if your finances are entwined and/or you have kids together.
At the least you should be on his mortgage, if it's his house and you pay the rent etc.
And he might change his mind one day. But don't count on it and don't wait for that to happen. I really wouldn't see it as it means he doesn't love you enough if everything else is ok.

He has never married however and such men rarely change that underlying position. If you want marriage and he does not then you are fundamentally incompatible.

OP should not be paying anything towards a property she has no personal stake in. He doesn't mind her living with him because its far less risky in his eyes and easier in his head for him to walk away.

Civil partnerships will be legal for straight couples from December 31st 2019. Perhaps he would feel more comfortable with a CP?

I can't see the point in a civil partnership - if the reason he doesn't want to marry is because he wants to protect his assets and not link financially, a cp isn't better than marriage.

Men never see 'the point', because marriage benefits a woman more when it comes to legal things.
If he can't pop down the register office, then he doesn't really care!

I strongly disagree with some of the above comments saying men who say they don't believe in marriage just don't want to marry their current partner. Of course this is SOMETIMES the case but not always! My cousin has been with her parter over 30 years. They own a house together and have 2 children. Neither of them liked the idea of marriage but they are more committed and happy than many married couples I know. I don't believe they'll ever separate. I also have a friend who's been with her partner over 20 years. They have 3 kids and are very happy. Her partner has always been devoted to her (to the extent that we joke about his devotion). He just doesn't believe in marriage. I find Mumsnet very Conservative in its view on marriage. There are plenty of very committed couples who don't marry. Plenty of couples do marry and end up having affairs etc.

@SallyWD, hope your cousin has a watertight life assurance. The assets won't automatically go to the partner.

You are not having children together so unless you have similar or more assets than him it makes no sense for him to get married as he is basically handing you upto half of his wealth to the detriment of his children.

However if he has a mortgage which you pay towards its makes sense for you to have a legal agreement in place.

I don't see the point in getting married either OP - I have been with my partner 12 years, we live together, have a joint mortgage & have wills but we don't have or intend to have children & aren't religious so don't really see marriage as anything other than a massive expense & nightmare event to organise.

We are however under no illusion that we will have to just get it done one day for ease of legalities in our old age/illness/the worst should happen

Marriage is pointless for him (assuming he earns more) if you don't plan to have kids and you're both working at the best of times. You're basically asking him to put half his assets in the line and mess with his children's futures so that you get to change your surname and the prefix you rock when filling out forms.

OP should not be paying anything towards a property she has no personal stake in

I'd say she should be paying some form of rent. Otherwise, it's just freeloading (I think the term used on here when a man does it, is cocklodging)

The term "cocklodger" seems to have originated in Viz and there definition was something like 'bloke who targets a single mum who is so desperate for male company that he will be able to move in, get his washing done, his meals cooked and sit on her sofa watching DVDs all day in return for an occasional couple of minutes of scuttling from behind'.

@attilathemeerkat ever day's a school day 🙂. Good ol' Viz!

He's probably already been stung with his first marriage - I doubt his pension would survive another raid.

Gosh. Since OP already said he's never been married you could equally assume he fathered 2 kids by 2 different women, never paid a penny in child support and (since he's never been married) his pension is nice and safe..

Anyway, OP, I understand wanting the commitment but it's far too soon. Definitely keep your assets seperate and wait a bit to make sure this man is someone you want to tie yourself to at all.

I don't think either of you are wrong. I love my DP (I hate the word partner so tend to use husband instead because to me that's what he really is, he calls me wife too).

I don't really want to get married, I have a substantial inheritance left by different members of my family, it is mine and I don't think anyone should get 50% "just because". We have a mortgage and a baby, to me that's enough commitment.