Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dilemma

83 replies

Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 12:44

This is my first post so bare with me :)

I’ve been married 12 years and we have 2 children 6 and 9 and like most relationships we’re busy with work and family stuff and over the years my closeness with hubby has tailed off a bit.

Around 6 months ago I saw a guy at my local gym who is a parent of one of the kids in my sons class. He is not with the mother and only occasionally picks his kid up from school where I see him.

For a few weeks we’d let on at the gym and eventually started talking. He was lovely and spoke about school, kids, work etc and I enjoyed it whenever I’d see him there. He is attractive too which doesn’t matter but I guess for the purpose of this I should admit that

Whenever I’m on a school pick up and he’s there which is maybe once a week he comes and talks to me again about nice things however when I’ve gone with hubby he doesn’t come over but just smiles at me and let’s on

I hadn’t given him my mobile but recently he added me on FB and liked a few of my pictures. He’s also started messaging me asking what time I’ll be at the gym and if I’ll have time for a coffee etc

My question is do I need to say something to him or is this fine? I really like him and enjoy his company

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 13:46

I am listening and I haven’t actually done anything

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 13:57

I think most posters are basically saying stop fooling yourself.

And most of us would feel like you in a shitty marriage. Someone attractive gives you attention, BINGO. Dopamine and adrenaline hits and then oxytocin if you start meeting up. A potent concoction of chemicals to get you hooked on his attention and before you know it, you're knee deep in affair land.

Most marriages go through some kind of phase.. phases... where attraction wanes and routine sets in and takes over and children come along and stress and and and.... throw in poor communication, bad behaviours, dwindling respect and someone, somewhere is bound to feel attracted to someone else at some point.

Human nature. You could have sex with this fella and it could be amazing. Or it could be crap. Or you could run off into the sunset with him forever. You could find out he picks his nose in bed, never washes his bum after a poo and is a boring pain in the ass.

But none of THAT changes the fact that an affair never makes things right and is never right in itself. This longing you so clearly have is a sign that your marriage is in massive trouble.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 14:02

I’m more confused now than I was when I posted this lol but it’s helpful

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/09/2019 14:08

I think your interest is normal, but that if you act on it you'll end up quite quickly having an affair.

You'd do better to focus on your marriage and see what can be done to improve it.

Babdoc · 12/09/2019 14:09

This chap probably isn’t genuinely interested in the doings of your and his DC, school issues, your opinions etc - he is merely putting on a good pretence of finding you and your conversation fascinating, in order to get into your knickers. And he probably has done so with other bored housewives in the past and will do so again.
It’s telling that he doesn’t come over to chat when your DH is with you.
OP, if you start getting emotionally invested and having an affair with this chap, someone is going to get hurt. Hint - it won’t be him.

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 14:10

Lol... maybe the actual question is more along the lines of.... I am married but feeling neglected and my husband is a grump and no longer even notices my existence. We have drifted apart and have been married a long time with children. A single man is paying me attention and I really rather like it so should I meet up with him and see what happens because it's a lovely feeling, being noticed and wanted again... and I fancy this man so may end up having sex...

Be clear about what is really going on, your intentions. Don't fool yourself. It shouldn't be confusing. Most people partnered long term are still going to find other people attractive, but if your marriage is solid and you are still communicating well and can resolve issues and are HAPPY, you don't go there.

If your husband was having an affair, would it be ok? I get the impression you would not be so bothered...? The answer to that question may tell you a lot....

Other people are never the answer to our problems... ever.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 14:14

Im sure you’ll think this is lame but I don’t think he’s like that and always seems genuinely interested. He remembers little things and hasn’t massively flirted with me but I get your point

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 14:18

If you're looking for the green light on an affair or a quicky with this fella, I am sure nobody here would say go for it... apart from the usual trolls and stirrers that pop up on a regularish basis.

But it seems you are somewhat fixated on him.

I would say take that sexual energy and jump on your husband later. Give him the surprise of his life.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 14:18

Tbh if hubby was having an affair I’d be bothered of course but not as much as would have in the past and maybe it would make sense as to why he’s distant at times

Being honest with myself I don’t know if i want sex with this man. I like how he is kind and thoughtful and yes he’s very attractive but I’m not really that kind of woman I think

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 12/09/2019 14:19

I’m more confused now than I was when I posted this lol but it’s helpful

I'm going to go with my gut instinct here and suggest you might get more value talking to us about your marriage rather than this other man. There is a wealth of experience on here and it's a very supportive group.

Chocolate123 · 12/09/2019 14:21

Of course he's genuinely interested he wants to get into your knickers and when he does he'll be genuinely interested in some other bored housewife. You really need to look at the real problem here all you've done is talk nicely about this guy you hardly know. The grass is not greener on the other side . Maybe put some energy into your husband instead or if things are that bad leave. An affair is not the answer.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 14:23

I think I was hoping people say of course we can be friends and keep it above board :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 14:24

Where do I start Confused

OP posts:
Musti · 12/09/2019 14:25

It sounds like this man is interested in you, especially as he doesn't talk to you if your husband is there.

But you should think about whether you want to stay with someone who talks and treats you like dirt! I know I wouldn't.

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 14:26

Well maybe you can just be friends... but I don't think you would have come on here writing a post with the title Dilemma if you truly think that... or even intend that..

The dilemma is you fancy him and you are unhappy at home and want his attention but have no idea if you should meet him or not because you're not sure whether you will be able to say no....

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 14:29

Maybe that’s the issue

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 14:29

And would you be having a "dilemma" if he was clearly gay.... or not attractive to you and asked to meet for coffee? Probably not....

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 14:30

I definitely could say no, I don’t even know if he fancies me

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 14:31

Hmmm good point

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 14:34

The dilemma is you want to meet with him but you feel guilty because you want affection and sex, not just coffee.

And I don't blame you. You sound starved of it at home.

But cheating is not the answer.

And you answered the question about being bothered about your husband having an affair... not as much as before... mmmm..... I think your marriage is really struggling and maybe you want out but are afraid of splitting up your family. Your emotional and physical needs are not being met and someone has come along and you are vulnerable.

And some men are good at sniffing out vulnerability, so be careful.

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 14:37

I get that but he knows I’m married and he sees my hubby. Would he really be interested in more than just friends when he knows that? I don’t know many men that could stand next to a guy in the school playground knowing he’d been banging his wife. I imagine it’d be very uncomfortable

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/09/2019 14:43

Why would you not be bothered if you knew your husband was having an affair?

rebecca102 · 12/09/2019 14:45

If it's not 'like that' then why doesn't he come talk to you when hubby is around? If it's just friendly chit chat why not. I'd back right off

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 14:46

"I get that but he knows I’m married and he sees my hubby. Would he really be interested in more than just friends when he knows that? I don’t know many men that could stand next to a guy in the school playground knowing he’d been banging his wife. I imagine it’d be very uncomfortable"

I think you are trying to fool yourself. So what is the real question here?

People will be people. Many affairs occur within fairly close social circles. Friends and mutual friends. People get good at lying and putting on an act. If someone is getting what they want, then yes there are people who could stand next to your spouse and not bat an eyelid knowing they are having sex with you! You sound very naive (said with respect).

I think the REAL question is do you think this man fancies me and should I go for it... there is no dilemma here. You've gone around in a circle but finally got to the point, albeit very indirectly. Do you think he fancies me?

I will throw a question back... Does it matter? Also - Do you fancy him?

Ok, meet him for coffee... Next question.. If he kisses you, will you go reciprocate...?

Original poster
Mrshappy2019 · 12/09/2019 14:46

I didn’t say I wouldn’t be bothered

OP posts: