Dilemma

[Mrshappy2019]

This is my first post so bare with me :)

I’ve been married 12 years and we have 2 children 6 and 9 and like most relationships we’re busy with work and family stuff and over the years my closeness with hubby has tailed off a bit.

Around 6 months ago I saw a guy at my local gym who is a parent of one of the kids in my sons class. He is not with the mother and only occasionally picks his kid up from school where I see him.

For a few weeks we’d let on at the gym and eventually started talking. He was lovely and spoke about school, kids, work etc and I enjoyed it whenever I’d see him there. He is attractive too which doesn’t matter but I guess for the purpose of this I should admit that

Whenever I’m on a school pick up and he’s there which is maybe once a week he comes and talks to me again about nice things however when I’ve gone with hubby he doesn’t come over but just smiles at me and let’s on

I hadn’t given him my mobile but recently he added me on FB and liked a few of my pictures. He’s also started messaging me asking what time I’ll be at the gym and if I’ll have time for a coffee etc

My question is do I need to say something to him or is this fine? I really like him and enjoy his company

Course it doesn’t matter and I’ve said I do. We’ve had coffee a few times at the gym and nothing more than chat

So if you have already had coffee a few times, what is the dilemma you are in?

Yes just at the gym. My dilemma is do I stop this friendship and the consensus clearly is yes

Her dilemma is now she's investing time in another man should she continue. The answer is no but again you clearly don't want to hear that. If this was a guy he'd be flamed for doing this.

If you're planning on sex with him, yes, end it.

If he makes a move on you, yes, end it.

If you start falling for him, or he for you, yes, end it.

If you are planning on cheating and your feelings are conflicted, yes, end it.

However, if it stays as fun and innocent conversation about life, the gym and the universe, what is the problem. If he makes no move to seduce you and it is clear in both your minds, no, it is a friendship.

That’s all it’s been, fun and innocent. I totally agree with you about the other things you said

"Her dilemma is now she's investing time in another man should she continue. The answer is no but again you clearly don't want to hear that. If this was a guy he'd be flamed for doing this."

It does sound like it. OP has gone round and round in ever-decreasing circles and it seems to boil down to the fact that she knows she is attracted to him, and he probably is to her and her marriage is shit and she knows deep down if she keeps spending time with him, then something more is going to happen. The emotional side of it already has.

Fix your marriage or separate and be free to meet other men. Stop fooling yourself. There are no more ways to word this really.

Have to agree with others, you can be friends with this man, any man, but you know this has something more written all of it.
The fact you only talk to each other when your on your own speaks volumes.
You know where this will lead and trying to make yourself be innocent by pretending its just about being friends.
I dont believe the flannel about your DH either, he is so rude so you havent introduced him, he treats you badly and that you both don't care. Its just excuses for you and so when the inevitable happens you will still claim to be the victim.
If you end up having an affair and cheating on your DH, dont pretend it is not your fault .Own your decisions and don't try and justify or blame your actions on others.

"talks to me again about nice things"

Oh dear oh dear...you sound like a love-struck teenager..sorry.

I wouldn't think very highly of a man who talks to a woman when she is alone and not talk to her in the same way when she is with her husband. Sounds a very shady character to not want to talk to you when you are with your hubby but then hunt you down on social media and ask to meet up. He probably thinks you are a desperate housewife. Sorry. As previous posters have suggested work on your marriage first, and sort that out one way or the other always putting your DC's first as i am sure you would do anyway. I wouldn't add another man into the marriage and make things more complicated. I personally would avoid going to the gym when i know he will be ther,e and message him saying i am busy with DC and hubby atm so cant comit to meeting up.

Thanks for the advice

It might be a wake up call for your grumpy husband, if he notices a new spring in your step,and a new glow about you. I would go for a drink with this fancied guy, things don't have to turn sexual between all men and women.

Thanks for the advice

So several coffees and nice chats, befriending on fb, but you haven't mentioned him to your husband at all? Not even in passing? And you BOTH act differently around each other when your husband is there.

It's a secret friendship so it's on the top of the emotional affair slope already. You're getting the attention and interest you don't get at home, and already thinking 'what if....'. Dangerous territory.

I suspect your marraige is in more trouble (without factoring in new friend) than you want to admit. Husband has disconnected and you're starting to too. Look at what's wrong at home, before you start looking for emotional support and male interest outside of it. Has the marraige run it's course? Do you love your dh still? Does he love you? Are you happy together? Are you a team? Do you treat each other well? Can it be saved? Are you befriending other guy to 'prop' up your marraige? To distract you from how bad it's got? Are you subconsciously looking for an exit affair- emotional or physical? (This is the voice of exit affair experience - it was a complete fucking mess of my own making and started with denial: I just want a new friend, it's all innocent, it's just so nice to have a man listen etc. Complete fucking mess!)

I don’t think I gave it that much thought really. I think I just enjoy having a chat and stuff and have not thought very far down the line. I’m glad I mentioned it here as it’s opened my eyes a bit

He's playing ti your ego being supper interested you.
In my single days I can remember doing this myself.
Just hang on their every word and they were lapping it up (even though they were talking rubbish)
Don't let him fool you.
And you can't even ask om as he would just back pedal

This has 'exit affair' written all over it, although you will be unconscious that this is what you are doing.

Far better to make it all conscious and sort or end things with your husband. Exit affairs are messy.

Hmmm I dunno that seems a bit devious and everything seems just normal conversation. Like I said earlier too would a guy really try it on with someone and happily look her other half in the eye?

@ChristmasFluff I guess I’m a little more conscious to it now

But this bloke doesn't really " look the other half in the eye" does he? As in your OP " he doesn’t come over but just smiles at me and let’s on " and then he hunts you on fb and asks to meet you! I find it a bit creepy tbh. Also if he only picks up his child maybe once a week he probably won't be meeting the other half very often anyway. I would have a little more self- respect if i were you. Also he will see your DC after school when you pick them up - and i personally wouldn't want my DC's school mates dad looking at my DC and thinking " oh yes, your mum seems easy and i hope to be banging her soon"

@autumn2019 he didn’t hunt me on fb in all fairness it was just a normal add but thanks for the advice

Well..he made an effort to type in your name and find you and send a friend request didn't he and then asks to meet up again..but doesn't talk to you when you are with your hubby...when i said "hunt" i of course didn't mean it literally..

I know, I understand

Decent men don't ask married women out who they hardly know. I believe women and men can be friends (if they work together share hobbies etc) but it takes time to grow. If he wanted to ask you for a coffee in a platonic sense he would have came over and introduced himself to your husband. That smile over at you,is him testing the water.You didn't make a big show of knowing him in front of your husband, so now this attractive man is aware that you have feelings for him,or you would have introduced him as your " gym friend"I work in a male dominated environment so am privy to all their talk and techniques they call this stage the listening ear,then when you start to confide in them they offer the caring shoulder and then they say " it's job done". Ask around some of the other mums or in the gym,I'm sure you are not the first lady to catch his eye. There's one in my gym too,probably several in every ones gym.Work on your marriage and good luck.

@Joeler thank you for your advice. A lot saying the same, maybe I’m too trusting

Like I said earlier too would a guy really try it on with someone and happily look her other half in the eye?

People have affairs with spouses/partners of their friends, neighbours, colleagues and even siblings. Compared to that, shagging a woman who's husband you might see on the school run once in a blue moon is trivial. You surely know this so why are you playing it so ridiculously naive? Are you trying to fool us or yourself? Having read all your posts I believe you know damn fine he fancies you and you've pretty much decided you're up for it. You just want to do it with the pretence that you just never so it coming. Crack on. Insult your own intelligence if you need to but please don't insult ours.