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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dilemma

83 replies

Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 12:44

This is my first post so bare with me :)

I’ve been married 12 years and we have 2 children 6 and 9 and like most relationships we’re busy with work and family stuff and over the years my closeness with hubby has tailed off a bit.

Around 6 months ago I saw a guy at my local gym who is a parent of one of the kids in my sons class. He is not with the mother and only occasionally picks his kid up from school where I see him.

For a few weeks we’d let on at the gym and eventually started talking. He was lovely and spoke about school, kids, work etc and I enjoyed it whenever I’d see him there. He is attractive too which doesn’t matter but I guess for the purpose of this I should admit that

Whenever I’m on a school pick up and he’s there which is maybe once a week he comes and talks to me again about nice things however when I’ve gone with hubby he doesn’t come over but just smiles at me and let’s on

I hadn’t given him my mobile but recently he added me on FB and liked a few of my pictures. He’s also started messaging me asking what time I’ll be at the gym and if I’ll have time for a coffee etc

My question is do I need to say something to him or is this fine? I really like him and enjoy his company

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 12/09/2019 12:48

If this was your husband and a girl at the gym/school would it be ok?

FuriousVexation · 12/09/2019 12:48

Well are you planning on banging him or not?

mnbvcxz098 · 12/09/2019 12:49

Sorry to be a downer but this has disaster written all over it. Go back to hubby, give him a big kiss and arrange a 'date night' for the two of you

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 12:50

If your husband was doing this, would it be ok?

There is your answer....

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 12:56

I get the if hubby was talking to someone comments but I don’t mind him having female friends

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 13:01

In that case, if you want a friendship with this man, go meet him for coffee. If your husband does the same with female friends, then it should not be a problem.

Sounds like the bigger and unspoken issue is that you attracted to him and asking us should you or should you not meet with someone you find attractive and you get the vibe he also feels the same - and the potential consequences of something else happening? Because your marriage has gone stale.

Otherwise where is the problem - and what exactly is the dilemma you refer to?

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 13:04

... and the fact he has found you on FB without you giving him your number etc. probably means he is looking for something else... otherwise why not just say hey, fancy grabbing a cuppa, could do with a chat about x, y or z about the children.... or something along those lines.

I personally would say I am busy and start ignoring him if I felt a flicker of anything like that. My marriage would come first.

Chocolate123 · 12/09/2019 13:06

Say sure let's go for coffee and make sure you tell your husband cause you've nothing to hide. Hmm

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 13:11

Hmmm yeah I think my dilemma is I see how it can look but not sure it’s actually like that, not sure he’s like that

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 12/09/2019 13:17

It depends whether you can look yourself in the eye and truthfully say it's absolutely innocent on your part or not. If even a tiny part of you is enjoying the thought that he might be interested beyond friends then you're in dangerous territory and you should back off.

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 13:18

Interesting that he never comes over when you are with your other half. Seems a little odd if he is only after friendship.

If you're not sure, how about this? Reply to him and say hey, fancy a beer with me and my husband this evening in the local pub.....

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 13:20

I think I am enjoying the thought if I’m honest :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 13:21

That’s a good point really, I’d not really thought of that. I could. My husband isn’t a particularly friendly guy though, he can be rude and arrogant to people so I’d guess he’d say no anyway

OP posts:
Bluebell9 · 12/09/2019 13:22

Have you told your DH about him?

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 13:23

No I haven’t

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 13:23

This is how affairs start. Good that you are being honest with yourself.

For all you know, this man could be doing the same thing to lots of other mums he meets... opportunity and all that.

Think back to the excitement of first meeting your husband. Maybe you need some alone time, a short break, a meal together at a nice restaurant. Just some time to reconnect deeply. Don't make the mistake of looking for validation and attention from someone else, attractive and friendly or whatever they are.

Chocolate123 · 12/09/2019 13:26

Of course it's lovely to get attention but is it really worth messing up your life as you know it. Have some date nights with your husband. Keep the other guy at a distance as others have said this is how affairs start

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 13:28

I am appreciative of your advice Gemma and it crosses my mind. I didn’t wanna call my hubby on here but he does treat me like dirt quite a bit and can be cold it’s maybe nice talking to a guy who seems interested and he hasn’t overtly tried anything with me. I’d never thought about him trying it with other women Shock I hope he hasn’t Confused

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 13:33

If your husband treats you like dirt a lot, then no wonder this attention feels good. I totally get it.

Maybe this needed to happen for you to take a closer look at why your marriage is not working for you.

My head was never easily turned at one point, then when my ex became abusive and it got more frequent, phew... I REALLY started noticing other men.. and I must have been giving off a vibe, because they noticed too. I would never had my head easily turned had I felt loved, treasured and secure.

I would still say don't meet up with him because it's clear what will happen. I would say take steps to look at your marriage though.

TooTrueToBeGood · 12/09/2019 13:33

Oh come on. You cannot be so naive not to see where this is heading. Ever step you take down the path is leading you closer to the inevitable. I think you know that full well but you are enjoying the attention and looking for straws to clutch at that it is innocent and harmless, it isn't.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 13:34

I don’t think he’s the date night type anymore unless it involves going to the local pub and drinking 10 pints ha

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 12/09/2019 13:35

If you are miserable in your marriage then fix it or end it. An affair will not solve your problems, it will just give you additional ones.

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 13:36

And it's very telling that your concern is about whether this man is trying it with other women, and not other issues that are much more important.

You sound as if you have one foot out the door already - and if you are really unhappy at home, I wouldn't blame you. But if you were a man, then most posters on here would have shot you down already. I would simply advise, look at your marriage. Really look at it. If you're not happy, you have three choices.

Put up with it. But don't cheat.. it will only end in tears.
Get counselling together / work on it.
Separate and be free to meet with as many single dads or whoever as you like and to be happy on your own terms.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 13:37

It could well be why. It’s nice talking to someone actually interested in what you’ve been doing. I’m talking about projects the kids are doing and it’s nice to get advice back and ideas as opposed to grunts and eye rolling lol

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 12/09/2019 13:39

People are giving you good advice here but you aren't listening so go ahead meet this guy have an affair and destroy lives and I bet you'll feel a lot worse afterwards but remember you have an opportunity now to stop it